He walked home slowly, his head full of Levi's past. He felt that maybe they were getting closer, that Levi shared parts of himself with Eren that he shared with no one else. But he never looked happy about it, and when he said he was going to cause Eren pain Eren felt that he meant it. He just had to hope that Levi underestimated him, that he was made of stronger stuff.
He had to be made of stronger stuff. He wanted to stand beside him on the prow of the Freedom again, but under full sail for the horizon.
I can do it, Captain. I'll answer your question. It's all right, no matter what you do to me I'll make myself someone you can be proud of. He made these vows silently, his head down as he walked home, his hands clenching and unclenching at his sides as he thought it through.
He was scared. Levi had done his best to scare him, and it had worked.
Part of him did want to stay in Shiganshina, to go to school and fool about and content himself with dreaming out the window when the weather was nice. He could almost make himself believe he'd be happy if he did that, but every time he visualised the Freedom sailing away, her green flag snapping in the breeze, her figurehead leaping over the waves and her keel gliding out past the breakwater he knew he couldn't let that happen. He couldn't wake up in the mornings and face a day where he wouldn't see Captain Levi or hear his voice.
It would be better to die than to fail in this. What other purpose would he have in life? How could he face himself in the mirror in the mornings if he just gave up?
He was monosyllabic at dinner. He did his homework because he didn't have anything better to do with his time. He paced around his room like a caged animal, swinging an imaginary sword.
All Levi's old friends are dead.
Eren couldn't imagine it. No wonder he didn't feel like making any new ones. He had to do something, had to.
Eventually he had to go to bed.
School. Docks. He barely noticed the day go by. The hull was nearly finished. Oluo had done a beautiful job on the figurehead. Levi wasn't there. Another day passed. Eren practised sword fighting in his room with a wooden ruler.
"When are you leaving? I mean, when are we leaving?" Eren asked Hange. The painting was done, and they were just waiting for it to dry. There'd been no work for them that afternoon.
"Day after tomorrow," they said cheerfully. "Just have to get her out of drydock, and then load up with supplies."
What? How did this happen so fast? He thought he had a few more days. He felt like the air had been knocked out of his lungs.
"Where's Captain Levi?"
"Making arrangements with Erwin, probably. What's wrong, Eren?" Hange cocked their head to the side sympathetically.
"Hange, do you know if Captain Levi thinks I'm ready to leave with you?"
"Hm, I'm not sure. You know what he's like; he never shares what he's thinking most of the time. I think he likes you though, because I don't think he's ever had an apprentice before, and he's always making time to show you things."
"Yeah?" Eren was happy about this, but at the same time he knew Levi would act in what he thought were his best interests, and if that meant leaving him behind, he'd do so and he wouldn't look back.
"I'm sure it will be fine," Hange said. "And if it's not, you can always beg on your knees."
"Do you think that will work?"
"I don't know. I've never seen anyone do it before, which means it might be worth a try."
Eren wasn't convinced, but if he ran out of other options, what else was he going to do? He thanked Hange joined Armin and Mikasa for the walk home.
"The day after tomorrow," Eren said. "Where'd the time go?"
"What do you think our chances are?" Mikasa asked.
They looked at Armin; if anyone would know it would be him. "To be honest," Armin rubbed the back of his neck. "It feels like they like having us around, but that we're just visiting. We're probably too young, Eren."
"I refuse to accept that!" Eren shouted. He lowered his voice as people turned to look at them. "Captain Levi has-" Taught me so much. Moved the ground under my feet. Looked me in the eye. Caught me when I was about to fall. Stowed my heart away somewhere in that big grey coat of his and I don't know how to get it back and I don't want to. "Hasn't said anything either way yet. We can ask him tomorrow. Go down on our knees and beg if we have to."
"I'm not begging," Mikasa said. "You can if you must."
"Let's not panic until we see what he says," Armin said, sensible as always. "I'm going home now, I want to spend some time with my grandfather in case Captain Levi does agree to sign us on."
Armin's comment was like a slap in the face. Eren had been so focused on leaving that he hadn't actually considered the ins and outs of saying goodbye. Maybe this was what Levi meant by not being ready, not thinking things through.
"Yeah, we should do the same, shouldn't we?"
Mikasa nodded.
They went home while the sun was still in the sky. Carla was surprised to see them home so early.
"Let's take you out," Eren suggested. "Somewhere nice for afternoon tea."
