Miko: Does this help? I only have one more chapter to post. It isn't done, but it should be easy. Also, you have to have read Fighting Fate to know what Raito is talking about when refering to murderous Matt.
Murder
L's PoV
My mind was in a turmoil for the rest of the day. Raito must have known because he didn't mention the book as we finished out work. Instead it sat on the couch, abandoned but not forgotten by anyone. When I sent Raito to bed – I knew I wouldn't sleep – I just looked at the black, seemingly harmless, book. A few hours later, Raito walked out and handed me a glass of tea. I drained it in one gulp, blindly trusting the auburn haired boy. As the liquid slid down my throat, I knew it wasn't my tea. Or rather, it wasn't only my tea. I tasted some kind of herb mixed in. Raito's look was pitying as he caught me before I hit the ground. My dreams were not pleasant.
I looked up at Raito with horror; an emotion I hoped would never apply to him. I gave up fighting; I could never hurt him anyway. I loved him too much. He sneered down at me, the most unattractive twisting of his lips and contorting of his eyes.
"I underestimated you, Raito." I said sadly, looking into eyes I didn't recognize anymore. He didn't hesitate as he lunged forward and dragged me up by my hair. I refused to give him the satisfaction of hearing me scream as he pulled me across the floor.
"If I cannot be the only one in your life, there will be no one in your life." I don't think I felt the knife bury itself in my flesh. I certainly didn't feel the kiss Raito placed on my lips. My whole world was turning black, and all I could feel was numbness starting from my chest. I knew what it felt like to be betrayed, then. It felt like a heart attack. It felt like every emotion was draining away to be replaced by a horrible nothing. Not even pain could penetrate that emptiness I saw looking at the man I loved.
"I…I love you, Raito-kun." I whispered, or hope I did. I couldn't hear anything either. Before slipping into the oblivion, I saw Raito's sneer, and his cold laughter. And I hurried towards the dark, because I couldn't bear my Light.
I woke with a gasp and a sob. Raito was asleep beside me and I buried my head on his chest. His arm pulled me closer while the other brushed my hair. He held me while I regained control of myself.
"I'm sorry, L." He said. "I knew you would just sit there and torture yourself, though. And…I don't want to see you unhappy." I pushed myself up and looked at him.
"I understand Raito-kun's logic." I mumbled, still hurt that he would betray my trust in him, even if it was for my own good. "But I would rather have been awake." My thoughts turned back towards the dream which echoed a scene from my past that I never wanted to repeat. For so long that scene had replayed in my head over and over. Only it wasn't Raito holding the knife, and I wasn't the victim.
"Did…Did B hurt you?" Raito made no move to pull me close as I drew my knees to my chest and sat on the edge of the bed. I didn't look at him.
"Not physically." I said finally. "But I wish he had. Because then I could have healed. There's too much about me Raito-kun does not know. And I want to tell him – you. I want to tell you, but I can't yet. Soon, though. Soon Raito-kun will understand everything. One way or another." I saw the book lying on my bed stand and reached for it. Raito was quicker, though. I wanted to fight him. I wanted to tear the book from his hands but I knew I wouldn't have the strength to read the entry that I knew was to come.
January 1986
I have done something horrible. I have to leave Wammy's now, but I have to write this first. My hands are clean now, but they were stained with blood only minutes before. How is it that his blood is red like mine? It should have been gold. Or mine should have been black. I hate myself. I will never be able to erase the image of him lying on that table, drenched in that horrible blood.
L didn't come. I stood by the door, one hand holding the chloroform soaked cloth to press to L's mouth and nose as soon as he walked in. It was reflex that made me grab the boy who walked through the door. I didn't pause to take in that his hair was auburn instead of black. But as my eyes met blue ones, I dropped the cloth. He wasn't unconscious but he was dazed.
"B…B…" His voice was weak. I could see the fear and the condemnation in his eyes. He was too smart not to know what I had been planning. "Wh…?" I smirked, cruely. I never wanted to look like that at A. My beautiful angel. He whimpered as I dragged him by his hair across the room but he didn't scream and he didn't fight. I wish he would have. I wish he was stronger than me, because then he wouldn't be dead now.
"H…how could you, BB?" He asked, looking at me through hooded eyes.
"If I cannot be the only one in your life, there will be no one in your life." That was the answer I gave him. It was true. He knew it was true. I realized then that he hadn't been blind to my jealousy for those years. My hand moved on its own, plunging the knife I held into A's chest. His mouth formed an 'O' and the slightest sigh escaped his lips, but no whimper of pain and no gasp.
"I…I love you, B." He said softly, body going slack. I looked at my hands in horror. They were covered in innocent blood. I raised them to my face. Suddenly, I wanted to see more. I needed to see more. Whoever you are reading this, know that I didn't mean to dissect A. I didn't mean to cut him open and revel in the blood. The memory of it, even now, makes me shake with delight. Who knew that the human anatomy was so beautiful and perfect.
No. I won't let myself think about it. Because all I have to do is close my eyes and see A lying dead on the table, insides exposed and blood dripping to the floor. I know, as sure as I do that I will get revenge on L, that I will never escape that image for as long as I live. And I hate L. Because he knew my plan and he sent in A. It was my hand with the knife, but I was L's puppet. When I looked up from my murder, I saw L watching at the open door, a hideous grin on his face. I saw him laugh as he walked away, shoulders shaking in his effort to control the huge bursts of laughter. He has no idea the monster he created. I will make sure he never forgets me. I swear on my soul.'
Raito's PoV
L was breathing in gasps and broken sobs. He made no effort to hide the torture this was to him. I understood why he had hidden this part of his past from me. But I also knew that he was innocent of the crime he was accused. L would never send someone to their death…would he?
I had to examine the argument logically. He solved cases and sent criminals to die. But he had cared about A. Or…no. He said they were never close. He said he didn't care one way or the other. But that didn't mean he would kill the boy. No. I was being stupid.
"L." I reached to put a hand on his shoulder but he stood, still facing away from me.
"I believe Matt and Mello are here now." Sure enough, the blonde and red head burst through the door at that moment. I had never seen Matt look so murderous, even when he tackled me before I killed Mello. But this time his attention was on L. I moved quickly, standing between the gamer and my boyfriend.
"So now that we're all here, I can explain what really happened. The story had to come out eventually." L turned to look at us, face stained with tears. That made Matt hesitate. I wanted to hold L, to tell him everything was okay now, but I knew he wasn't ready for that. Instead, I sat on the bed, and Mello and Matt did the same.
"This is what really happened…"
