Author's Note: Not quite happy with this chapter, but oh well! Better than it was before, at least. Also could NOT remember the difference between Mydon and Mydley (?) so I just stuck with Mydon and left the other dude out. Enjoy!

Disclaimer: I don't own Escaflowne!

Escaflowne

Episode 7

Unexpected Fartings

The Escaflowne proudly stood in the center of the grand coliseum of Palace, three formidable opponents surrounding the Guymelef in a rough triangle. As they crept closer, the Ispano melef did not falter, rather, it stood tall and fearless, ready for anything. It planted its feet, a hand on its sword hilt, and a high-pitched squeal escaping the faceplate, much like the sound of boiling water steaming from a teakettle-

"Will you STOP that?" the Escaflowne grumbled in annoyance. "You're hurting my ears."

"YOU DON'T HAVE EARS!" Van shrieked back in terror, his voice still piercingly high.

"Hey, you don't have balls, but you don't see ME sayin' anything, cuz I am POLITE, you little asshole-"

"You don't have one of those, either!"

"…Are they fighting us, or each other?" One of the opponents grunted inside his rusted Guymelef. "Cuz I wanna know if I can sit back and watch this shit, it's better than cable."

"I dunno, seems like a toxic relationship," another argued. "That's unhealthy, they should really get some help." He paused thoughtfully. "Or go the normal route and get a show on VH1-"

"Focus, guys!" the last opponent barked. "Think of the money! Remember, whoever nails the brat gets a bonus, and I am getting that pair of skinny jeans I saw the other week if it's the last thing-" The other two Guymelefs turned towards him, heads tilted in confusion. "Er…I mean, whores and booze! And totally not skinny jeans! Even though they'd make my legs look really hot! Let's get im, boys! Chaaarge!"

The three Guymelefs leapt forward simultaneously, weapons raised as they fell upon their prey-

"Oh hey my shoelace is untied-"

"You don't HAVE fucking shoelaces-"

The Escaflowne ducked down, and the three enemy Guymelefs instantly collided, cracked heads and fell to the ground, unconscious.

A thick, disbelieving silence fell over the coliseum.

"…Did that seriously just happen?" Hitomi asked in a daze. "Because that was inconceivably stupid- wait, this is Van we're talking about, of COURSE it just did."

"Now I wish I'd slept with him!" Millerna said with a pout. Allen sniffed in disdain and almost tossed his hair but thought better because he didn't want tangles.

"He won! He beat them!" Merle mewled happily. "Can I have the losers to sacrifice in honor of Lord Van? Please please pleaaase?" Hitomi edged away from her.

"Shit, he won." King Aston growled, then noticed everyone staring at him. "I mean, of course he won! I would never have put him into that coliseum and thrown in three murderers for him to just die, now would I?"

"…Yyyyes?" Allen said after a long moment.

"…Okay FINE yes I did, but he survived, didn't he?" The King pouted pitifully.

"Threesomes should be left for the bedrooms!" Allen hissed at him in disgust. "How dare you sully the sanctity of-"

"It's fine." Van thankfully cut off the rest of Allen's sentence, standing up in the Escaflowne's chest. He stared darkly at the sweating King of Austuria, his expression dead serious. "I'm willing to forget about this matter, King Aston…for a price."

"And…that would be…?" King Aston asked uneasily.

"Knight me Sir Van the Badass and we're even."

"Deal!" The King clapped his hands.

"No, that was going to be my title!" Allen gasped in outrage.

"You've already got one: America's Next Top Model!" Hitomi muttered under her breath. Merle flicked an ear and frowned at her.

"…I can't tell, did you just insult him?" she whispered. "Should I laugh?"

"Oh, don't worry! I know the perfect title for you, sweetie!" Millerna cooed to him. "How about Sir Sexamuffins of Beefycakes?"

"Okay, NOW I'm gonna laugh. Feel free to join me."

"It's no wonder Zaibach wants your Guymelef so badly," the King was muttering in consideration as he eyed the Escaflowne up and down. "It would certainly fetch a pretty penny!" Van made a face.

"It's not for sa- how much we talking about?"

