AN: Thank you for the reviews for Chapter 6. Thank you for seeing the pain and brutal honesty of divorce; that it isn't just all anger and yelling. I rewatched episodes from the end of season 13 to season 14, and you could see the anguish in Amaro's face but you could tell that he was trying to be stoic, and trying to keep it together. I wanted to portray that last chapter so I hope I did Danny Pino's acting chops justice. Also, I just want to give a quick shout-out to RollinsAmaroFan for saying this is her fav fanfic right now. Thank you! That really means a lot 3
So, um, to everyone who's been waiting for the Rollaro train to start rolling, here it goes. I won't be talking about the Lena Rodriguez case this chapter, because this one is a more reflective. This features A LOT of the original show which, should go without saying, I don't own. Also, there are time jumps so keep that in mind. Towards the end, the time jumps forward and then jumps back. If you're familiar with the sequence of episodes on the show, it shouldn't be a problem following though. As always, read, enjoy, and review.
September 28, 2011
The first day of any new chapter in life was always equal parts excitement and anxiety. Kindergarten was far too long ago for Nick to remember, but he could recall vividly the first day in Sister Joanna's first grade class. His mom had shed a tear as she delivered him to the classroom. He didn't know why she was so sad, but when she disappeared down the hall, Nick remembered the panic. Once he was inside the classroom though, he found himself sitting in a circle singing songs, playing games, and making friends.
On Nick's first day at Manhattan SVU, the last thing he was expecting was to sit on the floor with a squad of detectives and sing the Itsy Bitsy Spider. But he did feel excited and axious. He wouldn't be himself if he weren't at least a tiny bit paranoid that he wouldn't hit it off with his new partner. He'd been a lone wolf for a long time, but he could be a team player if the work called for it.
Captain Donald Cragen led him down the hall into the busy squad room. SVU was a far cry from the frat house in Narcotics. Here, detectives were dressed and groomed well with no visible tattoos showing. He also couldn't imagine these detectives stealing his written vows on his desk, making copies, and posting them all over the squad room. Those bastards. As he followed behind his new captain, he exchanged a glance with a brunette woman. She looked coldly in his direction before she sat down at her desk. He was hoping this less than warm welcome wasn't common among the squad.
"Folks, this is Detective Second Grade Nick Amaro," introduced Cragen. "He just transferred in."
"Second grader already, huh?" said a chirpy blonde detective as she stood up and walked towards him. She smiled brightly and extended her hand out, and Nick immediately felt at ease. "You must have caught some big fish."
"Nah, just kissed a lot of ass."
"Detective Amaro is being modest," started Cragen. Nick glanced at the blonde detective who was still smiling at him. He wondered if she was also the new detective coming into the unit; he had heard there was a lot of movement ever since Elliot Stabler put in for retirement. "Two years under in Narcotics. Warrants – he took down the MS-13 case."
Nick tried to suppress his smile. He was proud of his accomplishments, but he didn't exactly feel comfortable about all the attention.
"Well, this is a whole different world, Serpico," remarked the brunette detective. Serpico? It certainly wasn't the first time he heard the analogy; and he certainly didn't mind being compared to Al Pacino. So if it was a dig at him, he wasn't letting it affect him. "Not everyone has the stomach for it." Nick snorted but smiled. There it was – the unabashed unfriendliness of his new co-worker. If he had to make a guess, she was probably Stabler's former partner.
"For the time being, we're gonna rotate partners. Fin, Nick rides with you today. Get his feet wet."
Nick raised his chin at the gesture Fin gave him. He followed the other detective across the squad room. "Oh, and Amaro," Captain Cragen spoke up, "clean yourself up. You're not on the street anymore."
Serpico would have to go then. Wouldn't that make his wife and mother happy?
"Come on, I know a guy that can shape you up real quick," said Fin.
"Don't let him take you clothes shopping." Cragen got his last word before they disappeared down the hall.
Nick appreciated the cordial welcome. It eased his nerves about working with a team after several years of being on his own. Captain Cragen seemed to think highly of him, the blonde detective looked really eager about him coming in, and he had a feeling him and Fin would get along quite well. He still wasn't sure about the other female detective on the squad, but give it time and he knew he could win her over.
