Harley knocked on the door to Deadshot's apartment, and Joker, Ivy, and Crane watched from the bottom of the stairs, holding their breath. The door opened and Deadshot looked at her, and then held open the door for her to enter.
"Ok, go!" hissed Ivy, and they all three hurried over to the door as it shut. Joker shoved them both out of the way to look through the keyhole, while the other two listened through the cracks. And this is what Joker saw.
"Look what you've done!" shrieked Harley, pointing to her face. "He's kicked me out, and it's all your fault!"
"Good riddance," retorted Deadshot. "You don't need him, Harley. You know that. You're so much better on your own, so much stronger and more independent, and a much better role model…"
"I don't wanna be a role model!" shrieked Harley. "I want to be a terrible warning! I've always been a psychotic mess, but at least I used to have some self-respect, and the love of a man I loved madly! What have I got now?!"
Deadshot shrugged. "You can be an even more psychotic mess. And who needs self-respect when you're that hot? If you're really psychotic, you shouldn't be loyal to an abusive creep like the Joker. You should be crazy enough to sleep around with a lot of bad boys. After all, an attractive woman shouldn't waste her life pining after some jerk who doesn't want her. She should be enjoying all the jerks who do."
Harley glared at him. "You know what, Deadshot?" she snapped. Then her face broke into a grin. "You're right," she murmured, sliding into his arms and kissing him. "I missed you, Floyd."
"I missed you too, baby," murmured Deadshot. "You used to do some crazy things in the bedroom, and I really missed that."
"Well, you won't have to for much longer," Harley murmured, grinning. "But it was kinda tactless of you, baby, to just show up on my doorstep like that and tell Mr. J about us. I got kinda a good gig going on there, and I don't need to break his illusions about me."
"What is he, stupid?" laughed Deadshot. "He's gotta know a girl as hot as you could never have been with just one man. He's gotta know that that obsessively loyal love thing is all an act. Nobody's crazy enough to love somebody like that, especially somebody like the Joker."
"Oh, he's got his good points," purred Harley. "But frankly, I have been missing my bad assassin. I mean, you know me, baby – I get antsy if I can't have multiple guys at a time."
"That's never been a problem for me, baby – you know I don't care how many other guys you do," said Deadshot. "Remember when we went out shopping and we didn't have any money and you paid for those groceries by doing the cashier? That was completely psychotic, and awesome."
"And fun," agreed Harley. "Well, what's the point in being psychotic if I can't just sleep with anyone I want, whenever I want? That's the thing about being a strong, independent female character instead of a submissive, abused doormat. That's what Red always used to tell me too."
"Red?" asked Deadshot. "One of your other guys?"
"Girls, actually," said Harley, grinning. "I do them too now, y'know."
"Oh baby, I'd love to see that!" gasped Deadshot.
"Maybe I'll let you watch next time we hook up," purred Harley. "Would you like that, baby? I wanna do anything men like, because displaying myself for them makes me feel powerful and strong."
She removed her harlequin hat to reveal her usual blonde hair dyed red and blue, and then grinned as she unzipped her usual red and black catsuit to reveal very short shorts, and a corset that left little to the imagination. Joker wondered for a moment how that even stayed up, but that was a very minor one of the many things that didn't make sense to him at the moment. He was too stunned to do or say anything – as much as he wanted to go in there and kill them both, his body wouldn't obey him. It was like he was stuck in some horrible nightmare…
"You know I do like a bad boy," Harley murmured, approaching Deadshot. "Any bad boy, as long as he'll treat me bad and rough. I'm not picky."
"I know you ain't," growled Deadshot, kissing her. "And apparently it doesn't even need to be a boy."
Harley grinned. "Red!" she called, turning to the door. "C'mon in here and meet a very, very good friend of mine."
To Joker's astonishment, Ivy shoved past him, opening the door and entering the room. "Hi, stud," Ivy purred, grinning at Deadshot. "Hi, Harley," she murmured, kissing her fully on the mouth.
"Oh wow, that's hot!" gasped Deadshot. "Does the clown know about you two? I hope you let him watch!"
"He don't know," purred Harley, nuzzling Ivy's cheek. "He's too blind to see anything that's going on under his nose. He thinks we're just friends, but why be friends when you can be friends with benefits?"
