*Merry Christmas, my dear readers! My gift to you is the last installment of "Who You Are Without Me." Although, if you want me to, I think I can be persuaded to continue this, but only for the right amount of reviews. It was only supposed to be for Christmas, anyhow, which explains the song lyrics at the beginning of Chapter 1. Those were basically Alec's feelings in the beginning of Chapter 1 and this one, Chapter 7.
*Disclaimer: None of this is mine. Well, I can take credit for the sorry plotline.
Who You Are Without Me: Chapter 7
Since Ambrose left, life in the flat was back to the normal before he spent the night there. It was just Alec and Chairman Meow. Not that Alec minded really. It was just that he had never been dumped before. If he had to tell himself the truth, it kind of, sort of stung. That's what he got, he assumed. He had tried to move on from someone he knew he'd never be able to live without. Alec didn't know if Magnus tried the same thing, but, obviously, Magnus still loved him. The song blaring through the radio speakers told him so.
Magnus told him so.
Sure, Magnus had also started calling every day again since he answered, and even when he had to switch his Facebook status to "Single." But that didn't mean Alec picked up every time. It was too much to continue loving someone who lived so far away. Alec never thought that by sending Magnus to chase his dreams that he would lose Magnus in such an extreme way. He had lost Magnus altogether. Magnus didn't want to lose Alec, but he couldn't help but feel lonely and afraid being in New York City by himself while Magnus had the best of times at parties and in expensive stores and in the recording studio doing what he loved most. Without Alec.
And, Alec sometimes hated himself for practically forcing Magnus out of his life. But Magnus had to do it. He had to leave in order to achieve what he had always wanted most in the world. That was the way it had to be. Alec refused to be the one. There would be no way Alec would allow himself to be Magnus' dream-killer.
So, as Christmas approached, Alec was alone, minus the cat on his lap, who purred like a motorboat. He looked around the flat. There were minimal decorations for the season. But, there was a real tree strung with lights, shiny garland, and few ornaments. Christmas lights were stapled around the ceiling of the living room and even in his bedroom. That's where he was, lying on his bed with all of the lights out except for the blue Christmas lights. Chairman Meow purred as Alec lazily pet him.
His phone, resting on what once was Magnus' dresser, occasionally lit up and vibrated. Alec paid no attention to the device. All he wanted was to be left alone, wallowing in his misery that he had singlehandedly caused. This was going to be his first Christmas in three years that he wasn't with Magnus.
He'd still go over to his parents, and he would play videogames with Jace, and Isabelle would drag him off the couch after about two and a half hours of mindlessly killing virtual people to talk and ask his opinion on the latest guy she developed a crush on after throwing every possible detail at him. Later, they would all crowd around the family dinner table and share stories they had neglected to share through the year. And that would be great and fun and meaningful. But it would not be the same. There would be an empty chair right next to him as his mother put all the food on the table and everyone crowded their plates with the delicious meal. If any single one of them had any respect for his dead relationship, he could imagine that the chair would be tucked into the study for safekeeping and the plates on that side of the table would be spaced out a little farther than usual to give the illusion that there should be no one else there. That would be the appropriate thing to do, but he would also be a little heartbroken that they could dismiss three years so easily.
"What do you think, Chairman? Do you want to be my plus one to family dinner on Christmas?" Alec asked the cat.
As if the cat actually understood the boy, Chairman Meow sneezed and shook his fuzzy head.
"Yeah, I didn't think so. Church would probably think you're a rolling feather toy. But, hey, you have a couple of days to think on it." The fact hit him hard. In only a few days, there would be Christmas. He would have to pretend to be happy. He would have to smile when he knew that he couldn't. But he would do it. For the sake of his family—and himself—he would try to put the past behind him. Even if it was just for one day.
He really needed to move on. And, to think, the short time that he was seeing Ambrose he was actually starting to think that he was. But was Ambrose a hiding spot and Alec hid behind him so life didn't find him?
No, Alec thought. Ambrose was a good guy. He liked Ambrose. He thought Ambrose was attractive. He slept with Ambrose. If he wasn't so caught up in his past, then Alec could imagine himself living happily with Ambrose. But, that wasn't the case.
"Oh, I don't know, cat," he sighed. "What do you think I should do?"
