Hi All,
Thanks for the continued support. I'm sorry there has been such a delay - I was camping with no electrics, no wifi and all the kids, thus no time for writing or posting. This is all I have written so far, but I will try and get more done soon.
Please review, I know I beg, but it truly motivates me like you wouldn't believe. And I need motivation with nothing else written...
Tab:-)
Chapter Seven
When I wake up the next day it is a beautiful autumnal day. Joey and I are still lying on the swing bed - the word seat doesn't really do it justice. The sun creeps into the sky to one side of us but the fact that the sunrise is not head on doesn't reduce the beauty of the scene before us. Joey dozes on, her head against my chest, as I watch the sky burn red, orange, yellow and even pink and purple. The haze of cloud looks like a magical blanket that still clings to the mountains in their slumber. I feel tired, exhausted really, and not in a particularly good way, but I realize that I'm happy, happier than I have ever been before and despite the fatigue I'm in the mood for some loving. Joey is the most perfect girl in the world for me. She isn't perfect, but she doesn't have to be. I love her so entirely. I run a finger down the smooth silk of her skin and thank my lucky stars she found me, that she's Jack's friend and that Jack and I had the good fortune to be roomed together in the first year of premed.
Joey eventually awakens and I sweet talk her into getting naked, into getting me naked and then her sliding on top of me - I have a good way with words when it comes to parting Joey from her clothing. We spend a good couple of hours lounging outside naked. It's not even like we have sex the whole time, I'm just not up to it, but we do lie together, skin on skin, chatting and laughing, I'm not even sure about what, but we both seem to find ourselves very amusing, teasing and joking, making fun of ourselves and each other. Joey makes us scrambled egg for breakfast and she takes me on a short hike to see Red Canyon. The whole experience of being away with her, of having a space that is neutral without work to be done is lovely and it makes me determined for us to have a good long vacation one day. Of course I have to get better first and that is going to be an epic battle.
We muck about that evening, reading and making out in the large master bedroom. We watch a movie and I fall asleep with my head on Joey's chest, the gentle rhythm of her breathing lulling me off.
We head back to Lost Lake the following day after an early morning hike and sex. I find that I want Joey all the time, that I have a huge sex drive. I think that the knowledge that once the next phase of my treatment begins my sex drive will dive has me keen to take advantage of this brief spell of respite. I want her constantly and don't hesitate to make it known, and to take advantage of how much she seems to want me. We are touching almost constantly and it still isn't enough.
'I love you,' I tell her a thousand times a day, each time she bites her bottom lip or rolls her eyes, or wrinkles her nose. She let's me brush her hair and attempt to plait it and I can't help but wonder whether I might one day have a daughter with this girl, a daughter who's hair I can braid or pull into bunches. Before this cancer I hadn't considered kids one way or another, but I'm in love Joey, and I didn't hesitate to preserve my chance to have children with her one day, even if we had only known each to her a week when I did so.
I feel a sense of relief, of home coming, when we get back to Lost Lake and to Fido who I think actually missed me. I take him for a ride even though I'm tired and come home to warm butternut squash soup that Joey has made. Apparently she's been practicing her cooking. I find this oddly touching and slightly flattering, so obviously I press her against the kitchen counter and fuck her. I can barely stand when we're done but Joey just laughs at me claiming I did all the work. She sits me out on the porch where the air is cool and brings me out a cup of soup and a hunk of the bread we bought on our way home. Life could so easily be perfect.
I wake up with the knowledge that today we're leaving Colorado and that our relationship is about to face new tests. Joey is curled up into me, her naked form nestled rather perfectly against my naked self. I want to have sex with her. My body wants to and my head wants to, but we have to go. The flight is early and there's a couple of last minute things to take care of that we didn't do yesterday - like the garbage. Jack's picking us up in an hour which is not enough time. My eyes drift over her body, her legs slightly parted. The sight is enough to make my hand run down her side, over her stomach and between her legs, one finger teasing as my thumb finds her clit. She's so wet, so quickly, that I roll her over, and am on top of her and guiding myself into her in seconds. Her hands scratch at my back and her eyes open, her legs wrapping around me and pulling me in deeper each time. She kisses me, and then her head lolls back, as I angle myself to ensure I'm rubbing against her clit with each movement. When she gives her tell tale moan, and her feet dig into my ass I stop holding back and we both come together, which is always the best kind of orgasm.
'We so didn't have time for that,' she murmurs into my ear, her legs still holding me inside of her.
'I'm not sure when I'll be well enough for that again,' I say and she gives me a sultry look.
'You're very, very good at sex, but that isn't actually all I'm with you for,' she kisses my nose.