-In the Palace of Palace (is there an echo in here)-

As evening fell, everyone retired to the King's lavish dining hall. The Escaflowne sat smugly on a bejeweled throne, languishing under the attentions of the others, who gathered around a long dinner table laden with all sorts of delicious food, eating and chatting. King Aston raised his wineglass in a toast to the Escaflowne.

"Such a magnificent Guymelef," he marveled. "Isn't it so, Mydon?" He turned to a beak-nosed man with a fez, who smiled in agreement.

"Yes, its beauty is enough to steal your breath away!" Mydon heaved out a dreamy sigh and gazed up at the Guymelef, batting his eyelashes.

"Oh, stop," the Escaflowne chuckled. "You're makin' me blush."

"But it can't compare to the beauty of Millerna or Eries!" Mydon turned away to the two Princesses at the table, who tittered appreciatively.

"You son of a bitch! You'll come crawlin' back! Just wait and see!"

"Let's be honest, though," Millerna spoke up. "I'm the prettier one, right?" Her sister glared. "Plus I don't have a moustache to pluck- OW!"

"Okay, everyone, calm down. We ALL know who's the prettiest one at the table," Allen soothed the women, waving his hands. "…ME."

"Please get me some wine," Hitomi said to a servant. "No, wait, make it a bottle."

"Wait, hold on, why are you even helping us?" Allen snapped, narrowing his eyes suspiciously at King Aston. "The last I knew, you were busy kissing up to your new boy-toy Folken while kickin' me to the curb-"

"Because I'm a fickle bitch, as you know, Allen," the King bit off, "and who are you to complain if I decide to two-time Zaibach with you?"

"No-one, love muffin," Allen quickly amended. "…Want me to rub your feet?" He paused. "…I'll touch your weiner-"

"We should disguise the Guymelef, Majesty," Mydon interrupted.

"Great idea!" King Aston cried jovially. "I know, we shall draw a dapper mustachio upon its faceplate-"

"And call it Eries-" Millerna shot in before Eries elbowed her in the tit.

"Where is that wine?!" Hitomi called aloud, panicking a little.

"No, wait," Van interrupted. "I think it would be best if you dressed it up like an Austurian Guymelef, complete with feathered hat and frilled cape." He stared deadpan at the Escaflowne. "Use your frilliest. And don't forget. The. Pink. SEQUINS."

"…I will end you," the Escaflowne whispered out after a long pause.

"Very well, it shall be done!" The King nodded in assent. Van nodded back.

"Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get my daily recommended dose of brooding in the dark." He stood from the table and slunk over to the large picture window, where he began to stare out at the Messed-Up Moon…broodily.

"It's Hitomi, isn't it?" Mydon turned his attention to the bored psychic girl, who blinked in surprise and sat up. "You are one of Allen's mistresses, I presume. Where are you from, my dear?"

"Your mother's bedroom!" Hitomi snapped at him angrily, then caught herself. "Oh, uh, I mean…I'm…I'm from-"

"She's from the street corner and it'll be five gold coins!" Millerna suddenly butted in, snickering behind a glove. "That, or a place with absolutely NO fashion sense! That dress is hideous, honey-"

"It was YOURS," Hitomi hissed out, hands clenching into fists. Millerna blinked.

"…Well, no wonder I gave it to you!"

"You…" Hitomi let out an angry growl and stood just as the servant arrived with her bottle of wine. "OH GOD FINALLY!" She snatched the bottle away and began to chug it down, then promptly turned and punched out the servant. "…I'm sorry, I don't want to get thrown in the dungeon for strangling the Princess."

"We need to talk about our relationship, baby!" Millerna said, latching on to Allen's arm. He frowned in irritation at the wrinkles in his shirtsleeve and squinted at her.

"…Will the conversation include why we haven't actually had sex yet-"

"Allen." Millerna's older sister, Eries, who also had long blonde hair and wore funky ear jewelry along with a green corset and white dress-combo, spoke up. "Did you know that Millerna has been betrothed to Lord Mydon's eldest son?" Hitomi did a spit-take into the same servant's face.