The first impression Nick had of Amanda was that she was energetic and eager. Honest first impression, though? And this is off the record. She was a pretty girl with an adorable accent, but he was a married man and he wasn't even close to thinking about it. He recalled her being the first one in the squad to introduce her self and compliment him about being a Second Grade Detective. She had a bounce in her step and brightness in her eyes, which felt contagious.
They worked well together those first few cases, granted Captain Cragen rarely partnered them up together. Within the first couple days in SVU, Nick realized he was brought in with the intention of replacing Benson's old partner. He was annoyed at the idea of replacing anybody. He had heard Stabler was a good detective, albeit enraged and controversial; not that Nick could speak much to those shortcomings. He had a temper himself, but he had been good at controlling it thus far in his career. Nick wanted to believe his own work experience and his own abilities could stand on their own merit.
It took a long time for Olivia to finally warm up to him and trust him as a partner. And while he and Amanda had been friendly initially, their relationship had gone south.
Their styles were different. Amanda was the kind of detective that looked at the facts and made swift assumptions on guilt and innocence. She liked to point and shoot and move along to the next case. Amanda was restless, in that she always had to be working and she didn't like wasting time on weak cases or flaky he-said-she-said stories. If a victim didn't want to cooperate, she wasn't like Benson who would bend over backwards trying to convince them to press charges.
To be fair to Amanda, she wasn't completely devoid of compassion either. She cared about the people they encountered and she wanted to seek justice for them, but she didn't want to do that by taking away their sense of autonomy. Rape took away control from a victim, and she didn't want to make it worse by making decisions for them. Her restlessness and ability to detach herself from cases when needed made her an efficient detective. Sometimes her first instincts were spot on, and they got their guy in record time. But it became problematic as her approach coexisted with Nick's.
"Oh, there he goes again," Fin and Munch would say when Nick had an alternative theory. His approach was not to go into the interrogation room and point fingers, but to try to see, via a process of elimination, if they could rule out the suspect. Innocent until proven guilty, says the law and Nick abided by that. He was stationed to conduct interrogations in Iraq post-9/11 because he was very skilled at asking the right questions and building a rapport with suspects. Nick was good at reading people and listening to their affect. He also spent a lot of time overthinking cases, which was detrimental to his life at home, but it often led to alternate theories and breakthroughs.
The thing with special victims cases is they're not always as they seem. Often, evidence is lacking or circumstantial and information is withheld to protect certain people. Nick's methodical approach to cases failed to work synergistically with Amanda's more quick-fire approach.
Also, there was the whole issue of Amanda used to being right, and Nick trusting his intuition; and those two didn't always lead to the same conclusion.
After a string of cases that placed them on opposite sides of the court, it seemed as if both detectives had resigned to the notion that there was no way they would be friends outside of work. Sure, they could be civil and professional while on duty. They were both adults. But she wasn't coming over for Christmas dinner like she did at Fin's. And he wasn't inviting her over to spend time with his mother and daughter like he did with Olivia.
When things shot even further south in terms of their partnership, Nick had a lot of personal problems going on. He was separated from Maria, which left him no choice but to live away from his daughter. Amanda saw the shift in him when it happened. He was losing control of his temper, and showing more resentment when he used to be more empathetic. During the whole Delia Wilson and Bart Ganzel fiasco, Nick was questioned for his relationship, or lack thereof, with the prostitute Carissa Gibson. He was losing focus and becoming more paranoid than usual. Those days, Amanda would have felt bad for him if he weren't so miserable to work with.
When Kim came to visit New York the second time, Nick had seen her in the squad room. Kim looked tired and her cheeks sunken in. He offered to buy her lunch, and they talked about the two sisters' upbringing in rural Loganville. From their brief conversation, Nick learned that Amanda had always been restless – in her behavior and in her ambition. Amanda was a track star, and Kim said she was always running whether it was around in circles on red clay, or on dirt roads in the middle of the night. Amanda ran because she dreamed that one day her legs could take her far away from Loganville.
