A/N: Thank you for the continued support of this fic! You'll notice I did something different with this chapter, in that I added a little bit of a timeline. It's just to keep it straight, this chapter takes place over a little more time. I hope you enjoy!


CHAPTER SIX


September 21, 2011

Wow, I screwed up. Royally. I thought I was doing us both a favor by shutting myself in the cabin and not calling. Apparently not. I don't think I've ever seen Castle that pissed.

I did kind of deserve it though. I did tell him I'd call, and I never did.

But dammit, if you've been shot by a sniper, literally died, heard your best friend tell you he loved you, and spent every second of consciousness thinking there was a target on your back, you'd do the same thing. Maybe.

Either way, it was good to see him, even if he was angry. I Just hope I can make it up to him somehow.


January 14, 2012

I should have listened to Lanie. Dammit, I'm so stupid sometimes. He was there, right there, in his tux and just staring at me. And I wanted to, I really did, I just…

I wanted him to say yes. I should have insisted. Because his "could be" to my "third time's the charm" joke, well, I'm relatively sure he wasn't joking, and he was looking right at me when he said it.

I want what Kevin and Jenny have.

I want it with Castle.

I just want to deserve him first.


MID-AUGUST

"I didn't want her to be perfect." Rick was pacing circles around his chair, his pent-up frustration with what could have been boiling over into nervous energy. "She didn't need to try to deserve me. I didn't deserve her. Why couldn't she see how remarkable she was?"

Dr. Burke simply sat in his chair and followed Rick with his eyes. "We are our own worst critic. When you read over your writing, what do you see? Do you see a bestseller, or do you see every character flaw or plot hole, or a sentence that should have been rewritten?"

Rick paused long enough to shoot Dr. Burke a glare. "That's not fair. Artists are always self-critical."

"That's not a trait exclusive to artists, Rick. Everybody sees themselves more critically than others do. Kate was no exception. Kate was even harder on herself because of her mom. Her mom's case was the catalyst to her becoming a cop. She devoted herself so deeply to her career that she couldn't separate what she did from who she was."

Rick snagged his water bottle on his next pass by the side table and took a swig while he gathered his thoughts. He'd accused her of exactly that once. You've been chasing this thing so long you're afraid to find out who you are without it. He'd been right; he should have known, especially when her first instinct was to be defensive.

He sat back down, suddenly exhausted. "After she got shot, she went to her dad's cabin to recover, and I didn't see or hear from her for three months." He glanced at the doctor. "You know that. So when she came back, and I saw her, she told me about this wall that she had. I think she thought that until she could get closure on her mom's case, that she couldn't be with anyone the way she wanted to. She couldn't fully commit herself if it was hanging over her head." He paused. "We both knew she was talking about me. So then before the end, she said the wall was coming down."

"It was." Dr. Burke didn't typically interrupt his clients, but this time he made an exception. "Rick, she was ready. She came to see me when you were shadowing that other detective. And do you know what she said to me?"

Castle met his eyes. "What?"

"I asked her what she wanted. And she said she wanted you away from him. That you shadowing another cop made her feel like she wasn't enough, that you were bored with her."

"No, not bored. Never bored. Just angry." Rick leaned forward, his head in his hands. "Dammit, doc. I failed her. I walked away, and I let her die, and I can't even get justice for her."

"Rick." Dr. Burke leaned forward as well. "You have done everything you can with what you have. The man who killed her is dead. Kate would hate knowing you're still beating yourself up over something you probably wouldn't have been able to stop. She'd be proud of you for getting as far as you did. And she'd want you to accept that, much like she finally did with her mom. Don't let perceived failure prevent you from living your life, Rick."


March 28, 2012

Okay I don't know what the hell happened. But one minute he's saying how he's been thinking about missed opportunities and the next day he's glaring at me like I killed his pet. Did I do something? He was just…distant, right at the end.

I don't know. Maybe he was just tired. It was a tough case.