Harley and Ivy kissed again, and Deadshot began to eagerly strip off his clothing. "Oh, he is impressive," murmured Ivy. "A lot more muscular than the clown."
"A lot bigger too, if you know what I'm saying," giggled Harley. "The biggest guy I've had, and I've had a lot. There's just something really thrilling in sleeping with random men, especially when you know it's wrong. And being a bad, crazy girl, I gotta be up for sleeping with all bad, crazy men. That's just what we strong, independent female characters do – use our sexuality to our advantage. We don't really have a choice in the matter."
"Mmm, and she is good at using her sexuality to her advantage," murmured Deadshot, grinning at Harley. "Like when we were hooking up in college."
"Oh yeah, my medical degree!" giggled Harley. "Don't tell Mr. J, Red, but I ain't a real doctor. I mean, I got the degree, but not by studying. Smart girls don't have to study when we got other skills."
"And you most certainly do have other skills," murmured Crane, who also entered the room at that moment, smiling at Harley.
She smiled back. "Hi, Professor," she purred. "I can never thank you enough for all the A's you gave me on those papers."
"I can never thank you enough for everything you did to me to get them," replied Crane with a grin. "Especially what you did to me to make me write your recommendation to Arkham. You were so good to me it's really the least I could do."
"And then once I got to Arkham, I played Mr. J like a violin," giggled Harley. "He thinks he seduced me, a poor, innocent little virgin, but in reality, I was manipulating him the whole time. I'm used to doing that with guys. And this way, I got everything I want. I'm using Mr. J's fame and popularity to increase my own, and when I get just as famous and popular as him, I'll dump him like a ton of bricks and strike off on my own, and I'll have any man or woman I want whenever I want. I'll be strong and independent without that useless clown, and I won't have to play his abused little victim no more."
She giggled again, pulling out something from the pockets of her shorts. "So…who wants to be Mr. J for our orgy?" she asked, holding up what appeared to be a mask of skin resembling the Joker's face. "It's gotta be the most masochistic of us, since we all hate him, and we can treat the person with his face however bad we want. Hit him, kick him, spit on him, I'll leave it to your imaginations – I know you all got good ones!" she giggled.
"I'll do it, baby," said Deadshot, and Harley placed the skin mask over his face, kissing him passionately.
"Good boy, Floyd," she whispered. "Now take me, all of you, as if Mr. J was watching," she murmured, her eyes flicking to the keyhole of the door and grinning.
They all three approached her as Deadshot lifted her up, slamming her against the wall. "This reminds me of a joke about a clown car…" gasped Harley, shutting her eyes, and that was when the Joker snapped.
"NOOOOOOO!" he roared, kicking open the door and bursting into the room. "No, you'll all pay for this! Nobody makes a fool outta…the…Joker…"
He trailed off, as the scene before him was not the scene he had seen through the keyhole at all. Deadshot was a bloody pulp screaming on the ground as Harley, dressed in her usual black and red catsuit, beat him repeatedly with her hammer. Crane and Ivy were still standing behind Joker in the doorway, staring in astonishment at Harley's violence.
"How dare you?!" she shrieked as she continued to beat Deadshot. "How dare you show up at my place and accuse me of crap I've never done and make my boyfriend insecure in our relationship?! How dare you make him question my character, my character who has never been anything but loving and loyal to him from the first moment I saw him! How dare you make him think I'm some kinda manipulative whore who's only with him for his fame?! How dare you even make him question our relationship?! I've worked so hard for years trying to prove my unconditional love for him and only him, and you think you can just waltz in here and ruin everything by slandering me like that?! Get this, pal! Harley Quinn is a one-man loon! Always has been and always will be! And no stupid man with his stupid theories about me as a character is gonna ruin that! Mr. J knows the truth, and so does everyone out there with half a brain! I ain't no strong, independent woman! I'm the Joker's Harley Quinn! So just get that through your thick skull!"
She hit him again for good measure, and then grabbed him by the hair, holding a knife to his eye. "Now before I make sure you can't be the World's Greatest Assassin no more with no depth perception, tell me! Who sent you, and why?"
"Waller!" gasped Deadshot. "Amanda Waller! She wanted the Joker to kick you out so you'd have nothing left to live for and join the Suicide Squad! I didn't have a choice – she has a bomb in my brain! Please…don't hurt me anymore!"