"Dear LORD that poor man- I mean…congrats!" Hitomi hiccupped and decided that perhaps she'd had enough wine.

"So what?!" Millerna huffed, tossing her hair back. "Allen can be my mistress- or, um, mister? What's the male term for sex slave? Anyone?"

Then again, she hadn't finished the bottle.

"…I am surprisingly okay with that," Allen said to himself in a serious tone.

"Daddy made the arrangements without asking me. I haven't consented yet." Millerna paused. "…I'm waiting to see the ring."

"So…wait. Allen and Millerna aren't getting hitched?" Hitomi's face froze in horror. "Dammit that means he's available! Shit! I'm screwed!" She seized the servant and dragged them close. "Get me a BOX of wine."

-Onboard the Floating Fortress-

In a darkened room onboard the Vione, Dilandau sat on a plush throne, looking unfathomably insane as he ran a knife's keen edge along the side of a wine bottle. Squeals pierced the air, and Dilandau suddenly let out a mad howl, hurling his knife at the offending wine bottle and leaping to his feet as it crashed to the ground.

"Folken!" he thundered, rounding on the other man nearly hidden in the shadows. "I fucking HATE it when people make me wait!" Folken didn't even look up.

"That's alcohol abuse-"

"Okay wait, I found something I hate even more than waiting. DAD JOKES."

"Well then you are grounded, young man," Folken mumbled, eyes glued to the screen of the Nintendo DS he was playing. "Now go to your room." Dilandau sneered at the engrossed man.

"The fuck you get that?"

"Stole it from Dornkirk. Noob can't play worth crap. I'm about to beat his high score already." Folken grinned with anticipation. "Anyway, there's no need to hurry."

"Yes, there is!" Dilandau stomped his foot impatiently. "Every time a baby smiles, an Angel gets its wings, and I'm not there to rip 'em off. I've had it! We should just go and TAKE the damn-"

"Pardon, sirs!" The door to the room slid open soundlessly to reveal the Dragonslayer Gatti. He bowed and entered, a scroll in one hand. Dilandau scowled darkly at him and crossed his arms.

"You already took all my markers, what more could you want, asshole?"

"I bring a message from General Adelfos." Gatti unrolled the paper and cleared his throat before reading aloud haltingly. "S'up, Dilly, Fo-Fo! Adelfy here! LOL! Dorn haz ordered conquest uv Freid. On way 2 Austuria 4 our f2f. Cant w dix!"

"…What?" Folken muttered, still half-absorbed with his game.

"Face to face," Dilandau translated. "I'd like to FIST to his face. Loser needs to use fuckin' autocorrect."

"Capture Dragonz shadow," Gatti continued with a pained expression. "Or beet it up. Dont care witch. YOLO!"

"YES!" Dilandau pumped a fist in the air triumphantly and headed for the door. "I DEFINITELY know which one I'm doing!"

"You're doing the what now?" Folken asked, unable to look away from his game.

"And Dillykins…" Dilandau stopped next to Gatti and eyed the boy dangerously as he gulped, breaking into a cold sweat as he was forced to finish the message. "…#ZaibachSwag-"

"Okay ENOUGH. Tell General Adelphos we received his message." The pale boy placed a hand on Gatti's shoulder and smiled. Gatti nervously smiled back. "Here's my reply." Dilandau slugged him in the gut. The boy bent over, wheezing. "…And here's the punctuation." Gatti hit the floor with a bloody nose.

"Tell him I say 'hi'," Folken said distractedly from the couch.

"Kay." Dilandau gave Gatti another kick. "Aaaand SEND." He rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "So, it looks like we'll be occupying Palace's harbor for the operation. Ugh, I don't even care, all I want is to get Van back!"

"Yeah, yeah, fine. Do whatever you want." Folken was pounding the buttons of the DS, determination in his eyes. "Almost there…" Dilandau's face split into a sadistic grin.

"Oh? Really? You don't care what I do to him? You suuure you don't mind?"

"Uh-huh, whatever."

"Okay, just sign here on the dotted line." Dilandau held out a written, legally-binding contract and a quill. "Initial at the bottom."

