Chapter VII

Present Day

Lizzy found herself to be at home alone the day that Jane arrived at Pemberley.

Had she been facing the drive she would have seen the Bingley's carriage pull up, seen Jane shakily embark followed by two nursemaids. As it was she was in a room facing the back of the house, daydreaming, the embroidery she had been working on abandoned and did not see Jane until she was announced at the door.

Jane caught Lizzy by surprise. When her elder sister first glimpsed her Lizzy was sitting in an armchair with her feet tucked up underneath her, her shoes abandoned on the floor near her. Lizzy sprang nimbly out of her chair, landing neatly on two feet while her embroidery fell on the floor. A maid rushed forward to pick up the fallen hoop, looking not much shocked at her Mistress' behavior.

Elizabeth moved forward to her sister. Jane was still standing in the doorway, smiling slightly at Lizzy's antics. For the first moment Lizzy thought of nothing but embracing her sister, or basking in her presence, but in the next moment she pulled apart from her, held at her at arm's length and resisted the urge to gasp.

Where Lizzy had grown thinner over the past two years, Jane had grown stouter. She was pale, and had obviously not been spending any time out of doors. She looked drawn, her eyes looking weary. Over her gown she wore a shawl and seemed to be cold despite the warm weather.

Lizzy hurriedly dismissed the maid and the footman who had brought her up and led her sister to sit. Jane acquiesced easily. Lizzy took Jane's hands in her own.

"Are you well, my dearest?" asked Lizzy in concern.

Jane had noticed changes in her sister but they had happened gradually, not suddenly. Over the first year of her marriage it had primarily been Lizzy's attire that had changed, and over the second year it had been Lizzy's temperament. She was always relieved when she saw glimpses of the Lizzy of old, primarily when she caught Lizzy alone.

"Yes Lizzy, of course," said Jane, smiling a smile that did not reach her eyes.

"Where are the babies?" asked Lizzy. Jane studied her sister for a moment. Though Lizzy had never been one to fuss over other people's children, as a married woman she had a look in her eyes whenever the subject was broached that had started out as hopeful and was now weary.

"Rosalind fell asleep in the carriage and is being carried to a room by a manservant and Pippa is with her nursemaid," said Jane. Lizzy smiled. There were many mothers of Jane's station who would have not known such details.

"Jane…"

Jane looked at her sister and smiled a sweet, accepting smile.

"It was difficult, Lizzy. Rosalind needed me so desperately and I was so sick and so tired. Charles tried to comfort her, and he tried to help me and he could not do either. She was crying and trying to walk and I was so big and tired and I couldn't help her.

Lizzy said nothing, knowing that Jane was on the cusp of revealing her more intimate feelings.

"When Pippa finally arrived I thought I should die. Mama promised me that they would come easier each time but Pippa took much longer and hurt me so much I feared we should both die. And when she arrived, and after all that…"

"It's alright, you can tell me," said Lizzy.

"She wasn't even a boy."

"Was Charles..?"

"No, he was perfect. He praised her and showed her off to the neighbours and did everything he could to make me feel better. But I felt as though I had failed. That I should have to go through all that again, perhaps many more times, fills me with nerves."

Lizzy had known that Jane had had a difficult childbearing, but had not known the details. She found herself feeling worse for Jane than she did for her own childless state.

"You need to wait longer between them. Rosalind was not eighteen months when Philippa was born. You had not the chance to recover," said Lizzy with sympathy.

"I don't see how I am to do that," said Jane, smiling slightly.

Elizabeth looked at her sister in surprise. She had always imagined Bingley and Jane to have a lackluster romantic relationship. Every time she and Jane had discussed it Jane had become uncomfortable and implied indifference.

"You always said… that you did not particularly enjoy relations with your husband. That it was better to lie back and think of other things."

Jane stared at her sister in surprise.

"You and mama, you explained it to me. You told me it was terribly unpleasant."

Jane glanced toward the door. Lizzy could tell she was uncomfortable but refused to drop her gaze and let the subject fall.

"Do you not enjoy your relations with Darcy?" asked Jane.

Elizabeth had never had someone ask her such a thing. She thought of how they had been in the early days in their marriage, between the painful parts in the beginning and when she had begin to disappoint him so regularly that she began to put all her focus into improving herself.

"Yes. I do," she said frankly.

"He is my husband and I love him and our union had produced two beautiful girls. I enjoy it immensely. Really Lizzy, that you would take so personally something I said in passing two years ago. I daresay you did not enjoy the first time either."