'You think so?' wow, but the guy in me just came out. She giggles,
'Well yeah. The fact that I want to do it so often should answer that.'
'That wears off,' I say and she nods,
'I'm sure. But I'll always know that when we are in the mood, or able or whatever, you are fantastic at it.'
'You're not so bad yourself.'
'At first I was a little insecure, worried about how good I was or wasn't, but then I decided to let you lead and see what I liked and what i didn't. I liked pretty much everything. You remember that morning in bed?'
'I think about that morning an awful lot. Well I did when we weren't together.'
'So you see, I have lots to think about. If you can't do it, don't want to and I do - well I have a hand.'
'Thats a turn on,' I say feeling myself get hard, which is convenient because I'm still inside of her. She obviously feels it to because she giggles and lifts her hips against mine.
'We'll miss the flight,' she says but I just move on top of her,
'I can be quick. Please?'
'I'm hardly going to say no,' she says and rolls us over so she's on top. I fucking love her on top.
Rather embarrassingly Jack interrupts us. Luckily he doesn't actually see anything, just barges in the front door and begins calling us, which results in much scrambling around on our behalf. Jack looks positively gleeful about it all because it was blatantly obvious. Whilst he and Jen are happy that Joey loves me, that I love her, they are less than gleeful about the loss of Joey for the next couple of months. I don't really care though. Jack is in Boston next month on a conference and we'll be back in Colorado before too long.
The ride to the airport is nice. I sit up front with Jack and Joey sits in the back - her choice, though I know she's giving Jack time with me - she's good like that. The flight to Boston is fun because I get to see Joey out of her territory, out of her little patch of paradise. I must look like the cat that got the cream because I keep grinning at her. She looks a little less lucky given my obvious lack of health, but she actually wears the same look as me, as we sit with our hands entwined, her head resting on my shoulder, even as we play cards. I accuse her of cheating but she just laughs.
Doug and Gretchen meet as at the airport, Doug giving first me and then Joey a huge hug. Gretchen appraises my girlfriend, as if assessing her for worth - I know Gretchen is protective but it irritates me a lot. However, it doesn't seem to phase Joey who holds my hand tightly.
'How was the flight?' she asks and Joey shrugs a little, surprisingly shy or maybe not so surprising given Gretchen's slightly acidic glare,
'It was ok. Not too long. We played cards.'
'Yeah, Pacey mentioned that you've gotten him into cards,' Gretchen gives her a look.
'I like cards,' Joey says and shifts a little closer to me.
'Our niece is big into your books,' Gretchen says as we head to the car.
'She knows that,' Doug punches Gretchen lightly in her shoulder.
'She doesn't know that Hannah is planning on getting her to sign every single book and hit her up for info on what happens next,' Gretchen glares at him.
'She is?' I laugh and Gretchen shoots a look at us - Joey is grinning as well,
'I don't know what's going to happen after the book that's with my publisher so she won't get very far. She will have one of the advance copies of the next book though,' Joey says and Gretchen stares some more, and so do I, 'I emailed her address to the publisher when I sent the final copy in.'
'That was nice of you,' I say warmed by this act of kindness and she presses a kiss to my cheek,
'She's your niece. Hopefully it won't make her feel less special to know my sister gets a copy too.'
'We don't need to tell her that,' I tease and Joey wraps her arm around my waist. I understand this need she has to be close. I'm feeling it too because Doug isn't dropping me at home, but into the hospital. I asked Joey if she would stay with me in my apartment and she said yes which was a huge development for me. Ever since leaving college I've enjoyed having my own space. I don't want my own space when it comes to Joey.
'Where are you staying whilst you're here?' Gretchen asks Joey.
'Well I have a place, just a one bedroom apartment,' Joey begins.
'She's staying at mine, I asked her too. Even though I may not be there for a lot of the time.'
'Well we'll be close to each other then,' Gretchen says but she doesn't act pleased. I realize she's still testing Joey, though I'm not sure for what.
'I like the thought of knowing she's at home,' I say and Joey smiles at me.
'And what will you do whilst you're here?' Gretchen frowns and asks it like she can't imagine how Joey will spend her time. Joey seems to find some resolve because she rolls her eyes,
'Well, spend time with your brother, write, I guess do a little publicity for my book. I'm here because I want to be with Pacey.'
'Good,' Gretchen seems to have got whatever it was she wanted, though she still isn't warm.
'Gretch, I don't expect Joey's life to become my life you know. I don't want it to either. I want her to go for walks even when I can't, or swim, or go out for coffee, make friends,' both girls stare at me.
'I'm pretty easy Pace,' Joey says and then flushes at the implication. I laugh,
'No need to announce it,' I tease and her blush deepens.
