Nothing on Netflix interests him right now, he's not in the mood to jerk off, he's feeling like a complete asshole for last night, and now he's sulking in his room and hopes he will be able to just fall asleep sometime this decade and hopefully see Cas. He also wishes his own Cas would be with him right now, you know, just 'cause. No special reason…
He puts his headphones on and lays back on his pillow to the soothing sounds of Bob Seger's Against the Wind thinking about the times he'd blast this album in the Impala and he's right back to 2008, the year he knew he was going to Hell, driving non stop to a case with Sammy. He remembers thinking, "how will Sam take care of his baby? Will he continue to hunt? Will he say fuck it and go back to Stanford? Will he blast through every crossroad demon there is to get him back?"
And then the inevitable day came, judgement day, when Dean was dragged to the pit. He rarely lets himself think of that time, the horror, the torture doesn't even compare to how undeniably scared he was. Scared of the things they were going to do to him, of what he might become, of Alistair and his sick fucking twisted pleasure in inflicting and receiving pain.
Dean was abused in every sense of the word. Demons ripping him apart, slicing him to shreds, abusing him when there was nothing left to do, and then starting it all over, day after day, shaping him into the worst kind of thing. More grotesque and frightening than that mark ever made him, and a hell of a lot worse than when he was an actual demon.
No, this was Dean, his soul just mere pieces of what he used to be, molded into a monster and breaking the first damn seal.
Righteous man. He has to laugh. Sure he saved people, did things that most folks could pat him on the back for, but righteous? Dean would look in the mirror and try to convince himself that what he does is heroic, brave but deep down he always felt like a failure. He doesn't think that anyone has every made him question it more than Cas.
"You don't think you deserve to be saved."
That statement spoke volumes and it was the first time Dean ever had someone call him out on it. Sure, Bobby had torn him a new one here and there, bitching to him about his low self worth, but it was this sentence here from Cas, that made him realize that he really didn't think he deserved to be saved, and by an angel at that.
An angel that would come into his life and turn it around. Who would show him that he did deserve it, despite the thing he had become down there. Cas knew, he saw it all, not even Sam was aware of the terrible things Dean did down there. And the word terrible puts it lightly.
But Cas didn't see a monster in Dean. He saved him, and made sure Dean understood that he was worth all of it. Cas rebelled. Turned his back on the family he's known for his entire existence, all because of Dean. Dean struggles to this very day about that, and does find himself at the low end of his own worth, where he starts to doubt he's ever been good enough for Cas.
But then Cas reminds him at times that he'd do it over again, make the same choices, and doesn't regret a thing. He'd give up Heaven… and he has… for Dean.
That's gotta do stuff, and not just in the usual way where someone realizes how much they've actually lost, but that has to show everyone, on some level, how important they are to each other. Dean, who refused to leave Purgatory and spent a goddamned year there, despite having a way out, was not going to leave without his angel.
And it's no surprise why he began to have feelings like this. Why his platonic and romantic wiring starting to get crossed. Why he suddenly had realized, years ago, that Cas was not only in his heart as a friend, but as something else. Something eternal. Someone who Dean would gladly take into his arms and never let go.
It's a dangerous thing, to give someone that much. Cas betrayed him, broken his heart more times than he'd like to remember, all because Dean gave him parts of himself that he'd never given anyone. He let his guard down, opened up, silently telling Cas to take it, take his heart, it's his.
But Cas was careless and it took Dean a long time to recover from his betrayal with Crowley, and then the fucked up angel tablet incident. But Dean did get over it, eventually, yet remained reserved. He and Cas grew apart, and he wasn't so gung ho about letting Cas inside again, but he never stopped feeling what he felt, what he feels for him. It's always there and it never leaves, never weakens, or goes away. If anything, it just grows each day and what the fuck is he going to do with that?
Two people in his life have the capability to ruin him forever. Cas and Sam. But he has to trust them now more than ever, because now, none of them are under some mind control, curse, possession, or demon blood. They're all of their own agency and that's gotta give Dean a chance to not only makes things right, but to also let himself trust again. Let his brother take control over things more and let Cas have his heart again. Even if it's only one sided.
