The Chopsticks Paradox
"I'm going to have you looking absolutely gorgeous," Penny promised. "You are going to floor this Howard guy."
Emile,
looking at the various hair-styling tools Penny had scattered about
the coffee table in front of her television, whimpered. "Those look
painful."
"They would to you. You wear your hair in pigtails
every day. That's not how you're wearing your hair tonight."
"What
are THOSE?"
"Your contacts. I found them in your baggage last
night while you were asleep."
"That's
slightly creepy."
"Believe it or not, I'm not the only
person who's gone through your luggage."
Penny forced Emile to sit down in one of her barstools. As Emile sat, Penny yanked out her twin ponytails with a smile and handed her a magazine of hairstyles.
"How do you want your hair?"
Emile looked at the pictures, increasingly horrified. "These cuts are – are - !"
Penny flipped to a few pages later. Emile sighed in relief. "Those are better."
"Uh-huh. But actually, your hair would look good down."
Emile paused. "Can I borrow some of your clothes, Penny?"
Penny smirked. "I wouldn't have let you out in your own."
-o-
"I need help."
"Admitting you have a problem is the first step to solving it."
"Thanks for the vote of confidence, Raj, but I need a different kind of help."
Sheldon, Leonard, and Raj looked up from their intense Halo game in interest. Howard was standing in their doorway, looking pale and otherwise frightened.
"Why, what's going on?" Leonard asked.
"I'm going on a date tonight," Howard responded.
"Oh." Leonard returned to the screen before doing a double-take. "WHAT?!"
"Once again, thanks for the vote of confidence," Howard said.
"Who?!" Leonard half-screeched.
"A girl in the Biology lab –"
"Don't tell me it's Emile." Leonard paused the game and sank back into the couch, defeated. "Please don't say it's Emile."
"It's Emile."
"What's wrong with that?" Raj asked.
"I don't see any problem with you dating my cousin," Sheldon reassured Howard. Howard turned even whiter.
"Your cousin," Howard repeated. "The psychopathic insane one."
"That explains why Penny was asking about how many Howards worked at CalTech…" Sheldon muttered to himself. "And she is not nearly as insane as Leonard makes her out to be. She's no worse than me."
"That's not reassuring," Howard muttered to himself.
"So none of us can date your sister, but your cousin is totally up for grabs?" Leonard screeched at him. Sheldon glared at Leonard.
"Emile only has a limited amount of my genetics. She can bandy them around as she pleases," Sheldon responded. "Can we restart this game?"
"No we cannot!" Leonard cried. "Howard, why?!"
Howard looked from Sheldon to Leonard to Raj to Leonard again. "…Ah. She's your ex-girlfriend."
"That has nothing to do with it!" Leonard yelled.
Raj looked around nervously, pretending that his two best friends weren't having a heated, rather one-sided argument.
"…Oh, were you trying to win her back?" Howard asked, no hint of anger in his voice. "I can still call it off –"
"There's no way in HELL I'd want her back!" Leonard sighed. "…Please, PLEASE don't insult her."
"Why would I insult her?"
"I don't know, just try not to piss her off!"
Sheldon sighed. "Your tolerance for pain is ridiculously low." Leonard glared at him.
Howard blinked. "…What should I wear?"
Raj eyed Howard. "Where are you going?"
"The Chinese place."
"Casual?"
"You could just wear that," Sheldon pointed at what he had on, a red turtleneck with black jeans.
"Or
something like it," Raj shrugged, "if that's covered in metal
filings or what-not."
"I'm going to go home," Howard said
after a pause. And he left.
Raj glanced at Sheldon. "When were you going to tell us your cousin's name?"
"It didn't seem relevant at the time," Sheldon replied.
Raj started the game back up. "So should we have Penny play -?"
"NO," Sheldon said forcefully.
-o-
Emile sat outside of the Szechuan Palace, arms crossed over the ridiculous attire Penny had shoved her into. Seriously – a purple tube top with a blue jacket? What the hell?! Emile seriously considered leaving at that moment. She glanced at her watch. Why did she come ten minutes early? This whole thing was crashing about her ears, crashing with no hope of returning to normalcy, she should just leave, but that would mean blowing Howard off, and that would be just as bad as being stuck in this awful tube top, God knew she didn't have any cleavage to show off anyway –
"Hello."
Emile screamed and jumped a few feet in the air. Breathing heavily, she turned around, putting a piece of hair behind her ear. She hated having her hair down. It was too much hassle. And now Howard was here. Great. This was going terribly already.
"…Howard?" Emile questioned.
"So you're Emile," Howard responded.
Emile nodded, turning pink. Howard was too cute. Most people wouldn't think so. But still. Tall and awkward and gangly was her type.
Howard looked her over. Emile flinched. Great. The outfit from Hell was going to kill it.
