"We cross our bridges when we come to them and burn them behind us, with nothing to show for our progress except a memory of the smell of smoke, and a presumption that once our eyes watered."
Tom Stoppard
Susie Chang was a Doctor. She thrived on order, precision, attention to detail and firmly believed that having a tidy workspace enforced a tidy mind. Therefore, the fact that her apartment had been, over the course of only a few days, completely turned upside down by one Jane Rizzoli, was really starting to irritate her. Not that the Detective was doing it on purpose. It wasn't big things; it wasn't like Jane left a pile of dishes in the sink or refused to pick up after herself. No, it was the way she carried this nervous energy around with her which seemed to rub off on her surroundings.
Not to mention that her dining table had been put out of commission due to the endless amounts of files, papers, newspaper clippings and pictures strewn across it, balancing precariously in uneven piles that were always just on the verge of tumbling all over the damned floor.
It was also in Jane's reactions. Every time Susie walked into the room the Detective's hand would instinctively whip to her gun. On more than one occasion the Doctor found herself glaring indignantly down the muzzle of said gun. Jane had been alone for too long and it was clear she wasn't used to the presence of another living, breathing, walking and talking human being around her.
The inherent differences between their personalities were laughably evident. Susie couldn't exactly say she liked the Detective. She certainly respected and admired her, she trusted her, but perhaps the word like was pushing her distant and vague affection for the older woman a little too far. It was difficult to forget all those times Jane would brush her off in the lab, the place where she was supposed to feel comfortable, the place where she had the control, where she could find the answers to the questions Jane was asking. Too often, Susie felt Jane didn't have enough time for her profession, as well as that of Doctor Isles. She knew it wasn't born out of malicious intent; it was mostly a lack of cohesive understanding. Jane felt that if someone really wanted to know what death and fear looked like, then they had to be out in the field, catching the bad guys.
Rizzoli couldn't seem to grasp the concept that Doctor Isles and she could discover things of huge importance from behind a microscope, or in analyzing a tiny fiber. The information came to her ready to utilize, ready to help her collar another perp, but Susie wasn't convinced that Jane really knew what kind of effort it took to find those little things that helped fit into the bigger picture.
And tonight, whilst Susie lounged in her deep armchair reading a thick novel, she watched Jane Rizzoli pacing back and forth like a caged animal in the kitchen. She had a beer in one hand, and the remnants of a burger in the other.
Well, that was the main food groups covered there then.
She happened to glance up and catch the Detective's eye. Jane stopped moving and cocked her head to one side at her temporary roommate. Susie rolled her eyes, muttering a soft, amused 'Urgh' of disdain when a drip of sauce landed on Jane's shirt. She listened to the string of curse words with a smirk on her face, hearing the water gushing from the faucet as Jane frantically fought to salvage one of her treasured, endless amounts of multicolored shirts.
A moment later, she sensed a presence beside her and lifted her head to find the Detective looming over the chair. The Italian thrust out a glass of wine, head down, cheeks pink. Susie held out her hand and accepted the offering, hiding a smile, "Thank you Jane," she said quietly, motioning for the taller woman to join her. Jane dropped down into the couch with a sigh, setting her bottle on the coffee table. She felt the pointed glare being directed her way and hurriedly picked it up, placing a beer mat under it before gently putting it on top with a flourish, sending Susie a rueful grin.
When Rizzoli started fidgeting, her fingers agitatedly rubbing at the scars on her hands, Doctor Chang knew what she wanted to hear.
It could only be one thing. The main thing they had in common right now was their concern for Maura Isles.
Oh, and can't forget to mention they were embroiled in a conspiracy to expose corruption of course.
Susie closed her book with a snap and set it to one side, taking a thoughtful sip of wine as she considered her newfound companion. After a few decent meals and some much needed sleep, Jane looked a little more like her old self. The unhealthy pallor of her skin had lessened, the bags under her eyes had faded somewhat and she no longer gave the impression she was ready to run as soon as the opportunity presented itself. She was a long way from being fine, but Chang knew that Jane Rizzoli would never be 'fine' until she was back where she belonged, with Maura.
"I spoke to her today, if you were wondering." Jane's head snapped up, her dark eyes instantly zeroing in on the completely calm and settled pair across from her. "No real change, but to be fair, that might be a good thing. She had lunch in the café with your Mother; I suppose that's what you call progress…" Susie shrugged, unhappy that she didn't have more to report.
"What did she look like?" A gruff voice enquired. Susie raised her eyebrows, curious. "What was she wearing?" Jane elaborated, shielding the lower half of her face with one rough hand, but refusing to tear her gaze away from the Doctor.
Susie thought back to this morning when she first saw the Doctor heading into the building, and then again when she was busy doing paperwork and arranging folders in her office, picturing exactly what she looked like proved difficult. She had been preoccupied with Taylor, and had only managed a couple minutes of conversation with her mentor. "She was wearing this dark blue satin blouse, with three quarter length sleeves and a wide collar… And a black skirt, with a pair of black heels and a blazer…" With a jolt, Susie realised that she only saw that blazer when Maura walked in. It didn't make an appearance for the rest of the day. "I think it was one of your blazers Jane." The Detective let out something that sounded like a cross between 'fuck' and a sob. "She wore it on her way into the building, but not during the day."
Jane blew air over the rim of the bottle, moodily listening to the gentle 'oooh' that sounded out. "She didn't want anyone to see it." She eventually stated, taking a gulp of beer.
