Chapter 7 Broken Promise
"But…why…? How could you let him go?" I screeched through tears; I was so angry with my mother for allowing this, my heart literally felt pain.
"Renesmee you can't possibly think I…let…him go?" she struggled "I begged him to stay" my mother's voice was pained.
"It's crazy" I said as Jacob grabbed my hand.
My mother was quiet before she spoke softly again.
"Do you remember what I said to you a couple of days ago? I said is it crazy to follow your heart?"
I didn't know where she was going with this. I just nodded my head.
"How I'd made decisions because I loved you more than anything and that even though it might be crazy to someone else, I still did it because in my heart I knew it was the right thing?"
I nodded again.
"Well Renesmee when I was pleading with your father to stay, he told me that he loved you too much and the only thing he could do was this…for you… even if it's crazy. Your father and I have a strong love… a strong bond… but the most redeeming trait our love shares is the fact that we love you more than anything." She grabbed my hand again caressing it softly. "I couldn't be a hypocrite; when I was more than willing to give my life for you but when he wants to…" she breathed, struggling to say the words "…when he wants to do the same… I can't simply object."
I couldn't believe what I was hearing, my father was going to risk everything by getting involved with the Volturi and my mother was ok with it because she risked everything when she was a human for me?
This was exactly what I meant by my existence; it ruined everything. I could see in my mother's eyes that this was the most painful thing she has ever gone through but she is going through it because of me. I didn't say a word I just stared at her tears falling recklessly down my cheeks.
"Renesmee and this is not set in stone" my mother said abruptly, as if she were trying to make herself believe her own words.
"What is not set in stone?" I said as I wiped a few tears from my cheek.
"Your father is going to argue that what Joham is doing is illegal, that impregnating these women could get the word out about vampires"
"After Aro met me and Nahuel I thought they decided that these types of children were ok?" I asked
"Yes, the ones who have been raised not to drink human blood but who knows what Joham could do; he could start a small army of human blood thirsty babies. That is what your father is going to argue"
"And if that argument doesn't work he is going to offer his servitude?" my voice cracked and my mother's face grew wary again.
"Well, he has another argument. The Volturi's biggest fear is the uncertainty of these children. Joham came here specifically for" she paused slightly "…you. No one knows what a vampire who is one fourth human and three fourths vampire would be capable of"
So my father was going to argue that they should hunt and kill Joham because if they don't he will impregnate me, which will produce a child of the unknown.
I wanted to see my fathers face so badly, I wanted to feel him kiss my forehead and say 'I love you sweetheart' I needed to hear his voice…I needed him here…with us; not with the Volturi a clan who once wanted me and my entire family dead. It didn't make sense. I was angry with my father, I wanted to yell at the top of my lungs but I knew it wouldn't do any good. I knew that he was there doing this for our family…doing this for me.
It was hard to even think that some vampire-some sadistic vampire- was out there waiting for the right moment to attack me. I looked at Jacob; he hadn't said a word in a long time. I knew just by looking in his eyes that nothing I said would stop him from hunting Joham.
I knew that life for all of us would be better if Joham were caught and killed, but I would not take any chances of Jacob getting hurt or…killed…because of me. I would gladly stand in front of Joham and die at his hands before I could ever let anything happen to Jacob or any of my family for that matter.
"It's ok Nessie, he is not going to get anywhere near you" Jacob said softly with an edge to his voice as he stood up to leave. He'd misread my facial expression. The look in my eyes wasn't fear for myself but fear for him and my family.
"Jake, you're not leaving this room" I said flatly as I stifled the last of my tears and tremors.
"Ness, I…"
"No, don't step one foot out of this room, the second you do I'm following right behind you" I interrupted.
"Seriously, Nessie Joham is…"
"…is my problem" I interrupted again. "Jake I've never been more serious in my life."
Jacob looked at me like I was crazy, and honestly in that moment I probably was, but that didn't matter now. I was unconscious when my father decided to pretty much put his life on the line for me; I am definitely not going to have Jacob do the same especially while I'm fully awake and aware.
"Nessie, this isn't a conversation we are having"
"You're right its not, I'm glad you understand"
"No…Nessie" Jacob corrected me "That's not what I meant, I mean that this is not a conversation…period…I'm not standing by while this blood suckers after you" Jacob said through clenched teeth, his anger blaring its ugly face through his eyes.
"You can get as mad as you want" he continued "but I'm not taking any chances. Case Closed."
I felt my heart speed up, I hated when anyone spoke to me like I was a child. I hated when anyone spoke to me about my life but didn't let me have a say in it. I could feel my face burning as I glared at Jacob angrily.
My mother was as still as a rock beside me. She was more than likely feeling awkward in this moment witnessing her daughter about to have a fight with her boyfriend.
"I'll leave you two, to discuss this" she said slowly guarding every word that left her mouth. She got up kissed my cheek, quickly glanced at Jacob and as quick as a blink she was gone.
