Warning: Angst, Hurt!Dean, Protective!Sammy, Protective!Bobby.

Disclaimer: Checked again, sure enough, the boys, Bobby, Castiel and Pamela still aren't mine…Kripke owns all my toys, the bastard…


Chapter 7:

Revelations

Sam strode purposefully through the narrow halls of Pamela's house, following the sounds of a low conversation being held in the small kitchen. Turning the last corner, the conversation in progress faded away to silence. Sam's eyes took in the sight of the psychic and Bobby sitting at the table in the somber silence. They looked up at him acknowledging his presence and their acceptance of the fact that he had had to take a little bit of time before rejoining them. As Sam made his way to the table and pulled the sturdy wooden chair out and made to sit, he saw Pamela flinch slightly. Deep down, though it was counter-balanced with shame, he couldn't help but feel a small bit of satisfaction upon seeing it. She had hurt his brother, his best friend, his father for all intents and purposes and he was slightly gladdened by the fact that she was upset and even a bit fearful because of it. She gave Sam a wide-eyed look, asking for forgiveness and showing her fear of his reaction simultaneously. Bobby, whom was the wisest and slyest man they knew, saw the interplay and took steps to head off any nasty outbursts for the time being. He tightened his comforting grip on the nape of her neck, reassuring her that he was not gonna let anything they'd all regret go down on his watch. He caught Sam's eye and cleared his throat. Sam drew himself in, battening down all the openings to his inner darkness, making himself have control over his still jumbled and roiling emotions. He nodded to Bobby and took a seat, locking his fingers together and placing them on the surface of the table. He took one final moment to be sure he was in control before he addressed Pamela. Ready now, he allowed his voice to break the uncomfortable silence.

"Pamela" he said quietly but firmly, "I need you to tell me everything that happened while we were gone so that I will know how I can try to help my brother." Sam finished, keeping his voice calm and emotionless.

Pamela, for her part, let out a small puff of breath that read like relief. She nodded silently, closing her eyes for a moment to steel her nerves. When she opened them, she took a deep breath and then began to tell her tale.

"Ok…I'll tell you everything…Dean woke up around noon. I felt him coming out of unconsciousness and so I sent Midnight, my cat, a familiar of sorts, to lead him to me. He was still in pretty bad shape but was determined to get up and around so I let him come to me rather then going to him because I know how much he hates to be seen as vulnerable or weak, but I was monitoring him the whole way, ready to go get him if I sensed he wasn't gonna make it." Pamela said in a rush of words, looking briefly at Sam before continuing.

"It took him a while but he made it to the kitchen and sat down to rest. He fell asleep for about a half an hour from the strain and exertion. I checked on him to be sure he was ok and I let him find me in the den, were I was scrying for answers on what had happened to him or who had taken him, which by the way, there was absolutely no answers from, almost as though something really powerful was blocking my way…" she said, looking between Bobby and Sam to let gauge their reactions. She could see Bobby was frowning slightly at that, but Sam was reserving his emotionality for the thing that mattered most and the rest of the information be damned for the moment. She pushed herself on.

"When he made it to me and slid down into his seat, I was able to sense him a little deeper. Something was blocked, hidden from view in his mind and I could tell he was not happy about it and was worried about what was contained in that gap of his memory, so I offered to hypnotize him and help him recover that lost time. He was missing all the memories back to the night before he disappeared. He remembered you guys going out to celebrate finishing up that hunt, before you were gonna head out after that demon Bobby had called you about. He remembered you drinking too much, Sam, and heading off to the room to sleep it off. That was where his memories stopped, a steep, dark drop-off from that point on until he woke up here. I should have known then, from the darkness pouring off them, that they were too much for his state of mind to take on, but he was persistent, insisting to know what had happened, so I put him under…If I had known…if I had realized he had blocked off the memories to save himself, I never would have done it, I promise you, Sam…I never would have put him under. I'm so sorry…so sorry…" Pamela lowered her gaze, not wiling to look in Sam's eyes.

