"Addison, are you ready to go?" Derek shouted up the stairs, looking down at his watch.
"Almost!" she yelled back.
"You know Mom's not going to be happy if we're late for church," he sighed.
"I know," she rolled her eyes as she made her way down the stairs. "But Mark's not even here yet."
"Oh," Derek breathed. "Mark's not coming."
"What?" Addison frowned, her head snapping up to meet his from where she was digging around in her bag.
"He called while you were in the shower," Derek sighed. "Said the girl he was seeing just dumped him. He isn't in the mood to handle the family."
"Oh," Addison nodded slowly. "Okay."
"Did you know he was seeing anyone?" Derek asked. "And really…who breaks up with someone two days before Christmas?"
"I don't know," Addison whispered.
"You okay?" he asked, taking in her injured expression.
"Yeah," she said, looking up with a smile and reaching to squeeze his hand. "Just… worried about him."
"He's a big boy," Derek shrugged, reaching for his bag. "Let's go."
They silently made their way to the sidewalk, where he'd parked the car they rarely used, unless they were going out of the city. He tossed the bags into the trunk and Addison slid into the passenger seat, her heart pounding.
She'd felt extreme feelings of guilt after Derek had come home from his day shopping with Meredith. And although she'd spent the majority of that day in bed with Mark, she still couldn't find the words to tell her husband what was happening between the two of them.
So she'd ended it. The night before, when Derek had been stuck in surgery Mark had come over with flowers and a bottle of wine. But she'd told him that they couldn't see each other anymore, that if she was really going to try to work things out with her husband, she couldn't be sleeping with his best friend.
But she hadn't expected him to look so hurt or not spend Christmas with the family that had become his own over the years. Now she wasn't even sure what to do or how to deal with her own feelings of loss.
She hadn't been expecting to feel so…dead inside. She was married, she was married to a wonderful man and he didn't deserve to be lied to. He had done everything she'd asked him to in order to make their marriage work, and this was what she had to do in order to make herself happy with Derek.
"Alright," he smiled as he pulled the car onto the busy New York street. "Let's do this."
Addison smiled as she rested her head against the back of her seat, looking at him carefully. He was a really good man, and she wasn't sure how things had gotten so bad between them. But now they were working on things. She'd broken things off with Mark, and he was spending less time with Meredith, respecting her wishes. So things would get better. As soon as she could get Mark Sloan out of her mind.
"Do you think he's going to be okay?" she asked softly.
"Who, Mark?" Derek frowned. "You know…I really don't know. In all the time I've known him, he's never dated only one girl. And now I didn't even know that he was dating anyone, but I've never heard him that torn up. I think he was really dedicated to the relationship."
"Oh," Addison nodded slowly. She wasn't sure what she was supposed to say. What a woman was supposed to do when her husband's best friend was depressed…she had no idea how to act normally, because this wasn't normal. Mark was depressed because she had broken up with him, and now he wasn't even comfortable spending Christmas with his family.
"You're quiet," Derek observed after a few moments.
"Just…savoring the silence," Addison smiled softly. "It's not going to last much longer."
Derek laughed. "Shepherds are definitely not known for being quiet," he said. "Especially when we're congregated."
"You're right about that," Addison sighed, looking at him carefully. They loved Christmas, it was their thing. But this year, she couldn't find herself excited about it. Derek was excited, she could tell. He always loved going back to Long Island to his childhood home, but she couldn't get excited about it this year. She didn't know if it was the loudness that followed the Shepherds wherever they went or the constant presence of the kids…she really didn't know. But Christmas with the Shepherds was pretty much the last thing she wanted to do right now.
"Here we are," Derek smiled as he pulled into the familiar driveway. "You ready for this?"
"Of course," Addison sighed, pushing her door open and pulling herself out of the car. She could do this. She had to do this.
"Uncle Derek! Uncle Derek!"
They hadn't even made it to the trunk to grab their bags before there were kids already running out of the house.
