Disclaimer: Don't own FFVII in any shape or form.
A/N: Another piece also entered in CxA 100 Challenge! A bit more angsty than I'm used to writing. I hope you'll like in anyway though:D
096. Writer's Choice: Secret
It had blossomed inside her, gnawing at her insides as things had started to unfold before her. Cetra. Jenova. Planet. Mako. Meteor. Materia. Sephiroth. All had begun the fear inside her, the fear that came when she was alone, bringing her to her knees. She would whimper, her arms wrapped tightly around her slender body, as if she were in danger of flying to pieces otherwise. But she could not tell anyone of her suffering. No one.
How could they understand? After all, it's such a silly thing to worry about at her age. She's young, vibrant, on the verge of beginning her life. It's the last thing she should be worrying about. But she does. She can feel it haunting her every step, even in the bright sunshine of Wutai, even in the cheerful, carefree atmosphere of Gold Saucer with all of her friends and companions. A whisper of iciness on the nape of her neck, it's stalking her as she fights, watching as she laughs, bringing nightmares when she sleeps. Sometimes she wonders if she's even fooling the others at all. She sees a shadow of gentle concern in Tifa's eyes when she shakes her awake after one such nightmare.
"That's the third time this week, Aerith. Are you sure you're ok?"
"No, you aren't fine, I can see it in your eyes."
"Aerith, you were calling for your mother. . ."
"Won't you tell me what's wrong?"
There isn't any fooling her best friend in the mornings. It's even harder with the light throwing into sharp relief what is fast becoming obvious.
"Those dark circles under your eyes. . .You look like a ghost. Maybe you should tell the others you aren't sleeping well. . ."
"You were screaming for him. You said his name."
"You called for him again, Aerith. You called for Cloud."
That part disturbed her. Of course she cared for him, more than anything. But as time wore on, and her dreams grew more and more terrifying, so did her screaming of Cloud's name in the night. It had gotten to the point where she buried her face in her pillow while sleeping to avoid being heard by the others. Eventually Tifa stops asking, and Yuffie, who can sleep through anything, never knows. But that doesn't mean it's over. Death stalks Aerith Gainsborough, and she has started to realize it.
It's her greatest fear, dying. It's so silly, so stupid. After all, she knows better than anyone else that death isn't the end. Spirits return to the Lifestream, to the Planet, and they will be there together with those they love. And maybe. . . just maybe, there is also the hope of the Promised Land.
But this knowledge doesn't change anything. Aerith is afraid of death, but she can't tell anyone. She keeps it locked up tight inside herself, refusing to share with Tifa, the sister she never had, or Cloud, the life of her soul. It's a secret she'll take with her to the grave.
She doesn't want to die. Who does, after all? But most don't know that their death is coming. She does. She has known it since she stared Sephiroth in the eyes, before that even, when she began to understand what being a Cetra meant. There's so much she wants to do with her life, so many hopes and dreams that must be laid aside. As much as she doesn't want to die, even more she doesn't want countless of others to. What kind of person would she be if she walked away from all those who need her? If she refused the call, it would mean the end of everything, not just her. She can't allow that.
So she continues on, her head held high and a smile for those she loves, even as her time grows short. It won't be long now- she knows it as they enter the Temple. Soon it will be time. She has to make the most of what she has left, and her time won't be spent in fear and moping. She's going to laugh and smile, and be her old self for them, until her time comes.
It seems to come all too quickly. Sephiroth has stolen the Black Materia, and it is time for her to stop him. It is with great reluctance that she leaves Cloud's side, considering the condition he's in. Her fingers linger on his cheek, wavering in her resolve. Surely she can wait until he awakens- no, she knows she can't. If he knew what she was going to do, he would stop her, and so would all the others. She can't let Cloud do that- its all for him after all. But she can't leave him like this, without even a word of goodbye. It's not right, not fair to either of them. Using what little power she has, she comes to him in his dreams to explain and bid him farewell. It nearly breaks her to see the confusion and sadness in his mako blue eyes, but she keeps smiling, promising to come back before running out of his dreams, and then out of his room.
She's strangely calm for going to meet her secret fear. In fact, she's almost relieved to know it will soon be over. It's a liberating feeling, to know that soon she won't have to fret and worry over it any longer. Jade green eyes close and she hums softly to herself as she walks through the forest toward the city of the Ancients. Everything is going to be alright.
Alone, she kneels in prayer on the alter, whispering her plea to the Planet. Deep in the bowls of the earth, she can hear the voices so much more clearly. They sooth her, reassuring her that she is doing right in her task. It won't be long now. But there is still fear inside her heart, dark and deep. How can she still be afraid now, when it's all about to end?
He's coming. She can feel his presence though she doesn't open her eyes. He has motioned the others to stay back, moving to stand near her. She can feel those beautiful sky colored eyes of his on her. Her heart races and the fear grows stronger, threatening to engulf and drag her under. She doesn't understand; why should Cloud's presence here make the fear of death worse? How can her awkward, boyishly sweet Cloud make her doubt her resolve when she is doing it all for him?
That's when it strikes her, the true fear of her heart, a secret she's kept even from herself. Slowly her dark lashed lids flutter, her head lifting to gaze at him, and earth meets sky. It's not that Aerith is afraid to die. She's afraid of not being with Cloud. The realization of the magnitude of her feelings shocks her, her heart swelling with love as she offers Cloud one last smile before pain makes her world explode, throwing her into the sweet void of nothingness.