"At first, it seemed ok, like he was remembering good memories…he remembered meeting a woman in the bar named Tara Gracen. He remembered taking her back to her hotel room, which was at the hotel a few blocks up from the one you guys were staying at, and they had what seemed to be a night full of all the fun two consenting adults can get up to behind closed doors. After they…um…well, after it was over, they fell asleep. That's when the bad memories reared their heads…" she said, stopping for a moment to take a deep breath. This was going to be painful for all parties concerned, she knew that and she wished like hell that she didn't know what had gone down and wished even harder that she hadn't torn open the wounds that were still so fresh and painful and had set off the almost catastrophic chain reaction that followed thereafter…Breathing deep once more, she started again, feeling the anxiety and fear climbing around her. She willed herself to focus solely on herself to stave off the overwhelming dread in the room as she thrust the dark events into the light of truth.

"Dean was woken a few hours later, having been transferred to the warehouse already at that point. I'm not sure if they had drugged him to do that, but I'm willing to bet so, cause we all know he wouldn't go quietly otherwise…Anyways, when he woke up, he was tied to a chair. I got the feeling that he had been their and in that position for quite some time because he had said his arms were aching but going numb. Standing in front of him was none other than Tara. She revealed herself to be the demon you boys were set to be looking for…guess she found you first…Dean inadvertently let her see the disgust he felt about knowing he'd had sex with a demon and she used it against him…She…um…" Pamela broke off, shaking her head, trying not to break down again before she was done telling them, she looked at Sam. He looked away briefly, a faint ruddiness playing on his face. Pamela got the feeling he had something he was hiding and she was pretty sure she could venture a guess about what it was…but, that was neither here nor there at this point so she pushed it away for now.

"She forced herself on him, made him react to her unwanted contact…" she said quietly.

Sam closed his eyes, trying to will the tears he felt rising away. God…she'd raped him! The bitch had raped him! And not only that, she made sure he'd had a reaction to it…adding to that the fact that she had screwed him before he knew what she really was…Dean was probably so guilt-ridden and ashamed because of it, though he had no cause to be what so ever…Sam knew his brother, however, and he knew exactly how he would react what had happened. Fucking twisted bitch! Sam swallowed hard, swiping his hand over his face, wishing he could make all of this go away, wipe it clean and spare his big brother the terrible torment and pain of it all. He opened his wetly shining eyes, looking to Bobby, who was similarly pained, his brows furled and eyes glimmering as they shared a saddened look before breaking the connection. Sam turned his attention back to Pamela. She had tears sliding down her face as well. He tilted his head to her slightly and she caught the meaning. He needed her to continue, to finish it so he could get back to his brother's side. She nodded and began again.

"She was with 2 other demons, her underlings I guess, she had him drugged to keep him awake, to make sure he felt every wound, every pain, and she began torturing him. After a while, his mind started to splinter, his memories of Hell merging with what she was doing to him…he lost his hold on the present and slipped back there, reeling between what he had suffered and what he was suffering at that point in time…she forced herself on him again, choking him to the point of death as she did so, making him feel and react again and again as she choked him then let him come back…she let him breathe, get nearly fully conscious, before she'd tighten her hold and push him back to the darkness again. I don't know how many times she did that to him, but he had already been weak from the cutting and burning and God knows what else she did to him…I felt him slipping then, felt his mind slipping back to Hell, I felt him losing reality and dying slowly inside his mind. I had been trying to break the connection, to pull him back from feeling the torture all over again…because he had been thrust back to that moment and for him, he was there, it was happening right then…" Pamela choked through a heaving sob, her hand quaking as it alighted to her mouth. Her tears were flowing heavily now, and Bobby, ever the gentleman, offered her his handkerchief.