'Gretch cut it out,' Doug says wrapping an arm around me and one around Joey. 'I don't think Pacey would ever forgive you if you scared Joey off.'
'I'm not exactly easily scared,' Joey mutters still embarrassed.
'And I'm planning to introduce her to mom and dad,' I say, 'so that's a good thing.'
'Wow, has he told you about mom and dad?' Gretchen arches her brows and Joey nods,
'Enough,' she nods.
'And you're still up for meeting them?'
'My dad's been in the state penitentiary for the last ten years. If we want to have a scary dad contest then I'm a serious contender,' she gives Gretchen and Doug a look, this time she's more defiant. Both of them laugh and then cover their mouths,
'Sorry, just the thought of dad's reaction to that...' Doug explains.
'Oh I'm not worried about that,' Joey shrugs easily. 'I've had that reaction my whole life.'
'You don't exactly scream convicts child,' Gretchen says.
'Not at the top of my lungs, no,' Joey slips into the backseat of the car beside me. Gretchen, in the passenger seat angles round to look at us.
'Sorry, that's not what I meant.'
'What you meant was rude,' I say though I remember being surprised as well, at how whole Joey is.
'I know what you meant. The truth is until I met Pacey I ran from having a guy in my life. Truth is its never been easy like it is with Pace.'
'This situation is anything but easy,' I tease and she rolls her eyes - I've lost count of how many times she's done that since the plane landed,
'No,' she says, 'but you and I together is easy.'
'True,' I acknowledge and press a kiss to her neck.
'So what about your sister?' Gretchen asks. 'What's she think about your new boyfriend?'
'Bessie likes him. She likes him more now he's not keeping me at arms length.'
'She claimed my cancer made our romance unconventional,' I say, 'I kind of like thinking of it like that.'
'So you have no mom and no dad?' Gretchen, my sister, subtle as a sledge hammer.
'Well I have a dad,' Joey rolls her eyes yet again. 'I took Pace to meet him. They seemed to get along. Well better than I do with him.'
'You met the old man?' Gretchen arches her brows at me.
'Well really Bodie is the guy that matters but I figured Pacey aught to see what a weak bastard my actual father is,' Joey looks out of the window and it looks like my sisters incessant questioning is beginning to take it's toll.
'What did he do Joey?' Doug asks it, and I see his eyes looking at her in the rear view mirror.
'Drugs mostly,' she says, 'burnt down our family business with me inside. He's a charmer,' she snakes a hand across and takes mine. 'It was all a long time a go. I'm not actually that bothered by it anymore, but Pacey says he loves me, therefore he gets to meet the guy.'
'I do love you,' I say and she gives me the smallest wink. It's enough to set my heart racing, and a throb of desire to shoot straight between my legs.
'And Bodie is your sisters boyfriend?'
'Yeah. They have two kids together.'
'Pacey hasn't stopped going on about your place,' Gretchen says, 'neither has Doug for that matter.'
'Did he tell you about Fido?' Joey smirks.
'You have a dog?' Gretchen asks and Joey laughs and shakes her head no.
'No, Pacey's new horse.'
'You named your horse Fido?' Gretchen shakes her head but Doug laughs, after all he probably knows all about it from Jack. 'He said you were building him a stable. Did you actually ride the horse?' she turns to me and I give her a mocking glare,
'Of course I rode the horse,' I say. 'I love the damn horse.'
'You're going to move to Colorado aren't you,' Gretchen shakes her head in sorrow.
'Yeah, when I can,' I say and wrinkle my nose, 'I'm pretty sure Dougy will be moving there too.'
'Ugh, curse Colorado and it's nice, good looking inhabitants.'
'Aaah, yes, what we folk from Colorado are famous for - being nice and good looking,' Joey gives a sniff of mock pride and Gretchen laughs. I think they might just have connected.
'There's a good looking builder there by the name of Ned. Just your type,' I say.
'Ned's not good looking,' Joey frowns.
'Objectively speaking he is, though I'm thrilled that you can't see it,' I squeeze her hand.
'I don't need my brother to match make me.'
'Just saying that when you come to visit, I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.'
'Just don't come in winter unless you like to ski or snowboard,' Joey says and Gretchen's eyes light up.
'Well now you're talking. Which do you do?'
'Both actually. I'm better at skiing but I prefer snowboarding,' Joey says and I shoot her a look,
'I did not know that,' I kiss her hand.
'Well if you knew everything about me it would be boring.'
'I don't think it would ever be boring with you,' I say flirting outrageously.
'Charmer,' she mutters but her cheeks are stained red.
'I'm sorry to say we're here,' Doug grimaces and so do I.
