Mock Effect 2

Chapter 8

"A Visit to the Citadel"

INT: NORMANDY COMMAND DECK: DAY

(JANE SHEPHERD exits the elevator and approaches the Galaxy Map. She is interrupted by KELLY CHAMBERS, whose expression makes it appear like she's just completed her morning Glue Sniffing)

KELLY: Whoa, Commander! Like, I have stuff to tell you!

JANE: What now, Chambers? It can't be Tim already. We just got done doing his dirty work on Horizon. (mutters) Probably costing me my love life as well as my dignity.

KELLY: Like, you know how Jacob met you after your last conversation with Tim?

JANE: Where he wisely hid under a table?

KELLY: What? Oh no. He said he'd talked to Commander Shepard about it. Oh now I'm so confused. Which one of you is Commander Shepard?

JANE: I am. My idiot brother is presently Plumber Shepherd. (chuckles) Why? Did you forget where you left your extra brain cell?

KELLY: (Hoarse laugh) Oh Commander, you're soooooo funny! Like, that was hilarious!

JANE: Enough. What do you want?

KELLY: Like… I have a ton of messages for you. Garrus wants to see you with fire in his eyes, Grunt is having like a bad hair day or something, Jack's got bugs in her head and oh darn it I forgot…

JANE: Wait, what? Grunt doesn't have hair, Nothing bit Jack on Collectorville, and Garrus WHAT?

KELLY: Like, I'm just telling you what they told me. Because I'm a Psychiatrist and everything. I think. Or am I Psychic? OH MY GOD! I forgot some! Like Jacob is all mopey about his dad or something, Miranda says we need to stop at Asariland, and Mordin wants to go back to Tuchunky.

JANE: Mordin what? No. Hold on. (hands Kelly a clipboard) Go around with this clipboard and let each of them write down what it is they need and where it is, and I'll get to it when I get to it. Right now I need to see the Three Stooges about a way out of this.

(Walking up to the cockpit, she directs Joker to land the Normandy 2.0 at the Citadel. Taking advantage of the new shuttle, she takes JOHN, GARRUS, and having no other choice: MIRANDA. The team walks to the new security screening. JANE starts to remove her weapons)

INT: CITADEL: ZAKHERA WARD: DAY

GUARD: Oh that won't be necessary Ma'am. We'll just pass you through this bio-scanner and you'll be free to go.

JANE: Um… ok. Isn't that rather impractical? I mean, how do you know I'm not here to blow the place up?

GUARD: Oh you wouldn't do that Ma'am. That fellow beside you with the scars might, but if he's with you I don't mind. Now if you'll just step through the scanner…

MIRANDA: If this picture ends up on the extranet, I'll see you transferred to Akuze!

(The GUARD looks her skin-tight suit up and down)

GUARD: I wouldn't dream of it, ma'am. Besides judging by that outfit, I would estimate there are plenty out there already… (Checks JANE's Feed then JOHN's then does a double take). Ma'am? How? This makes no sense! It says you're dead. And that you're the hero who saved the citadel, but the dead part is what caught my eye.

JANE: You would not believe how often I get that these days … (glares at Miranda)

GUARD: Hmm.. well this is above my pay grade. I'd better let you go on through. If you feel like it, talk to my boss, he might be willing to help you. Sometimes he's listening to music in his head and doesn't know you're there for a minute.

JANE: So… you're going to let us through security, just like that? Let us keep our guns and not question our obviously flawed records and walk onto a space station with billions of innocents on it? You people really have stepped up security.

GARRUS: That's what I keep saying about C-sec, no responsibility…

GUARD: NOT YOU AGAIN! I thought we sent you away to a mob planet… How did you? I have to go on break now. Go talk to my boss if you want to.

(JANE & Crew walk through and into the local C-sec office. Sitting at a desk belting out orders into a telephone, a hardened man practices his weary cop look, then acknowledges them)

COP: Name's Bailey. What do you want?

GARRUS: Captain Bailey! I thought you'd more pleased to see me!

(The CAPTAIN's eyes widen, but aside from this his expression doesn't change)

BAILEY: Welcome back Garrus. (To JANE) Short visit, I hope?

JANE: Well, I don't know. I have to see about doing something about this "dead" status for me and my brother. Which agency should we go to see?