His eyes are heavy now and he's happy to finally be tired enough to fall asleep. He's memorized the sigil Cas drew out and has it next to him for safekeeping. See Cas, give him the design, tell him the plans. He just hopes it's not the dream where he's too late.
"Dean!" Cas calls out, running to him. "I've missed you. Sorry I haven't been bringing you here, my dreams started to get a little weird after you and my counterpart left."
Dean heads into the cabin, through the annoying bead door where Cas is standing in the middle of the room in his usual get up, his jeans that are too big for him, white linen shirt that hangs off of his body. He smiles at Dean and he's so relieved this isn't the other kind of dream where he has to watch him die.
"Weird, like how?"
"You don't want to know. Hungry?"
Dean's in front of Cas now and he's looking around the cabin for something to write with. "Look, before it slips my mind, I need to draw something for you. You got a pen? Pencil? Paper?"
"Uh sure," Cas says, furrowing his brow. He skips off into his bedroom and comes out with a marker and a notepad. "Will this work?"
"Yup."
Dean takes the items and drops to his knees, setting the paper on the coffee table and begins drawing the sigil from memory. His hands are shaking a bit, causing him to curse under his breath, nervous he's going to mess it up.
He practiced drawing it dozens of times before he went to bed, matching Cas' exact design, he just hopes his subconscious doesn't tweak it somehow.
"What is it?" Cas asks, leaning over Dean.
After Dean's done and he's satisfied, he looks up at Cas and exhales the nerves he had bottled up. "This is a sigil that will bring me and Cas here, actually here, to you. Not in dreamland. But-"
Cas lowers himself to his knees and has a look of utter shock on his face. "You're- you guys are coming here? For me?"
"Yes."
"And this sigil… tell me what I have to do."
Dean sighs, relieved that Cas is on board with this, not that he wouldn't be, but he never knows with Cas. His Cas anyway.
"Draw this in your blood, somewhere it won't be disturbed and we're gonna do the same from our dimension. When you do it, we'll be sent here, to you."
"Okay. When."
"Tomorrow at sunset. 8:25pm."
Cas sits back on his heals and sighs a long dramatic sigh. "Not that I don't appreciate you two helping, but how exactly do you plan on… helping?"
"Don't know yet," Dean smiles. "We just know something is after you and it's probably coming through the breaks in the barriers between dimensions."
"Oh that makes sense," Cas whispers, looking upward.
Dean smiles, slightly as he rises to his feet. "Okay, so tomorrow then."
"Yes."
Cas also stands and walks slowly to Dean, a sly smile making him appear so damn seductive. Where the hell did he learn that?
"Aren't you gonna stay? Maybe just for a little while?"
His hands run down Dean's arms, gripping tightly when he reaches his wrists and Dean just looks down at him, now feeling guilty but he has no idea why. It's a dream. He has tons of sex with many people in his dreams, why would this make him feel like shit?
Oh right.
"I should go, or uh, wake up."
"It's him, isn't it?"
What ever gave you that idea? "What?"
"He's jealous. It makes sense. He would be, of course. Even though this is still just a dream, he was here, he saw… it's more real to him."
Dean opens his mouth to speak, but no words come out. Cas continues, "And you're loyal to him. Knowing that us being intimate upsets him, it makes it different for you now."
"Wait, why would Cas be jealous? Of you?"
Cas laughs with his head thrown back and looks at Dean, shaking his head. "Really?"
"He was just disgusted, like with my behavior. Thinking I screw anything that moves and in your case, it was more important to figure out what's been after you then rolling around in the sheets but I, uh-"
Cas' laugh dies down a bit but he's still smiling wide. "Is that what he told you?"
"Well, no, not exactly." Now Dean's trying to remember the exact conversation and Cas' reaction, his facial expressions, and… what was that?
Cas turns on his heel and plops down on the couch, lifting his legs to rest his feet on the coffee table. Dean wants to stay and continue this conversation because now he's really interested to hear what this Cas' opinion on the whole thing is. He is Castiel after all, he knows him better than anyone. Did Dean read Cas wrong? Was Cas actually jealous? If so, then what in the hell could that mean?