'So this is where I work,' I say mimicking a tour operator, 'Dr Witter is usually found on the tenth floor tending to patients suffering cancer. Since his unfortunate diagnoses he can still be found on the tenth floor, only somewhat less dashing and a little more hacking.'
'Are you working at all?' she wrinkles her nose at me,
'Not when I'm off visiting you. Not when I'm being given this next lot of treatment but I'm doing cover work when I feel ok and it's needed. The patients actually seem to bond with me.'
'I imagine your patients always bonded with you,' Joey says as we get out of the car. I wave to this or that person as we make our way to the elevators. Of course when we enter my ward, the one I work on and am treated on well everyone is chatting - patients and staff. I introduce Joey to everyone, even Audrey who gives her a thorough once over. It's Audrey who gets me all set up, her boobs kind of stuck up and out there, all in my face as she puts the IV in my arm. I shoot a look at Joey, worried she's going to read something into it, but she looks highly amused. It's just the two of us, I asked Doug and Gretchen to call through tomorrow because I felt like I needed to be alone with my girl.
'I'm not going to go through the process today Pacey,' Audrey says, 'after all you know it better than I do.'
'Are you having radiation and chemo?' Joey asks and I nod.
'Everything and then the bone marrow transplant. They found the donor a while back, but after the first part of my treatment I needed a break.'
'Are you worried about side effects?' she asks softly and Audrey shoots her a look as if it's a stupid question. That annoys me because as far as I'm concerned there are no stupid questions especially when you're seeing someone through something like this.
'Actually yes,' I admit and pick at my nail, almost unwilling to share.
'You can tell me if you want,' she says.
'Sex,' I whisper the word into her ear because Audrey is still in the room. Joey blushes and looks down kind of coy,
'That again? You don't need to worry about that,' she says simply. 'Firstly, whatever changes occur to your body you'll still be the sexiest man I've ever met. You just do it for me,' that makes me smile, 'and secondly, I know that it's going to be different. I expect nothing, what I get is great, what I don't is ok too. I love you for more than your body, as I said. I know how treatment makes people feel, down inside. I don't mean that I know how it'll make you feel because I don't. I don't have any expectations about that either.'
'I love you,' I tell her and pull her onto my lap as Audrey sets up the medicines. I know she's listening in, she' sever been able to turn off her huff when she's put out and Joey has upset her, but I can't find it in myself to worry that she's listening and that she will know what side effect I was worried about, nor that she wishes Joey wasn't here. 'There's one more...'
'Side effect?'
'Yeah,' I say and she waits, 'secondary cancer. I'm having chemo and radiation together. It's not a huge risk but it's biggest for this situation. I hate the thought of beating this only to put you through this again.'
'You're not putting me through anything,' she says and I smile at her, 'life is what it is. I know that sounds lame but it really isn't. Finding you by the side of the road has turned my life upside down, but I'm happier than ever. Without that - well, I was happy, but now I feel like I'm living, that I have something so special that it makes my heart beat a little harder. I'm lucky.'
I don't really know how to respond to that so I don't not verbally anyway, but we hold each other for a long time. When Dr Green enters the room Joey gets off of my lap,
'Howard, this is my girlfriend Joey,' I say and Dr Green gives my girl a large, open smile.
'Well I've heard an awful lot about you,' he says and Joey grins,
'I've heard a fair amount about you,' she responds. Then of course, once pleasantries are over, once Doc has caught up with me, we begin. Once all the meds are going in, the radiation therapy injected, well then Audrey and Doctor Green leave and Joey and I sit together, or rather lie side by side on my bed.
'I feel I should warn you that I throw up a lot,' I say and Joey presses a kiss to my neck.
'I'm not very squeamish,' she says, 'I loathe cleaning out the fridges at the diner, but sick, blood, things like that don't really phase me. I mean they will because it's you. In that I don't like you being sick, or feeling bad.'
In most ways Joey is the perfect girlfriend when it comes to having the treatment I'm having. She knows just when to shut up and just when to distract and she has a real skill at keeping boredom at bay for herself and others. We play cards when we can, but sometimes I just can't stand anything. When I'm vomiting she clears it in silence, not touching me more than necessary because she can just tell it heightens the nausea. No one else gets that. She seems to be quite happy sitting in silence, and she makes sure to give me time and space each day. She keeps busy when she's not with me so she has lots to tell me in the times when I can function. It's a heavy course of treatment because I'm truly very sick, but she sticks with me, never letting it beat her. And that's her only fault. She doesn't show me how much this effects her, to the point that I end up yelling at her, questioning whether she cares at all. After only two weeks I make her cry by my frustration that she won't share with me how she feels. I'm looking at her with anger, in fact I can feel anger and frustration bubbling through me so completely that I just yell,
'Why the fuck do you keep saying it's ok? It's not ok. It's like you don't even care,' I growl the words and glare at her. Those big eyes of hers fill with tears but they don't fall.
