Chapter 7
"Kiss my ass," I snarl at him. Unfortunately, this is my place of work, so I can't exactly storm off or anything, especially since I committed to this area for the day. To give Braginsky a hint, I put on my ear buds and blast my music in my ears, putting my goggles over my eyes, too. "Stop fucking around with my emotions… I like it better when you're numb…" I sing to myself. I love this chorus, "But you're always out to get me! You're the snake hidden in my daffodils while I'm picking flowers! That's just my life these days! WHY CAN'T YOU JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?" Okay, I got a little bit too into the song. I suppose I am a little bit enraged at Ivan right now… He is, like, the bane of my existence and he doesn't want me to be happy, I swear. My life was perfectly normal before this. Berwald is looking at me really weirdly. Shit.
I think I'll just focus on taking apart this broken laptop to find out what is wrong with it. Luckily, Ivan left already before I broke into song that describes my hateful feelings for him… The only thing that bothers me is the title of that song, "The Irony of Choking on a Lifesaver." Well then, um… moving on. This computer's battery seems to be burnt out. I wonder how old it is. If it's the company's, I'd have to ask my boss what to do with it.
"Armageddon, whose laptop is this? Does it belong to the company?" I ask him. Hopefully it isn't the company's. I don't feel like walking back over to the boss's room, mostly because it is right near Ivan's little office cubicle.
"It's the boss's… but not for the company…" Oh, great. I gotta go to the boss's office even so. I sigh loudly and impatiently because oh my god, I really don't like this. Like, what the heck? What are the odds of this? I don't like it at all.
"The guy with the elephant, right?" I ask him. There is still hope I won't have to go to that guy's office. Unfortunately, Berwald nods. I mutter to myself before putting together the laptop once again. That's it. I take off my goggles once I am finished, but keep on my headphones. A depressing song by a depressing band comes on. The band is depressing because, well, they broke up, not because of their music. Come on, Na Na Na by My Chemical Romance is totally not a depressing song. At least, the beat isn't. I never really paid attention to the lyrics… I think I'll still sing along to this depressing song anyway, though.
As I am about to exit the elevator, I sing, "And after all this time you still owe, you're still this good-for-nothing I don't know…" Then, as I am about to pass Ivan, I sing a bit louder, "Would you even turn to say, I don't love you… like I did… yesterday." Unfortunately, this song lyric causes Ivan to stop me, as I am singing very slowly and sadly. Maybe I have an attachment to this song. There has to be some reason I downloaded it because it is frickin' slow and sad.
"What are you singing?" Ivan asks me as he pulls me into the office. Well, I am just going to state it simply. It seems like the best way.
"I Don't Love You." Oh, the reaction on his face is gold as I state it so nonchalantly and just, I don't even think he knows I just stated the song title because his mouth is open like a fish. I openly laugh despite the sad song still playing in my ears.
"Well, I knew that…" Ivan tells me quietly. Oh, this is so great.
"That was just the song title, dude! You are hilarious!" Okay, well, his face looks a little bit murderous now, but I am going to just put that aside. It isn't like he can actually murder me. It's against the law and I wouldn't think even creepy bastards like him would do that.
"Is this because I said I did not love you anymore… after all these years?" Hm… I guess, Ivan did say something along those lines to me, but it's just the song that played. I roll my eyes. The world does not revolve around this Russian. What an arrogant idiot, thinking that everything I download and sing is about him.
"What? No!" Why did my voice sound like it had a twinge of lie in it? This is unnatural. Maybe I should be paying more attention to my deeper thoughts than the ones that are happening right now. Nah. Most likely, they aren't important. "Look, Braginsky. I got work to do, bad news to break to my boss and stuff. See ya never." Walking off without another word should do it. Maybe I should remove my ear buds to speak to the boss, though. I pull them from my ears in anticipation. Now, I walk down the hall.
Once again, the man is on his telephone, talking in, what is that? I can't even understand it. It sounds so complicated. This is going to be awhile. I guess now would be a good time to contemplate life and delve deeper into my mind. I don't want to do that, but this man is giving me no choice. I might as well access the more heroic part of my mind while sitting. I take a seat in a desk chair and gaze into the black and soulless eyes of the plush elephant on the desk blankly as I feel my conscious thoughts shutting down.
Sadness of rejection… so many rejections are present in my life. I was rejected by my father. He left… Now, he's back, but I can't trust him. I've been rejected jobs, friend outings, date proposals, all damaging my ego. Natalya gave me a chance and then, my ambition made her strip it away. There is one person who never rejected me… Ivan. Until now… now, he doesn't love me anymore, so short a time ago. Last Skype call, six years ago, seeming like only six days now that he is back, but alas, I am rejected again by the one entity I truly loved.
I blink into normal consciousness as the boss sits in front of me. The first thing I do is glance down at my computer. It feels like at this point, I am forcing a grin on my face. I have my dream job, my dream apartment, my dream life, yet something seems to be missing. What more could I ask for? I should have kept my thoughts trapped in the back of my mind.