"Why would he be-"
"Well, it's not for me to say, but I think you two need to talk."
"Okay but-"
"I would love for you to stay, trust me. You have no idea the things I'd like to… but you should go to your Cas. It's what I… it's what I would have wanted."
Dean stands, frozen as his mind thinks of a million different ways to confront Castiel, his Castiel, and all of it makes him want to run and hide. He's no good at this, at all. In fact, he sucks at these awkward talks where one is forced to reveal something that he or she may not be ready to reveal.
"8:25 p.m. Tomorrow night. See you then."
Dean is about to tell him goodbye but he wakes up in his room, headphones still on, and Bob Seger still playing. He hops out of bed, races to the main room where Cas is seated with a book. He looks up at Dean, expressionless.
"Did you-"
"Yes."
There's a moment of silence between them before Sam enters, holding a smoothie, making the most obnoxious sucking sound. "Hey guys, what's up?"
The next hour they spend going over the plans for tomorrow. Dean's a little taken aback that he and Cas are going to be staying in that dimension for three days. He said that's the usual time until the sigil will be able to activated again to bring them home.
Three days in that place. Like last time…
He fades in and out as Cas gives Sam the instructions on getting them home. He's not going to deny the fact that he's a bit nervous. He has no idea what 'erasing the barriers between dimensions' actually means, and he's sure if Cas broke it down for him, it might as well be in Greek.
But he'll be with Castiel. His angel and protector. Somehow he knows that everything will be okay as long as he's by his side.
"... we should be able to close it temporarily, almost like putting a seal over a crack in the wall."
Dean turns to Cas. "The barrier?"
"Yes. We don't know for sure that whatever is after your Castiel will show, so in that case, we can seal it to prevent it from returning."
"He's not… my Castiel," Dean barks because that's all Dean heard from that.
"I was only saying-"
Sam coughs to get their attention. "Look guys, I think this plan is crazy but whatever, if it helps then I'm all for it, but both of you really need to stow your crap if you want to make it out of there alive."
Dean and Cas share a look before Dean rolls his eyes. "Okay, whatever. Just get us home."
He rises and heads to his room, still feeling the sleepiness from before and knowing it's the middle of the night, his body is craving more shut eye.
He doesn't think Cas, that Cas, will bring him into his dreams anymore, knowing they'll be going there in just one day. He's sort of relieved, having the guilt of a lover who has been fantasizing about someone else and it's all just ridiculous, he knows. It's not even another. It's still Cas. Same eyes, same lips, same… body. Hair, okay a little different, but it's still Cas' hair, smile, and why is he even trying to justify it if they're not even together.
Jealousy. He said Cas was jealous…
"Dean."
He hears the familiar gravely voice from behind him as he's entering his room. Turning around to face him, he fights the temptation to ask him why he was really upset. Why did his mood change when Dean told him the truth about the dreams? Time and place, and Dean is well aware that now is neither.
"Cas," Dean says as he tugs the sheets, pulling them down so he could crawl under them.
"I think we should discuss our plans, what we will do once we're there."
Cas moves to the edge of the bed and is staring down at Dean. Dean's stomach flips and okay, he really doesn't want this tension between them anymore, he wants to just be normal, back as they were. Friends goofing around, talking about whatever. He's about to go to another goddamned dimension with him, the least he can do is take the stick out of his ass.
"Sure. Sit."
Cas takes his seat on the edge of the bed at Dean's feet. Dean props himself up, resting his back on the headboard and folds his arms. He's still reserved, sure, but he knows better than to start up anything now, the day before their trip.
"The first thing we need to do is find the tear, the split where this threat is able to come through."
"Like that portal in Purgatory?" Dean cringes.
Cas' hand letting go of his before falling back into the dirt. The portal closing and he still feels the ghost of Cas' fingers around his wrist. He spent months, months grieving for him. He had one mission in that godforsaken place, and that was to find the angel. His angel. And Cas just let go…
"Dean?"
"Huh? What?"
"I said, yes, It's similar to the one in Purgatory and I asked if you had any clue where it could be in that existence." Cas is watching him, concern in his eyes.