'You think I don't care?' she asks in a small voice.
'Well you don't seem like you do. I'm dying and you seem unaffected,' my voice is not small, in fact it's loud and large in this small room.
'You're being such a bastard,' she says shaking her head.
'Oh that's sweet, thanks toots,' I glare at my hands, avoiding the look on her face.
'You know I care,' she says and I look at her viciously,
'Do I?' my tone is cruel and I do regret it but I'm too angry at this point.
'I'm going out,' she says and I do look at her this time and I see a tear snake down the curve of her cheek.
'Must be nice to come and go as you please,' I bite out but the door is closing as the last vestiges of my attack burn out. I instantly hate myself, the dark loathing of my youth filling me up. It's so typical of me to wreck the one thing that I truly adore about my life - the fact that I have this amazing girl in it. I lie in bed and seethe with anger, directed at myself this time. She returns only ten minutes later, crawling onto my bed and pressing her body to mine. My arms are like a vice around her I hold her that tight.
'You should leave me, go back home,' I say the words into her hair but she doesn't respond. 'Seriously Jo, I can be such a bastard. I'm no good for you, I'm mean to you and you're you for fucks sake,' my hands stroke down her arms.
'No,' is all she says and I don't really understand.
'No?'
'No. I go where you are, whether you want me or not.'
'Jo,' I say and she looks up at me, her eyes shooting daggers,
'I'm not scared by your cancer and I'm not scared when you get angry at me. I know that you know I care but sometimes I'm furious as well, and I bet you at some point I take it out on you. This is our life. This is our life together, and it's shitty that in this life together you're sick, it's even more horrendous that you may die, but I am not ruining what we have over what might happen. I love you and if cleaning up your sick, or playing cards is what I get, then I take it happily. I'd rather be mopping up sick, listening to you yell at me, and hanging out in a hospital room than I would be standing at your funeral.' Her words hit me hard and I find tears burn my eyes, 'and I am affected, of course I am. I hate that you're sick. I make constant bargains with god and I'm not even sure I believe in god. I make wishes and spend my silent time engaged in positive thoughts, but at least I'm with you.'
'Don't ever leave me,' I beg, my hands finding her cheeks, cupping her face and raising her eyes to mine.
'Don't you leave either,' she says and I nod, knowing I can't promise anything. She rests her head back on my chest and I run my fingers through her hair until I fall asleep.
When I wake up Joey is still lying along side me, but my eyes fall on my sister who is sat in a chair beside my bed contemplating the two of us.
'She asleep?' I ask quietly and Gretchen nods.
'You ok?' She asks in return and I shrug,
'We had an argument,' I say and Gretchen frowns, 'my fault,' I add.
'What about?'
'Stupidly about how great Jo is with all this.'
'You want her crying every second?' Gretchen's frown grows and I smile sheepishly,
'No. I was angry and I vented on her,' I admit.
'Well it's a big day tomorrow,' Gretchen says and I nod. Tomorrow I have my transplant. How I respond to this is a good indicator of my chances. Well my chances in the near future.
'I have my central line in,' I say and Gretchen nods, her eyes shiny.
'Conditioning all done,' she references this intense phase of killing cancer cells I've just been through.
'And then we'll see.'
'Yeah.'
'If it doesn't work,' I begin and she shakes her head.
'No,' she says but I fix her with a stare,
'If it doesn't work, I'll try again,' I say.
'You'll be able to?'
'Depends,' I say a little morosely. 'It may put me into remission. It may kill me. It may improve things for a while. My cancer is...well it's not great.'
'Death?' Gretchen has turned pale and I reach out and take her hand,
'It happens,' I admit, 'as does sterility and nausea and sometimes very little. I may have no issues.'
'Does she know?' Gretchen looks at Joey and I wince at the way she didn't use Joey's name. I fully expected my sister and my girlfriend to get along and in the case of Kerry and Anna that has been the case, but for some reason Gretchen, the sister that pushed me to go and see Joey, is for some reason not sure of her.
'She's known for a long time,' I say.
'And the kids thing?'
'That to,' I say, 'she said that even if we can't have kids she'd have me and that's enough.'
'I hope that's true.'
'I don't need your cynicism, not today Gretch.'
'I'm sorry,' she's immediately contrite.
'Why are you sorry?' Doug asks from the doorway, his brave smile on his face.