"Yeah, yeah, sure." Folken signed the paper with one hand, never looking away from his game. "Now leave me alone."

"The pact is complete!" Dilandau cackled in glee and skipped over Gatti's body and out the door. Moments later, Folken sat back with a satisfied smile as he punched FOLKN into the High Score space previously occupied by DORNY. He looked up, wondering what he'd missed. It had sounded kinda important.

"…Dilandau? Hello?" He was alone. "Oh, hell." Then he noticed Gatti on the floor. "…Medic!"

-Back at the Palace of Palace (NOT AGAIN)-

Allen heaved Hitomi's dead weight onto the king-sized bed with a loud groan, almost sure he'd thrown his back out from the small girl's surprising weight. Hitomi had long since passed out from downing an entire box of wine, and had lapsed into a deep, unconscious stupor. Allen stared dreamily down at her sprawled out on the bed, drooling and snoring like Pyle. The mental image did little to cool his burning attraction.

"God she's hot."

"Allen!"

"I wasn't trying anything!" Allen whipped around fast enough to nearly strangle himself with his hair – not a bad way to go, considering it was utterly gorgeous. When he finally managed to claw it away from his neck, he saw Princess Eries standing in the doorway, glaring balefully at him. "Oh! Princess Earies! So nice to see you! Right now, of all times!" Allen broke out in a fake smile. "…You just LOVE to cock-block, don't you?"

"It's Eries," the Princess snapped, privately rethinking her golden ear-jewelry. "And it's a gift, really."

"I figured. So, uh, what the hell do you want?" Allen began tapping his foot impatiently. Eries narrowed her eyes and stood up straighter.

"Stop leading Millerna on!" she ordered bluntly. Allen blinked in surprise.

"Actually, she does most of the 'leading', if you ask-"

"I know that Millerna is hot for you," Eries continued over Allen's protests. "But you're just replacing Marlene with her! Millerna's becoming more and more like Marlene every day, so it's natural to see her in…her. But she's not Marlene! I don't want to see Millerna get hurt, because it's always the woman who loses!" Princess Eries finished her moving speech, nearly in tears. Allen was staring somberly at her, stunned into silence by the emotion coming from the usually cold Princess.

"…Aaaand who is this 'Marlene' again?"

Eries gaped at him in disbelief. Allen winced.

"Sorry, it's just that I know ALOTTA chicks whose names start with 'M' and there's no WAY I can keep 'em all straight-"

"Marlene! Our eldest sister who DIED!" Eries hissed furiously. "You were in LOVE with her!"

"Oh, right. Shit. SHIT. How could I forget that babe?" Allen cleared his throat and continued in a dull voice. "I…will never fall in love again." An attractive maid walked by the open door. Allen's eyes lit up like high-beams. "Hot DAMN! Who was that little mama? She can wash MY linens!" He shot out the room after her, asking if she could 'fluff his pillows'.

Princess Eries held her head and groaned in disgust as a slap resounded from the hallway.

-Atop the Palace of Palace (okay, that's getting really old)-

Van stood on a stone parapet atop the battlements of the royal palace, at one with himself and the blade. Eclipsed by the brilliant moons above and surrounded by darkness, his drawn sword gleamed silver in the moonlight. He slid into a stance and began moving from one form to the next, balancing carefully on the balls of his feet and swinging his sword with all the grace of a-

"Oh my God Van are you okay?! Are you having a seizure? Do I need to call-"

"Shut up!" Van whipped around and glared down at Allen, his face burning. "What do you want?" Allen stared at him blankly.

"…To live a long and fulfilling life at the end of which I die from too much sex-"

"Stop talking or you're gonna die right now." Van huffed in annoyance, wiping sweat from his brow. "I'm busy practicing my swordplay."

"Oh, is…that what that was?" Allen paused awkwardly. "…You need to do it more." Van shot him another look. "I can be your sparring partner, if you want." The young King considered him for a long moment, then nodded.

