"So, he really killed Dad?" I ask quietly breaking the calm silence of space.
Mom looks up at me. We are the only two sitting in this room except for Poe carefully watching over the commander from the other side of the room. Mom and I are sitting around a table having just finished a meal. I had not realized how long it had been since I had eaten until the food was sat down in front of us.
Mom nods slowly.
I pull on my ear and nod in response.
"So," I start, "what was it like when...we were gone?"
Mom purses her lips probably working hard to find the words.
"We both just went back to what we knew best. We always loved one another, it was just...we didn't work hard to stay a team when our children were gone. So, I worked hard to build an opposition to the First Order, and Han returned to smuggling," she says leaning forward on her hand. She shakes her head, "We really thought you were dead. I am sorry. When...Han found your lightsaber left behind and cut in half, we just assumed the worst. After everything the Knights of Ren had done that night, it didn't seem hard to believe."
I look at her and find myself remembering all of the loss she has had. Her home planet was destroyed along with her adoptive family, her real mother was killed by her real father, her father died, her son turned dark, and her brother disappeared. Despite all of this, she still...fights. She still believes in what she is doing.
I reach across the table and take her hand in mine.
"I am sorry too," I say.
She opens her mouth to deny my apology's necessity.
"I am sorry that you were given this. You are brave and strong," I say firmly and shake my head, "Kylo has been made to think you are weak, and he used to make me believe that."
Mom looks at me with a tiredness in her eyes.
"I still have a lot to figure out," I say rubbing my head with my other hand. "But...something happened about a week ago that completely changed the force inside me. I cannot explain it, but before that change, I was dead. Or at least might as well have been. I want to figure this all out, and I want to learn who I really am. Am I Jax only? Or is there still some Jaina in here?"
"Either way, I will always love you," Mom says giving my hand a soft squeeze.
I believe her. And I know that she even still loves Kylo...or well, Ben.
I nod at her struggling to find the words to say that I love her back. Love. A concept that seems so distant from my understanding. But I think the fact that I would die for her, means I love her somewhere beyond my understanding.
"I...I love you too," I say, "I just need to learn exactly what that means...to love."
A soft beeping break my eye contact with Mom. I look across the room as a BB unit rolls into the room. It is talking happily to Poe who looks apologetic that the droid has interrupted our serious conversation.
"Beebee ate," Poe starts to get on to the droid.
I stand up and walk over to the droid unit. He turns and looks at me.
"BB8?" I ask the droid.
It replies with a hello in beeps.
I smile at him and bend down so I can properly look at him.
"I used to have a really good friend that was a BB unit like you. But he was green."
The droid beeps happily and then asks what happened to him.
"I let him escape when we were on a distant planet," I say quietly. "He didn't much like the hunting we did, so I let him leave and find a better life. Hopefully."
BB8 beeps sadly but then tells me that was very nice.
I nod sadly.
"That's love, Jax," Poe says quietly.
I look up at him.
"I heard you tell Commander that you want to learn what it is, I think you already know. Letting him go, that was love for your friend," Poe explains.
I nod and then smile. I turn back to BB8 and pat the side of his head.
He beeps happily saying he likes me.
I laugh, "the feeling is mutual, buddy."
I step off the transport following my mom and her posse. BB8 is right next to my feet beeping to me random facts about this planet's weather and geography.
"Do we know where Rey and Luke are?" Finn asks out loud.
Mom nods, "we received a recent scrambled communication from the marketplace in this specific village. They are hiding somewhere in the city. I am hoping that my brother will be able to tell that I have arrived."
We enter a busy marketplace. I have been in this city before. So now, I know what planet we are on.
"Dammit," I mumble.
Poe looks at me questioningly.
"I have been here before," I say softly.
"And?"
"And if Snoke sneaks into my mind again, he will know where we are," I say feeling frustrated that even this far away, he still has control over me.
"Can you keep him out?" Poe asks.
"I am most vulnerable when I am asleep," I reply.
"Well, you have to sleep."
"Maybe not, how long will we be here?" I ask.
"Not sure, a week maybe."
I nod. I have gone that long before. I use a lot of meditation to power through a week without sleep.
Poe obviously knows what I am thinking. "Hey, you can't do that."
"I can try. I'm not going to let them find me again, whatever it takes."
"Are you afraid they will kill you?"
"Worse," I shake my head. "I am afraid of what they will do to me to have me rejoin."
My brain thinks back to all of the sessions that made me a loyal Knight. All the tricks placed on my mind.
"They really can do whatever they want to your mind, can't they?" Poe asks quietly.
"That's what they did to you, right?" I ask quietly in return.
"Kylo, yeah."
"He is very well-trained in that area of the Force. That's his specialty."
