Summary:The Death Note cast takes a trip to everyone's favorite retail store, random crack ensues. Based off of a (very)random roleplay. :3
This Chapter: L takes a trip to the candy aisle, too bad not everything there is going sugary sweet.

Rating: Rated T for mild to strong language, suggestive situations+shounen-ai, and general crack.

A/N: Yes it is long, and sorry I couldn't fit Matsuda in. Maybe next chapter? Oh well, enjoy the crack! Love to Rai-Tan who was kind enough to beta this chapter for me:3

Disclaimer: D is for Disclaimer, and also for Death Note, which I don't own. I don't own Wal-Mart either, or -shock- Seven Eleven.


Seemingly deserted, and totally bored, L idly rolled the wheel of his right Heely back and forth across the glossy surface of the linoleum floor. Light had done a good job of cleaning it for only having a few Wet Ones to work with. Speaking of Light, L had suspected that the other boy must've found something distracting enough to divert his attention from the forgotten friend who was still there waiting for him in the Office Supplies aisle. Yes, something distracting, or maybe he had finally accepted his pen addiction? In that case he might be at the front of the store browsing self-help books and what-not. Which wouldn't be an entirely bad thing, if that were the case then L wouldn't mind being left alone so much. But the more he thought about it, the more illogical it was that Light was doing anything to help himself since he preferred to try and fix everyone else.

Hmm, Kira is self-righteous, suspicion has risen another nine percent.

Kira suspicion aside, L was beginning to wonder if maybe Light wasn't going to come back after all, and he wasn't the type to waste time waiting for someone who was probably off dominating the retail world and such. The detective rolled his tongue along the side of his mouth as he thought; the taste of ink was doing an unmerciful number on his taste buds. Sweets, that's what he needed. A nice slice of strawberry shortcake, heck, right now he'd even go for a Ding Dong or some generic brand of cupcake that has been thoroughly shot up with preservatives and unpronounceable chemicals. Anything would be better than the bitter taste of false advertising (If it says strawberry flavored, it should taste like strawberries!) that was attacking his most sacred sense. Come to think of it, he hadn't had anything sugary for at least half an hour

Well this just won't do. I mustn't let my reasoning skills be detrimented because I am busy not being busy. Light is smart, he will find me…

Satisfied with his decision, L promptly loosed himself from his sulky state and rolled over to the candy aisle.

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Mello stumbled gracefully over his own combat boots. Again

For gods-sake!

Matt was acting entirely too nonchalant about showing a skirt-clad Mello to the candy aisle, and it was beginning to piss Mello off. Unfortunately all he could do was follow, curse, and trip repeatedly getting used to maneuvering in the rocker style denim. Several times he had to remind his brain to send signals to his arms telling them to keep his fists to himself; at this point Matt was his only ticket to chocolate. Of course he could beat the crap out of the red head and take his wallet and car keys. Well maybe not, Matt was probably stronger than him anyway if by a long shot the gamer decided to exert enough energy to fight back, and that plan could prove to be somewhat difficult in his current clothing, and also his vulnerable chocolate-deprived state. He'd already devoured the German chocolate from before, there was none at home, he had no wallet, and Wal-Mart had a candy aisle. So if he pretended to be indifferent about his current situation he could get away with spending all of his friend's money on tons of worthless, but delicious calories. And he could also count on make the gamer's life a living hell for the next several months once they got back to his or, their apartment.

Said red head actually wasn't paying much attention to the irritable blonde anyway, which just fueled the anger Mello was trying to brush off. Matt was too preoccupied with rambling about his new video game. Now Mello didn't know much about video games, so he didn't know that in the world of gamers there is a little thing called a "girlfriend button". Said button is the codeword for whichever button on the controller is used to pause the game. A true gamer only pauses when his girlfriend is rambling about something for which you have to pay at least a little attention to, otherwise five minutes later when she asks your opinion you don't know what to say because you were too busy pwning Gannondorfs arse.

Unfortunately Matt never actually got a chance to use this button because it was either 'pay attention to me now' or several rounds shot through his Xbox. If Mello knew that this amazing button existed, then he would now be mentally slamming Matt's mouth's "girl friend button" because what he'd really like to say right now is that no one cares about unlocking some kind of secret something-whatchama-call-it bullcrap to defeat the zombies(yes it was zombies, Matt had to clarify that to him, repeatedly). Mello seriously wondered sometimes if his poor pathetic videogame-whore was a technosexual. But not often, he had more important things to think about other than the sexual attractions of a geek to its electronics. Like chocolate for instance. Oh yeah, and what kind of torture he would bestow upon the red head once he was comfortably back in his own clothing.

