"Well, I...," he trailed off, fully contemplating his actions for the first time.
"Yes, Mello?" Dr. Tash's voice brought him back to reality.
Mello blinked.
"I'm here because I collapsed in class."
He looked up as if waiting for approval, but Tash simply motioned for him to continue.
"The doctors said I collapsed due to low blood sugar," he couldn't look directly at the man at this point, instead keeping his eyes on the hand that fiddled with the hem of his shirt, "But for some reason they decided to do a complete check up, and they found out that I'm...," he trailed off again, finding he wasn't ready to say the word just yet.
Dr. Trash silently, patiently waited.
Mello took a deep breath.
His words seemed to mingle together as he said, "I have a problem with food."
That didn't sound right. No, something was wrong. He was pretty sure the room was spinning, and he knew his heart wasn't supposed to be pounding at a time like this.
He didn't know where the pressure in his head was coming from, but it was painful, almost unbearable. His throat was itching.
"What's your problem with food, Mello?"
And everything stopped when he was brought back to reality again. He looked at Dr. Tash, dumbstruck, like he had been unexpectedly saved.
"I... What?"
Mello looked around in confusion, taking in the lack of personality of the room. Lastly, his eyes rested upon the smiling man's face, and he was filled with an odd sense of security.
"This can't be happening," he said almost defiantly, "It's too surreal."
"I can understand your feelings, Mello, but I assure you it's real. We're both here, just the two of us. It's ok to speak your mind."
Mello wanted to tell him he always spoke his mind, but he realised that was not true anymore.
He shook his head, chuckling bitterly, "How can you say you understand my feelings?," he asked angrily, his tone demanding an answer.
And Dr. Tash was only too glad to give him one.
"I was once the one sitting on that chair," he said, fond smile never faltering.
Mello couldn't stop staring at him after that, too many thoughts spinning around in his head, making it impossible for him to figure out what to say or how to react.
But Tash checked his wrist-clock then, and informed Mello their time was up.
Mello wondered how much time he had wasted hesitating, panicking and staring, and his stomach sunk with guilt.
"I'll see you next week, Mello," Tash said just as Mello was about to leave, hand on the knob, "And remember, it's ok to take your time, Mello. Just don't give up."
Something about Tash's warm voice - or maybe it was his fond smile, or the way he repeated Mello's name every now and again, or the way his words reminded Mello of Matt and Near, making him slightly homesick, or maybe it was everything from the fact that he truly understood his feelings to the way he had implied he'd wait until Mello was ready - eased all the bad feelings, and Mello honestly smiled for what felt like the first time in his life.
The days until his next session of individual therapy passed almost uneventfully - Matt called again once to announce he was proud of him and couldn't wait to see him again, and that one call made Mello feel fuzzy and strangely warm, earning him playful teasing from Christine, but that was it.
He had a lot of free time and spent many hours staring at the ceiling and thinking about Dr. Tash's question, but was unable to reach an answer.
"Food makes you fat," he said hesitantly when asked for the second time, feeling he had to offer some sort of answer.
"Do you want to be fat, Mello?"
"No," he was quick to reply, "Do you think I'm fat? It's- I'm sorry- I've been trying to get out of here, that's why- I'm not usually this fat," the words left his mouth so quickly he barely had time to breathe and for a moment, it felt like he'd go on for hours, trying to justify his weight. He knew he shouldn't have eaten that morning.
Tash gestured for him to hush, and he did.
He had something to say, and Mello wanted to hear, wanted to listen. He wanted to understand what was happening to him, and he knew Tash did.
"It's ok, Mello," was all he said.
But that was enough for Mello to start crying, covering his face with his hands.
"It's not ok," he said in between sobs, "I know what I'm doing to myself, but I can't stop."
"What are you doing, Mello? Can you say it to me?," Tash's therapist voice was exactly what he needed to hear at that moment, and Mello felt ready.
"I make myself throw up," he confessed, "It's not even about food anymore - actually, I don't think it ever was. I just convinced myself everything would be fine if I lost some weight, but I couldn't- couldn't stop eating chocolate and then..."
Mello stopped. He felt stupid. Dr. Tash probably knew all those things, even if he himself was just figuring it all out.
"What would be fine if you lost weight, Mello? What are you really punishing yourself for?," he asked suddenly, firmly, and Mello nearly choked.
"That's... I..." he stuttered, taking a moment to decide he was doing this, he would open up to Dr. Tash, because that's all he could do.
"I'm all wrong. Nothing I ever do is right, because... I like...," he closed his eyes, "I like boys."
Mello sighed. It had never felt so real, because he had never said it aloud. And now his secret was exposed to a stranger, someone who had no reason whatsoever to try and understand him.
He opened his eyes after a while, and looked up, part of him afraid he'd see disgust in the man's features.
But all he found was that same fond smile.
A/N: Tell me if you liked it at all?