April 6, 2012

Obviously there's more going on than just being tired after the bombing case. He's been ignoring my calls and texts for a week. And then when he does finally answer, it's a quick "ok." And then he shows up at MY CRIME SCENE with that flight attendant and lets her borrow his Ferrari? Something is going on.

Dammit, I wish he'd just talk to me.


MID-SEPTEMBER

Castle sighed as he set the journal down. He'd known the day was coming; he just didn't know it would feel quite this way. But that was it.

Her last entry.

He felt sad, but not as bad as he'd expected. Instead of wanting to curl up in a ball, he just felt…empty.

Since his last session with Dr. Burke, the constant tug of guilt was gone. He'd even been able to move the picture of them at the Ryan wedding; for weeks it had been too hard to look at it, so he'd buried it in his nightstand drawer. But now, it sat nestled between pictures of his mother and daughter, proudly displayed on his dresser.

No more hiding her. He'd wasted enough time feeling remorseful and guilty over something he couldn't change. It was time to stop living in the what-ifs and start living in the right now. He grabbed his keys and coat. Time to get some work done.

"Hey, Mr. Castle, long time no see," Brian greeted him as he walked into the Old Haunt.

Rick hadn't been there in weeks, since before he'd gone to the Hamptons. He raised his hand in greeting while squeezing through the crowd in front of the bar. When he finally made his way to the end, he stepped behind the bar to help out. "Hey, Brian. How's everything?" Castle rolled his sleeves to his elbows and started taking orders.

Brian worked smoothly, and not for the first time, Rick was glad he'd kept the young man on after buying the bar. Ladies flocked in on the weekends, and once Brian had broken his skimming habit, the bar had started raking in profits. The twice-weekly live jazz nights helped keep the old-timey atmosphere that Castle had originally fallen in love with.

"Everything's good, Mr. Castle." They worked in tandem with the other bartender until the line went down and Castle was able to step away.

Castle grabbed his coat off the stool he'd thrown it on. "Come down and chat when you can," he called out, heading down to his office.

Brian came down a few minutes later, just as Castle was reviewing the month's financials. Brian had kept him up to date on the basics while he was away; the bar had proven to be a very lucrative investment. Castle made a mental note to give Brian a nice sized Christmas bonus. He'd really stepped up when asked to take over day-to-day operations.

They spent a couple hours going over numbers and inventory, and by the time they finished, it was almost closing. Castle followed him upstairs to take care of the stragglers. "Head on home, Brian, I'll close it up," he offered when the last patron was out the door.

"You sure? I can stick around for a bit."

Castle started closing out the register. "Yeah, I'm sure. You've done great. I appreciate you stepping up and taking charge these last few months. I can't thank you enough."

Brian ducked into the back and grabbed his coat, stopping to shake Castle's hand on his way out. "Happy to, sir. We all miss Detective Beckett. For what it's worth, I'm glad you're doing better. We've all missed seeing you around."

Castle smiled. "Thanks, Brian. It's good to be here. I'll come by tomorrow." He locked the door behind Brian and took a moment to take in the room in front of him. When he'd been in the Hamptons, he'd flirted with the idea of selling it, lest he be too tempted to drown his sorrows in his own product.

But Kate had loved this place; she'd loved the atmosphere, and she'd come by a few times a week after work, sometimes for a drink, sometimes just to chat with the employees. Sometimes with Castle, sometimes without. She'd bought rounds on more than one occasion, and all the employees had loved seeing her.

His eyes flicked to the corner by the hostess stand. There was a small memorial set up, a picture of Kate surrounded by a few flowers, and notes from some of the regulars and employees she'd befriended.

God, he missed her. Four months almost to the day, and it still hurt. But over time, it had faded from the constant feeling of despair to a dull ache that only flared up once in awhile.

He was finally healing.