"Hey!" her husband laughed, and a smile cross his face as he knelt to the ground, laughing loudly as he allowed three of the kids to tackle him onto the ground, snow covering his jacket. "What is this, time to tackle Uncle Derek?"
The kids laughed as they climbed all over him, dumping snow in his hair and rolling around in the snow with him. She watched for a moment before she sighed and turned to the trunk, grabbing her own bag and making her way towards the pathway, trying to balance her high heels on the icy driveway.
"Well, you look like a million dollars," Nancy stated from the porch.
"Don't ask," Addison rolled her eyes.
"It's been awhile," Nancy said, reaching out to hug her tightly. "How are you?"
"I'm alright," Addison sighed. "Been pretty busy."
"So I've heard," Nancy said as Addison followed her into the house. "Kath says you and Derek are having some problems."
Addison rolled her eyes. "Well, I'm glad that the entire family knows about our marriage troubles," she said.
"Hey, I'm just repeating what I heard," Nancy defended. "What's going on, Addie?"
"I don't know," Addison shrugged. "Can we…upstairs? Before everyone is everyone, do you think we could talk for a little while?"
"Sure," Nancy said. "Leave your suitcase by the door, Derek will get it."
Addison silently climbed the stairs in front of Nancy, pushing the door to Derek's old bedroom open and standing uncomfortably in the doorway for a moment. She always felt awkward in Derek's room, as if they were still in high school and she was sneaking around with him. Plus the room boasted the personality of a man that she really didn't know anymore, and it frightened her.
"So what's going on?" Nancy asked, dropping onto the bed. "And where's Markie?"
"Mark's…his girlfriend broke up with her," Addison said.
"Mark had a girlfriend?" Nancy raised her eyebrows.
"Apparently," Addison sighed. She collapsed onto the bed beside Nancy, staring up at the ceiling.
"So what's going on with you and Derek?" Nancy asked.
Addison shrugged as she reached for a pillow, playing with the edges of it as she thought for a moment. "I don't know," she said. "After the whole baby thing, we just completely shut down. And now neither of us know where we are."
"Are you talking about it?"
"We went to the Hamptons a couple weeks ago," Addison said softly. "And we talked, but I'm not sure if it helped us or hurt us."
"Why would it hurt you?" Nancy frowned.
"Because," Addison paused, taking a deep breath. She and Nancy were good friends, she'd met Derek through his sister. But she was Derek's sister, and she couldn't tell Nancy the entire story. Because Shepherds stood up for one another, and she wasn't sure she could handle Derek's house without Nancy's support. "Neither one of us know if we're in love with each other anymore."
Nancy was silent for a long moment before she shifted to sit up. Addison met her sister in law's eyes as she leaned over her, and after a moment Nancy asked, "You fell out of love with my brother?"
"I don't know," Addison sighed. "I love him, Nance. He's a great man, and we've had so much fun together. But now…now I don't know if we're in love anymore."
Nancy sighed as she glanced at the ceiling. "Marriage is hard, Addison," she stated.
"Thanks, Nance," Addison rolled her eyes, pushing herself off of the bed. "So glad that you could help."
"I'm not trying to be sarcastic," Nancy said. "It's true. And you have to work. Derek loves you, I know he does. You two are good together, and maybe you're in a rut right now, but you can work things out."
"You really think so?" Addison asked.
"If you both want to."
Addison sighed as she leaned back into the pillows. "That's the problem," she whispered. "I don't know if we want to."
XXXXX
A wide smile spread across Derek's face as he walked through the back door to his mom's house, his niece Kirsten in his arms, several other children pouring in behind him. He'd spent a good hour playing with them in the snow, and although his good overcoat was now covered in mud and his hair was a mess, he didn't care.
Because he was home.
"Let me down, Uncle Derek!" Kirsten cried.
Derek laughed as she squirmed in his arms. "What if I want to cuddle with my favorite six year old?"
"I gotta go potty!" Kirsten cried.
"Fine," he sighed dramatically. "But I think I need a kiss first."