"Alright, let's go." He leveled his sword in front of him and widened his stance as Allen placed a hand on his sword hilt. "Come at m-"

*K-shiiing!* *Klang!*

Van's sword went flying off the roof, flipping in the moonlight all the way down to where it impaled the head of an elaborate hedge sculpture in the garden below.

Van glared at the Knight over his empty hands.

"…The fuck, Allen?"

Loud clapping suddenly interrupted the two. They turned to see Princess Millerna standing by the entrance to the roof area, smiling beautifully as she glided closer.

"Bravo, Allen!" She winked at him. "I've been watching you allll day- uh, I mean, just these last few minutes. And totally not when you were in the bath earlier." She paused, then whispered to Van. "Fun fact, he's a natural blonde."

"Fun fact," Van replied. "I just threw up a little."

"Shut up, Van!" Allen hissed. "You only wish you had a girl who was creepily obsessed with you!"

"Oh, believe me, I already have one," Van shot back. "And before you did, too. BURN."

"Shouldn't you be getting to bed?" Allen retorted nastily. "I'm sure it's past your bedtime. What are you, seven?"

"Am NOT, poopy-pants!" Van suddenly yawned and rubbed heavy eyelids. "Mmm… sleepy-time…" He began staggering towards the stairs, scratching his tummy.

Millerna immediately lunged on Allen like a hungry lion leaping on an injured gazel, grabbing his face with her claws- hands. Allen gasped and tried to pull away.

"Hey! Watch the make-up, toots!"

Van was stumbling down the stairway, wondering drowsily if he'd manage to reach his bedroom or just say fuck it and pass out in the hallway. He stopped short at the sight of Hitomi climbing the stairs below him.

"Uh…you shouldn't go up there," he whispered to her in warning, gesturing over his shoulder to the rooftop. Hitomi scrunched up her face in pain.

"God, why are you YELLING?" She whimpered back, rubbing her temples. "This hangover is killing me, I need some fresh air or I'm gonna puke."

"…On second thought, go on up. Aim for their SHOES."

"Huh?"

"Nothing! Night!" Van skipped down the rest of the stairs jauntily. "Oh, and make me some warm milk after you're done?" He called up when he reached the bottom.

"Hurk!" Hitomi clapped her hands over her mouth and ran up the rest of the steps, dashing out onto the open rooftop. She froze in place as she saw Millerna and Allen standing in the shadows, their voices low.

"Don't you know how I feel, Allen?" Millerna was saying pleadingly, still holding a death-grip on Allen's face. "Oh wait, that's a silly question, I let you touch my titties all the time-"

"Ow! Seriously, I just did my mascara-" Allen complained, trying to twist free from the shockingly strong Princess. "And you're mussing my hair-"

"Allen, please…" Millerna's voice quavered and tears filled her eyes. "I love you. I'd throw everything away just to be with you. My father, my country-"

"Your shoes?" Allen asked hopefully.

"Don't push it. Please, understand how I feel, what I'm trying to say-"

"Millerna, stop, you're practically engaged-"

"MAKE LOVE TO ME!"

"-but I don't see no ring!" Allen finished, and the two began to do just that, right there on the castle rooftop.

That was all Hitomi could take. She doubled over and puked.

"My eyes! MY EYES!" With a strangled sob, she dashed for the doorway. Allen looked up from fighting with his belt buckle and gasped in horror at her retreating back.

"Hitomi, no! It's not what it looks like!" he cried, throwing his hands up.

His pants fell down around his ankles.

"Oh my gosh! We're wearing the same underwear."

-Several Minutes Later-

Merle screeched as the door to the bedroom banged open and Hitomi came stumbling in, bawling her eyes out. She flung herself onto the canopy bed and muffled her sobs in a large pillow.

"Hitomi? What's wrong?" Merle crawled over to her. "Are you on your period or something?" She sniffed at the girl's butt. "Hmm, nope, you've got another week-"

"Will you animal people stop DOING that?! Just leave me alone!" Hitomi hollered, kicking Merle off the bed. The cat-girl hissed in outrage, fur standing on end.