Then the shooting happened. Amanda shot Jeff Parker in her apartment because her little sister had conspired to cash in on her abusive ex. Nick watched in horror as the case unfolded. His family wasn't so picture-perfect either, but it wasn't nearly this messy and full of betrayal. Nick's loyalty and protectiveness over Amanda revealed itself, especially when she was under IAB's scrutiny. It's what made him talk to Kim over dinner and record her confession.
Amanda was devastated by the confession and he felt so heavyhearted for her as he watched her sob in Lieutenant Tucker's office. Although she never thanked him nor did he expect her to, Nick did it for Amanda. He helped her with no expectation for gratitude or reward. He did it, because regardless of how often they butt heads, he couldn't imagine working in SVU without her.
So, it continued. They still squabbled like brother and sister, and often found themselves disagreeing about cases. Nick's world was turned upside down when it was revealed that he had fathered a son with Cynthia Mancheno. Amanda had his back and got the information on Cynthia's boyfriend. She helped to put him away in prison, thus keeping Gil safe and away from the harmful influence of the man they lived with.
William Lewis kidnapping Liv was a harrowing experience for everyone in the unit. For Nick, he felt an overwhelming sense of failure not being able to locate and protect his partner. She was missing for four days, and he could not and would not sleep a wink the entire time she was gone. The aftermath of her kidnapping set his paranoia on high gear. Nick felt more on edge; he'd be damned if he let something like that ever happen to Liv or anyone else on the squad.
Some might misconstrue what he did as meddling, but during Lena Olson's case, his intuition told him that Rollins was being taken advantaged. Nick took it upon himself to find out more about her relationship with Lena, which led him to her sponsor, Nate Davis. Not only were both women not supposed to have a male sponsor; Nate was also thirteenth stepping Amanda and Lena.
Nick didn't go UC on that AA meeting out of jealousy or a desire to upset Amanda. Truthfully, he hoped that the information he would find wouldn't hurt her because he didn't want to have to tell her that he had gone behind her back in the first place. But when he discovered that Nate was dishonest and he had been the link to why Lena was playing Amanda, he had no choice but to come clean.
The fight at the bunks didn't come from left field, but it still felt as if the ball hit him in the gut at 90 miles per hour. It seemed as if Amanda bit her tongue on a lot of things she wanted to say to him, and they were finally coming out in a deluge of personal attacks on his character. She called him jealous of anyone who was happy. She said he was addicted to his own misery. She said she'd recommend help but there wasn't a 12-step program for self-pity.
Nick stood there and took it, mostly because he was lost for words. As cutting as they were, Amanda had just opened the floodgates of truth. Yes, he was miserable about his failed marriage, the limited time and opportunity he got to spend with his children, and the crushing sense that he had failed his partner. Now, he could add a seemingly irreparable relationship with Amanda Rollins.
After that fight, he felt like his life spiraled. Work was stressful, the pressure was on high, and he had no one to come home to. For Liv's sake, he treated her no different than before; and she appreciated that. But he still felt like he had this voice in the back of his mind taunting him about his letdowns. Outwardly, Liv saw nothing different in her partner, but internally, Nick was a ticking time bomb.
The bomb exploded when Nick shot and crippled 14-year-old Yusuf Barre. The night of Liv's dinner party, he was involved in a hot pursuit that led to the most mentally and spiritually challenging period of his life. Not only was he sandbagged in the press, accused of being a 'kid killer' and a racist, but also, bullets sprayed into his house. They could have killed his mother and daughter. If he was spiraling, this was the part where he was being sucked down into the drain with no hope for return.
He spoke to his priest, hoping it would give him answers. He prayed that someone, spiritual being or otherwise, could tell him how everything that was supposed to be right could lead to something so catastrophic. It challenged him, not just as a detective under IAB's scrutiny or a shooter being arbitrated by the grand jury, but it also challenged him as a Catholic and as a man. He was losing his grasp on everything and he was being pushed so far, he had almost given up.
And Nick was never one to give up.
