Author's note: Warning – really long chapter ahead! Haha Also, there's a time jump here, but don't worry all important events are brought back on this story through flashbacks, as I suppose you guys have noticed, and this chapter is no exception. I know, I know there has been a lot of angst and, I'm not gonna lie, there's more on the way, but I know exactly where I'm going with this story, trust me, and I hope you guys will be as happy with it as I am. Things will start unraveling soon and I can't wait for you to read it! Thank you so much for the reviews, I love reading your thoughts, it is one of the best parts about writing this fanfic. So please, please let me know what you think, your opinions are everything! I hope you enjoy this chapter!


CHAPTER SEVEN: Time Ain't No Healer

I can't breathe.

That was the one thought in Riley's head as her eyes shot open. For a couple terrifying seconds she feared she was drowning. However, as her blurred vision found back some focus Riley recognized the familiar fairy lights dangling over her bed. She sat up startled, trying to even her breathing only to find Maya staring at her, an empty bucket in her hands.

"What the hell?" She shouted, looking down at her soaked clothes and mattress.

"Morning, Sunshine." Her best friend wore a delighted evil smirk, which along with the sarcasm dripping from her voice only made Riley angrier "You might wanna get up and change, Josh will be here in twenty and I don't think your parents will appreciate the new look."

Suddenly realization hit her. Family brunch. Riley jumped up and ran to the bathroom, she could be mad at Maya later. Right now, number one priority was to make herself look minimally presentable for her parents and her smudged mascara clearly wasn't helping her case. So she dived into the shower and removed her makeup as best and fast as she could, rushing back to the room to try and find something to wear. Lucky for Riley, Maya had an outfit picked out for her already.

"What time did you arrive last night?" Her voice was serious as she handed the brunette a pair of jeans and a blouse.

"Are you for real?" She snatched the clothes from Maya's grip.

"Riles..."

"Don't know, Mom." She snapped, turning away from the blonde.

"Okay, then how did you get home?" As silence filled the space between them, Maya grew even more frustrated "Riley! I'm serious! Talk to me!"

"I don't know, ok?" She replied irritated, putting on the blouse "I was with Chris, he must have dropped me off, I just… can we not do this right now?"

Riley could tell Maya was worried and she knew her friend had the right to be, but for some reason she couldn't bring herself to apologize. Instead, she walked past her and back to the bathroom, she had a hair crisis to avert and less than ten minutes to do it.

"You can't even remember how you… ok, this needs to stop." She stood by the doorframe, her eyes locked on Riley's through the mirror.

"Maya…"

"I'm serious! This isn't like you!" Maya's crossed arms and knitted brows matched her warning tone as she took two steps closer to her friend.

"Stop! Just stop okay?" Riley yelled, slamming the hairbrush against the counter and turning around to face the blonde "So I got drunk, big deal! I got home safe, everything is fine, just drop it! My head hurts like hell, I feel like throwing up my guts and I'm about to put on a happy face for my parents when really all I want to do is sleep this freaking hangover off, so I really don't need you to judge me right now!"

"I'm not judging, Riley, I'm worrying myself sick over you! This is the third time you do this, you go out, you don't tell anyone where you're headed and then spend the night drinking yourself senseless! I understood it the first time, when Lucas… well, when that happened. But now…" Finally, Maya's expression seemed to soften as she drifted off, studying the way Riley's lips turned into a thin line at the mere mention of his name.

"You're freaking out over nothing." Riley's voice suddenly lacked any kind of emotion. She turned back to the mirror, pulling her hair up in a ponytail "And I do tell people where I'm going. I just said I was with Chris last night."

"Of course you were." Maya mumbles, rolling her eyes.

"Look, just because you're jealous I'm friends with him doesn't mean…"

"That's not what this is about and you know it." Maya cut her sharply "It's been two years, Riley. I've done my best to be there for you, to be a supportive friend, but I can't help if you won't let me. You're shutting me out, time and again! I feel like I don't even know you anymore! And I don't know what you think you're doing or what you're looking for in order to move on, but I sure as hell know you won't find it on the bottom of a red solo cup."

Riley was speechless as she stared at her best friend through the mirror. Maya's eyes were tired and distant, worse, they were hurt. I'm worrying myself sick over you. It was true, she could hear it in her voice, see it painted all over her face. For the first time since waking up Riley felt truly guilty.

She was never quite the drinker. She would have a drink or two whenever she went to a party with Maya, Josh or Chris and sometimes a glass of wine with her parents on special occasions. Riley Matthews was a fixer at her core and she wasn't one to turn to vodka for comfort or tequila for advice, no, she worked through problems; she solved them. Well everyone's problems but her own. Those she mostly ignored, as if pretending they didn't exist would eventually have them vanished. However, every September, on this one particular night she failed to convince herself of such act. On such dreadful autumn evening, Riley found alcohol to be the only thing that came anywhere near close easing her pain. So she drank. One night a year she allowed herself to get drunk enough to forget, even if for just a few hours, the horrible secret she'd been carrying around in her heart for the last two years and its painful consequences.