Sam fisted his hand through his hair, willing himself to hold on, to get through this…because he had to know…only, the more he knew, the more he really didn't want to know. He buried his face in his palms for a time, he wasn't sure for how long. He felt a warm presence near him. He felt Bobby's hand squeeze his shoulder, bringing him back to the present. He sniffled, scrubbing at the tears welling from his eyes as he looked up into the older hunter's eyes. Her heard Pamela, sounding so small and far off as she finished sharing what she knew.

"I was frantic…I could feel him slipping away and I couldn't get to him, I couldn't bring him back…Suddenly, I remembered Castiel. I grabbed up what I needed to summon him and I got through to him. He showed up, going to Dean and he was able to catch him at the last second…but…Dean had been so far gone at that point and now with all the knowledge he had tried so hard to block out and protect himself from, I just don't know if he can fully come back from that! I don't know if it was too little, too late by the time Castiel got to him! I don't know!…God, this is so fucked up…" she shrieked out, body shaking with despair and misery. She reached out to Sam, her fingers clenching down into the flesh of his forearm.

"I'm so sorry. Sam, I am so sorry! I didn't mean to hurt him, I was trying to help…I'm so sorry!" Pamela whispered before she broke off, unable to speak anymore, all peace of mind that Castiel had given her was gone once again.

Sam nodded, unable to speak, to offer her any comfort. He stood, silently and broken-heartedly making his way back down the narrow hallway, slipping stealthily inside his brother's room, to take up his vigil at his big brother's bedside that he had only so recently abandoned. He had been so filled with hope from Cas's visit that his brother was going to be able come back to him again. All that hope was dashed away once again leaving him in utter despair.

Dean was already so haunted by everything he had had to deal with in his life. Raising his little brother after watching his mother burn to death in agony, watching his father almost destroy himself, trying to deal with they pain of her loss, only to have him pull away from his eldest son, falling back into his Marine teachings and building walls to keep his sons out to stave off the pain he would feel if he lost them too. Sam knew Dean had thrown himself into doing anything and everything to win back the love and comfort had once known from his father, but nothing ever got through to John Winchester. He never let himself be a father to Dean again. He still tried to be a father to Sam, the last precious gift Mary had given him, but he was torn, simultaneously trying to be both father and drill sergeant to him, succeeding only in pushing him away.

Dean took all of it in stride, fighting valiantly to keep their small, broken little family together, desperately holding on to the both of them, trying to bridge the ever-widening gap, playing peace-maker and always being stuck smack-dab in the middle of their raging, infamous Winchester tempers…Even still, he tried so hard to keep the connection. Then his little brother, his son, his best friend, his sole purpose in the world, as his father would have him believe, had gone and left him, turned away from him, pushing him out of his life. Sam knew he had almost broken his brother then. He'd vainly thought Dean deserved to keep their dad company, since he was such a mindless little soldier to the man. He hadn't realized then why Dean had been that way. He hadn't even considered what leaving would do to them both. Sam knew he was gonna do what he wanted and he didn't care what price Dean would pay for it all.

He hadn't known, not 'til years later, that, their father had left him, too. He come back to find Sam gone and apparently, he saw no need then to stick around with his eldest. He'd lit out of there like his ass was on fire, leaving Dean broken and alone. Dean had told him once that dad hadn't spoke to him for weeks afterwards, and then, when he finally did, he barely spoke at all, just ordered Dean off to various hunts on his own, rarely having Dean join him when he needed an extra man then sending him out again. Dean followed every order, doing his very best to win any acknowledgement from their father he could…Then the calls had stopped coming. He had tried to reach the eldest Winchester, to no avail. For the first time in his life, he was in charge of himself and for a little while he'd been lost as to what he should do. He threw himself into hunting, finding his own hunts, waiting for John to call. When he'd gotten the call, finally, he knew John Winchester was in trouble. He gone straight to the only person he ever really trusted to have his back to go rescue their errant father. Sam had resisted, but seeing some of the hurt that Dean thought he'd hidden away, Sam had relented to a short trip with his big brother.