He took a chance and went in front of the grand jury, so they could hear his side of the story. It was a Hail Mary from one end zone to the next, but it worked. He wasn't indicted and he got his gun and shield back. He had to work desk duty, under command discipline, and forced to take anger management and mandatory retraining. It wasn't ideal, but it was the best thing that could have happened coming out of that situation. He didn't have to wear an orange jumpsuit and arrange for prison visits so he could see his kids. Thankfully, Maria pulled out of filing for sole custody once he was cleared.
Amanda felt guilt-ridden after Yusuf's shooting. It seemed that every time she took it upon herself to take the initiative, she ended up making things a lot worse. Taking William Lewis into holding that Sunday afternoon a year prior had really done a number on her. If she hadn't called in the squad and she'd just let him off with a misdemeanor, he would have never met Liv, let alone kidnap and torture her.
The dinner party for Liv's sergeant exam – if she hadn't spurred Nick to drink more, his blood alcohol count would have been lower, and no one could have questioned his impairment. If she hadn't asked him for a ride, it would've just been Nick around when the officers chased after Yusuf. A cab hit Officer Dragin and Nick, had he been alone, would have been required, by protocol, to stay with the injured officer until a bus and back-up arrived.
Nick would have never been in that situation had she not asked him for a ride. And for what? So she could get to an illicit gambling club sooner? That should have been her moment – the moment when she realized she needed to stop, but the stress and the guilt just made her want to gamble more. The itch grew stronger and she felt more disgraceful. Holding the cards in her hand and playing with chance gave her both a contrasting sense of control and abandon. It helped her forget about how her actions led to a chain of events that devastated the lives of two fellow detectives. Likewise, it helped her forget the gnawing demand to take responsibility.
The thought that all the events of the previous year had been on Amanda had never crossed anyone's mind, except hers. Nate's infidelity and dishonesty had triggered her and sent her back to the blackjack table, but it was all that pent up guilt and remorse that had made her say 'hit me' to the dealer. Amanda's debts piled up and the more she owed, the more she itched to pay it back by gambling.
When luck wasn't on her side, she took a page from the old Amanda from Atlanta and resorted to sex to get what she wanted. She felt nauseous sleeping with Nate to pay him back for bailing her out. Although he insisted that all he wanted was for her to join him in a meeting. And although she did actually pay him back with cash after a lucky streak. Amanda just assumed sex was an expected part of their deal.
So when she had to work off her debt at Sondra Vaughn's club at the Navy warehouse, she offered herself up to the man she thought was named Declan O'Rourke. It was as if she hadn't learned anything from the mess she made in Atlanta, and she was back to her old tricks. Back to being Mandy.
She didn't know if it was karma for working SVU and having a job that essentially helped out people who were victims of the most heinous crimes. But whatever cosmic force decided that Declan was actually UC - it made her want to get on her knees and pray to the cosmic force responsible. Thank god, she didn't have to get on her knees for any other reason. Declan Murphy loaned her from SVU, and although Liv knew about it, she had to lie to her partner and that didn't sit well with Amanda. Her sergeant no longer trusted her; not that she thought Olivia thought highly of her prior to her screw-ups anyway. Then there was Nick. When she learned he had almost single-handedly carried out an independent investigation to catch her at her worst, she was pissed.
Tracking her phone and following her to the warehouse – those were just the tip of the iceberg. He was the one who looked through the security footage and saw her dropping of the Brazilian diplomat, and he also saw that she had impersonated another detective to steal a gun from evidence. Amanda knew she was in the wrong, but she still felt personally attacked by what seemed like Nick's vendetta against her. He had gone through all this trouble to make her look guilty, to bring light to her screw-ups, and to take her down. Was she just imagining it, or did Nick really hate her that much?
Just when she thought they were turning a corner.
Even after it was revealed she was on loan and helping out Lieutenant Declan Murphy on his undercover operation, Amanda thought there was still tension there with Nick. Amanda avoided him in the days following because she was angry and, frankly, a little embarrassed. No one knew the extent of what she was willing to do, except for Murphy, but it was still humiliating that everyone knew she got into that position because she was back to gambling. Olivia already didn't trust her. She felt Nick was gunning for her. At least, Fin was on her side.