BAILEY: Well, you'll need to go to security hq. And then to customs and immigration. You probably also ought to go to the treasury. Each of them will have lame minor tasks for you to do, and if you do them all, then you get permission to do what you want on the station. It's called a door quest, and it's a bane of RPG's but you gotta do what you gotta do.

GARRUS: Oh, I know where all of those are, let's get started. This'll only take two weeks. That's nothing. I remember this one guy at C-sec who was stuck in the terminal for almost a year!

(A horrified look quickly crosses BAILEY's face.)

BAILEY: Or I could just hit this button right here.

JANE: That would be much appreciated, Captain.

BAILEY: Nothing at all, nothing at all. You probably should head up to the Presidium and talk to the Council at some point, though.

JANE: Wow. I can carry my huge guns onto the presidium with some obviously bad ID, AND I can get an appointment with the Council? If only I were a working for a terrorist organization, this could be a dream come true.

BAILEY: Yeah, yeah, go away, the music is starting again.

(BAILEY's feature freeze and JANE suddenly notices that JOHN is no longer with them. She hurries forward to find him. He's standing at a counter arguing with a clerk.)

JOHN: Fine, you won't give me a discount, I'll make sure you don't have any more business today! (Steps outside and shouts) THIS STORE IS MEAN TO POOR PEOPLE! THEY DON'T APPRECIATE THE MILITARY!

RANDOM BYSTANDER: WHO CARES? THEY SELL FISH!

(JANE quickly approaches the scene and grabs JOHN'S ear)

JANE: JOHN! Stop it right now! Apologize to the lady.

JOHN: (mutters) Sorry. (To JANE) But she started it!

JANE: Doesn't matter. Miss, is there any chance I can help smooth this over? Perhaps an endorsement from Commander Shepard of the Normandy?

CLERK: Hmm. Fine. Speak into the mike. Want to buy a fish?

JANE: Do I have to feed it?

CLERK: Unless you can talk an airhead into doing it for you.

JANE: Too much effort. I'll pass. (Speaks into mike) "I'm Commander Shepard and this is my favorite store in the citadel."

CLERK: It'll do. Keep that jerk under wraps.

JANE: I can certainly try. Come on people!

(They proceed across the room, where JANE looks for a map and is startled to hear a voice calling her name. She looks around, but no one is approaching, and her companions are mute. Her eyes finally light on an advertisement nearby them)

JANE: What on earth?

AD: Welcome Commander Shepard. Enter your password for a free gift!

JANE: What on earth? I don't have a password. Wow, Spam just keeps getting worse, it can now identify you by name!

MIRANDA: Silence is Golden

AD: Password Accepted. Nice to meet you Commander Shepard. Kasumi Goto. I'm a fan.

JANE: Very nice. A friendly robot spam machine. I thought AI were illegal. (Looks at Miranda) Except for when we do it. What was that you said?

KASUMI: No no no. I'm a new team member. I'm just using this machine to check you out. You seem legit. Though with this amount of money, I don't think I'd be all that picky.

JANE: What, no urgent quests?

KASUMI: Now that you mention it, I did have one little errand…

JANE: I thought you might. I don't want to hear about it now, I have enough to do.

KASUMI: But The Illusive Man Promised!

JANE: Timmy promises a lot of crap he can't deliver. Tell you what. When you get on board, talk to the redhead with the vacant expression on her face and ask to write down your side mission on the clipboard. I'll get to it when I get to it.

KASUMI: You don't even want to know what it is?

JANE: Let me guess, it goes like this. You need me to risk my life to get something/kill someone/resolve past relationship issues with someone who is mad with power/backstabber/all around bad guy?

KASUMI: Wow, how did you know?

JANE: Lucky guess.

KASUMI: Well, see you on the ship then! Where should I sleep?

JANE: Try the starboard side crew deck. It's the one with the bar in it.

JOHN: Hey, that's where my stuff is!

JANE: Tough luck. Move across the hall. You with a hangover every morning is not something we need.

(JOHN grumbles as KASUMI leaves. He perks up when they approach another sales booth)

JANE: How are you today? I'm Commander Shepard and I'm interested in what you have for sale.

JOHN: And can we have a discount?

CLERK: Good morning, Commander, I'm glad to see you here, but I can't offer any sales with these items. You see, the money primarily goes to fund research into genetic diseases.

JANE: Oh it does? Well in that case, we'll buy our things at full price then. And do you accept donations? At the very least, I can record an endorsement for you!