MID-OCTOBER

"Come on, Ricky. My phone's been ringing off the hook. I know you'd said no interviews, no press for this one, but everyone wants to talk to you about it. Frozen Heat is a hit and they want to hear about it from the source."

Castle pinched the bridge of his nose, trying to stave off the headache that was forming. "No, Paula. I said no then, and I'm saying no now."

Frozen Heat had come out three weeks before, and it was an absolute hit. Copies were flying off the shelves, and he had no idea how many eBooks had been sold, but it had debuted on top of the New York Times' bestsellers list and there were no signs of slowing down. So, naturally, the publisher wanted press so even more would sell.

But he knew that the minute he started talking about the book, the questions about Kate would start. And he didn't know if he could handle that.

Castle threw a pleading look at Gina. "Help me out here, will you?"

Gina sighed. "Look, Rick, Paula has a point. She could be saying it a little nicer, but it's still a point. And the point is, demand for Nikki is higher than ever. Everyone wans to know when the next book's coming out. Now—" She held her hand up when he started to interrupt her. "—we know you're not writing anymore Nikki. Let them hear it from you."

"Gina—"

"I'm not saying do a tour, Rick. But what if you just did a handful of talk shows? Local?" Gina shifted her gaze to Paula. "That's better than nothing, right?"

Paula rolled her eyes. "Jesus, Gina, you're killing me here. Okay, how about four daytime and morning shows and the late night shows. Letterman, Kimmel. You're buds with Kimmel, he'll get you in on short notice."

Rick was shaking his head almost immediately after Paula started talking. "No. I'm not talking about it that much, Paula. I'm better than I was, but I can't do that. One show."

"And Kimmel."

"One show. And they don't ask about Kate or anything about my personal life."


"This is entertainment reporter Kristina Coterra, here with author Richard Castle. Now Mr. Castle, is it true that Frozen Heat is the last Nikki Heat book?"

Castle shifted subtly in his chair; he knew this question was coming and had prepared himself for it, but it was different hearing it in person. He willed his face not to betray the grief that flooded his emotions. "Yes, that is correct," he said slowly, forcing his voice to stay steady. "I have no immediate plans to continue the series."

Kristina leaned forward in her seat. "Now, a lot of your readers were shocked when you killed off Derrick Storm almost four years ago. Does Nikki meet the same fate?"

Rick forced a smile. "You'll just have to read it, won't you?"

Kristina matched his smile with a dazzling one of her own. "So, Mr. Castle, I know that the inspiration for Nikki passed away about five months ago. How did that affect your writing?"

Castle tried to swallow around the lump that appeared in his throat. Despite his request that there be no questions about Kate, Paula had warned him that she may still be brought up. He managed to suppress the urge to walk out. "It was definitely difficult. Detective Beckett, Kate, was very important to me. But I knew she wouldn't want me to just stop the book, so I finished it for her memory. I gave her the ending I wished for her, the ending she deserved."

"So, what's next?"

"Well, I'm going to take some time off. After that, we'll see."

"I see." She reached towards the table in front of her and picked up a cut-out from the paper. "The New York Ledger named you one of the most eligible bachelors in the city yet again, after a 2 year absence. How does it feel to be back on the list?"

Really? This? "I don't place a lot of value in being on Page Six anymore." Castle shot a look to Paula, who was standing off stage, looking like she wanted to tackle Kristina right off the stage.

Kristina gave Castle a slow wink. "Well, I've been wanting to ask you for a long time if you would like to have dinner with me."

Out of the corner of his eye, Rick saw Paula in the program director's face; he was relatively sure she'd be yelling at the top of her lungs if they weren't on the set. He turned his attention back to Kristina and made sure he was as firm as possible. "I'm flattered, but I am not interested in seeing anyone at the moment."

Rick had to give the reporter some credit. She barely batted an eye at the rejection, even though he was sure she didn't hear "no" very often. Kristina turned to the camera. "Well, we're out of time. Frozen Heat, the final book in the Nikki Heat series, is in bookstores now. I'm Kristina Coterra, thank you for watching."