Oddly enough, the most mortifying night of the whole year for Riley was probably one of the happiest to her best friend. God, she still recalled waking up the morning he left…

- x -

Riley felt like crap. As she rolled out of bed and crawled to the bathroom, the brunette was a hundred percent sure she had never felt quite this miserable in her entire life. She sat on the cold tiles for what felt like eternity, embraced to the toilet, wondering through her hazy state of mind how could she have hit rock bottom so fast and suddenly. When all of her stomach contents had been flushed away, she forced herself to get up and shower.

Riley spent the day alone, locked in the room, fighting a losing battle against all thoughts Lucas, the pain in her chest growing stronger by the second the more sober she felt. As Riley replayed the previous night, over and over again, she knew there were some missing pieces to the puzzle, but the main image remained painfully clear in her head. She left the party with every intention of meeting Lucas. Even if just to see him one last time before he left. Maybe he wasn't as mad anymore, maybe they could still be friends, maybe Lucas had thought things through and understood A&M was the best thing for him.

Soon enough, she found her feet planted on the sidewalk before his building as Riley looked up to Lucas's room. It was nearly 3am and the lights were still on, the boxes pilling on the other side of the glass, blocking most of his window. A tear escaped her eyes as the reality of it all settled in… she couldn't do it. She couldn't put both of them through that suffering for nothing; she couldn't talk to him and risk ruining everything. Even worse, she couldn't risk hurting Lucas any further. So she thought to herself one last quiet farewell and turned around.

Still inebriated from a mix of alcohol and emotion, Riley wasn't too sure where she was headed or what she was doing until she was well into her fourth shot of tequila on a random club downtown and by then it was too late. From the remaining of that night she vaguely recalled getting a cab, falling on her bed and crying herself to sleep.

Her next memory is waking up to the sunrays on her face the next morning, her heartbeat immediately quickening its pace as she reached for her phone to check the time. 8:13 am. He was gone. She felt a salty tear roll down her cheek to her lips, soon followed by many more, her whole body aching as she sobbed against the pillow. She couldn't get up, she couldn't eat, she could barely breathe through the pain in her chest. Riley wanted nothing more than for that terrible day to end and yet time went by impossibly slowly. She was left alone with her thoughts and memories until sunset, when Maya came through the door with a beaming smile.

"Man, I love college!" She announced walking in, still in her dress from last night, only with an additional plaid shirt over it "You're never gonna believe it, but the craziest thing happened last night!"

"Yeah?" Riley whispered, wiping her tears away, unable to put on a smile. She sat down on the bed, thankful that Maya seemed too blinded with bliss and too busy getting rid of her outfit and makeup to notice her poor mood.

"Ok, so after I beat him on beer pong for, I don't know, the billionth time, Josh said he had a special place to show me. So he took me to the roof and for the first time the whole night there wasn't anyone around. We sat there and talked for hours and it wasn't just that, Riles, he was looking at me unlike anyone ever did before. It was like we were seeing each other, really seeing each other, for the first time. Then the sun started to come up and he was silent all of a sudden, and I mean absolutely and completely mute, just staring blankly ahead for minutes straight, so I asked him what was wrong and he said" Maya brought her hands to her face and took a deep breath as if to compose herself, her never wavering grin growing even bigger with the memory "He said he was trying to gather up the courage to do something he had waited for what felt like a lifetime to do."

"Oh my God." Riley's eyes widened "So you…?"

"We kissed!" She giggled like a kid, shaking her head as if she couldn't believe it herself "And it was everything I could have dreamed of and more! You know, the two of us all alone, the sun rising behind us and, God, I'm not exactly a hopeless romantic, but it was perfect, Riley. It was like everything suddenly made sense, all the years and the waiting fell into perspective, like they meant something, they were worth it. And then…"

"And then?" She willed Maya to continue.

"He asked me if I remembered the promise we made on the Ski Lodge. And of course I said yes. So he said and I quote" She closed her eyes as if to focus on reciting every word correctly "We've waited forever for our someday to come, we've both been playing the long game on our own for far too long and I don't want to waste another second so Maya Penelope Hart, if you still want me to, I would love to call you my girlfriend."

"Maya, that's… that's beautiful! I'm so happy for you!" She truly was. Riley finally managed to smile, genuinely happy for her best friend.