Harley dropped him to the ground. "Oh, I won't, pal," she hissed. "But my boyfriend just might."
She turned to face Joker, who was staring at her, stunned. "What are you doing here, Mr. J?" she demanded. "Didn't I tell you I could handle this alone?! Didn't you trust me?!"
"I…just…was…Harley?" he repeated, staring around in confusion.
"That's my name," retorted Harley. "You feeling ok, Mr. J?"
"I just saw…something weird," he said, rubbing his eyes. "Something…unreal, but it sure looked real…"
He turned to Crane and Ivy. "You…and Harley…ain't together, are ya?" he asked slowly, pointing at Ivy.
Ivy glared at him. "God, you are such a typical man!" she hissed. "Two attractive women can't be friends without being lesbians, is that it?! Women aren't here to be wish fulfillment to you, J, as much as I know all men get off on that kinda thing! I hate to disappoint you, but we don't exist just to pleasure men! We have our own platonic friendship which doesn't need your approval!"
"Ok, it was just a question!" snapped Joker. "Get off your high-horse, Pammie! You can't blame me for thinking that a gal who hates men as much as you do might swing a different way, especially considering how close you and Harley are!"
"You mean like how close you and Batman are?" demanded Ivy. "Don't judge me by your own disgusting standards, you freak! I can hate men and still appreciate their equipment – that's standard feminist practice!"
"And you…and Harley…didn't have a thing in college?" asked Joker, turning his attention to Crane.
"God, no!" exclaimed Crane. "I was her teacher! It would have been completely unprofessional, and I'm not that type of man, much as the…idea might have…appealed to me. Or not," he added, hastily.
"And I ain't that kinda gal!" snapped Harley, angrily. "You honestly think I couldn't pass college on my own merits, Mr. J?! You actually think I had to sleep with my teachers to get my degree?!"
"No, it was just…a vision thing…" stammered Joker, and then the realization clicked. "Oh, the fear gas!" he exclaimed, pointing at Crane's glove. "That's right – you shot a bunch in my face!"
"I thought it didn't have any effect on you," said Crane, puzzled.
"Well, clearly this batch does," retorted Joker. "Changed the formula, huh?"
"No…" began Crane.
"Yep, changed the formula," said Joker, firmly. "Well, that's a relief! It was a scary couple of minutes…"
"Maybe you just finally have something that you're actually afraid of," commented Crane. "Losing Harley," he said, nodding at her.
"Really?" squeaked Harley, hopefully. "You're afraid of that, Mr. J? I mean, it's silly for you to be afraid of that, as it's never gonna happen, and frankly it's a little insulting, but it means you do care!"
"No," snapped Joker. "No, we don't have any proof of that! I think you just made a funny batch, Crane! That's my theory, and I'm sticking with it! But it was awful, pooh – you were dressed in this really revealing blue and red ensemble…like some sorta…Superhooker."
"Sounds terrifying, puddin'," said Harley, sympathetically. "But don't you worry. It was just a hallucination. I'm the real Harley, and I ain't going nowhere," she said, kissing him.
Joker didn't want to admit to himself how much this actually relieved him, but he pinched Harley's cheek fondly. "Now what are we gonna do with this pathetic excuse for a man, puddin'?" she asked, gesturing down at Deadshot.
Joker grinned cruelly at him. "Oh, I got a few ideas, pooh!" he chuckled, cracking his knuckles.
"We'd better go," said Ivy. "Leave you to it. I'm just glad you're safe, Harley," she said, hugging her.
"Sure you don't wanna join in the fun, Red?" asked Harley. "You and Johnny are welcome."
"No, they're not!" snapped Joker. "They're not welcome to join in any fun, not after that hallucination – it's our private fun, not theirs!"
"O…K," said Ivy, slowly. "I think we both have…things to do anyway."
"What do you think your gas did to him?" muttered Ivy as she and Crane left, closing the door on Joker and Harley and the unfortunate Deadshot.
"God only knows," replied Crane. "He should just be grateful it was all just a hallucination. Can you imagine if it was real? Some sort of Harley-Joker-Deadshot love triangle? Harley dressing in ridiculous clothing and acting completely against character? Sounds like a nightmare."
"Sounds like the stupidest thing I've ever heard," retorted Ivy. "Honestly, who could ever take that seriously?"
