Chapter 7: The Gingerbread Men
Jepson walked into his house from work. He ran his own (surprisingly well paying) business where he sold certain little pigs sticks and straw for every time a gust of wind or certain unmentionable creature blew their homes down. Because of a confidentiality agreement made between Jepson and these two little pigs, I'm not obligated to provide any more information on Jepson or his work life. If the pigs are ever seen in this series I will blur their faces. How do I blur somebody's face in a book? I haven't figured that out yet.
Anyways, enough about Jepson, let's get back to talking about Jepson! Jepson shut, locked the door, and stripped off his winter clothing. He made his way to his favorite spot of the couch where he sat reading Phantom's Story until Avis handed him a glass of hot chocolate.
"Thanks," Jepson said as he blew on the glass to cool it. "It's so cold out there that it's nice to know somebody's looking out for me."
Avis smiled and sat by her husband. She kissed him on the cheek and said, "You know, I will always love you."
Jepson was about to speak, but then he paused. He looked in both directions to see that Elijah and Humpty weren't around and then said, "I love you too." Jepson paused again, expecting for one of them to show up behind him and attack, but nothing happened. "What gives? Where are Humpty and Elijah?"
"Actually it's just the two of us." Avis said with a blush. She leaned in and kissed Jepson on the cheek again. You know we haven't been alone together in what seems like so long."
"Yeah," Jepson agreed. "Do you remember our first date at the Morning Dragon Café? And there was that nosey waitress there who wouldn't leave us alone. Her name was Villa or something... She kept trying to join our conversation, but ignored everybody else."
"...Actually Jepson, I think you're confusing me for someone else."
"No, I remember saying, Avis, Avis, let down your long hai-..." Jepson looked at Avis and blinked in confusion. "Did you get a haircut?"
"Jepson, I think your memory is playing tricks on you. We got married right after you saved me from Elijah. If I recall correctly, it was your mother's idea because our wedding would have the Fairy Tale Happily Ever After discount."
"The what?" Jepson asked.
"You know. It's a discount given only to those who marry right after their story. Anyways, after we got married, that's when Elijah came along and BAM our life was crazy again."
"Wow, it really happened so fast, huh?" Jepson said, while absentmindedly scratching the back of his head. "And pretty soon we had a family."
The door opened and Elijah entered with Humpty, Elizabeth, the Bald Young Baby, CarTer, and Mish and Tish the goldfish (who were in their bowl). All the family members were heavily bundled up in winter clothing.
"You lied." Said an angry Elijah as he threw his snowy jacket to the ground. "There is no cookie festival on the other side of town!"
"Oh," Avis said, pretending to seem surprised. "Did I say the cookie festival was on the other side of town? I meant the other side of the world! I believe it's somewhere in uh... Belgium. Maybe you guys can drive there."
"No," Elijah said angrily. "Humpty did an internet search and apparently there isn't a cookie festival anywhere!"
"Yeah," Humpty added. "Humpty Dumpty doesn't like being deceived. Avis is a bad, bad girl."
"Shut up Humpty!" Avis snapped.
"Wait, I see what's going on!" CarTer said excitedly. He was the one carrying the fish bowl so that shook a little in his hands as he bounced up and down.
"What is it?" Mish asked.
"Llet!" Tish said excitedly.
"You guys want to... You know, have kissy kissy fun!" CarTer said with a smirk.
"That's nasty!" Elizabeth shrieked. "Aren't mom and dad like a hundred?"
"I agree with Elizabeth!" Elijah added while slapping Jepson on the back of the head. A smile formed on his face. "Unless of course, Avis wants to kissy kissy me," He said with a wink.
"It's actually quite normal for adults to want to indulge in activities like kissing." The Bald Young Baby said. "Maybe we can learn from them."
"Yeah, even in my time kissing is quite normal." CarTer added.
"Avis, if you wanted a kiss, why didn't you invite the Humpty to join?" Humpty asked with a smile.
"I'm so over you." Avis answered with a scowl.
"Well at least make me cookies. Humpty Dumpty loves himself some gingerbread."
"You want gingerbread?" Avis shrieked. "You know what? I think I have just the recipe! It calls for eggs though!"
Avis ran up to Humpty and ran her fist into him. When she pulled her hand out of the shell, she was breathing heavy and holding part of Humpty's insides.
"Did you just...?" Elijah gasped.
"Humpty's..." Jepson started.
"He's dead." Avis said coldly. A smile formed on her lips. "Now who wants cookies?"
After about an hour, the oven beeped and Avis removed the tray of cookies. The family sat around the table and waited solemnly to be served.
"I can't believe Humpty's gone." Jepson said. He was the first besides Avis to speak in a while.
Avis, who had no trouble coping with Humpty's death, smiled wide and set the cookie sheet down on the table. "I know right! Let's celebrate! Now where did I put my spatula?"
"Humpty loved gingerbread." CarTer said softly.
"Humpty does." Said a low, Humpty sounding voice.
"Who said that?" CarTer asked, sitting up.
"If this is some sort of dark magic, reveal yourself!" Elijah demanded as his eyes scanned the room.
"Why, I'm the one and only Humpty Dumpty! Humpty knows no magic. Humpty only knows love." The voice said as a gingerbread man stood up from the tin. "Humpty enjoyed his tan, but now he has other things to do. Somewhere out there is a girl who needs kissing and a little bit of sugar. Humpty is full of sugar."
Avis, now horrified, turned her attention to the cookie. "How are you still alive?"
"Love never dies." Another Humpty-sounding voice said, and another gingerbread man stood up.
"T-there are more of you?" Avis stammered.
"Yes and Humpty likes this new body you made for him." Yet another gingerbread Humpty said.
"They're all Humpty!" CarTer cheered.
"No! Humpty's dead!" Avis yelled. She reached for a broom and charged at the Humpies with it. It narrowly missed them, but smashed just about everything else on the table. (Thankfully Elizabeth had rescued the fish bowl in time.)
"Run, run as fast as you can! You'll never catch us! We're the Humpty men!" The Humpies yelled in unison as Avis chased after them. She swung her broom madly, but with every miss ended up either smashing more or breaking part of the wall.
Jepson smiled half-heartedly. "Looks like nothing changed after all." He said with a nervous laugh. The others laughed too. They knew that somebody should stop Avis from completely destroying the house, but nobody wanted to be the one to step in between her wrath.
~ phantom130 5 (November 2013)