Then one night it all changed, and she finally realized Nick had always been there for her.
March 12, 2014
Sitting on desk duty for weeks after the shooting allowed Nick to be more observant than he already was previously. His intentions weren't to pry, but he had noticed Amanda coming in late for work. She clearly wasn't oversleeping because she came to the precinct with large sunglasses covering the dark circles under her eyes. Some days, she came in with smeared eyeliner around her eyes and stained lips. She was drinking coffee like she needed an IV drip of caffeine just to stay alert. He thought it best not to say anything after the last time he interfered in her personal life. Nick's gut was telling him something was wrong though; but after recent events, he wasn't so sure if he could trust his gut anymore.
"Night all."
He looked up to see Amanda walk from the lockers and back to her desk. He glanced at the clock. It was only 5PM, which was the end of a normal workday but definitely not for an NYPD detective.
"It's a little early, isn't t?" Fin asked his partner, "got plans?"
"Yeah, I'm going to Niagara Falls. It's a long way away, so I wanna get a head start."
Fin leaned back on his chair and intertwined his fingers. "Check out the Canadian side. They got some wild clubs."
Amanda chuckled softly, "yeah, it's more of a nature trip."
"Going by yourself?"
She shook her head, "no, Frannie. It's going to be real romantic."
"Well, you know you're going to need papers to take a dog across the border, right?" reminded Nick.
He felt her walk behind him and drag her arm across the back of his chair. She leaned into his ear and smiled. Nick felt her breath linger on his skin. "Yeah, I got it taken care of, dad." He opened his palms and shrugged, but he smiled when she sang a 'thank you' to his ear.
Nick sat there and watched her walk away. He thought about what had just happened. Although Amanda was coming in late and leaving early, there was no doubt she seemed happier and, strangely enough, bubblier. And was she flirting with him?
"You know, I'll walk you out." He took the jacket on the back of his chair and pulled his arms through the sleeves. "I'm catching the train to D.C. to see Zara. Weekend."
As they walked towards the elevator, Nick rambled on about Niagara Falls. He had driven up there a few times because Zara loved all the attractions on the Canadian side of the border. They had done the Maid of the Mist, which he said was a little touristy but if she wanted to see the falls up close and get a free poncho out of the experience, that was her best bet. He also talked about all the arcades, the Ripley's museum, the upside-down house, and the stores that gave free samples of fudge.
Nick shook his head and smiled as the doors opened and they stepped inside the elevator. "You probably aren't interested in tourist traps geared for seven-year-olds."
Amanda curled her lip into a faint smile. She noticed Nick had been a lot friendlier lately. He was going to D.C. a lot – almost every weekend. He was back to wearing his wedding ring, so she assumed things were going well for him and Maria. Good for him, right?
"There's this place called Niagara-on-the-Lake. It's wine country, and they've got a lot of parks close to the water if you're in it for the nature trip." Nick explained. "They've also got this great winery where they teach you the history and the process, and then you can make your own bottle… I forget the name, but I have the bottle at home. I'll check the label, and I'll text it to you."
"Mhhhm, sure," she replied simply as she ran her fingers through her bangs, and waited for the doors to open. "You did that thing where you step on grapes with your bare feet?" She scrunched up her nose and made a face at him.
Nick chuckled and nodded, "yeah, it was part of the tour. It was actually kind of fun."
"I don't know if I'd want wine that touched your feet," she teased playfully.
He held a hand up to his heard and made a face like he was offended. "I'll have you know my feet made that bottle of wine taste even better."
"Yeah, maybe – to wine snobs who think the more pungent, the better," she smirked.
Nick chewed on his bottom lip to keep from smiling. The doors opened and they stepped out into the 16th precinct's lobby. He walked her to her car as they continued their playful banter. She continued to tease him about his romantic side, something she'd never seen nor expected from him. Not only had he accidentally revealed that he had taken Maria up to wine country on their third anniversary, he had also convinced Maria to save that bottle for their tenth anniversary.
Amanda saw the moment of sadness in his features as he realized he and his ex weren't going to get that chance. "But hey, you've been going down to D.C. a lot lately. Things must be going well between you two?" She tried to sound hopeful for him, but she knew for a while now that Nick had been holding a torch for a woman who had moved on.