Amazingly enough the god of the "girlfriend button" must have been smiling down upon blonde mini-skirt wearing boys that day, because Matt had miraculously stopped rambling. Well, he'd actually stopped completely, 'causing Mello to ever so gracefully walk straight into his back. The impact caused Matt stumbled forward with an equal amount of poise.

"What the hell, why did you stop?!" Mello gritted his teeth, first the stupid boy rambles for twenty minutes straight...Well maybe ten minutes…Okay so they hadn't even been walking for five minutes but Mello was still chocolateless and if he didn't get some soon he was going to resort to the previously stated plan B.

Matt turned to face the agitated blonde. Crossing his arms over his chest, his lips curled into a grin as he jerked his head to the left twice in a subtle manner toward a clothed table full of miniature paper plates.

"Free samples." He said, a hint of amusement in his voice.

The chocolate deficient boy threw his fist at the bemused gamer, but Matt easily caught it, and twisted the clenched hand until he was holding it fast at Mello's side.

"You really must need chocolate, you are painfully slow today." Matt teased, still grinning.

Mello scowled; leaning in toward Matt's face he made a snapping motion with his jaw, the sound of his teeth hitting together made a loud clicking sound.

"Bite me." He spat.

Matt laughed, not quite the reaction the blonde was going for but it was sort of hard to be taken seriously when one was working a frilled out corset.

"Maybe later." Matt stuck his tongue out childishly and winked.

"But now we are getting free samples!"

"You're a fucking moron!" Mello's insult had no effect, Matt was already dragging him over to the small table by the clenched fist he'd never actually let go of. The red head grabbed a plate off the stained table cloth and handed it to Mello, then picked up another for himself.

"C'mon, I know you like french fries." Matt coaxed.

The blonde had half a mind to throw the greasy fast food at the grinning idiots face, but that wouldn't get him any closer to the candy aisle.

"If I eat a damn french fry will you shut up long enough to buy me chocolate so we can leave?" The fries seemed to be growing colder under Mello's icy glare.

"Yes, and I will even promise to stop pestering you for a month." Which wasn't very convincing since Matt never cared to keep track of time.

Mello rolled his eyes at the childish remark and reluctantly took a bite of the free food.

"These fries are disgusting!" He grimaced and spat at the floor.

"Really?" Matt said taking a bite, he let the flavor rest on his taste buds a few seconds before deciding. "No, these fries are delicious."

The annoyed blonde took a french fry off Matt's plate and tried it. Making an even more distorted face than before he spat once again. "These fries are disgusting too!"

Matt did the same as Mello, grabbing a fry off the other's plate he popped it into his mouth and began to chew. "No, they taste exactly the same!" he said still chewing. "These fries are delicious."

"Those fries are disgusting!" Mello argued.

"No, these fries are delicious!"

"Well these fries are disgusting!"

"Wrong, those fries are delicious!"

Matt decided to come in for the win, doing what any experienced arguer (Or seven-year-old) would do. Say the opposite to throw your opponent off.

"Well my fries are disgusting!" Matt said.

"No, your fries are delicious!" Replied Mello.

The argument stopped there with Mello turning a frighteningly blunt pink. Matt was satisfied to have officially gotten back at the blonde, and decided it was safe now to give the poor addict his chocolate.

"I fucking hate you…" Mello hissed.

"Aww, such strong emotions!" Matt teased; he threw the two plates into a garbage can sitting by the table and finally led his poor embarrassed and abused friend to the candy aisle.

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Matt strode into the candy aisle with an angry Mello at his heels. It was amazing the lengths one would go to in order to satisfy an addiction. But finally all of the blonde's shitty day could be drowned out by sugar, cocoa, and god knows how many mind altering endorphins. Too bad dooms day wasn't over yet. When Mello saw who else was patronizing the aisle he would have gone through everything again up to this point ten times repeatedly if he could just disappear right now.

There standing in that exact same aisle inspecting a bag of assorted strawberry-filled chocolates was L.

The red head stopped walking and shouted a greeting, Mello tried to hide behind Matt with minimal success. "Hey L! How's it going?"

"Oh, hello Matt-kun!" L smiled back. "It has been a while since I last saw you…" L saw another set of barren legs behind his gamer-friend's and blinked, a bit confused. "Is that Mello-chan with you? Why is he hiding?"