"What's yours?"
"Silence."
I think about the one year of my life that I never once had to say a word.
I shake my head and change the subject.
"Sorry about tackling you earlier," I say.
"Caught me off guard, that's for sure. You're pretty strong for your height," Poe says with a smirk.
"Is that a short joke?"
"Maybe," Poe says.
I chuckle. It feels so good and actually natural to joke around with someone.
We enter a small restaurant. The owner leads us through some back hallways of this building complex.
I stop in my tracks as a yell enters my ear. I look around. Everyone continues walking as if they didn't hear it.
"BBEENNN! SSTOOOPPPP!" a voice yells out.
Poe turns to look back at me.
My heart starts to race.
"BBEEEENNN PPLEEASSE!" it is my own voice, from years ago.
I feel my mind fading from the present.
"No," I say defiantly clenching my fists.
There is a distinct pull. It is Kylo...wherever he is currently...pulling at my mind.
I take off running.
"I'm sorry! It's Kylo!" I yell out over my shoulder. I just run trying to create distance between me and them. I have no idea what he might trick me into doing nor what mind tricks might influence them through me.
Kylo knows exactly how to turn my own mind against me. It is his unfair advantage from being my brother.
My vision blurs. Then I am thrown to the ground.
I grab my forehead trying to build up a defense using the force.
"Jax, stop fighting," his voice enters my head. He sounds calm...caring.
"No," I murmur. My body slides across the floor into the wall.
"NO!" I finally yell with confidence.
I slide across the floor into the other wall.
"Stop!" I hear another female voice enter the space. Her demand is felt by the Force...completely kicking Kylo out of my mind.
I sit up against the wall. My vision works to be clear again.
I work on breathing normal. It is astounding how much Kylo can change when he reaches in.
I close my eyes wondering who the woman was that intervened.
"You okay?" that same woman asks.
I open my eyes in shock realizing that she is in the hallway with me.
She looks a little younger than me. I just look at her for two seconds before it registers that I know her.
"Rey?" I ask quietly.
"Do I know you?" she asks furrowing her eyebrows.
I smile slightly still trying to catch my breath. I nod.
"You used to," I say softly. "You used to know the old me."
She holds out her hand and I take it gladly. She helps me up.
"I was just sent to find you. I could hear Kylo talking to you, so you weren't too hard to find."
"Thanks for kicking him out," I say. "I hope he didn't figure out where we are."
Rey nods. She looks good. Taller than me. Strong built. Skinny like me. Clearly both of us were not fed too much growing up.
"I am Jax," I say. Then, I shake my head, "well, you knew me as Jaina."
She observes me. Her eyes stare at me like she is trying really hard to remember.
"Apparently, most of my memory was swiped when I was young," she admits.
I nod, "I know the feeling. Mine just recently came back."
That is when I know. I know that Rey is who changed the Force.
Something on my face must have shown my realization.
"What's wrong?" she asks.
"You," I start but stutter through my words. "You, you changed the balance."
"What?"
I am suddenly hugging her.
"I always knew you would be strong, but wow," I say suddenly.
"Rey," a deep voice interrupts us.
I turn to see my uncle standing there.
His eyes widen, "Jaina?"
I nod.
I am about to tell him my new name when Mom comes around the corner. Her and her brother stare at one another in silence probably searching for all the apologies they think they need to say. Finn comes running up with Poe and BB8 in tow.
"Rey!"
"Finn!"
I watch as they embrace one another in a hug.
"You're okay," Rey says softly as she holds onto him.
I observe the love, or the emotions, they have for one another. It is so subtle, but there.
I am distracted by someone softly touching my shoulder.
I turn to see Poe.
"Hey, you okay?"
I touch my forehead still feeling the aftermath of Kylo's intrusion.
"I am sorry I ran like that. I am just so afraid of what they might trick me into doing. I didn't want to hurt all of you," I say quietly.
"Well, it will be okay. We are used to danger," Poe says with a reassuring smile. "Luke and Rey could probably really help you."
I nod.
"We could use your help to," Poe says reaching into one of the pockets of his pants. He holds out my two, small, light saber hilts.
I look over to see if Mom thinks this is a good idea. She is busy greeting Luke and Rey.
I turn back to Poe nodding some more. "Thank you, Poe."
"I figure that I can trust you with those. If you wanted to hurt us by now, you wouldn't need them," he says smiling.
I observe Leia, Luke and Rey talking. They are my family. My family...a phrase I thought had become extinct in my life. I smile to myself. For the first time, in a really long time, I can feel hope.
Hope you all enjoyed the new chapter. Sorry that they are always kind of short. I'm trying to update more often instead of keeping anyone waiting.
May the force be with you.
