A/N: So, emotions, haven't found a solution yet. There may not be one, it could be one of those times I just have to wait it out and stubbornly ignore the darker thoughts. It's strange, being genuinely happy while recording or writing and then suddenly be the complete opposite while between or in the car on the way to dinner or whatever. It's starting to improve a little bit, but not a whole lot. Perhaps once I am caught up with everything, I may find my mood improving and my days going more smoothly. Perhaps. We shall see. I also intend to eat better and stop consuming soda, as I think my change of diet since moving back home is affecting my body in negative ways. I've gained weight and that time of month we females deal with was more painful than it has ever been...I heard once that soda can affect that, especially if you are not used to drinking it. I had completely cut it out of my diet for a few years and slowly it got to where I was drinking it all the time again. I'm convinced the soda contributes to the weight gain too, as I am not actually eating all too horribly and I do remain active despite having to spend so much time recording and editing. A better sleep schedule might help, but I have struggled with getting on that for years and my body doesn't cooperate, every time I try to buckle down on it, it seems the insomnia gets worse.
If anyone knows JaidenAnimations on youtube(If you don't, you should check her out! Her work is awesome.), she recently did a video about a face reveal and in it she describes perfectly what it is like to live with something like an eating disorder or depression or anxiety...though the specifics are different for me as I have never really had an eating disorder(at least not to an extreme?) nor have I ever been to vidcon, the general idea is there. The journey to the problem, the struggles with it and how hard it is to break it...she gets it spot on. I have actually watched it a few times since to remind myself I'm not the only one dealing with crappy mental barriers. Honestly, if I wasn't so stubborn I probably would've lost the struggle a long time ago. But, as Jaiden said in her video, it doesn't matter how strong or weak you are, how many times you get knocked down, just keep getting back up.
Guest: Yes, little steps. :) Dark spots don't disappear in a day. If we keep going, we'll make it through eventually! I am glad my work makes you happy. If I make even one person happy with what I do, it is worth it. That is all I want to do, really. Everything I do is to try to make someone's life a little better for at least a little while. Sometimes I don't feel like I've done a good job at it, but I've learned that that is my depression talking and try to ignore those thoughts. It can be hard, when so many things about my life agree with the negative words, but I gotta believe that someday this will all be worth it. That eventually something will give.
About this scene...This one takes place several weeks into my Dovahkin's time with the Companions. It's before her mission to Dustman's Cairn with Farkas, so she is still considered by the Circle to be one of the whelps. She has done a number of missions for them and gone on at least one with each member of the Circle. Through these missions and down times spent reading books and learning about the history of the Companions from Vilkas, she has been steadily building a friendship with the Nord.
# 007 - Heaven
"So, Sovngarde is kinda like Nord heaven?" I asked as I hung upside down on Vilkas's bed, nose buried in a book.
"I believe so, judging by what you've told me of your heaven," Vilkas said from where he sat next to me on his bed, nose also buried in a book.
We often just sat like this ever since I had joined the Companions. While he had doubted me when I first approached Kodlak, we had bonded over our mutual love of knowledge and books. A couple missions together had us as pretty good friends. Or as close to friends as we could get when I was keeping everyone at arm's length. He had taken to helping me learn how to write with ink and quill, since it was something I was unfamiliar with. We also spoke about the histories of our respective lands as well as religious and personal beliefs.
"I wonder if Sovngarde is part of the heaven I know," I pondered. "Perhaps it is one of the many dimensions. Or just a location in heaven, as the Holy City is merely a location. I mean, from what everyone has gathered so far, it seems there is potential they are part of the same plain of existence."
"Perhaps," Vilkas agreed, flipping a page in his book. "What is it that you know of heaven?"
"That it can't be described by mere human words seems to be one of the most agreed upon facts," I commented, flipping my own page. "Most describe a place full of love, life and light on a greater scale than we could even imagine. Fields with grass greener than any grass known in the world of the living. Darkness is non-existent. People often describe being there as being yourself in a truer sense than possible in this world. Things that mark us fall away and we become ourselves in the purest form. The muk and grime we gather as we live this flawed life are washed away. Expectations, emotional scars...everything is healed and forgiven to those who make it. There's so much more, but I don't know how to word anything else. It's so hard to imagine, because I know any picture I come up with, that I could paint in words or paint, none of it could do it any justice."
"I have heard similar descriptions of Sovngarde," Vilkas commented. "Perhaps they are the same, but different specific areas."
"I guess we will find out when we get there, huh?"
"We will."
Silence reigned for several minutes as we read in silence.
"Vilkas?"
"Yeah?"
"Is it weird that I feel a little impatient to get to the next life?"
I heard movement as he lowered his book and looked over at me with a weird look.
"I'll take that as yes." I flipped a page.
"Do not do anything foolish, whelp."
I chuckled slightly. "I'm not gonna run off and get killed just to get there sooner, Vilkas," I assured him. I almost denied intending to kill myself as well, but found that I didn't have it in me. After all, the thought had crossed my mind before and I wasn't ready to admit that I had to him yet. I may never feel comfortable revealing that bit of my past to anyone here.
He continued looking at me with an analytical gaze, but I ignored him as I continued my reading.
"But I do look forward to getting there someday," I confided.
Vilkas shook his head with a sigh. "You are a strange woman, Breton."
"Not a Breton." I corrected.
"Then what are you?"
"Human."
He just shook his head again, though a smile was on his face.