Matt grinned evily. "I don't know, why are you hiding from L, Mello?" The mischievous gamer stepped aside revealing the petrified blonde figure behind him; he'd been hunched over, as if that would make him somehow less visible.

"Hello Mello-chan! Why were you hiding?" L stared at Mello with his giganticly enormous panda eyes.

"No…I uh…I was…" Very rarely did words ever escape the chocolate addict, but standing point blank in front of your biggest idol while dressed as a twenty dollar whore was enough to leave him marvelously dumb-struck.

L Interrupted his stuttering, smiling in his always pleasant manner. "I like your outfit Mello-chan, it really brings out your eyes."

Say something…just say anything you moron! Mello told himself.

"I..uh..Th-thanks…"

Shoot me… shoot me now…

Mello began walking uncertainly toward L with Matt close behind, but unfortunately a portion of the floor had been cleaned recently and the 'wet floor' signs had been removed prematurely. His boots slid on a slippery patch causing the blond to slip and fall backwards onto Matt who let out a surprised yelp.

"Ah! Mello got off of me!! You're crushing my Pop Rocks!" Matt wiggled an arm free and pushed against Mello's back.

"Wha-?"Mello quickly rolled off of Matt's lap and sat back on his heels. The red head crossed his legs and reached into his pants pocket extracting a small packet of strawberry flavored Pop Rocks.

The two blinked at each other for a few seconds before bursting out into a fit of laughter as they stood and brushed themselves off. L blinked and cocked his head. "I uh…I don't get it? Why are we laughing?" He had said "we", but he'd meant the two younger boys.

A familiar voice spoke clearly from the end of the aisle to answer L's question. "Let me explain it for you in four words, 'Matt. Is. A. Bastard.' The blonde woman set her shopping basket down and began walking toward the three boys.

"Hal?" Mello gasped.

"Lidner!" Matt hissed.

"Who?" L blinked; maybe it would have been a better idea to just wait for Light.

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Normally she wouldn't bother shopping retail, but with the amount of items needing to be replaced it would have been stupid to drive around to each individual specialty store. It had been a relief to finally find everything that was destroyed all in one place anyway. It was hard enough to get ones apartment back in order once it had been massacred by one of nature's most dangerous natural disasters, Hurricane Mello. When she had tried to make any logical sense of the weird chocolate addicts behavior the only conclusion she could ever come to was this; Mello is a kitten. Her own deduction had sounded weird to even herself at first, but the more she thought about it the more it made perfect sense. When one leaves a kitten by itself it gets lonely, so in order to cure its longing for companionship it destroys everything in sight to keep itself amused. And once you finally give it attention, it would much rather claw and bite you to death because it is just way more fun. Oh, and they are pure evil.

But back to her damage control, it had actually taken her quite a bit of time to buy more dishes to take the place of all the ones Mello had broken, the drapes he set on fire when he was bored, the TV set that had been shattered when "Kira's Kingdom" was still running, the washing machine that had pretty much exploded when someone had forgotten to take a foil wrapped chocolate bar out of their pocket before throwing their pants in the laundry, not saying any names. It had been nearly two months since he'd moved out but still Hal would find herself stopping at the candy aisle every time she went shopping.

Which was where she's been headed when something had caught her eye, well not something really, but someone. It was like one of those movies where one of the characters sees one of the other character's head on everyone else's' body. Except, it was only one person, and it looked eerily like their body. But Hal had shaken her head and shrugged it off when she saw their apparel, which was in fact not leather, and oh yeah, woman's clothing. Well maybe "woman's" was too strong a word since it would signify class and refinement and what the look-a-like happened to be wearing was much to raunchy to fit under that category.

She'd all but mentally slapped herself for even thinking it could have been him, but as the two she had been watching turned the corner she caught a glimpse of the second red-heads face.

Matt…

If there had ever been one person in the world she would willingly watch being eaten alive by sharks, it would be him. He was her exact and total opposite, and, unfortunately, Mello's best friend. If she had to describe him in one word it would be this: Multislacker. Definition; One who is very skilled at slacking in multiple ways all at once. But for whatever reason this was the idiot Mello was now staying with and she couldn't help but wonder how her ex-roommate was doing. Hal quietly followed the two until they turned the corner into the candy aisle. She almost turned as well, but decided to stay one aisle over. Hal still wasn't sure whether she wanted to associate with such a moron, that is until she heard an unmistakable voice coming from the next aisle over.