Carla looked at them for a few moments, a little bit sadly, and then she put away the broom she'd been holding. "Let me get my hat," she said.
They walked either side of her, holding her hands like they had when they were smaller as they strolled into town. They had enough pocket money saved to take her to a cafe that overlooked the harbour. She had to know why they were doing this, but she played along, laughing at their jokes, and assuring them that she was having a wonderful time while they plied her with tea and sandwiches.
Eren wanted to wrap his arms around her and promise he'd come back, but he knew Levi wouldn't approve of promises he didn't know he could keep. So in the end he said nothing. He trusted that she understood, however. They walked her home, and helped her make dinner.
That evening, Eren went up to his room and opened his cupboard and started packing. He unearthed his winter clothes and crammed everything he thought he'd need somewhat haphazardly into a canvas bag. It didn't look like much, but he wouldn't need the pictures of ships stuck to his wall, or his schoolbooks, or his old toys. He'd grown out of them.
When he caught Mikasa's eye later, he knew she'd been doing the same thing.
"Did you even try?" Shadis asked, standing over Eren the next day his hands full of marked homework.
"No Sir," Eren said truthfully.
Shadis narrowed his eyes and stalked on, but Eren didn't care what he was planning. He was leaving this place, and Shadis had no more power over him now. He was so nervous he felt sick; he'd barely been able to eat all day. Tomorrow they'd leave.
Levi depending.
Eren got extra homework that afternoon. He made a show of writing it down. When Shadis dismissed them, Eren looked around the noisy classroom, trying to imprint this memory firmly in his mind. Once he went over the horizon, he would change, and this would never be the same. When he came back his friends would have aged without him, and he without them.
By now they were used to Eren, Mikasa and Armin doing their own thing after school, and they got nothing more but some half-hearted waves as the two groups split up. Eren watched them go.
The Freedom was on the water. She was moored by the pier, and dock workers were loading her up with barrels and boxes of supplies for the voyage ahead. There was no sign of the crew, and Eren supposed they were making the most of their last day ashore.
"She looks lovely," Armin said, as they came to a halt next to her, keeping out of the way of the workers and gazing up at the Freedom's fresh, clean paint. Her flag was flying, although her sails were still furled. She was like a fine horse waiting for the stall door to open, to be allowed to run the way she'd been born to do.
Eren had forgotten. He'd seen her in drydock for so long, he'd forgotten how she sat in the water, how she held herself proudly above the waves. How she moved in the gentle swell to the faint creaking of rope. How she made his heart ache with promises of beyond the horizon.
"There's the captain," Mikasa said.
Levi was on deck, watching the goods being carried below with a critical eye.
"Captain Levi," Eren called. "Permission to come aboard, Sir?"
Levi glanced at them and nodded.
Once they were on board they approached Levi and stood to attention.
"Captain Levi, we are prepared to sail with the Freedom tomorrow, Sir."
"Oh."
"We've said our goodbyes and packed our bags," Eren said, meeting his eyes boldly. "We're ready."
Levi looked at them for one long moment.
"No you're not."
It was like he'd been punched in the gut.
"What?" he wasn't sure he'd heard correctly. He'd managed to convince himself that everything would work out. It had to.
"You heard me," Levi said in a harder tone. "You're not ready to leave. I will not hear any arguments about this, Eren." He raised his voice as Eren leaned forward, drawing breath to shout, forestalling his angry response.
Eren felt like he was going to cry, but he refused to do so in front of Levi. That would just confirm his decision.
"I'll be back, Eren," Levi said, more softly. "Someday."
"You don't know that," Eren said. "You can't promise that." He met his eyes again. "You said yourself it's dangerous. You could die out there!" And if that happened, part of Eren would die too, he was sure of it. "I can't just sit here and wait for months on end not knowing what happened to you." Levi regarded him solemnly. "And if I'm here I'm no use in preventing that."
"You think you could protect me?" Levi asked. "Do you think you'd make the difference between my death and survival?'
"Yes!"
"Well, you're wrong," Levi said. "I'd be looking after you, constantly." He shook his head. "That's enough Eren. I'm not going to discuss it further with any of you. Get off my ship."
Levi turned and stalked back across the quarterdeck. Mikasa and Armin turned to go.
"Come on, Eren," Mikasa said, pulling on his arm. He let himself be pulled, miserably. He barely noticed the seagulls or the afternoon breeze, or noise from the dock workers. All he could hear was his own harsh breathing in his ears.