"Oh, uh, well, when Zach zapped me there, it was in the same motel I was already in. Smack dab in the city."
"Kansas City."
"Yeah. Then I left. I went to Chitaqua."
Cas strokes his chin. "We can ask your… the other Cas when we arrive. He might know of an area with displaced energy. He's not an angel anymore but that doesn't mean he can't sense things, feel things, for his essence is still celestial."
Dean nods. "Yeah, he was able to tell I was from another timeline when I first arrived there."
"Right. Makes sense."
"Cas, when you were human, were you still able to pick up on things like that?"
Castiel sighs, placing his hands in front of him. "I think so, more or less. It was like a heightened awareness, a little more than what humans contain. I would have been able to tell if you were from another place in time, yes."
"How does that work? I mean, if you're not an angel, just curious."
"Well," Cas lies down, leaning on his elbow and supports his head with his hand. Dean swallows, allowing himself to indulge in just how cute his angel looks.
"When we fall from grace, our essence is still ours, we just don't have the powers and abilities as we once had. It's like your soul is yours no matter what. So I have memories of how things worked as an angel, and can apply it but only with human limitations."
Dean frowns. "So, that's how you can tell if someone is a demon or from another timeline?"
"Yes, it's very similar to yours and Sam's intuition, feelings about things you're familiar with. Mine is not just limited to familiarity but more a memory of what I knew and used to see."
And this is getting cooler by the minute. "That's pretty awesome. Even as a human, you aren't powerless. I mean, your awareness is above most humans."
"Powerless, no? Unable to heal you or revive? Yes. It's a very different feeling, Dean, to be at the mercy of mortality. Yours and mine."
"Welcome to the club." Dean smirks.
"Yes, because you are so successful at dying."
Dean laughs, and this is good. He can do this. "Same to you, buddy. How many times have you died?"
Castiel looks up to the ceiling, mouthing words to himself. "Twice?"
"Three times. Remember the reaper? I had Zeke or uh, Gadreel revive you."
"What?" Cas' eyes grow wide. "You told me you made a deal with the reaper."
"I lied."
Dean notices a smile creep up on Cas' face and it makes him smile as well. That was another fucked up time they can add to their shit list.
"Because I couldn't know about Sam."
"Mm-hmm."
"Good times," Cas says, mimicking Dean's phrase he uses all too often and almost always sarcastically.
"Careful, you're starting to sound like me?"
Castiel chuckles, and it's doing a thousand and one things to Dean, he has to look away, fearing that the 'angel who can sense things with or without his powers' is right here on his bed. In fact, he's with tons of mojo, lying down, his head now resting on his hands as he stares at the ceiling. Dean's eyes roam to his tie and how it hangs off to the side, now a blue and white striped one, and whatever did happen to his old stuff?
He'd ask but Cas probably had a change of wardrobe when he became human back then and then he had to find a whole new outfit when he was charged up again. Funny how he goes for the similar tax accountant look. It suits him though.
He glances at his shirt that's fitted perfectly to his body. His waistline with a belt that looks more expensive than Dean's entire wardrobe. His black slacks that are a perfect size, unlike his old outfit - the Jimmy outfit that hung off of him, always appearing to be one size too big.
Cas looks comfortable in his skin. He likes how he looks, and really, so does Dean. He also likes watching him remove his clothes but he won't go there, not now. He feels his face flush when Cas glances at him, his eyes are warm, calm, and Dean really does love it.
"What is it?" Cas asks him, bringing Dean back down to earth.
"What is what?"
"You're staring at me, looking at me oddly. Is there something on my clothes?"
Cas lifts his head to look down at himself, brushing his hand across his chest and moving his tie to the side, inspecting his shirt.
"No, no, was just kinda thinking… in my own little world."
He wonders how he looks to him, because he's so bad at hiding what's on his mind half the time. When Cas catches him staring him down, or focusing on his lips as they talk, or when Dean becomes flustered when Cas forgets what personal space is and really, Dean is not complaining about that anymore.
It has to be obvious. Cas has to know how he feels. Is he really Captain Oblivious? If he was able to tell that Dean was off, not from the same timeline, knew he had the goddamned mark of Cain before he even had to tell him, how in the hell does Cas not know that he thinks about him all the time, and would love to know how it feels to kiss him, have his body close, feel his heat, even if it was just once.