Kirsten giggled as she leaned in, pressing a sloppy kiss to his cheek before he set her on the ground. He laughed as he watched her run after her cousins, and a moment later his mother entered the kitchen. "Derek," she smiled as he shrugged out of his coat, hanging it on the hook by the door. "I didn't hear you come in."
"I was outside with the kids," he said as he hugged his mother tightly. "It's good to see you, Mom."
"You too, sweetheart," she said, holding him tightly. "Where's Addie?"
"She ran off with Nancy," Derek sighed, pulling out of his mother's arms to move towards the fridge.
"The two of them had always had a special bond," Carolyn nodded slowly, settling herself on a stool at the counter. "How are the two of you doing?"
"We're fine," Derek replied automatically.
"Really?" Carolyn raised her eyebrows. "Because when I was in the city in October and had dinner with the two of you, you barely said two words to each other."
"Mom," Derek sighed, pouring a beer into a glass. "We're fine."
"Okay," Carolyn said. "Your nieces and nephews have been very excited to see the two of you."
"They should be," Derek laughed. "We have the best presents."
"Don't be arrogant," Carolyn chastised. "Now what is this nonsense I hear about Mark not coming?"
"I guess he was seeing someone," Derek shrugged. "She broke up with him, he didn't feel like being around the chaotic Shepherd family Christmas this year."
"Poor Mark," Carolyn shook her head. "That boy really needs to settle down."
Before Derek could say anything else, Nancy and Addison appeared in the doorway. He smiled as he stood to greet his sister. "Hey Nance."
"Hi baby brother," she smiled, wrapping her arms around his neck. "Long time no see."
"Yeah, we've been busy," Derek sighed as he pulled back. "How are you?"
"I'm good," she nodded, glancing at Addison. "But I think the more important question is how are you?"
Derek glanced at Addison, frowning when he saw her eyes rimmed with red. "Have you been crying?" he asked.
"I'm fine, Derek."
"Okay," he said before turning back to Nancy. "I'm good. We've got this new program in the practice with Columbia where we're letting promising med school students do clinicals with us."
"That's great," Nancy said. "The practice must really be taking off."
"It is," Derek smiled. "We're doing really well, and I think Mark's practice is…"
The sound of shattering glass interrupted him, and he turned to see Addison kneeling on the floor, picking up the shards of glass that were scattered all over the floor. "I'm sorry," she sighed. "I don't…I'm sorry."
"Are you sure you're okay?" Derek frowned as he knelt down to help her clean up the glass.
"I'm sure," she sighed. "Just…tired. I'm going to go close my eyes for a few minutes before dinner."
"Are you feeling alright, dear?" Carolyn asked.
"I'm fine, Carolyn," Addison sighed, replacing the lid on the trash can. "I'm just tired. I'll be down later."
Derek watched his wife disappear up the stairs, wondering exactly what was going on with her. As he turned to ask his sister exactly what the two of them had talked about, he felt her hand coming into contact with the back of his head. "Ow!" he cried. "And you wonder why I don't see you more often."
"You're an ass," Nancy frowned.
"Nancy," Carolyn warned. "Be nice to your brother."
Nancy rolled her eyes as she grabbed Derek's hand, pulling him into the dining room. "Why aren't you trying with Addison?" she demanded.
"What?" Derek frowned.
"You told her you don't love her anymore?" Nancy demanded. "What the hell is wrong with you?"
"I said that I didn't know if I'm in love with her," Derek defended. "And she doesn't know either."
"She only said that because she didn't want to seem desperate if her husband fell out of love with her!" Nancy insisted.
"Look, my marriage is none of your business," Derek sighed. "We're waiting until after Christmas to talk about things."
"You and Addison are perfect together!" Nancy insisted. "What is there to even talk about?"
"We need to think about where we are, if we're still happy with each other."
"And what if you're not?" Nancy asked. "It's not like you're going to get a divorce."
Derek blinked in surprise as he looked at his sister. He hadn't really thought about what would happen if he and Addison wouldn't be able to work things out. Divorce…he never thought he'd be the one to suggest divorce. He and Addison had been so happy for so long, and then things had gone bad. But somehow he'd always thought that they would be able to work things out, he'd never even considered divorce until now. And to be perfectly honest, the idea made him a little nauseous.