"Jake, this case is not closed" I spat back
"You're insane if you think, I'm going to actually talk to you about this" he said angrily as he walked towards the window.
I stood up, but this time slower, my case would be harder to argue if I were passed out on the floor.
"Listen to me, everything that is going on is because of me; now everyone I love is in danger and it's not fair… this is my problem" I walked towards him "If my father is in Italy risking everything so that the Volturi can deal with this…what makes you think you and your wolves can do any better?" I waited impatiently for his response.
"We are not going to sit here and let this family fight this battle alone, we are just as much a part of your life as anybody; we have no clue how many crazed half vampire half human babies Joham has running around waiting to attack" he argued back.
"It's my fault and it's my problem" I said again vehemently
"It is not your fault and it is everyone's problem" he growled
Jacob looked at me; he was highly upset-if that even describes the look on his face- that I wouldn't let this go. I knew that it made sense for my family to protect me; any family would protect the ones they loved. But I can't stand idle when I see the ones I love risking everything just to protect me.
It didn't make sense to Jacob and it probably wouldn't make sense to most; but…this…I could not allow.
"You promised" I blurted out after a few exaggerated seconds went by.
"What?" Jacob asked confused.
"You promised you wouldn't leave, you have to keep that promise"
Jacob shook his head a walked closer to me.
"Nessie, I'm sorry. But promises are null in void once your safety is at risk" Jacobs tone was a little lighter but still had that edge to it. He walked towards me and kissed my cheek. "Bye Ness, I'll see you later tonight" Jacob turned away from me to walk towards the window.
"Stop…!" I yelled my voice cracking still from the heavy sleep. Jacob kept walking ignoring my plea. I needed him to stop; I needed him to stay here with me. I physically needed someone…him… by my side.
"Jacob Black if you leave this room, don't you ever come back" the words flew from my lips unguardedly. He spun around his face painted with confusion and anger.
The words were not premeditated but they got his attention.
We glared at each other for a long while before he spoke.
"You don't mean that" Jacob said, it wasn't a question.
"I do. You promised to stay here. If you break that promise, how can I trust you?" I was completely off the cuff, with no direction in sight. Jacob's face was torn between anger, debate and shock, which probably mirrored my own face.
I didn't know what I was saying but the more I spoke the longer Jacob was standing here with me. I was really beginning to think that Jacob was right I was insane. Stubborn and most obviously border line selfish, but the more it ran through my mind the less I cared.
Subconsciously I knew I wasn't being logical but, I didn't stop.
"How can you trust me? I'm going out there to save you…and you can't trust me?" He yelled. "Damn it Renesmee what the hell is wrong with you?"
As loud as his voiced boomed I almost felt like curling into a ball. I didn't know what the hell was wrong with me. I knew it was a lost cause, but the only thing I did know was that I needed him to stay.
This ultimatum was obviously not working. I needed him to realize-even if it's just for tonight- that he could not leave me, that I needed him.
I slowly walked over to him. I grabbed his hand and stood there silent for a few minutes before I spoke.
"I trust you, Jake" I whispered barely audible. I wrapped both of my arms around Jacob's neck stretching with his full length as I pulled myself up on the tips of my toes. He stood motionless not helping me reach his face.
"I'm sorry I said that, you know I trust you" I said again an inaudible whisper. I pulled my self up without his help he didn't move as our eye contact became level with one another.
I kissed him softly on the lips, he did not reciprocate. I clung there like a rag doll as he stood like a statue. I kissed him again, not closing my eyes still holding the eye contact; I could see that his eyes were not as angry as they were but they were no where near a good mood.
"Please" I whispered my lips still touching his as I spoke.
"Please" I repeated. I felt his hands slowly grip around my back allowing me to relax my grip from around his neck slightly. He'd misunderstood my words. I wasn't begging him to kiss me back; I was begging him to stay.
I finally closed my eyes breaking our eye contact for the first time in minutes. I kissed him intensely with passion; he finally reciprocated. Our kiss grew into something more than any other kiss we'd had. The kisses before were passionate but something was missing in the other kisses that this one did not lack; this kiss was ferocious, angry mixed in with the passion.
I moaned against Jacob's lips, moving my hands to his hair; now that I was being fully supported by Jacob's arms. I hiked my legs up; wrapping them around his waist.
Finally we broke from the kiss coming up for air, he kissed my neck as he walked towards my bed still carrying me. Our lips locked again, before I felt the softness of my comforter crash into my back. Jacob was on top of me as we lay on my bed our lips never losing rhythm.
All I had on was a long T-shirt and underwear, my legs exposed as I felt Jacob's hot hand rub my inner thigh causing me to quiver. Jacob moved his lips from my lips to my cheek, from my cheek, to my neck.
"I knew I could make you stay, I knew you wouldn't break a promise" I said breathlessly. Then all too quickly Jacob was standing to his feet in the middle of my room. I sat up and looked at him puzzled.