With that, he heard the program director yell "We're off!" and he stormed off the stage. Behind him, he heard Paula confront Kristina, heard her say something like "I will fucking ruin you," before he left.


NOVEMBER

"I'm coming, I'm coming!" Castle yawned as he made his way through the living room, hurrying to stop whoever was pounding on the door before they woke up his entire floor. Despite being just 7:30 in the morning, he'd been awake for an hour, and had just dressed when the knocks started.

"About damn time, Ricky," Paula snapped almost as soon as Castle opened the door. She barreled in, setting her purse on the kitchen counter and twirling to face him. "You're not going to believe who I spoke to this morning."

Castle sighed and started the coffee. "Someone on the east coast, I'm assuming?"

"I had a conference call with representatives that want you to pen the next book in a certain series about a certain spy whose latest novel tanked." She held her hand up when Castle spun back around, mouth open to respond. "Did you not learn your lesson last time? DON'T say the name!"

Rick couldn't deny that the urge to write had been strong lately. It had been almost two months since Frozen Heat had come out, and he hadn't written a word since he'd finished it in August. And the last time he'd had an offer, he couldn't bring himself to walk away from Nikki; more accurately, he couldn't walk away from Beckett. But now?

"What's the offer?" he asked after his coffee was done and he had a long sip in his system. "How many books?"

"One to start. They want to see how it goes, if it's successful. After the disaster of the last one, and how you walked away two years ago, they're a bit gun shy at the thought of a multi-book deal. With good reason."

Castle sat at the island. "Yeah, I don't blame them. What are they offering?"

Paula took a moment on her phone before answering. "I just sent you the contract. Look it over and let me know. But Ricky, they're not going to sit on their asses and wait for you to respond. They want your answer within 24 hours. Got it?"

"Got it."

Castle almost spit out his coffee when he saw the offer. The first time he'd been approached, he'd only been a little tempted. Sure, the money would have been great, not to mention fulfilling a lifelong dream. But at the end of the day, he couldn't leave Beckett; he'd never truly considered taking it. But now…

This could be what got Black Pawn off his back about bringing Nikki back.

That evening, after a long meeting with his attorneys and even longer conversations with his mother and Alexis, he called Paula.

"I sent you a few stipulations to pass on," he started as soon as she answered. "But they're reasonable, and there should be no reason they'll turn them down." He paused. The next words could change his life.

"I'll do it."


JANUARY

"You're sure you got everything?"

Castle smiled and pulled Alexis into yet another hug. "I'm sure, sweetie. I'm coming home in a few months, remember? So don't let Gram burn the place down."

"I heard that," Martha piped up with feigned offense. She shared a smile with her son and joined their hug. "We'll be fine, kiddo."

"And between FaceTime and Skype it will be like I'm not even gone," Castle insisted, although he knew his smile didn't quite reach his eyes. Because despite technology, he'd still be across the ocean from his family, in a city he hadn't been to in years, writing a book with sky-high expectations, while his daughter navigated her second semester of college.

Part of him felt selfish, like he was running away from his demons. But everyone he'd talked to, from his family to Ryan and Esposito to Dr. Burke, was nothing short of supportive. Dr. Burke especially felt that the change in scenery could be beneficial to him. Besides, he'd only be gone six months for research, and then he could come back to New York to write.

Castle caught a glimpse of the clock and regretfully pulled out of the hug. "I have to go." He kissed his mother on the cheek. "I love you, Mother. And thank you."

Martha cupped Rick's cheeks. "I love you too, Richard."

Rick turned to Alexis and mirrored his mother's gesture. "If you need anything, you call. I don't care what day, what time, I will be here."

"I know, Dad. No go. Make them proud."

Castle gave Alexis a watery kiss on her forehead. "That's my line." He hoisted his laptop bag onto his shoulder. "I'll call when I land, okay? I love you both."