The cafeteria was full of chatter as Louise's peers yapped on about their classes and their sports and their part-time jobs and their fake high school drama. Now, Louise's high school drama, that was real, she told herself with her chin propped up on one hand pushing instant mashed potatoes around the tray.
She scanned the room, looking at the prospective boys she had to choose from. She wouldn't be caught dead with any of the jocks. All that testosterone and being full of themselves. You throw a ball around. Whoopty doo! Stop pretending like group showers after the game isn't the reason you signed up. The goth/punk-ish kids could be a good fit. At least they were interesting. They had their own problems. "Oh! I'm so misunderstood! No teenage boy has ever been as mistreated as me.
Laughter erupted from a table behind her. Louise turned to see Rudy and Chloe Barbash flirting. That bitch! Rudy wasn't good enough for her when he was a sweet, friendly little boy, but now that he could run laps around all the other boys in the state and had all those gold medals, all of a sudden she couldn't keep her grabby hands off him. If Louise dated him, she could be honest with him about it all being fake, but it would still keep that bitch off of him while they pretended to be together. What if Rudy secretly had a crush on her, though? Louise didn't believe it was possible. They were best buds and nothing more, right? But what if? It would be heartbreaking to do that to him.
It was a good idea to use somebody that she didn't have to lie to, she concluded. But if not Rudy, then who?
"Can we sit here?" A nasally voice asked. It was Andy. Or Ollie. No, Andy, she decided. He was to her right.
"We always like sitting with you, Louise." Ollie said from her other side.
Without waiting for her response, they sad down to either side of her. Lately the twins had decided they liked symmetry. If both of them were on one side of a person it might throw off the room and send they got dizzy because they imagined the room spiraling out of control. Every class they were in had them sitting on opposite sides. They would hate that kind of separation as kids, but Louise suspected their creepy twin telepathy probably kept them in tethered to each other. Sometimes she pricked one with a needle to see if the other reacted, but so far she had gotten mixed results.
"We saw Mr. Bush go to your restaurant last week," Ollie screeched in one ear.
"I didn't even know teachers could leave school," Andy added. "Did he get escape?"
"Did you get him back in? Is that why you're always with him?" Ollie asked.
"Guys, guys!" Louise needed desperately to shut them up. "I'm not always with him. I just grade papers and run errands for him every other day. It's totally normal, teacher's aide stuff."
"Then why did he come see you outside of school?" Andy prodded.
"Remember that one time Mr. Frond dated your aunt? You were almost related to him. You sure do spend a lot of time with teachers, Louise." Ollie pointed out even more awkwardness in Louise's life.
As she sat between their conversation for lunch, the uncomfortable idea occurred. Dating one of the twins might be hell. But they might just leave her alone when Logan wasn't around as long as she told them what was up. She wouldn't have to lie to anybody (except Logan) and she'd be able to check if Logan got jealous. This did not seem like the best idea in the world, Louise admitted, but Tina had made it very clear that the quickest way for a boy to admit his feelings for you was for them to realize other boys might come along and take you off the market. Louise hadn't liked thinking of herself as an item for sale, but she couldn't argue with Tina's logic.
"Do you guys have girlfriends?" Louise interrupted whatever they had been spouting to each other from her left and right.
"You're funny, Louise," one of them commented, which was kind of sad, but Louise had known the answer before she asked the question.
"Would one of you like to pretend to be my boyfriend for the day?"
They stretched around her head to look at each other. It was a strained silence that made Louise regret proposing the idea more and more as each second ticked by.
"That would throw off our symmetry," Ollie informed her.
"Unless you have a twin, Louise," Andy chimed in.
"Ooh! Do you have a secret twin, Louise?"
"You're my friends and I like you, but you're terrible. You're both terrible." Louise struggled to continue with this awful plan. "What if we just do like we are right now? How's that? You can both be my boyfriend and everything will be completely symmetrical. Does that work?"
The boys agreed to her request and they were officially pretending to date until the end of the day. Even sooner than that, Louise hoped. As the bell rang for class the three exited the cafeteria and dodged hallway traffic, snaking their way through the school to Logan's classroom. From her position around the corner, Louise could see Logan outside his door. He leaned against the wall, looking at his phone, not really monitoring the students.
"Okay," Louise turned to the twins, "This is it. You know what to do. If you screw this up, I will cut you!"
"That sounds fun," Andy cheered.
"We didn't know you were into that," Ollie agreed.
Note to self: they're either creepier or kinkier than I thought.
"No, not in a sexy way. You're only pretending to be my boyfriends," she reminded them.
Go time!
The three advanced from behind the corner toward Logan. She firmly grasped each of their hands, going so far to lace fingers. The illusion was complete so long as Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumb kept their mouths shut.
"Hey, Mr. Bush," Louise stretched out his name to bring attention to the fact she wasn't just calling him Logan anymore. After all, they weren't that close. Calling him by his first name was too affectionate. Had to be cold and distant if she was going to make him jealous. Logan looked up from his phone to see the bunch holding hands in front of him while other students whizzed by in the hallway.
"What are you three doing?" he said with a raised eyebrow.
"Oh, you know, just going to class," Louise said, trying to fake nonchalance.
"And you're holding hands becauseā¦"
"This?" Louise lifted her right hand attached to Ollie's. "This is just what you do when you're going out with boys. Meet my new boyfriends, Andy and Ollie."
Logan looked at her suspiciously. "You're datingā¦both of them?"
"Of course. Twins are like the jackpot, am I right?" Andy had his head turned and was picking his nose while Andy just stared blankly at Logan.
"Riiiiight," Logan was sorely at a loss of words for what he was witnessing. Whatever new prank Louise had come up with, he didn't get it.
At that moment, the tardy bell rang and Logan gave a weak shrug. "I'd give you three a tardy slip if I wasn't so lazy. You'd better get to class before another teacher catches you. I'll see you this afternoon, Louise. And just like that, he turned around and walked into his classroom.
"Did it work?" Andy asked excitedly.
"Did what work," Ollie responded.
"No," Louise sighed. She shook her hands free and took a step forward before turning to the two of them. "I have some bad news, honeys. I think we should see other people."
One of them started sniffling. Then, the other. In a flash they were holding each other and babbling incoherently. Louise caught one line in the blubbering as one of them announced, "Our first break up!"