JOHN: So this means no discount then?

JANE: "This is Commander Shepard and this is my favorite store on the Citadel… really!"

CLERK: Here are your purchases. Thank you very much!

(As they walk away, they are approached by a familiar face. KHALISA BIN SINT AL-JILANI shoves a microphone in their face and starts asking questions.)

AL-JILANI: Already picking blatant favorites among Citadel Merchants, Commander Shepard? What do you think the public will say to your newfound commercialism?

(JANE punches her in the face)

JANE: You know Johnny, you were right. That did feel good.

JOHN: Told you. Now prop her up so I can do it again!

JANE: Nah, she's out. But now my knuckles hurt.

JOHN: (Sagely) You get used to it.

JANE: We had better get up to the council then. I wonder where Captain Anderson sits. We should pop in to see him first. Any objections?

(Hearing none, she calls a taxi, and they enter a TIME WARP, appearing next directly in the human ambassadorial suite beside COUNCILOR ANDERSON. He's speaking with the Holograms of the Council, and they don't appear to have changed much. MOE the SALARIAN is dozing, CURLY the ASARI is looking on disapprovingly, And LARRY the TURIAN and the AMBASSADOR are bickering.)

INT:CITADEL:PRESIDIUM:HUMAN COUNCILOR'S OFFICE

JANE: Ah it's good to be home. Any minute now Moe will wake up and say something insensible.

MOE: (Wakes up, blinks) We've heard a lot of disturbing rumors about you Shepard. I swear, some of this fanfiction is downright insulting! (Resumes snoring)

CURLY: We've had to dose his coffee even further. He started coming up with his own ideas. But he's right; we have heard some disturbing rumors of your working with Terrorists.

LARRY: What do you have to say to that, Huh, Shepard?

JANE: Who saved whose ass here? Who saved the Citadel? Was it you, Councilor? No, I believe you were doing the Turian Tiptoe off to your ship, while I was using miniature mass relays and fighting off pitiful villains to save the day. And then when you found you weren't tiptoeing fast enough, I sacrificed my people to get you morons to safety. Yes, we've been working with Cerberus. But I didn't notice you putting billions of credits out to bring me back from the dead. Or investigating possible genocidal attacks out in the Terminus Systems!

LARRY: You were a paragon, you couldn't help saving us. You didn't have most of the cooler renegade options. And it's their fault for moving out there anyway. "Land of Opportunity" they say. "Load of Loonies", I say. Next you tell us it was those sentient machines again.

MIRANDA: Reapers. They sound a lot like Unicron, look a lot like Shrimp?

LARRY: Ah yes "Reapers." We have dismissed that claim. Personally, I think it sounds like you had too much ryncol and had to explain why someone set off a nuke that destroyed thousands of innocent Krogan. Sort of like that Hangover vid, only with many more delusions.

JOHN: Duuude. That would have been so awesome. But no. I would remember a hangover that epic.

JANE: Do you even listen to yourselves? 'We have dismissed that claim'? Um, hello, giant attack on the citadel? Or the ancient hologram on Ilos? Or maybe, perhaps, the testimony of the people who saved you from a nasty death?

ANDERSON: Actually, no one believes you Shepard. Even I have severe doubts, and I'm a sympathetic character. The hologram quit working after it talked to you, the Geth were obviously attacking the Citadel, and well John was in command of your crew at the time the Virmire mission took place. A drunken spectacle wouldn't have been anything unexpected.

JOHN: Up high! Down low! Too Slow!

ANDERSON: Rebuilding hasn't done him any good, has it?

JANE: Well, he can remember which bathroom is the men's now. Of course, EDI's popping up out of the toilet the first time he got confused probably scared that bit of sanity back into play. But take my word for it. The evil sentient machines out there are real and they are coming to get us!

(Crickets)

JANE: Come on guys! Back me up here!

GARRUS: Hey don't look at me. You only took me on the one mission, the rest of the time I was flat on my back.

MIRANDA: The Illusive Man said it was the reapers, so it's the reapers.

JOHN: I wonder if the Consort's busy today…

JANE: Great, thanks guys. The only support I get is from a terrorist sycophant.

CURLY: Now don't get out of sorts, Commander Shepard, we're going to offer some insignificant platitudes in exchange for your saving our lives.