"Fine! Cry yourself to sleep!" She stomped out onto the balcony, then stopped. "…No, wait. I want to go back in. No, wait. I want to go back out. No, wait-"

"UGH!" Hitomi bit back a sob and slugged her pillow in frustration. "I can't believe I had to SEE that! I wish I had something to take my frustration out on!" She thought for a moment, then called over her shoulder. "Meeerle! Come back in he-"

Three grotesque lizard-men with green skin and spiked hair suddenly dropped from the ceiling, surrounding her and raising a dirty burlap sack.

"You're comin' with us, sweetcheeks!"

"…That'll work, too." Hitomi cracked her knuckles and smiled grimly.

"-wait. I want to go back in. No, wait, I want to- huh?" Merle ducked back into the shadows and watched as several green men came flying out onto the balcony, Hitomi descending on them with wrathful intent. Amidst the high-pitched screams and swearing, one managed to trip the girl, and together they trussed her up and shoved her into the sack. The lizard-men scurried down the balcony wall to a submersible waiting in the canal below.

"Hitomi's been kidnapped?!" Merle gasped in shock. "…Why the fuck didn't I think of that?! Wonder what rates they charge." She leaned over the balcony railing and watched as the submersible…submerged. "…I should tell Prince Van. No, wait, I don't want to. No, wait, I really should-"

-On the Floating Fortress-

"Oh, come on, boo! You know I'd never cheat on you!" King Aston cooed, sidling up to Folken on the loveseat, who shuddered and leaned away. "I really am helping you guys look for the Escaflowne! I've already looked under my bed and in my closet, and I assure you, it's not there! Why are you so interested in that Guymelef, anyway?" He narrowed his eyes at the gloomy man. "…You don't think it's prettier than me, do you?"

"Uhhh…" There was a knock at the door. "OH THANK GOD. Enter! Get the fuck in here!" Folken called before looking King Aston in the eye. "Listen, I won't tolerate lying in our relationship. Tell me right now, do you have the Escaflowne?"

"Of course not, baby, I would never lie to you-" The King began smoothly.

"Lord Folken, we've found the Dragon," the soldier reported.

"YOU CAN'T BREAK UP WITH ME I'M PREGNANT AND IT'S YOURS-"

"ENOUGH." Folken shoved the squalling King off the couch and looked at the soldier. "How did you locate it?" The man shrugged.

"We just followed the laughter." He winced. "…And the trail of glitter."

-With the Escaflowne-

"Quit fucking laughing already!" the Escaflowne growled, trailing glitter as it waded waist-deep down the moon-lit canals, decked out in his dazzling new array of garments. He wore a magnificently frilled cape, sequined jacket, and a feathered fluff on his head. Merle sat on the Guymelef's shoulder, batting at a dangling tassel.

"I can't help it! Your outfit…" Van broke off, cackling some more.

"So help me I will drown you-"

"I hear something!" Merle cut in, her ears twitching as she listened intently.

"Yeah it's probably this guy's outfit it's so LOUD-"

"You wanna talk about loud how about yesterday's BOWEL MOVEMENT-"

"Oh wait it's just you two bitching and moaning. Shut up so I can hear!" Merle hissed. The bickering pair reluctantly fell silent. Merle listened for a long moment, then pointed to the left. "Hitomi's over that way!"

"Okay, let's hurry and get this over with." Van piloted the Escaflowne in that direction with a grimace. "I'm 100% sure this canal water is 75% pee."

-Back With Folken-

"This picture was taken by one of our lookouts." The soldier held out a black and white photograph of the Escaflowne to Folken, who frowned.

"…It's flipping us off."

"It also insulted our mothers. That's how we knew for certain it was the Dragon," the soldier explained.

"Shit, you found it." King Aston growled. Folken turned to glare at him. "I mean, of course you found it! I would never have hidden that Guymelef and its pilot away by disguising it as an Austurian Guymelef when I've got you, now would I?"

"…Yyyyes?" Folken said after a long moment.

"…Okay FINE yes I did, but I only did it to make you jealous, baby! You've been acting so cold lately-"

"You know what else is cold? THE FUCKING DOGHOUSE. You're sleeping on the couch until further notice." Folken stood up, getting down to business. "Go wake Dilandau!" The soldier cleared his throat uncomfortably before leaning over to whisper in his ear. "I signed a WHAT?!"