The hunt was solved, their dad not found and he was turning his back on Dean again. If the demon hadn't come for him, hadn't killed Jess, he would have gone on pretending his brother didn't matter. Then Dean was there, pulling him from the fire all over again. He accepted Sam back, whole-heartedly. He took care of him, kept him going as they searched for the demon and their father. He'd kept Sam going as time after time the demon dipped into their lives, wreaking havoc. They'd finally found their father again, only to have the demon tear his big brother apart wearing his father's face and using his father's voice, spilling harsh, hurtful words designed to break him down completely and still he'd tried to save him. Then, after it seemed they'd miraculously come out of it all relatively alive, they'd been hit by that semi…

Dean had been dying, their father seemingly uncaring once again that his eldest was at death's door, but, he'd shocked the hell outta Sam by laying down his life, his soul to save Dean. Little did Sam know he gave one last order: Save Sam or kill him. The demon rampaged through their lives again and again until in the last moment, he'd set Sam up to kill or be killed against another man that had been infected by him. Sam had defeated him, but not struck the killing blow. He'd gone toward his brother, allowing the enemy take him from behind and kill him. That had truly broken Dean. His big brother had already felt like he didn't deserve to be alive, that his father had made a mistake in saving him, so he'd thrown his own soul down in a deal to save his beloved little brother.

The year-long quest to break the deal was a disaster, and nothing they did was able to save him. Dean had gone to Hell…for him. Sam had been lost then, his world tossed upside down and torn asunder. He'd been Hell-bent on joining Dean down their, only to be stopped by a demon of all things. When Dean had been resurrected and had found his way back into Sam's life, Sam had felt like he'd been given a second chance, a chance to make things right.

Lo and behold, he'd gone and fucked that up too, pushing away his brother at every turn. His broken, tormented brother, who was buried under the prospect of living with Hell riding around first and foremost in his mind day after day and the only one he could or would ever let himself reach out to for comfort goes and slams the door in his face. Looking back now, Sam felt utter and complete disgust at himself for all the needless, hurtful things he'd done to his brother. All the pain he'd willingly helped their father heap on him and still, his brother had never complained. Instead, he'd given himself selflessly into every single thing he'd ever done, truly the most selfless, amazing human being Sam had ever known but had never realized was right there next to him, not even after losing him, after pushing him away, not until he'd almost let it be too late to try and turn things around.

Sam edged as close to the bed as he could and placed his palm onto Dean's forearm. He reached out shakily and gently stroked his fingers through his big brother's short, tawny hair. Dean leaned into the comfort once again, as if he knew it was his little brother there. Sam thought he did know. All their lives, conscious or not, Dean knew where his little brother was and if he was in trouble, pain, upset, whatever…he knew Sam with uncanny accuracy and Sam often wondered if Dean didn't maybe have an intuitive gift as well…

Sam murmured soothing words to his brother, hoping somewhere, deep down, his brother could hear him and would be able to follow them back. As Sam was soothing his big brother, the rest of the world fell away. Only Dean existed. The rest of the shit-storm constantly whirling around them could wait. Sam's sole purpose was to figure out how to get his brother back and the rest of it be damned…

TBC...


A/N: Ok, lots of angst, my favorite, and so yeah, this chappie was a bit emo, but whatever…

Anyhoo, thanks for sticking around, I'm not sure when I'll update next because I have other fics that need seein' to, but I will try not to let it be so damn long this time….and see, Krissy, I did update it! Now, quid pro quo, missy, where's YOUR promised update?

As usual folks, please Read and Review!!! Reviews make me happy and more likely to update sooner….

And, also, please visit my Profile and check out my collection of hand-made Supernatural jewelry, including replicas of the Mary Winchester's Hunter's Protection bracelet, as seen in the epi "In the Beginning" and Dean Winchester's Skull bracelet, which he has worn from the second season til present.

Thanks again, my fic loving friends!!! Catch ya on the flip side!