Once would never be enough, though. It would become Dean's damn drug. A good and holy drug.
"About what? Our trip tomorrow?"
Sure that works. "Uh, yeah. Kinda nervous about it, actually."
"That's understandable. But don't be. I'll be with you and I won't let anything happen to you."
And there it is again, his angel watching over him. His angel who'd do anything to protect him, save him, keep him from harm. Who had even fallen to protect him. Ah Cas. How could I not fall for you when you've fallen for me so many times?
"I was contemplating my own TV series, with how many times I time travel or dimension hop."
Castiel smiles, turning on his side now, facing Dean. "Imagine if you were an angel. We do it, did it all the time. Just a flap of the wings and…" He looks down, his face now long, sad.
Shit.
"We'll figure out how to fix your wings, Cas. I promise."
"It's not important. There are more pressing matters." They make eye contact and Dean almost bites his tongue.
"Hey, are you kidding? Of course it is. We're all still trying to find that dick Metatron and Sam will be doing just that when we're gone."
"Right, but," Cas sighs. "It's not my top priority."
Dean inhales, lowering himself to lay sideways like Cas. "I know. God forbid you think of yourself, like ever. So while you think of all the other things that are so much more important, Sam and I will work on the things that we feel are most important, and that's you."
Dean's face ignites. He didn't even mean for that to come out as sappy as it did, but he sees Cas smile, his face lighting up, so yeah, okay, it was worth it. Just to see that look.
There are so many expressions Cas has despite being so reserved sometimes. Dean can name them all, even the subtle ones, because he pays attention. After so many years, he's come to know and love all of Cas' looks and this one here, right now, he has stored away in his own personal photo album in his head.
"Thanks, Dean."
Are they back to where they were? No. There's still a lot to get through and this latest thing, Dean's aware that it needs to be addressed but they don't have to do it right now. Now, they can just lie here and talk, hopefully about more pleasant things and someday soon they'll tackle the issues they have.
Dean wants to, he really does. There's one thing Dean can't stand, and that is misunderstandings, miscommunication, and weird feelings. Aside from the incident that happened between them while he was under the mark of Cain (which he has to remember to really get Cas to open up about it, now knowing it still bothers him), to all the other crap between them, they've done a good job at sweeping almost everything under the rug and that has to stop.
"I just hope this trip of ours works out, for all of us. We save Cas, get home, and finally get back to business."
"He pulled you into his dreams for a reason. He knew you could help. I see no reason why we should fail, unless something goes wrong with the sigils."
"Or the thing hunting him shows up before we can seal the tear…"
"Or that," Cas says with a slight smile. "You go in fearing the worst, you won't be confident. Just know we'll pull through. Don't we always?"
Except when you feel the need to repent and stay behind, and okay, he has to stop thinking about that. For fuck's sake, he holds on to shit longer than a scorned wife. He really needs to practice what he preaches about grudges.
"Yes, that we do."
He watches Cas stretch out. Damn, that's really sexy. He bends forward and slides off of the bed. Dean's almost about to ask him to stay, relax, maybe sleep in here if he should desire… but Cas heads for the door.
"It's late and I'm actually pretty tired. Goodnight, Dean."
Dean sits up. "Is it weird being at half power?"
Cas nods, looking around the room. "At times. It could be worse. At least I have you two and this bunker." He smiles before leaving and he shuts the door behind him.
It makes Dean somewhat satisfied that Cas isn't alone. He's not trying to fix crap in Heaven. He's actually here with him and Sam, and that's pretty awesome. And here, like in Dean's room just a few seconds ago, sprawled out on his bed, stretching and…
Now he's imagining crawling on top of him, as Cas lies on his back, oblivious to how fucking hot he looks, and Dean resting his thigh between Cas' legs, kissing his neck, as he slowly removes his tie. He can hear Cas moaning, softly when Dean pushes his thigh against Cas' semi hard cock. Fuck, he wants him so badly.