-Outside-

Dilandau zoomed through the night sky in his crimson Oreades, rapidly approaching the city of Palace, its lights glimmering like candles in the dark.

"Just you wait, Van!" Dilandau cackled loudly to himself. "I am gonna- oh fuck OW did I leave my pore strips on? Fuck!" He scratched at the bridge of his nose, peeling off the paper with a wince. "Ewww that is a forest-"

"I didn't know you were such a light sleeper." Folken's sarcastic tone crackled from the radio. Dilandau snorted back at him.

"At least I don't grind my teeth like you do."

"Grind my what- how would you know that? Have you been in my room?" Folken's questioning was met with amused silence. "…That's not funny, Dilandau. Stay out of my bedroom or I'm telling Dornkirk."

"Tattle-tale," Dilandau grunted under his breath.

"This is an urban area," Folken went on in a no-nonsense tone. "Don't involve the citizenry."

"Kill everyone. Gotcha." Dilandau punched the radio off as he swooped down low over the city.

-With Hitomi-

"Someone help meeee!" Hitomi shouted, her voice echoing in the claustrophobic confines of the submersible. The lizard-men sat around her, flicking switches and turning levers as they piloted the vessel through the canal waters. "HEEEELP!"

"Quit screamin', girlie! No-one can hear you down here!" one of the lizard-men snapped.

"We can," another one said.

"That's cuz we're IN here!" the third one barked.

"Oh yeah!" The lizard-man laughed, then paused in confusion. "So…wait. Should we help her?"

"NO!" The others shouted him down. "That's how the last two got away!"

"Oh yeah!"

"Holy shit just kill me now and put me out of my misery," Hitomi groaned, struggling against her ropes. The sub suddenly shook violently, lights flickering on and off. "WAIT SHIT I DIDN'T ACTUALLY MEAN IT-"

"We've been spotted!" a lizard-man wailed in panic.

"Eh, I'd say our complexion is pretty clear," the dumb lizard-man commented, holding up a green arm. "See? No spots here! I exfoliate!"

"Shut the fuck up and diiiiiive!" the last one screamed, scrambling at the controls.

"Yes! Save me! Please! I'll even be grateful if it's that pig Allen-" Hitomi stopped, suddenly horrified. "No, wait, he'll expect me to bang him in gratitude. Ack! Anyone but Allen! Anyone but Allen!" She closed her eyes and prayed with all her might.

The submersible shook again as it was grabbed by huge hands and lifted into the air. With an ear-piercing squeal, the top was pried open, metal shrieking in protest. A huge shadow loomed over the opening, peering inside.

"Please not Allen please not Allen please not- ESCAFLOWNE?!" Hitomi gaped up at the Guymelef, who reached inside and gently plucked Hitomi from the craft, tossing the sub over its shoulder further down the canal. "What the hell are YOU doing here?"

"I HAVE FISH IN PLACES WHERE NO FISH SHOULD EVER BE." The Escaflowne ground out. "FEEL HONORED."

"Oh. Uh…thank…you?" Hitomi smiled weakly, then frowned. "Hey, wait. Where's your disguise?"

"It got caught on a nail and ripped," the Guymelef answered. "…And then it burst into flames." Hitomi stared up at him, face blank. "…No idea how it happened."

"Hey, Hitomi!" The Escaflowne's faceplate popped open to reveal Van, grinning with pride. "Merle told me you were in trouble, so I came to save you! You okay?"

"Y-yeah." Hitomi flushed. "Thanks, Van, I'm-"

"Okay, good. You totally owe me sex."

"THE FUCK-"

"Just kidding! I'm not like Allen! Gotcha there!" Van laughed at Hitomi's angry pout as the Escaflowne climbed out of the canal and onto the dry street, placing Hitomi on the ground. Merle scuttled up and began tugging at her bonds.

"Merle, you really saved m- are you tightening them?"

"Can't blame me for trying!" Merle quickly cut Hitomi loose with her claws and pulled her to her feet. "Let's hurry and get outta here, I hear these streets get pretty rough at night."