"What have you come here for, Mr. Jones?" my boss asks me, staring down the computer in my hand. My smile twitches as I realize that I have to give my boss bad news. He seems like an easy-going guy, but I don't like to be the one giving bad news, especially if it could cause me to get fired.
"Your laptop's fried… It's not a company computer, so I don't have any parts to fix it with. You might have to buy a new battery. I looked around for any problems I could fix with my tools, but there were none. I concluded your battery…" If it was a broken wire, I could have easily replaced it, company or not. If it was a cracked grid, that would also be a problem worth getting a new computer, though. Fortunately, it isn't that.
"Anaaaa, that was an old computer anyway… Also, I have wanted to get one of those new tablet-like computers for a little while." There is relaxed smile on his face. It appears I will make it out scot-free. This puts my mood in a higher place, I suppose. Well then, I suppose I will go now. It looks like the boss has a desktop computer as well anyway, so it won't be restricting him from work. Hopefully, he backed up all his files, though. Now, maybe I can go back to my work. No, it's been about ten hours. I suppose it's time to head home… I went without a nap today.
I don't want any nap anyway as it seems to bring out my deeper thoughts which I have found to loathe. I should treat them like villains and my good thoughts need to conquer them. That seems like a good enough way to get over them. I need to at least find a way for me to distract myself from them. In contemplation, Ivan decides to put an arm around me.
"Are we still dating, Alfred?" he asks me. I thought I made my views completely clear, but my conflicting thoughts are making me doubt a little bit.
"Depends if you still love me…" I mutter softly, a little bit angrily. I am mostly angry at myself, but I am also mad at Braginsky for being very persistent. Maybe these thoughts never would have come to mind if Braginsky wasn't such a douchebag because right now, I am not in the best state despite the sarcastic, done with sneer on my face. Yes, I have a sneer on my face. Only because I want to do terrible things to this villain pestering me right now, but not terrible as in Ivan terrible. I'd kill someone in a quick and humane way… if they deserved it, not that I think about killing on a daily basis or anything. Ivan brings out weird thoughts, that damn bastard.
"After six years, how could anyone?" My sneer twitches into somewhat of a smile, a very forced looking smile. It makes me look like I am trapped in my own body. I should just frown if I am too fed up to do a good faking job. So therefore, it then turns into a frown. Also, I lift his arm off of mine.
"We are not dating then. If you wish to pursue me, don't." I can't handle this shit today. It isn't Ivan, it is myself. No, it is a hundred percent Ivan. He is making me in a crappy mood, so he must be dealt with in a crappy way.
"Alfred, do you remember what we did on our second date…? I wanted to call it our first, but you insisted that Winter Formal was our first date." Man, I remember, like nothing of our past, but I am going to have to remember this somehow. I should have taken a nap today. Maybe lack of nap is why I am so grumpy, not just those weird thoughts I was having earlier.
"Yeah… You took me to a weird Russian restaurant… I complained the entire time… You got mad at me and somehow, we ended up making out in the bathroom." There's more. I can remember more. "Then, we went to a movie afterwards, popcorn and coke for dessert." I don't remember how we ended up making out in the bathroom, to be honest. It was probably some way of forgiving each other or something. Isn't that what happens with normal couples? I don't know anything. Ivan probably remembers these things better.
"Do you remember what we talked about in the bathroom…?" Now, this is what I don't remember. I shake my head to indicate my answer is no. He sighs and rolls his eyes. What? I don't pay attention to every damn conversation and I really don't like remembering you in particular! Luckily, he can't hear me saying that, but the glare I'm giving him should give him a hint.
"Just spit it out, won't ya?" I want to know what we were talking about, honestly. What made us kiss? How come it was at a Russian restaurant, too?
"Okay… well, you were complaining about how I took you to that restaurant for myself and how selfish I was and I tried explaining to you that I was just trying to broaden your disgusting food pallet that consists of only hamburgers and then we got into an argument about European food versus American food and I, of course, won the argument because your brain is tiny and immature and not open to anything that isn't your truth. Then, you grabbed my tie and pulled me close, uttering the words, 'I despise you,' to which I replied with 'I despise you, too.' Then, you made out with me. It was not my doing, Alfred…" Utter bullshit. How can I believe this? I don't have a memory of this.
"What happened after we were finished making out…?" I ask curiously. Besides the movie thing. I know about the movie thing.
"My hair was all messed up… and we pretty much made up… I said to you that I could always love you… as long as it was accompanied by hate. I don't hate you anymore… and I most certainly don't love you because all the passion is gone. It's been too long, you see." The imprint of my hand finds its way onto Ivan's cheek. I hate Ivan so much. He confuses me so much and in some way, I kind of want that hate to be reciprocated now since he told me that.