"Wh…what's wrong…?" I panted
"That's what this is about? A promise…? You'd do anything to make me stay? Ness, I don't know what is wrong with you or what is going on in your head right now. But this…you…" he stopped talking
I rewound what I said and realized that's not what I meant…exactly. What had gotten into me? This was low, and I couldn't bare the fact that I'd hurt him, made him think I was taking advantage of him.
"Jake, I'm sorry I…"
"No, Ness…" he interrupted. "Save it, when you're ready to tell me what's really going on. I'll be here to listen"
"But Jake…" before I could finish my sentence he was gone. My heart felt hallow. It always hurt to be away from Jacob but right now was much worse than anything I had experienced in his absence.
I sat on my bed staring at the window Jacob had jumped out of, just thinking about all the things that had gone wrong. And all were because of me.
I kept repeating what Jacob said to me over and over again 'When you're ready to tell me what's going on. I'll be here to listen'
I was not myself; I'd never been that overbearing that stubborn in my entire life. I couldn't tell Jacob what was wrong until I figured it out for myself first. It was no secret that I needed him by my side and it is no secret that I love him with all of my heart but what I displayed just moments ago was embarrassing and regretful.
I let my mind wonder to the beginning of everything before all of the drama -that is my life- happened.
The quiet morning I spent in La Push with Jacob, when we were just friends, before any of the imprinting talk. Then the argument that turned into a nice conversation with my mother in the kitchen, then Jacob coming over sharing secrets that I didn't know about. Then Jacob finally telling me that he imprinted me, and finding out about his relationship with my mother, then running into Nahuel.
The thought of Nahuel sent uneasiness through my body. I thought about that almost kiss. How close I'd come to succumbing to temptation. I realized I wasn't upset with myself that I'd almost kissed him but that even afterwards I'd wished I did.
Something in the back of my mind wanted to see how far I could push imprinting, learn what the limits were. I didn't know why and couldn't understand why I could not rid this thought. All my uncertainties came rushing to the fore front, all the thoughts I'd suppressed.
I realized why I wanted…needed Jacob to stay with me. When I am with him I don't think about anything else. He is the only thing I see and need. When he is away my mind wonders about possibilities…about Nahuel, about what if imprinting was not a factor? Where would Jacob and I stand?
It was guilt…all guilt. Jacob didn't know about my almost kiss with Nahuel and it was eating away at me and I didn't realize it until Jacob was gone.
I was officially crazy. I was trying to question the love and nature of my relationship with Jacob that stemmed from imprinting. Discovering unanswered and undefined feelings for Nahuel -who is in all actuality a stranger- over just a couple days and I can't forget the fact that his father wants to rape and impregnate me.
My mind flashed to Joham's face-or what I could see of it- his cold hands on my skin his blazing red eyes piercing through the dark night. I shivered trying to block that image from my mind. Knowing that my father was with the Volturi because of Joham made my face feel burning hot, if I could I would like to kill Joham with my own two hands.
I snapped from that thought; I couldn't allow my self to think of my father, it hurt too badly.
"Can I come in?" I heard my mother say through the door.
"Of course"
She walked in slowly then stopped at the foot of my bed her face was concerned and surprised.
"Renesmee sweetie, what happened are you ok?" she asked as she sat on my bed beside me.
I didn't know what she meant -she more than likely heard Jacob yelling at me- until I sat up and saw my pillow drenched with my tears. I wondered what my face looked like.
"Oh, I'm fine" I lied as I hurriedly wiped away the last of the tears. It felt like I'd cried more these last few days than I did for my entire lifetime.
"Your not use to fighting with Jake" she said but it wasn't a question.
"I'm not crying because of Jake mom."
We just sat there staring at each other for a moment in complete silence before she spoke again.
"Your father…he is going to be fine" she said. But it sounded like she was trying to convince herself.
I didn't say a word; I honestly could not talk about my father saying the words always made something real. And this definitely could not be real. Just thinking about the way the Volturi regard human life and family and friends and love repulsed me. My father could not be apart of that.
All the problems in my life seemed like they were at war with each other; one problem trying to outshine the other causing me to feel weak, there was nothing more I wanted to do than just lie in my bed until everything just went away.
I was startled out of my thoughts when my mother's cell phone rang. She answered so quickly I barely saw her take it out of her jean pocket.
"Hey Alice" she said.
I could hear the murmuring of my Aunt Alice's bell like voice through the receiver but just barely.
My mothers face grew serious, I looked at her concerned.
"I'm fine Alice, just say it" my mothers voice was hard and cold very much the vampire. This frightened me; I sat completely up trying to focus as closely as I could to hear what Alice was saying.
I concentrated until finally after a long pause I heard Aunt Alice say in a strained voice.
"Bella, I had a vision…it's about Edward… and the Volturi"