Cas grabbing him, maybe running his fingers through his hair, pulling him down for another kiss, hard, passionate, hungry… Dean's thrusting now, thigh against cock, and when Cas can't take it anymore, he flips them over, taking his place on top of Dean, finally removing his tie and begins to work on his shirt. He tosses both onto the floor and slips Dean's shirt up so effortlessly as Dean raises his arms to let him.
Then chest to chest, skin to skin, Cas is in between Dean's legs, grinding. Dean's so hard, so fucking hard. He feels Cas undoing his belt, his zipper comes down, jeans come off, underwear, a mere memory now, and Cas' tongue is all over him, his chest, stomach, moving down, lower.
I want you so bad. So fucking bad.
Every lick, kiss, sends a million jolts through Dean, and he feels like… like Cas' tongue is actually on the tip of his cock right now, swirling around, and then taking him in. His hot mouth surrounding him, sucking, begging for him to fill him up.
Jesus Christ, Cas. How is this so real?
And he can almost see Cas, pausing to look up at him. I love you, Dean.
The world slips away and it's just them, in bed, and how can Dean feel Cas so close like this ? He's right here… right here… He's taking Dean in his mouth again and shit, it's too good, too mind blowing.
"Cas," Dean whispers, wanting to tell him the same, how he feels, what he means to him, but it's impossible. The words can't escape his mouth.
Cas is here with him, pleasuring him, loving him.
He's crawling up Dean's body, nuzzling his face against Dean's neck. Dean's wrapping his arms around him, squeezing his angel, kissing his cheek, his head, moving his face to kiss his lips. His body: perfect, so perfect how it feels against Dean's. The muscles, soft skin, flawless beauty, all his. All for him to embrace. To love.
Cas is out of his pants, determined to find that right spot on top of Dean and yeah, there it is. Cas is moving now, grinding against Dean. Each thrust bringing Dean closer, closer…
Dean's coming with Cas, both panting and moaning, warm liquid spreading between them. Foreheads are touching, air escaping only to be inhaled by the other, and when green meets blue, time stops.
God Cas, if you only knew.
Dean opens his eyes and grunts at all the come on his stomach. "Fuck," Dean says to himself. He swore he'd stop fantasizing about Cas but when he had to come in here and lay across the bed like that, what the fuck was Dean supposed to do? His body is just reacting, it's not really up to him what gets him off.
And how the fuck was that so goddamned tangible? He could have sworn to have felt it, the heat, wetness of Cas' mouth, the energy flowing through him like they were actually in bed together. He felt… Cas. He felt him. But that's impossible.
Right?
Rolling out of bed, he decides a shower would be best to clean himself up. He leaves his room and brushes by Sam who's eyeing him curiously. "Can't sleep?"
Dean shakes his head. "Just need a shower."
"At 4 a.m.?"
Dean turns to him before entering the bathroom. "Yeah, it's never too early or too late to clean yourself," Dean says with a smirk.
He removes his t-shirt that's now sticking to him due to his recent activity and throws it on the floor, along with the rest of his clothes, and turns on the shower. When he steps inside, he stills, letting the water hit him for a few minutes, lost in thought, or millions of thoughts to be more accurate.
He remembers a time when Cas was this enigma wrapped in a tax accountant suit. He had come into Dean's life with such determination, such a fierce obligation to fulfill his holy missions, then what happened?
When Cas fell, when he rebelled, his fighting became his own. He became his own, without Heaven barking orders, scaring him into submission, and yeah Dean remembers all too well when they whisked him away because he was getting too close to him.
Too close… Cas was evolving, but he was never really a good fit up there. Dean knew it as soon as he met the other angels, that Cas never was one of them. Samandriel said Cas had too much heart, and he was right. For beings that lack certain equipment to feel, Cas did, he does.
Sometimes, he'd look at Dean this certain way, with a well of emotion behind his eyes, and fuck Dean if he wasn't smitten already, and it was when those blue eyes would fill with unshed tears. It was the emotion that all the other angels criticized him for.
They beat him, tortured him, made fun of him, all for being who he is. Not a bad damn bone in his body. Not one. Everything he's ever done was with good intentions. Every damn thing. And now he's a part of a team that has unleashed hell on earth, and Dean has to shake his head.