Seeing her like this… it brought a warmth to Riley's heart, one she now felt like a stranger to. But it wasn't simply that, Maya was different. She had been since being accepted to NYU. Maya had always had a spark, one many people missed and just as many others misjudged. But Riley had always seen something more within her, she had always believed in her, even more so than her best friend did herself. Now, as she looked at Maya, she no longer saw that weak yet promising spark, she saw more, she saw a glow unlike any other shinning behind her blue eyes. She had seen glimpses of it for a while, but it was like everything had finally fallen into place in her life and it was beautiful to witness. She had a family, she had a future, she had love. Maya, the fierce Amazon warrior whose biggest battle had always been against herself had not only found hope, she had seemingly found peace.

"It's aunt Maya from now on." The blonde said serious for a moment, before bursting into laughter and launching herself onto Riley, hugging her as tight as she could "Oh and I'm sorry I was out all day, I just really wanted to spend some time with my boyfriend. That's so weird, I get to call him boyfriend now and…" As she let go of the hug, Maya studied her best friend's features up close for the first time since walking in. A second later it downed on her. Something had happened "Riles?" Maya's voice was careful, both her hands cradling Riley's cheeks as her eyes examined every inch of the brunette's face. She had been crying "Riley, what's wrong?"

There was no point denying it. She didn't have the energy to pretend. But more than that, Riley had to say it. She had to admit it out loud. She took a shaky breath, her eyes locked on Maya's as the words she had chased out of her brain the whole day left her lips.

"It's, hum, it's Lucas. He… he took a plane this morning. He's gone."

- x -

"I just wish you would talk to me." Maya whispered, snapping Riley back to reality. The blonde simply averted her eyes, turning around and closing the bathroom door behind her.

"There's nothing to talk about." Riley whispered to herself sadly, unable to look in the mirror.

Of course there were things to talk about. The problem was Riley had no idea how to say them. Even thinking about him hurt, so if anything she wanted to forget. Still, knowing it was impossible, she was just choosing to try and ignore it. Most days she managed to get by, put on a good enough act to even fool herself that she was moving on, getting over, but sometimes… I was just too much.

She knew she was shutting Maya out and part of her hated it. However this other part knew she needed this to survive life without Lucas. Hell, she did it to everybody, Josh, Farkle, Zay, Izzy and virtually anyone else that played a role in her relationship with Lucas. Even her bond with her parents had suffered in the process. She knew by closing herself up from them she was jeopardizing some of the most important relationships in her life, but Riley just didn't see another way. She had tried for almost a year to go about her life as usual, to remain perfect smiley Riley all happy and unstained, but she was no longer that girl. She wasn't sure she even knew her anymore.

Being with her friends suddenly felt like work. They were ever lasting reminders of Lucas and being around them... she was losing it. Hanging out with them and pretending it wasn't killing her, the memories of him each of them brought, meant Riley had to constantly play her character in order not to mess with their group dynamic and eventually she was too exhausted to keep the act going, which lead to Riley pulling herself out of the equation altogether.

She barely talked to Izzy or Farkle anymore, but that she could blame that on the distance, given they were always busy being Harvard's most brilliant couple. She hadn't talked to Zay in months, even though he was still in New York, though their relationship had been strained from the moment Lucas hopped on that plane to Texas and things had only deteriorated since. She saw Josh often but he was usually with Maya and third wheeling was a good way to avoid any focus on herself and her own issues, while the two love birds were too swept up in their own little world. But Maya… Maya was right there. All the time.

That was the hardest part. Lie to her best friend that she was okay or push her away when she tried to bring him up. She had long given up on making peace with her own choices, so Riley decided it was better to just try and leave the past where it should be, behind her. A task hard enough on itself and nearly impossible when your best friend is constantly rubbing it on your face. Riley knew, deep down, Maya had a point. But it hurt. And Maya's intentions, though the best in the world, were still no painkiller. Two years later and it still hurt just as much as it did then, if not worse. So yes, Riley had given up trying to fight or explain; two things Maya constantly pushed her to do. So she shut her out. Repeatedly.

But of course, Maya being Maya, she needed someone to blame, someone who wasn't Riley. So she did. She blamed Chris. She blamed the one person who Riley hadn't shut out of her life, the one she now seemed to confide in, the only one who made her look slightly more like her real best friend, not the shell of a human being hiding behind a happy mask she now shared her room with. And God, did Maya resent him for it.

"Josh's waiting outside in the car." Maya called out from the room, her voice breaking the Riley's trance yet again "We better get going."

- x -

She was doing a great job. Hiding the hangover from her parents was way easier than she thought it would be. What was really hard, however, was sitting for hours seventh wheeling her parents, Maya, Josh, Auggie and his girlfriend Ava, or wife, or whatever they were by now. Still, Riley smiled and talked when necessary, keeping just the right amount of distance from the conversation, as she had been doing for years now.