Finally he shook his head and moved towards the door. "It's Christmas, Nance," he sighed. "Can we talk about this another time? Or…never?"
"Look, Addison's my sister," Nancy said. "I just want to make sure that everything's okay with you too."
"Addison's your sister because she's married to me," Derek said. "And if we want your opinion on our marriage, we'll ask for it."
"Derek," Nancy sighed. "I just…I love both of you. And I want you both to be happy."
"Thanks, Nance," Derek smiled. "We'll be okay."
"Good," Nancy said, squeezing his hand. "I think I just heard our favorite older sister pull up."
"Great," Derek sighed. He hadn't spoken with Kathleen since she'd run into him and Meredith a few weeks earlier, and he knew that if she'd told Nancy what she'd seen he would have just gotten an earful. He could only hope that the rest of his family wasn't aware of the conversation they had had in his kitchen that night. "I'm going to go check on Addie."
Nancy smiled softly. "Good job, Derbear," she said. "She just…she misses you. She wants you to be there for her."
Derek nodded. "I know," he sighed before he turned and pushed the door open, making his way up the stairs. Addison was curled up on his bed, her back facing him, and he took a deep breath before he slid onto the bed beside her. "Are you okay?" he whispered.
She was silent for a moment before she turned over to face him. "I'm sorry," she said softly. "I guess I'm just not in the Christmas spirit today."
"We love Christmas," Derek said softly.
"I know," she smiled. "I'll be myself tomorrow, I promise."
Derek sighed as he looked down at her for a moment. "How about I cheer you up with an early present?" he asked.
"Derek," she sighed. "I really…I don't need early presents. I can wait until tomorrow."
"This isn't a material gift," Derek said, reaching down to take her hand. "I need to apologize."
"Apologize?" Addison frowned.
"For not paying attention to you," Derek said. "Being caught up in work, and before that, just…for being absent. I'm sorry, Addison. And I promise that we're going to get better. Back to the way we were."
"The way we were?" Addison whispered.
"When we first got married," Derek said.
"Derek," she smiled, sitting up as a wide smile came over her face. "That's the best present that you could possibly have given me this Christmas."
"Does that mean I can return the rest of them?" Derek smiled.
"Of course not," she giggled as she leaned forward to kiss him. "Thank you."
"You're welcome," he sighed. He looked at her for a moment before he whispered, "I love you."
"Oh," Addison breathed. She looked down at her hands for a moment before she whispered, "I love you too."
The words sounded slightly hollow, but he dismissed it, attributing it to the fact that he had been over analyzing everything that she had said and done in the past week. But they were going to get back to normal, there was no way that the past ten years of their lives had been a waste.
"Are the rest of your sisters here yet?" Addison asked.
"Kath is," Derek said. "Liz probably won't be here until later, coming all the way from Maine."
"Hmm," Addison said as she slid out of bed, reaching for her suitcase and running a brush through her hair. "I'll go see if your mom needs help with dinner."
"You?" Derek raised his eyebrows.
"I cook!" Addison cried.
"Right," Derek laughed. "You might want to ask Nancy what happened to her last time you cooked."
"That was not my fault," Addison rolled her eyes. "And I'll prove it."
"If Mom lets you in the kitchen," Derek laughed.
Addison rolled her eyes before she pressed a kiss to his cheek and moved out of the room. He sighed as he leaned back into the pillows. He felt better somehow, and they would do it. They would make it back to when they were first together, when things were better.
I hope you all enjoyed this update. I know you all have some pretty strong opinions about this story, and I really value your opinion, which is why I'm going to ask for your help. I have two possible ways that I see this story going, and I can't decided which would be best. Since I don't want to ruin the story for anyone who doesn't want to be spoiled, please PM me if you want to help me decide which direction the story should go. Thanks so much for your help, and I hope you're still enjoying this story :)