Mello?!

Hal quietly turned the corner and was slightly more than shocked and horrified at what she saw.

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"Mello what are you wearing?" Hal walked over to stand in front of the shorter blonde, she was surprisingly two inches taller and her stiletto heals added at least an extra inch and a half.

Matt stepped between Hal and her ex-roommate and smiled curtly at the taller woman. "What, you don't like it? I picked it out myself."

Hal narrowed her eyes and shoved passed Matt so she was standing in front of Mello again.

"Why don't you come with me? I will get you some new clothes and some chocolate and you can come back to my place." She said sweetly.

Mello stared at her a minute, he was really staring because he was thoroughly shocke that she was in Wal-Mart, he wasn't ever for one second even contemplating going with her. But apparently Mello's stare had given his red headed friend the wrong impression. Matt was beginning to think his the blonde might actually take her up on that offer.

"He doesn't like you so lay off!" Matt pushed in front of Mello again.

"Hey shut up! I can speak for-" Mello started but faltered mid sentence when L tugged at his arm.

"Mello-chan," he whispered, "I think it is better if you and I wait this one out." L had been, and would always be the one person who Mello would obey, and or the only one who could actually shut him up. The blonde nodded and stood silently next to L. "Plus she sort of scares me, I fear for our physical well-being." L added.

"Listen Barbie, Mello has been my best friend for the passed twelve years and he has known you for what, six months? Stop crushing and get over it already, you are a grown woman for gods-sake." The redhead said curtly.

"Excuse me?! You are the one who needs to grow up! You don't even have a job! Oh, I'm sorry, my mistake. Is robbing Seven-Elevens considered an actual career now-a-days? Oh and I'll have you know I probably know twice as much about him as you do considering you have the attention span of a goldfish on speed." Hal mocked.

"O-hu-ho!" Matt scowled. "Who lit your tampon on fire?" Matt smirked. "And if you know him so much better than I do, then what's his favorite color?"

Hal laughed dryly, "You think I am so oblivious that I don't even know his favorite color?" She shook her head. "You really are stupid. Oh, and it is Black."

"Ah! The bitch is wrong! It's Red." Matt said triumphantly.

"Well actually you are both incorrect, it is Chartreuse." L mused looking at the ceiling and tapping his index finger against his lip.

All eyes turned to the raven haired detective.

"I thought you said we were going to stay out of this?" Mello whispered. "…But still, I can't believe you actually remembered that!"

L shrugged, "Why wouldn't I? Oh, and I think you have the right to stop them now."

Mello grunted. "And it was just starting to get amusing…oh well." There were times when you could get away with angering Mello while receiving little more than a black eye or stitches, but when he was really annoyed don't even bother trying to mess with him. The skies turn dark, all the lights flicker on and off, dogs everywhere howl their warnings to the world while mothers cling tightly to their sobbing children. And you, well you better just forget it, you don't even have time to write a will.

The blonde boy stepped between his two feuding friends, and turned first to face Hal. "You….well you are just plain creeping me out, and your voice is like a million tiny daggers lodging themselves in my eardrums and twisting inside my head until all the blood has poured out of my brain through my ears. And you-" He spun around to glare at Matt. "You are acting like a possessive bitch, I will talk to who I want, when I want to and I expect you to shut the hell up and do as you are told. Now you are going to grab 4 cases of those chocolate bars behind L and take me the fuck home, now!"

L grinned, Hal gaped, and Matt obeyed, pulling the four cases off the shelf he silently followed the fuming chocolate addict who was stomping out of the candy aisle as fast as his denim skirt would allow.

"See you Matt-kun, Mello-chan!" L called after them cheerily.

Hal was still standing dumbstruck where Mello had left her. L poked the arm of her expensive suit with his bony index finger and smiled kindly. "This might be an odd question, but do you like kittens?"

The tall woman remained silent.

"I guess not..." L said after receiving no response.

Hal finally collected enough of herself to answer, "Why do you ask?"

"I'm just trying to make conversation." L shrugged, "Do you like cake?"


Heehee...I've always wondered what would happen if Hal and Matt ever met. I like to think it would be Ex-Roommate Vs Current Roommate, and since they both seem like rather possessive people(Like as in touch my stuff and I will shove a chainsaw down your throat)...It just makes me giggle. XD Sorry Near is still MIA, he will come back before the end, I promise. ; ) And yey for kittens! S2

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