"…Not to sound rude…"
Shit.
"…but you're really hot."
Emile gaped at him. Howard's turn to flinch.
"Is this where you smack me and walk away?" Howard asked nervously.
"You like this outfit?"
Howard glanced around awkwardly. "…Yes?"
"…My friend picked it out," Emile explained quickly. "I kind of… I don't know, thought it was kind of… slutty."
"I don't mind," Howard responded.
Emile frowned before laughing. She had every reason to hit him now, but for some reason, she found his perversion slightly charming. Emile resolved to get a CAT scan in the morning.
Howard blinked. "…What's so funny?"
"What you just said…" Emile admitted. "I've never met anyone so blunt. Or so blatantly perverted."
"…And you aren't mad?" Howard questioned, recalling that Leonard had called Emile psychotic on many occasions. Maybe he was seeing why.
"Do I look like it?"
Howard couldn't help but smile. "What are we doing out here? Come on, let's get something to eat."
"But it's so much fun out in the cold…"
"…You are definitely related to Sheldon."
As the two walked inside, Emile did a double-take. "You know Sheldon?"
"Unfortunately."
-o-
Emile had basically laughed herself sick at dinner. Howard was a pervert, that couldn't be ignored, but he was so brazen that Emile had to laugh at it. Needless to say, Howard was floored by Emile's sheer indifference to his various comments. There was definitely something in the air above them as they ate. It couldn't be called love, because that typically meant the two partners could accept each other, flaws and all. That wasn't happening with these two.
"You can't use chopsticks," Howard repeated.
"I'm from Texas. We don't use chopsticks in Texas, no matter what kind of cuisine you're eating," Emile protested.
"You're mashing up the food."
"I'm trying, but this is… God, I'm just trying to do this correctly."
"That's what she said."
Emile glared at him. For a second, Howard thought she was going to impale him with her chopsticks, but instead she just tried harder to use them. She managed to pick up some rice correctly, and was so shocked she promptly dropped the rice back onto the plate.
"…That was better," Howard offered.
Emile rolled her eyes and reached for her fork. "I'm sorry; I'm just not capable of using chopsticks, Howard."
"Let me get this straight. You can memorize hundreds of pages of DNA coding –"
"Not hundreds, I'm not crazy –"
" – yet you cannot learn how to use chopsticks?"
Emile frowned. "Fine." Emile picked up the chopsticks once more, struggling to figure out how they should work. Howard frowned as well, putting his hand on hers in an attempt to fix her grip.
"Not like that, like this…"
Emile turned bright red. Howard noticed and smirked awkwardly, going pink.
"What? No off-color comment?" Emile murmured.
"…There's really no need for one, is there?" Howard replied.
Emile turned crimson. She moved her fingers around on the chopsticks and, as Howard moved his hand, was able to get some rice on it. Smirking, she ate it.
Howard shrugged. "Not so hard, is it?"
"Not really."
There was definitely something. Neither of the hapless nerds could put their finger on it, but it was there.
-o-
Leonard banged on Penny's door. "Penny! Penny! PENN –"
She opened the door angrily. "Leonard, much as I like you, I have to let you know that screaming my name in the hallway and pounding on the door is really annoying."
"We have a problem," Leonard said, ignoring her angry tirade. "Emile went on a date tonight."
"I know, I helped her get ready for it," Penny said. "What's the big deal?"
"She's with Howard."
Penny gaped at Leonard. "No she isn't."
"Yes she is."
"Oh my God, I think I dressed her like a slut."
Leonard was shaking. "This is bad, very bad…"
"It's terrible," Penny agreed. "He'll do something to her, I know it…"
"Him? I'm more worried about what she'll do to him."
A pause. Penny looked behind her. Clothes were strewn everywhere, from her earlier endeavor to dress Emile appropriately. Penny wondered why she even bothered. Of all the Howards Sheldon rattled off earlier…
Sheldon.
"Sheldon will stop –" Penny began.
"That's the best part. He doesn't care," Leonard interrupted.
Penny gaped at him. "Sheldon doesn't care."
"Nope. He says that Emile only has a limited amount of his genetics, being his cousin, and refuses to get involved."
"Why does he do this?"
"Because he's a pain in the ass."
Penny and Leonard looked at each other, a bit frightened.
"I'm going to try and figure out what to do," Penny murmured.
"Me too."
The two returned to their respective apartments, musing.
A/N: Things have wiped me out as of late, and I haven't been writing as much. 'Things' actually refers to only two things: school and choir. I am so tired by the weekend that I just collapse into bed at night and wake up drained the next morning. Thankfully, there are many chapters I've already written for this story, so expect to see faithful updates until my brain explodes and there's nothing left of it.
Nice mental image.
DISCLAIMER: I don't own BBT. At all. Emile is my original OC, etc.