So far so good, all major awkwardness or arguments had been successfully dodged, plus she had already texted Chris instructing him to come pick her up in ten minutes tops. She knew Maya and Josh would probably want to celebrate their two year anniversary after this and she didn't want to butt in. Or maybe it was the fact today was kind of an anniversary to Riley as well, only not such a great one.

She didn't want to risk being left alone with her parents either, for she would be much more vulnerable to their 'harmless curiosity' about her life. She just had to make it through a few more minutes, if she laid low and didn't call too much attention, maybe this time she could avoid…

"So what about you, honey, any news you want to share with us?"

Of course. How naïve of her to believe for a second she would get through today without an interrogation. To anyone else this was simple small talk, anything but a loaded question. But it wasn't, it was her mother's opening to what would soon become a series of inquisitive assumptions on Riley's personal life, and love life if you will, or actually the lack of thereof.

"Well, Chris and I are working on a new project together." She answered quickly, before Topanga could elaborate on the topic. Yes, she would talk about Chris, her mother liked Chris, Chris was a good buffer.

"Really? What is it?" Her mother smiled interested, resting her chin on her hands, as Maya shifted uncomfortably by Riley's side.

"Well, you know the animal shelter he volunteers downtown? They really need some extra money to keep it going so I offered to help. I'm taking some pictures, we'll make some flyers and hopefully get people's attention. We are planning on doing a fundraiser near Thanksgiving."

"That's great! How is it coming along?" Her father chimed in, with a mouthful of mashed potatoes. Everybody else had stopped eating at least half an hour ago, but not him, oh no, not Cory Matthews. He wouldn't rest until he saw the mash gone.

"Good, it's coming along great, we're still looking into a place to hold the event, but…"

"Why don't you take the bakery?" Auggie suggested, taking a sip of his drink.

"Hum, I don't know, I hadn't thought about it. Could I?" Riley looks back at her mother, who's already nodding at her.

"Of course, dear! I love the idea and I'd be more than happy to help! I'm not opening on Thanksgiving's Eve anyway, I thought I'd give everyone a bigger break to be with their families. The space is all yours!"

"Wow, thanks, Mom! I'll talk to him about it first, but I don't see why we wouldn't take it." Riley cheered. This brunch was going way better than anticipated.

"Oh trust me, he will be over the moon with the news. I may not live with him anymore, but I'm still best friends with the guy and Chris can't shut up about that shelter to save his life. Though to be fair, lately he won't shut up about you either." Josh chuckled, raising a brow at her. Riley could feel her mother smirking from across the table, so she braced herself for it and, sure enough, a second later Topanga was back at it.

"Since we're on the topic, why is it you never bring Chris over?"

"Mom…"

"I'm just saying, he's quite literally the only person from college you ever talk about and we rarely ever see him!" There it was, the passive aggressive tone, the hidden meanings between the lines. It was like déjà-vu, why did she have to do this every time?

"I know what you're thinking, Mom. Don't go there. We're just friends."

"I'm just… I'm worried about you, baby." She admitted, a sorrowful look on her eyes.

"I know. You've made that pretty clear. But I'm fine, really." As if on cue, her phone buzzed. Riley looked down at the message, a breath of relief escaping her "It's Chris. He's downstairs, so… hum, I guess I'll see you guys later. Thanks for the brunch, it was delicious." Riley jumped from her seat, grabbing her purse by the couch and before anyone could say anything she was already at the door. She was about to leave when her gaze hovered over the calendar, reminding her yet again of what day it was. She turned around, a bittersweet smile on her face "Oh and Maya, Josh… happy anniversary."

A moment later she was outside. She flew through the doors, welcoming the cool autumn air, feeling like she could really breathe for the first time since she got out of bed. Down the steps of her parent's building Chris was waiting, resting against his car with his hands buried in his jeans, his usual smirk shinning its way to her. She didn't know how and she didn't know when, but at some point during the past two years the guy standing before her became the closest thing she had to comfort. She skipped down the steps and over to him, giving the tall man a hug he didn't hesitate on reciprocating.

"Wow, ok, someone's happy to see me!"

"You're a lifesaver. You know that, right?"

"I guess I'll take your word for it. So, what are our plans today? Red Planet Diaries reruns? Cuddle Bunnies and chill?" He mocked, earning himself an eye roll from Riley.

"Ugh, why do I ever tell you anything?" She faked frustration, chuckling along with him.

"Because we're friends and you trust me. Plus, I told you about my embarrassing kiddy ballet classes. I'd say we're even." She laughed even harder this time, that Riley Matthews genuine laugh that could quite literally end wars. Man, he loved it "Seriously though, what do you want to do?"

"Can we just drive? Go away somewhere and, I don't know, talk. I… I need to not be here today." She replied, more serious this time. He simply smiled, opening the car door for her.

"Whatever you want, little Matthews."