'She's being down on Joey,' I mutter, the girl in question opening her eyes and kissing me, before noting that we are not alone and flushing delightfully and slipping off me and off of my bed. Doug smirks but Gretchen stares at her.
'You guys are too cute,' Doug mutters indulgently but Gretch rolls her eyes and it irritates the fuck out of me.
'I'm not having anything that might kill me tomorrow if you keep treating Joey like you are,' I say and Gretchen's eyes widen. I'm not sure what Joey's reaction is to my up front dealings with my sister but I'm not going to be dissuaded from sorting this out.
'I'm not treating her in any way,' Gretchen defends.
'You are and you have been since we got back. You act like you don't trust her.'
'I don't trust her,' Gretchen states like it's something she hasn't ever tried to hide.
'Why not?' Joey asks.
'Why Pacey? I mean what girl gets involved with a dying man? How is that sane? And what about when it's too much? When you leave him?'
'You encouraged him to come and see me,' Joey's jaw has dropped open.
'I thought some sex and some fresh air would do him good,' Gretchen defends.
'I told you I loved her,' I say shocked at this about turn.
'It didn't seem like such a stretch of the imagination that a sick man might imagine himself in love with a pretty girl who rescued him,' Gretchen says.
'Did you?' Joey's turned quite pale, 'imagine yourself in love with me?'
'Not for one moment,' I say but my mind flits back to that first moment when she came into her bedroom, back when I first awoke from my concussion. That first moment I thought she was beautiful. Everything she did enchanted me and the way she dealt with the truth of what happened helped me, eased the pain in my heart. I do remember as she bid me goodnight thinking that I had known many beautiful and intriguing girls and that Joey was probably just one of them and it was only my heightened emotional state that had me thinking she was something special. These thoughts take mere moments to flit through my head but Joey reads them,
'Not for a moment huh?' she asks but she knows the answer. 'Thats ok,' she says in a small voice.
'From the second I saw you I wanted you,' I say and it doesn't help my case as her arms cross over her chest, her stance defensive. 'Everything you said eased me, eased the pain of knowing what was happening to me. I thought you were something special,' I tell her and her frown softens slightly.
'But?' her voice is shaky.
'I thought that might be my heightened emotional state making me feel that way,' I admit and Joey stares at me for a moment a myriad of emotions flicking across her face including hurt and resilience.
'That's likely,' she says holding herself in check and if I ever doubted my love for her, which I haven't, I love her more in that moment than ever before,
'Only it wasn't,' I continue. 'From the very beginning I knew you were something special. I only considered that it might have been my emotional state. The truth is it wasn't. You are something special to me and always have been and I love you. A lot. More than anything.'
'I love you too,' she says blushing and I reach out and take her hand, but Joey looks at Gretchen,
'The only thing that will ever be too much for me is Pacey dying. That's the truth,' she stares my sister down, 'and what's in this for me? Well Pacey, being with him, being with a man that makes me happy, worthy, loved and who makes me feel things and in a way that I never have for another person. I love your brother. I always will love him and I got involved with him because I didn't see him as a dying man, I saw him as a man who was funny, sweet, intelligent, easy to talk to and unbelievably attractive.'
'Hmm,' I grin at her and she looks away from Gretchen and back at me.
'He asked me to make out, like it was the simplest conclusion to dealing with a rainy morning,' she's speaking to Gretchen but still looking at me.
'Seemed pretty simple to me,' I say and she laughs,
'Oh for a fucked up, complicated situation it's always been very simple,' she agrees and moves to sit on the edge of the bed. My arm snakes around her until she's curled into my side.
'Ok,' Gretchen says and I look at her.
'Ok?'
'I get it. I'm sorry. I think I just get it a bit too much. When you guys came back, when we saw you at the airport well I got it. I know you're going to leave, go to Colorado.'
'Or I'll die.'
'One way or another I lose you,' she admits and her eyes flood with tears. Dougy wraps an arm around her.
'There's always Ned,' i say in an attempt to ease the tension and she gives me a grudging smile. 'And unless I'm dead I'm always your brother. In fact even then.'
'Good,' she whispers and reaches for my hand. I hold her hand tightly. She looks at Joey and mouths an apology. Joey nods and I feel relief knowing that if I do die these two women who are so important to me can grieve together.
I go home forty-eight hours later, new bone marrow hopefully healing me. Hopefully helping my body heal itself. My side effects are thankfully few and far between, some mild nausea and fatigue. However, when I slip into my bed with Joey lying beside me for the first time in my home, I feel insanely optimistic. We can't possibly be intimate, not physically anyway, but emotionally it feels like we're very connected. We talk, our voices soft, our bodies close. When I become too tired to talk she pulls out a copy of Moby Dick and reads to me. It's probably the nicest way I've fallen asleep in my whole life.