Lizzy blushed. That indeed had been foolish of her. She wondered briefly if believing in her heart that she was different from other women by believing herself wanton and unladylike had deprived her of any enjoyment.

Jane looked at her sister in interest.

"You should not let other people's opinion get in the way of your marriage. Your marriage is private and has nothing to do with anyone else."

"I always feel like I'm letting him down. Like there is more I could be doing."

"No one feels perfect all the time. You are perfect almost all of the time, all we ever hear of you is that you threw another perfect soiree or that your newest dress has started a new fashion. I don't believe that Darcy really thinks so little of you," said Jane. Lizzy smiled at her. She'd missed Jane in her life, her practicality.

"It was difficult. I did so many things wrong. I couldn't believe the things I could get away with as a girl that I couldn't as a wife. And Georgiana knew everything, all the time."

"You need to get that girl married," said Jane.

"Yes. She's particular. I think she likes being needed here. I do love her, and I don't even believe it's all her fault. We fell in to a pattern where I would commit some sin and Darcy would frown but not say anything and Georgiana would tell me how a Darcy wife should behave and none of us would talk about it."

"It's not easy for me either, Lizzy. I think you thought it would be easier than this. And honestly, discussing feelings has never been your or Darcy's strong suit," said Jane.

Lizzy smiled slightly at this. It was their simplest, most obvious flaws that made everything so much harder for them.

They were interrupted when a servant Lizzy did not recognize appeared at the door, clutching the hand of a small child. Rosalind Elizabeth Bingley was clutching the hand of her nurse, having been hastily changed into a clean dress, her blond curls having been brushed. Her mother held out her arms to her and Rosalind dropped the hand of her nurse and ran toward her mother. She climbed on to her gently as if she knew Jane to be delicate.

"Rosie, did you find your room?" asked Jane. Rosalind rested a cheek against her mother and stuck a thumb in her mouth. Jane gently removed it.

"Yes. Pippa is sleeping," she said.

"Rosie, do you remember your Aunt Elizabeth?"

Elizabeth smiled at Rosalind, who looked doubtfully at her. Elizabeth had not seen her in six months, a lifetime to her niece.

"Yes," she said, lying. Rosalind was a trusting child. When Lizzy held out her arms to her Rosalind went in to them. Elizabeth tucked her chin over the top of Rosalind's head and inhaled her baby scent without meaning to. Rosie was sturdy and slightly round and had the perfect silky curls that Elizabeth remembered Jane having as a girl. Jane saw her sister's eyes close briefly and frowned in slight concern.

Jane started to say something when the door open and Darcy entered. Jane watched her brother-in-law closely and saw something like anguish pass over his eyes. Something more than the sight of his wife carrying a child when their own had not materialized.

Darcy walked toward Jane and offered her a quick hand squeeze and a kiss on the cheek, his attention clearly occupied by the child in his wife's arms. He held out his own hands to Rosalind, who succumbed easily. He had always had a knack with children. Rosalind let out a shriek of laughter and surprise as Darcy threw her in to the air and caught her again. He placed the hat he had been carrying on Rosie's head, who laughed again when it slipped over one eye at a rakish angle.

"Good show, Jane. Charlie will have his hands full keeping the young lads away, won't he?" asked Darcy. Jane smiled and Elizabeth found herself smiling with her. She looked more like the Jane of old when she smiled. It would have been a perfect moment for her had Darcy's expression not been a combination of elation and regret.

At that moment Fitzwilliam walked in, mercifully sparing them from discussing anything that was actually happening between them. He greeted Jane and if he was surprised to find her different from the last time he had seen her, he was gentleman enough not to show it. He shook Darcy's hand and nodded awkwardly at Elizabeth.

She felt like smacking him. She felt like smacking him and it showed on her face and both men looked in interest as the violence showed briefly on her face. Such things were becoming less common as every day passed.

Darcy let Rosie down, who toddled over to Jane. Fitz turned toward her and immersed himself in a conversation with Jane over child rearing while Darcy sent his wife a questioning glance. She flushed and shook her head almost imperceptibly. She knew she was only delaying the inevitable but could not yet think of a reason to tell Darcy why Fitz was so angry at her without explaining about Wickham.

Elizabeth realized uncomfortably that she was weaving a web of lies that revolved around keeping her husband in the dark. She rushed toward him and put her arm through his, hurriedly resolving to put aside the worries she had confided to her sister only moments ago.

"Perhaps Rosie would like to see the ducks in the pond," said Elizabeth, naming the first thing that came to mind. Everyone agreed it was a splendid idea and they all trooped out of the room behind Elizabeth and Darcy.