Nick looked away and shrugged. "I've been going to D.C. just to see Zara. She spends the weekend with me at my hotel room. The only times I see Maria is for pick ups and drop offs. She doesn't want to talk to me after…" He frowned and shook his head. "I'm not gonna bore you with my crap. You need to get going to Niagara."
Amanda shook her head and touched his arm, "no, it's fine. The falls aren't goin' anywhere. What happened?"
He seemed reluctant to tell her, but Nick hadn't told anyone what happened the first time he went to D.C. after the shooting. He was determined to get his family back and have a sense of normalcy back in his life. He had spiraled and he figured the only way out was to grasp at something that once gave him a sense of security.
"I wanted to work things out, but when I got there I found out she was seeing this journalist who works for the Post. I backed off," he began to explain. "It was actually kind of surprising, because I didn't think it would be as easy as it was. But…"
Amanda furrowed her brows, "but?"
"You know me," he smiled sheepishly. "I could let go of Maria but this guy… This guy was also spending time with Zara, so I had to look him up."
"Oh no, Nick, you didn't?" Amanda gasped, but there was amusement and curiosity dancing in her bright blue eyes.
"I found out the guy she's seeing had a history of dating women who worked in communications for the Pentagon and the White House. He used them as sources for his column. And while he was sleeping with all his sources, he returned to his home in the suburbs to be with his wife and three kids."
"No!" Amanda's eyes widened and her jaw dropped. "So did you tell Maria?"
"Of course. I mean, I realized that going down there was my last desperate attempt at getting my life back after the shooting. I wasn't really thinking straight. But I don't hate Maria, and I don't want to see her get hurt because some lying, cheating dirtbag is playin' her. More than anything, I didn't want my daughter to be around that."
"You did the right thing. I'd imagine she didn't take it well though."
Nick scoffed, "she thought I looked him up to deliberately hurt her, and use it to get her back. I tried to explain but she kicked me out of her parent's house. Then she claimed I was stalking her."
"She can't be serious?" Amanda was outraged, but she felt a fleeting sense of shame because she had been in Maria's position before. Nick had gone behind her back and looked into Nate. She also attacked him and said some words that she regretted. Nick did the right thing with Maria, and in hindsight, he did the right thing by letting her know Lena was using Nate to play her.
"Hey, so I gotta get home and pack before I catch my train."
"How long's the trip? Like, four hours?"
"Three and a half, give or take," he started. "I get to catch up on some reading or listen to a podcast. I wish I could catch up on sleep but I'm too paranoid about sleeping in public places." Nick chuckled.
"Nah, I can't sleep in trains, planes, or buses... something about closed spaces makes me restless." Amanda said. She felt something stir deep in her belly as she gazed up at Nick's face. For the first time in almost a year, she could finally see a sense of peace and happiness behind his eyes. She was happy for him, but it was a little hard to do that when she wanted some of that happiness for herself, too.
"Thanks for, um, listening, Amanda," he smiled genuinely. "It feels good to tell someone."
"Yeah, no problem," she began. "I need to get going too. Enjoy D.C. with Zara… Tell her I say 'hi'." She said awkwardly as she opened her car door.
Nick's lips curled into a small smile. "Yeah, I'll do that. Safe drive." He took a step back as she smiled one last time at him and closed the door. He walked across the lot to his car and sat inside. He felt tension and stress roll off his shoulders. Being able to talk about what happened in D.C. even with someone as randomly selected as Amanda Rollins made him feel like he wasn't lying about his marriage anymore. It made him feel like he could finally accept that this was the way things were going now, and it might not be perfect, but he was ok with that.
He started the car and pulled out of his spot, driving up right behind Amanda's car. She was waiting at the gate for the traffic to clear so she could turn into the street. He caught her eyes on her rearview mirror, and he smiled; she had really pretty eyes. Their cars diverged and as he drove away he felt tranquil – like his world had stopped spinning and he wasn't in that whirlpool anymore. Something or, rather, someone had set him right back down on solid ground.