The next few weeks pass with me going in and out of hospital for the necessary checks but mostly I'm better than I have been except for the persisting fatigue. We have to stay near the hospital so we don't go back to Lost Lake, we live out of my apartment eating food I teach Joey to cook, watching old tv shows and kissing. We make love at times but we both respect my limitations which are unfortunately very real. Doug spends a lot of time at our place and when Jack visits it is nice to see how wonderfully together they are. As for Gretchen, she and Joey become good friends and that means a lot to me. Gretchen always looked out for me as a kid - my most fearsome supporter and I need her to adore my girlfriend as much as I do.
I want Joey to meet mom and dad but their continued disinterest makes that difficult. I find the thought of going to see them with my chemo bald head too much and so I call. I'm the one who, as Joey puts it, is a grown up. My dad answers,
'John Witter.'
'Dad it's me,' I say and there's a silence I'm not quite sure what to do with.
'Do you want me to get your mother?' he asks and I feel hatred for him bubbling up inside of me.
'What, you can't spend five minutes talking to your dying kid?' I ask and again there is a long patch of silence.
'Sometimes I don't know what to say,' he says and there's something in his voice that makes me hesitate when really I aught to ream him out good for being such a coward.
'We don't have to talk about my cancer,' I say.
'What can we talk about?' he asks, again with the same uncertainty that makes me hesitate to call him on his crap.
'We could start with my girlfriend.'
'I didn't think...' he trails off,
'I met her a few months back. When I was diagnosed.'
'She work at the hospital?'
'No,' I actually laugh, 'she's from Colorado. She lives in Colorado.'
For a while the phone line is filled with our heavy breathing.
'You gonna bring her round to meet us?' he asks at length.
'Yeah. This weekend, maybe Sunday?'
'Sundays good. I'll tell your mom. Goodbye Pacey,' and he hangs up.
If Joey is nervous about meeting my parents she doesn't seem it. In fact she's positively playful the morning of our visit, and she rather gleefully strips me of my clothes and has her wicked way with me. I don't complain, because why would I. I actually have some energy and I can never think of a better way to use my energy than on loving Joey as thoroughly as possible. Even after I make her come twice, because let's face it I don't do things by half, she still only manages to pull on her underwear before she's sliding her legs across mine to straddle me, and teasing me about how she's going to wear no panties when we go to see my parents. I point out that she's already put them on and she suggests I get rid of them for her. Before I know it she's sliding onto my hard cock and rocking on top of me, her breasts jiggling in my face. It's amazing to be with her when she's in this mood.
We spend the morning mucking around on the couch reading papers before we head out the door. She's driving and as I'm directing her she takes my hand and trails it up her thigh, proving that she is indeed going commando. It's so hot to find my fingers touching the warmth and wetness of her desire for me that I actually want to make love again. This pleases me inordinately because I haven't had this kind of stamina since I started treatment, and even though I can't fulfil this desire I know that I will before the day is through. My fingers are still on her as we pull up outside my folks house.
'Finish,' she hisses and uses her hand to plunge two of my fingers inside her. I watch her face as I circle her clit, rubbing furious circles that have her moaning my name. I'm hard as hell when she comes. She doesn't hesitate for a second but yanks at my jeans button and when she finally reveals my cock her lips descend on it. I come pretty quick and when she gives me a coy smile I laugh.
'Is this your method of getting me to relax for this encounter?'
'No, I just really find you attractive,' she murmurs demurely. I laugh again,
'The feeling is mutual,' I say and then sigh, 'they'll make you think I'm not worth it.'
'Not a chance,' she shakes her head.
'They don't really like me very much,' I admit.
'Then they're fools,' she states and opens her car door.
I don't know what I expect but Joey immediately calls my dad on his shit. She's utterly unforgiving as she stares at him when he opens the door.
'You must be Pacey's friend,' my dad says as he opens the door, staring at her and not the son he's failed to contact for months.
'And you must be his father. I'm surprised we haven't met at the hospital. Well actually I'm not,' she doesn't take the hand he proffers her.
'I've been busy,' my dad states and shoots me a weary, defensive look.
'Well, usually even when we're busy we make time to go and see people who have cancer,' she says. Dad doesn't say anything but stares at her some more. 'Especially our children. For my part I spent as much time with my mom as I could when she was sick.'
'It's ok Jo,' I say because I suddenly realize how angry she is with my dad, and in the face of his disinterest it's hard to criticize that.
'Nah, she's right kid,' dad says looking at Joey with his keen appraising eyes.