"Why the hell did you tell me that?! Like, how can you hate and love me at the same time and now just be frickin' neutral?" Ivan confuses me so badly, I can't even fathom his existence. Is he even a real person? I am starting to question this… He is just so weird, it seems unreal to me.
"There is only one emotion filled with extreme passion and I think you know which one. Hatred. It boils and consumes one. Love does not do that for me…" no wonder I forgot this guy, he's really weird, "unless accompanied by hate… which is why I could love and hate you at the same time. But now, I feel neither. It has been too long, you see."
"It's only been, like, a day… for me…" I mutter to myself. A day since I lost the one I loved… Was he ever in my grasp? I don't think so, not even back then. "I need to get home," I laugh a little bit, a fake smile forming on my face. I'm supposed to hate this guy, aren't I? Why am I not doing it then? No, I really do despise him and perhaps, my feelings were mutual and now they are not. Ugh. I'm confused and it's late at night.
"But you understand now?" Ivan asks me. I purse my lips at him and sigh. Will he not leave the subject alone? I decide to refrain from answering. "Alfred," he basically sing-songs before poking me in the forehead a few times, "I know you have the mentality of a brick wall when it comes to new information you don't like, so I want to make sure I pickaxed my way through that brick wall." Did he just call me a brickhead? That douche! He infuriates me so much.
"Yes, I understand you… clearly…" And he further fuels my hatred. Why is he so confusing? This should be a simple relationship, but no, Ivan wants it to be full of hatred and passion and he wants me to hate him, too, but he doesn't love me because he doesn't hate me and I DON'T LIKE HIM. Once again, I attempt at injuring him, but this time, I punch him in the face, right in that ugly big nose of his. He stumbles back and attempts to punch me back to which I am wounded, literally.
Then, I once again punch him in the face, his jaw this time to make him pay for breaking my glasses. I hear a satisfying crunch and he spits blood out of his mouth. I assume I made his tongue bleed. Of course, I do not walk out unscathed. He tosses a punch right to my stomach, causing me to fall to the floor. This position is not too great. A shooting pain goes through my ribs and the air is knocked out of me. I realize he decided to kick me in the ribs… He is doing it repeatedly now (one two three four more), so I grab his leg and push up so he falls back. A loud thud resonates as the heavy Russian… more like a tree, falls to the ground.
"You are dead to me, Braginsky… Dead. I hate you. I never want to see you again!" I say as I crawl over him. I cough because I feel like he broke a rib. I should probably go to the hospital after this. For now, I just start punching his face as repeatedly as he kicked my ribs. He keeps a stupid grin on his face. I can see I knocked out a tooth. "Stop smiling!" I yell at him. Braginsky does not cease and I find myself unable to breathe as he starts choking me. The roles are reversed. I don't even attempt to breath. Instead, I start crying, but not really as the only sound I can make is a raspy choked sound while his hands are around my neck. He stops and fixes my collar.
I start coughing as I can now breathe, but I am still crying and I sense no end to it any time soon. Ivan isn't even smiling anymore. I suppose he got the message. This is really awkward considering we are still in the Google building, but I suppose it can't be helped. I continue crying so unheroically and he continues watching me as a puddle forms on the dark greyish carpet. I'm not even crying from pain… maybe a different kind of pain, but not physical pain. The world is a blur through my eyes, the lights and Ivan's hair blending together. Am I even able to move from my spot? I think I'll just curl up into a ball. This floor is comfy enough to go to sleep on…
"I am sorry… Let me take you to a hospital…" I didn't even really make too much of a mark on Ivan, but at least, I got an apology out of him. Although, in the midst of my crying, it really doesn't mean much as I still am despite the apology. I choke on my sadness as I feel myself being lifted up. Bridal style. How embarrassing…
"I-I… I hate you so goddamn much…" I say to him. I never could have loved him, yet something within me tells me I did and that we once were happier. The tears have seemingly left my eyes, making my vision a little clearer, and I see a very ugly and bruised face. Unfortunately, my glasses are still broken, so I have to squint at his face. His nose is crooked and purple and he has a black eye. I'm sure I look worse, though, as I cannot even struggle without possibly puncturing my lung.
"This was entirely your fault, Alfred… You are an unbearable idiot, to be honest, but I don't really feel like leaving you like a pathetic child on the ground…" There he is with more of his condescension. "You haven't changed a bit… I don't feel like I have either, though, considering the circumstances. It's like science class all over again." I was about to retort, but my vision is starting to go bla-
Okay, so yeah, credit to the awesome bands who wrote those songs! The first one is "The Irony of Choking on a Lifesaver" by All Time Low. I didn't mention who it is by... and the other one was "I Don't Love You" by My Chemical Romance. I did mention who it was by but not directly. Anywayyyyy, I'm going to do a point of view change for the next few chapters, so y'all know what's going on in Ivan's head. So uh... brace yourselves for that!