As expected, Chairman Meow didn't, couldn't answer.
.—.
The last few days had passed rapidly and robotically. Alec woke up, got ready, went to work, came home, and slept. Just like always.
So, he had completely forgotten that Christmas was here. On the 25th of December, Alec had woken up to the alarm clock that he forgot to turn off. It was still earlier in the morning, albeit later than he usually rose on this day. When he was little, he was always the first one up. When he started slacking, Jace took it upon himself to wake him up extra early, just because Jace was mean. So, when he moved out of his parents' house and in with Magnus, he thought that he could sleep longer. He was wrong. Unluckily for him, Magnus was like his blond brother in this regard. Magnus had jumped on him at the horrid hour of five in the morning. It wasn't like they were little kids and there were supposed to be a whole bunch of neatly wrapped presents under the tree. But Magnus didn't care. It was still Christmas, and damn it, he was going to treat it like Christmas.
So, when he flipped over his phone and the date was revealed to him as a certain December 25th, Alec groaned, but was oddly surprised that it was seven in the morning and he had slept in. After all these years of getting up super early, he thought it was instilled in his blood that he had to wake up like clockwork extra early on this day in particular. He got to sleep, though, so Alec didn't complain. The feeling was just…foreign.
Since the morning was reserved for him, and him alone, Alec did something he had never, ever done on Christmas morning. He rolled over and fell back to sleep.
After re-awaking an hour later, Alec jumped into the shower. He remerged from the steamy pit of his bathroom, dried his hair, and dressed in black slacks and a form-fitting blue button-down shirt. He plopped on his bed and waited for time to tick by before he had to head out for his parents' home for a family Christmas gathering. As he waited, he thought of everything he had last year. He was happy.
It got Alec thinking what he wanted most for Christmas. Since time travel was ridiculously impossible and he'd not change Magnus' success, all the blue-eyed boy wanted was Magnus to come home. He would hug him and kiss him and apologize and beg forgiveness of his stupidity. As best as he could, which was better than expected, Alec held in his tears and kept from crying.
Alec heard a knocking sound. Not thinking much into it, Alec stayed on the bed. More knocks followed, but Alec stayed put, one of his legs bent at the knee. Then, his phone began to vibrate and vibrate.
"This is ridiculous, cat. What the fuck is going on? I'm never this popular."
Alec reluctantly pushes Chairman Meow off his stomach and makes his way to his feet. The cat, in all his Big Ferocious Cat Syndrome, hissed and tried to claw the bedspread since he was disturbed. The boy laughed slightly at the cat while checking his phone. Many were missed calls from his sister, one from his mother—which was a little more than odd, and the rest were from Magnus. Then there were some text messages stating things that resembled, "Where are you?" and "Why are you not picking up?" But the ones from Magnus were loving and caring. "Are you okay?" along with "I'm worried." There were others, but the banging on his door became quite a nuisance and it was something Alec needed to tend to before doing anything more with his phone.
There would be no one else that would be this persistent and this annoying to Alec except Jace. So, because of that little fact, that was who Alec thought it was.
"I swear Jace, if you don't cut…" Alec yelled until he swung the door open. His mouth snapped shut and he lost function of his lungs.
"Alec."
"…Magnus," he whispered. This moment was so unbelievable that he had nothing else to say besides Magnus' name. Truthfully, he was lucky to even have that much control over his vocal chords. His plan of hugging and kissing flew out the door, as soon as the man he was waiting for was revealed.
"Can I…come in?" Magnus asked slowly and warily.
Alec swallowed hard. "Uh, yeah, of course." It was in that moment that Alec had notably regretted not changing their once-shared home in the least possible way. Mostly, besides the Christmas décor, the place was unchanged. He didn't want to seem as if he was holding onto the only part of Magnus he had left.
Magnus shook the snow out of his dark hair as he took off his gloves and held them in his hands, as if he felt awkward to rest them on the coffee table. The same table that he had sat on, rested his feet on, played games on, ate dinner on, had sex on… It was ridiculous, but it didn't feel like his table anymore. The flat was practically unchanged, but he only felt like an anomaly in the room. "I didn't think you'd decorate for the holidays. The place looks nice," Magnus pointed out somewhat awkwardly.
Alec scratched his eyebrows. "Thanks."