"What do you mea-"

"Hey, honey! How much?" a half-drunk man called from an alleyway.

"Ew, gross! Leave her alone!" Van retorted, making shooing motions at the man.

"I was talkin' to you, sweetie. You that tan all over?"

"OKAY TIME TO GO." Van said over the Escaflowne's loud laughter, desperately trying to herd the girls away.

"You kids want some drugs?" Another seedy-looking guy asked.

"NO! We are LEAVING!"

"How about a decapitation? I'm handing out half-price decapitations!"

"No, thank you, sir, we are perfectly happy with our heads where they are- WAIT WHAT." Van looked up and gasped. The crimson Oreades was plummeting from the night sky towards them, Dilandau's mad cackle echoing though the streets.

"See?" Merle muttered to Hitomi as she screamed. "Told you these streets were bad."

"I'll do it for free just for you, Van!" Dilandau shrieked in glee, his Guymelef on a crash course with the Escaflowne. Van stood frozen in fear, unable to move or-

"Shoelaces," the Escaflowne whispered.

"Ah. Yes. Good call." Van immediately ducked, and Dilandau sailed past, his Guymelef crashing down into the dirty canal behind in a huge splash of water/urine.

"Ewww…" the girls said together, twin expressions of disgust on their faces.

"I'm pretty sure I leaked something into there, too," the Escaflowne added.

"Gaaaah!" Dilandau came clawing up out of the canal, water sloshing from the drenched Guymelef as he hauled himself out. "Are you crazy?! I am wearing leather! Do you have any idea how much this is going to chafe?! Now I've got to hurry and dry off before it shrinks!" Without even a wink, he switched on his beloved flamethrower and began using the spouting flames to dry off him and his melef, heedless of the houses and people catching fire all around him.

"Stop it! We can't fight here!" Van cried in horror, snatching up the girls in his hands and stepping back from the spreading flames. "The city's on fire because of you!"

"Oh, yeah? Well, my face is hurting because of you!" Dilandau snapped back. "Guess which one I care about more!"

There was a long silence from the Escaflowne.

"…Is this a trick question?"

"Pick face, Lord Van! Pick face!" Merle whispered.

"I pick 'get the fuck OUTTA here'!" the Escaflowne grunted and morphed into Dragon Mode, wings snapping open as it took to the skies.

"Don't you DARE-" Dilandau lunged after them, but was stopped by a sword suddenly blocking his way. Allen Schezar stood beside him in the Scherazade, weapon drawn.

"Dilandau!" Allen spoke in serious tone for once. "If you do any more damage to the city, you'll have to answer to me!"

"…And…that would stop me…why?" Dilandau asked slowly.

"…I don't know, I didn't think I'd even get this far." Allen shrugged. "You should really go dry off, though. I know a lot about leather pants, believe me, and the shrinkage is NOT in the least bit pleasant."

"Puke. Fine. This place sucks anyway. Even before I set it on fire." Dilandau turned away and waddled off, his Guymelef's feet squishing with every step. Allen let out a sigh of relief and gazed up at the Escaflowne as it disappeared into the night.

"He better not touch Hitomi, I called dibs."

"…Hey, honey. How much?" The half-drunk man was squinting up at Allen. Allen frowned down at him.

"…How much you got?"

-With Van and Company-

Van pulled at the Escaflowne's reins, piloting the Dragon-melef through the darkened skies, the stars twinkling around them. Hitomi sat up shakily, Merle beside her. The psychic girl stared wistfully back at the fading city lights, and sighed sadly.

"So…got any tunes?" She looked at Van.

"This isn't a road trip!" Merle snapped.

"Obviously, we're in the sky," Van put in.

"I can sing, if you want," the Escaflowne offered.

"I have to pee."

"Go off the side, Merle."

"Gross, no! Just stop for a sec."

"I could push you off."

"Shut up, Hitomi! Lord Van, Hitomi's being mean to me!"

"Stop it, you two! So help me, I will turn this Dragon around…!"

The three continued bickering as they flew off into the moonlight.

-Episode 7 End-