"God, I just miss her so much." The Detective choked out, lowering her head as she felt herself nearing tears. "I lover her Susie, I know you might not believe that seeing as I left… But I did it because I had to keep them safe. I had to keep her safe. Knowing that I was the one putting her in harm's way was killing me… And she deserves more than that, I know… I've loved her for as long as I can remember, it's almost like everything and everyone before Maura just doesn't exist anymore…" Jane shrugged with one shoulder, "I guess she just blew them all outta the water." She broke off, unable or unwilling to continue.
Susie tipped her head to one side, measuring her next statement like her life depended on it.
"I could see it between you two way before you opened your eyes and stopped being so goddamn clueless." She eventually said.
Well, nobody had ever accused Susie Chang of being overly tactful.
Jane coughed out an indignant bark, spluttering on her beer, "Hey!" she protested feebly.
Susie then said, gesturing at Jane with her now half empty glass, "Maybe it's better it took you longer to get together. You had to wait, and became stronger for it. Maybe this year apart, despite the lies and the betrayal, will also eventually bring you closer together."
Jane snorted in disbelief, "I wish," she muttered, using her finger to draw aimless patterns on the couch.
Susie shot the Detective a level, dark look. "Well it certainly won't if you have that attitude." Jane just stared at her, confused. Susie sighed, rolling her eyes heavenwards and biting down on her inner cheek to keep from verbally attacking this woman who was so very intelligent, but oh so dim when it came to Maura Isles and all things emotional, "You've suffered Jane, I understand that. But you have absolutely no idea how much this affected Maura. It broke her.
It. Broke. Her." Susie said, pausing after every word to hammer her point home.
"She managed to keep going, because people depend on her here. They depend on her good work and her kindness. But you left her, you broke her. Maybe you've burnt your bridges," Susie shrugged, "I dunno, that's not for me to say. But at least you didn't have to live with the knowledge that someone else left you, just like every other person who claimed to love you…"
Jane found herself wondering just how in the hell Susie knew all of this. Then she realised that this woman had worked with them for years. She must have picked up on a lot of things.
She must have kept a lot of secrets for them too.
"You had a year to come to terms with leaving her behind; leaving your family and your job and you had a year to come to terms with the memories in a new city. Doctor Isles…" Chang released a tremulous, humorless laugh, "Was surrounded by you. She was left to rot. She was left with the false knowledge that you never loved her, and she had to presume, to maintain her sanity, that maybe, maybe you felt just an ounce of regret."
Susie thought of all the times she had knocked lightly on the door to Maura's office and found her with red rimmed eyes and blotchy skin, looking utterly heart broken, and for a moment, she hated the woman sitting across from her.
Hated her a whole damn lot.
"She had to try and comfort herself with hoping that maybe, as you walked away from her and boarded that plane, your eyes watered just a little at the thought of who you were leaving behind. She hoped against hope that you would come back to her…" Susie gritted her teeth, "And you didn't."
"You are going to have to fight like hell to regain her trust. To make her feel like she can believe in you, without questioning every word that comes out of your mouth, you are going to have to kneel, right there in front of her, and beg, and apologize, and promise."
Susie lifted her index finger accusingly, "She loved you, she opened up to you and trusted you with everything she had, and then you threw it back in her face and left. Now, I know," She had to raise her voice to drown out Jane's meek protests, "That you feel you didn't have a choice. But I can tell you right now that she would have packed up a suitcase and gone with you. She would have put that tortoise in a carry case and sat next to you on the plane and gone wherever you wanted to go. To the furthest corner of the earth, to the fucking moon Jane, she would have gone with you without any hesitation. That, is how much she loved you."
The Doctor knew her words were having the desired affect, so she pressed on with confidence, "Whether it was the right thing to do or not, you spat in her face. You all but buried her that day, and then you danced on her grave. She hates you. She has every right to despise the very ground you stand upon. But she also loves you. She worships you with this… This fierceness, this integrity, that people like me only read about. That people like you, don't see until it's almost too late."
Susie paused, running the tip of her finger around and around her glass, gazing at the woman across from her, "You did a noble thing Detective, giving up your life so that your family could be safe. You did a noble, selfless thing. Problem is," Susie annunciated firmly with a sip of wine, "It wasn't just your life. It was Maura's life too. You are her life. You, for some unfathomable reason…"
Jane huffed out a grudging, watery chuckle at that as she struggled to process all that was being said, fiddling distractedly with the watch Frankie brought over with some of her other things. The timepiece Maura got her as Christmas present four years ago, engraved with the words 'To Jane, Merry Christmas! With all my love, Maura.'
Damn she had missed that watch. She liked to read the inscription whenever she was having a shitty day. It possessed the power to immediately lift her spirits and galvanize her into action.
"You fund her very existence. Without you here to counteract that crippling anxiety and self doubt that plagues…" At Jane's stricken look Susie growled our hoarsely and impatiently, "Yes I know all about it Rizzoli I'm not blind… The anxiety that plagues her every day… She is a shell. An empty husk."
Doctor Chang stood, towering over the Detective and tipped her empty glass at her challengingly, "We're all counting on you to fill her up again, make her whole and bring her back. Don't cock it up this time around Jane, or you'll have me to answer to."
A/N: I have learned not question my mind when it wants me to write, so here's another chapter. Hope you enjoy!