"You look nice."
"…Thanks," Alec repeated. "I've got to go to family dinner in a bit, so I thought I should dress appropriately."
There was silence as Magnus studied Alec's posture and Alec shifted under the heavy gaze.
"Merry Christmas, Alec," Magnus finally said.
Alec suddenly dropped his eyes and let his dark hair fall in front of his eyes. He couldn't take it. He couldn't handle Magnus here. It was too much, even though this has been what he wanted for so, so long. How did he think that he could get over this? He bit his lip to keep from crying. Unlike earlier, his resolve crumbed and warm, salty tears started to fall.
Magnus noticed fresh tears falling from the boy's eyes, even when his dark hair covered his forehead, trying to mask his face. No, he couldn't actually see them, but he could tell that they were there. After three years, Magnus knew that when Alec's shoulders slumped that far down and started to tremble in such a manner that they were just then, that meant he was silently crying. "Hey. Alec. Don't do this. Dar—what's wrong?" Magnus dropped his gloves and walked over to where Alec was standing. He refrained from calling him "darling" and resting his hands on Alec.
Alec couldn't. No, he wasn't good at this. But, if he wanted to fix things with Magnus, he would have to try, even though he knew he wasn't the greatest at using his words for such things. "Everything, Magnus," he choked out. "I-I'm a fucking idiot. I let you go, and I didn't have to. I thought I could move on, but I couldn't. All I can ever think about is you. And here you are, standing right in front of me, in what used to be our home together. It's hard for me to say this, but I'm the one that needs forgiving," Alec admitted, finally lifting his head to reveal his clear, dark blue eyes and wet face from tears. Finally, also unwillingly, he fell apart. His seams unzipped and emotions poured out of him. Maybe later he wouldn't agree with his words he had spoken, but it was in the now that he had said them, and, for that moment, he had meant the words.
"No. I was the one at fault," Magnus admitted. "There is no need to blame yourself for my mistakes. You were trying to protect yourself from me, to which you had every right. I was a lame ass boyfriend when I moved away. I could have done more to tell you that I love you and that I miss you, but I didn't," Magnus ranted. "I am the one at fault. You don't need to forgive me, but I am hoping that one day, you can."
For one of the first times in his life, Alec didn't analyze his thoughts as soon as he had them. Instead, he acted without a script. He didn't know how Magnus would react, but it was something Alec did without thinking it through. He lunged for Magnus, quickly wrapping his arms around his neck, and planted his lips firmly on Magnus', kissing him slowly.
Magnus froze, not knowing what to think. But he didn't want to think. The feel of Alec's lips was something he greatly missed since the moment he stepped onto that plane. This kiss signaled that he finally arrived home after so long. Magnus had a desperate, serious case of homesickness. He found himself melting in Alec's embrace, snaking his own arms around Alec's slender waist, and pulling the boy closer to him. Now this was the thing he missed the most. LA didn't have this. No place besides New York City had Alexander Lightwood.
Alec pulled away his lips first and rested his forehead against Magnus'. "I love you so much, Magnus Bane. Please. Don't leave me again."
"I'd never. I love you, Alexander Lightwood. Merry Christmas, love."
"Merry Christmas, dear."
*I want to thank my readers for investing their time to read my little story. The big thanks and air hugs go to my loyal reviewers, who gave me feedback on many of the chapters. So, I thank you BIG TIME. You are the reason why I decided to post the rest of the story.
*So, for motivation to me to finish this multi-chaptered story that I have hinted in my profile that I have been working on—no, it wasn't this one—I guess I will tell you a minor detail. How many of you would be willing to read a full-length (longer than this by…a lot; so far, there are over 19,000 words I have typed) JALEC story? It's all human, and I have a lot of it written in Jace's point of view. There are many original characters, including these hot guy twins I have named Varen and Cameren. I do not want to waste all my efforts writing something nobody would be willing to read. So, if…I don't know…at least five or six?...people tell me to go for it, then I will. If not…I will be sad, because that took some serious time.
*Once again, thank you soooooo much, fantabulously amazing readers! Please review and tell me what you think of this story and if you want more, and please, please, please, please give me your honest-to-God opinion on if you are willing to read my Jalec fic.
-WithinTheTrenches