'Why haven't you been to see Pacey?' she asks in a bolshy way I've never seen before. She's staring at him with narrowed eyes, clearly expecting an answer. He's my dad so he doesn't answer. 'Wow, I guess you are as hardened as he indicated,' she shakes her head.
'Your mom's in the kitchen,' my dad waits for us to pass and I take Joey's hand because although she got nowhere with my dad I really appreciate her attempt to stand up for me.
It has to be the most awkward meal of all time. All meals with my parents tend to be awkward but watching them scrutinize the girl I love, avoid looking at me all together, and generally asking probing questions of Joey make this the most awkward.
'What does your father do Gemma?' my mom asks smiling wanly.
'It's Joey,' I growl.
'That's what I said Pacey,' my mom says but she doesn't quite look at me.
'Oh he's in jail so not a lot at the moment. I believe he works with electrics inside, but he sure didn't before he got locked up,' she stares at my dad who looks shocked and horrified, 'I'm afraid he's not a particularly nice guy.'
'What did he do?' suddenly my dad's interested. Joey sighs,
'Armed robbery, drug trafficking, links to arson...' she trails off with a shrug.
'And your mom?' my mom asks with a vacant look,
'She passed away when I was a kid. I was raised by my sister and her boyfriend.' It's funny but this conversation is every bit as awkward and awful as I imagined it would be. Joey catches my eye and I can't help it but the insane urge to laugh rolls through me. My lip quirks up and she sees it and she bites her lip to stop from smiling but then we're both giggling. I look at my fathers fierce, disapproving face and I laugh some more.
'Now Pacey, stop this nonsense,' he mutters, and we both try and quell this sudden bout of the giggles. 'Have you thought about my reelection? I don't think it looks that great for our family to be linked like that to...' He trails off but I know what he's saying,
'The criminal element?' I finish for him and stifle another laugh. 'Joey's not the criminal element, she's a published author - a hugely successful one at that. And no in answer to your question I haven't thought about your reelection, not once in the last few months because I've been fighting cancer that's probably going to kill me.'
'Well yes,' my mom says uselessly.
'Can I ask something?' Joey says, the giggles all gone, her sweet voice cutting across the tension.
'Sure,' my dad gives her the grudging go ahead.
'Do you know what Pacey does? You know for his work?'
'He works at the hospital,' gee, thanks mom.
'Hmmm, he's a doctor,' my dad says.
'Yeah. A really good one. He's twenty seven and I tell you what even though he's in there being pumped full of drugs and vomiting the other doctors still seek his opinion. The patients love him, the staff love him and he's very, very good at what he does.'
'We know that dear,' my mom says and Joey fixes her with a cold stare.
'Do you? Because you say he works at the hospital, like it's no big deal and Pacey is a big deal. Not only because he helps people, makes them better and helps them feel better about their shitty situations, but also because he's a kind hearted, funny guy. He could be selling hot dogs in the park and he's still be a big deal and I don't think you guys see that? You have somehow raised the sweetest, the kindest, the funniest, wittiest, most annoying man alive and he is the biggest deal in my life. Everywhere he goes he charms people, and they fall in love with him. Except you two,' her brow furrows, 'you don't seem to see it. You have five kids, all beautiful, sassy, nice people and for some reason you ignore the one who's arguably most special. This boy might die, and if he does this world loses someone very special, someone with the power to spread the joy like no one else I've ever met. Have you considered that you might lose this child of yours? That even if you don't lose him now is a time in his life to love him more than ever? I would take cleaning up his sick over not seeing him at all. He doesn't deserve how you treat him at all,' she sinks back in her chair before continuing,
'I can't imagine what it must be like to have a child who might die, or one as sick as Pacey is. I know what it's like to lose your parents, to love and fear it may be lost to you and your heart may break. I can't understand your situation, but I also cannot understand your response to a man as amazing as your son. He's your child. And he's wonderful. You're both fools if you don't make time to get to know him,' she stops talking and I must be staring at her like a gaping fish because I didn't ever really see myself as anyone who was worth anything much until this moment. My stupid depressed brain tells me that at least if I die, I die happy with who I am.
'I'm sorry Pacey,' the words surprisingly come from my father. Words over never heard fall from his lips before. He's staring at me.
'That's ok,' is all I can manage because I want to hold Joey. 'We're going to go,' I say because they're both sat there, their mouths slightly ajar, 'but if you would like to come over and see me at my place you're very welcome. I'm working a little bit next week so text me before hand. If I don't hear from you I guess we'll call this quits.' I stand and take Joey's hand, and together we leave the house. We make it to the car and once we're inside I kiss her, I kiss her with everything I have. I better start thinking because I need to ask her to marry me. I want it to be spectacular but with the words on the tip of my tongue they may just slip out.