JANE: You know what? Screw this. I'm going with the renegade option here. Take your insignificant platitudes and shove them (Extensive explanation of locale and methods of said shoving have been redacted to maintain a sensible rating on this story. Note: it is impossible to do much practical demonstration on a hologram)

LARRY: If you are quite finished?

CURLY: And she looked so calm when we permanently promoted her!

MOE: (Snores)

(The Holograms vanish, whilst Ambassador Anderson and the team slowly stare at JANE, except for JOHN, who is looking carefully over the balcony, measuring the distance between the suite and the Consort's Chambers)

ANDERSON: (Cough) Well… that could have gone better. You never had that temper when I was your Captain.

JOHN: Yes she did. She just aimed it at me. I still have nightmares. Can I be Commander now? I'm tired of plumbing. My first rule would be a less formal dress code. Starting with you, Miranda!

ANDERSON: Now there's no need to be so hasty! We all know the Council is about as effective as decaffeinated coffee. So long as you stay out of their way, you're unlikely to have pissed them off enough to do anything to you.

JANE: It's not like I have a choice anyway. In a really freaky way, the Illusive Man has control of my ship.

(They are interrupted by administrative assistant UDINA)

UDINA: Anderson! Have I expressed my deep and utter loathing for you today?

ANDERSON: No I don't believe you have. But while you're here, let's get the 'revenge on Commander Shepard' speech out of the way at the same time, shall we? I'm sure she's eager to hear it.

JANE: Sounds delightful. Why haven't you fired him yet?

ANDERSON: Those idiots at Bioware signed a three game contract with his voice talent. He's even in the downloadable content. I mostly just tune him out.

JANE: I once used a simpler method.

ANDERSON: I attempted that, but after a few times, my hand really started hurting. Bastard's got a tough jaw.

UDINA: (Smirking) Yes I do. Now what is Shepard doing here? I don't imagine it's anything good.

JANE: Nope. As a matter of fact Udina, I was here to seek the Council's help in working with terrorists to investigate the imminent threat of the killer machines from outer space. (UDINA gapes) Oh don't worry; they didn't take me up on it. They offered me some vague nonsense, and I told them where they could put it.

JOHN: It was quite descriptive.

GARRUS: She even included some obscure parts of Turian Anatomy…

MIRANDA: I think I saw the Asari Ambassador's ears turn red, but that could have been just the Hologram.

UDINA: WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? I'll be in my office trying to prevent the Turian fleet from wiping out Earth! (Runs away at top speed)

JANE: I think I would have told him that even if I had taken them up on it! (Laughing, then serious) Though now that I think on it, he might have a point…

ANDERSON: I wouldn't worry too much. Larry would have to drag them away from their fight clubs to get a war started.

(JANE and ANDERSON approach the balcony. Whilst still talking, JANE grabs JOHN as he starts to climb off and hauls him back inside. He grumbles something about wet blankets and pouts in the corner.)

JANE: So… when were you going to tell me you were investigating me and Cerberus? Sending Carth and Ashley? Really? Have you never heard of e-mail? Or calling? All I got was the one "Are you alive?" note.

ANDERSON: Uh … er… Did I mention the recovery is going well? The keepers are doing most of the work though. Millions of people on this station, but strangely none of them are contractors.

JANE: Hmm. Fine. No answer there. Just tell Carth we need to talk.

ANDERSON: Should I give Ashley a message too?

JOHN: Tell her I hate poetry.

ANDERSON: Right, no message then. So I assume you'll be off and not come back?

JANE: Will you have anything else to say?

ANDERSON: Nope.

JANE: Then probably not.

INT: CITADEL:ZAKHERA WARD:EVENING

(They wander towards the shuttle and are approached by yet another vendor)

CLERK: Commander Shepard? I'm so glad to see you! You're a hero!

JANE: Shhh! They'll hear you. I didn't know they allowed people that liked me on this station!

CLERK: But you're the person who saved it, that allows it to still be here today?

JANE: You'd be surprised…

JOHN: Any chance we could get a discount?

CLERK: Sure. You can have the employee discount! Anything for you guys!

(JANE thanks the clerk, tactfully ignoring the "Everyone gets employee pricing!" ad in the background. Finally arriving back on the Normandy, she finds her controls locked out again)

INT:NORMANDY COMMAND DECK: NIGHT

JANE: TIM! (KHAN Scream...)