He thinks of Purgatory, Naomi, Metatron, Cas losing his wings, Sam and the trials, Gadreel, Kevin, Charlie… his mind is reeling now, and he's getting pretty tired of the shit that just keeps piling up in their lives.
He should regret stopping Sam that day in the church, preventing him from closing the gates of Hell. But he doesn't. He doesn't feel bad for choosing Sam's life, wanting Sam to live, instead of doing something that probably would have been a hell of a good thing for the rest of the world.
He doesn't feel guilty and that fact alone scares Dean. He's supposed to be a hero. A person who kills the bad guys, protects the innocent, and he would give it all up just to make sure his brother is okay. What the hell kind of hero is that?
Dean knows how selfish he is. It's actually one of his less irritating traits, according to some. Save the world? Sure. But is the world more important than his brother? Well, no. It's not. Of course, Sam sees it the other way, he's the real hero. He'd do anything to save Dean but he wouldn't have made that same call. He would have let Dean close the gates and die along with it.
And if Dean didn't die, Sam sure as hell wouldn't have tricked him into angel possession.
So without guilt driving Dean, he knew he still had to make up for his mistakes. Getting the mark of Cain was supposed to do just that. Fuck his life, because it made it a fuckton worse.
That curse still rises the bile in Dean's stomach when he thinks about it. He had two people living inside of him for two goddamned years and it had been the first time, ever in his entire life, he contemplated suicide.
No one knew. No one but that mirage of Benny, who he guesses was his own mind anyway. But there were many nights, too many, that Dean sat on the edge of the bed wanting to eat a bullet, or impale himself with the first blade. And that would have been yet another failure, for the mark doesn't let the bearer die. He would have returned to the black eyes and then it wouldn't have mattered because he wouldn't have given a rat's ass what happened after that.
Being a demon was strange. He was still him; his thoughts, his memories, but he just didn't care about anything. Not fully. Sex wasn't even that good, he barely felt anything. Babes, dudes, all wanting a piece of him, like it was any other day, and all Dean wanted to do was howl at the moon, as Crowley put it.
So even if Dean wanted to end himself back then, he couldn't. Not unless another bearer of the mark took him down as a demon, and that person at the time was Cain. He never took it further than a fleeting thought, though. He wanted to fight, he really did. Giving up seemed too… easy. He knew there had to be a way and if not, he'd do all he could to make sure he'd somehow control himself.
But that fateful day with Cain told another story. It showed him how lost he really could become. Yet he didn't get fully rabid, though. He still had his wits when he summoned Death to take him out. With Cain gone, there was only Death and after what he had done, to Cas, Rudy, and that teenager, he knew it was time. Fighting the mark was over. It almost won and if Dean didn't take bull by the horns, he knew, he just knew, the worst was yet to come.
Then of course Dean did the unthinkable. He fucking killed Death. Why? For Sam. Again, the world is better with Sam in it, and that statement alone makes no sense. Dean knows it, for if there is no world left, then what the hell good is it to be alive?
Cas working with Crowley and Rowena to remove the mark, and who the fuck would have guessed that trio would have teamed up together? As much as Dean refuses to let the ones he cares about go, it seems Cas and Sam feel exactly the same way about him. Of course, Crowley has his own reasons for wanting Dean alive, and there's a whole other story.
So, to this day, Death's dead, the mark is removed, and the very corrupt, immoral, mind fucking energy that was the mark is now free. Free to roam the earth and that has got to be the worst thing Dean could ever imagine happening. If the mark was just a smidgen of what he felt with it, then the earth is for sure doomed. It's breaking down dimensional barriers as they speak and nothing good will come of it. Imagine all those beings, all those worlds that could collide, open up to each other… Dean's stomach flips.
One case at a time, though. That's how they roll. They'll help Hippy Cas, then his own Cas, and then take it day by day until they have a better idea on how the hell they're going to defeat this thing. God? M.I.A. Archangels? Dead. If it's on him, Sam, and Cas, Team Free Will, to fight this thing, then he's up for anything. He helped unleash it onto the world, he'll help put that thing back where it came from.
Just the how is the question.