Stupid, stupid kid.
They were halfway down the gangplank when Eren stopped.
"No."
"Eren, he told us not to argue," Armin said.
"I don't care." He pulled his arm free of Mikasa's grip and ran back on board. The others didn't follow.
He heard a door close. Levi must have gone below deck, back to his quarters. Eren ran after him, crossed the quarterdeck and wrenched the door open.
"Levi!"
"Eren, I told you-"
Eren had no words that would work, no arguments that would convince him. All he had was his will and courage, and endless stupidity. This was all wrong, and he didn't know how to make it right but he couldn't wouldn't let Levi go. He had to make him understand, even if it killed him.
Levi was only a few steps away from the door where Eren had burst through it, and Eren closed the gap in seconds.
He flung his arms around Levi's shoulders, took a deep breath, and kissed him. Levi stiffened, his eyes open wide in sheer shock as Eren angled his mouth across Levi's lips. He felt Levi's mouth twitch slightly. Eren shut his eyes, uncertain as to what to do next, moving his lips experimentally against Levi's non-responsive ones.
This was probably the dumbest thing he'd ever done, but he just felt so desperate. If he didn't do something, anything, Levi would leave him behind.
Levi didn't move. Eren could feel his breath against his skin but otherwise he stayed completely still. In the absence of being shoved aside, Eren grew bolder, flicking the tip of his tongue across Levi's bottom lip. He tasted faintly of salt.
And still Levi didn't move. Eren risked opening an eye, starting to feel silly. Levi was glaring at him – no, that was too mild a word. Eren didn't know what sort of expression he was wearing but the term 'livid with rage' came to mind.
Eren pulled back. As soon as he loosened his grip, Levi grabbed a fistful of his shirt and slammed him back into a wall.
"What," he grated out, his upper lip curled. "Was that in aid of?" Eren could see his teeth gleaming between bloodless lips. His eyes were as sharp and cruel as his blades.
"I." Eren licked his lips. "I couldn't just let you leave. This is how I feel, Captain Levi-" He nearly bit his tongue when Levi pulled him forward far enough to shove him back against the wall again. Levi ground his shoulder blades and vertebra into the wall, and his knuckles dug painfully into his ribs.
"How dare you?" Levi said softly. "When you haven't even answered my fucking question," he snarled. "You didn't even listen, you just ran away and hid like a frightened child. And you think you're ready to leave. You haven't even started getting ready."
"Levi, I'm sorry." He wasn't even sure what he was apologising for, but whatever it was, he was so very, very sorry. "What was the question? I'll listen, I'll promise."
With Eren's shirt still wound around his fist, Levi dragged him back out into the sunlight, Eren stumbling after him with his collar tight against the back of his neck.
Mikasa and Armin were on the docks, watching and waiting for him with expressions that didn't grow any less worried when they saw Levi hauling him out. Levi frog-marched him across the deck to the gangplank and then pulled him close, so he could hiss into Eren's ear.
"Where's Annie?"
A sound like breaking glass.
Then he gave Eren a vicious shove that sent him staggering down the gangplank and almost tumbling off the side into the bay. Mikasa ran forward to steady him, glaring over Eren's shoulder at Levi.
"Eren, are you all right? He didn't have to do that."
"He did." Eren looked over his shoulder, but Levi was already walking away. He felt hollow, gutted.
What did Annie matter? Who cared?
Everything had gone wrong. He let Mikasa steer him home. He let his mind fall blank as he looked around at Shiganshina, as quiet and peaceful as always. He loved this place, he did, but he realised now it was not with all his heart.
Levi might never come back. He might die out there and Eren would never see him again.
Carla saw the expressions on their faces when they arrived home and she wrapped one arm around each of them, holding her children close.
"It's all right, Eren," she said, pressing a kiss to his forehead. "You'll get another chance someday. I know you did your very best, and I'm proud of you. Both of you."
Eren just wanted to go up to his room and hide, so he did. He closed the door behind him, his gaze falling on the canvas bag of clothes by the foot of his bed.
He nearly tripped over it as he strode across the room and flopped face down in the blankets, sniffling slightly. He'd kissed Levi, and Levi hadn't even cared. He hadn't even acknowledged Eren's feelings at all. He'd just been angry at his space being invaded. Maybe that was all Eren was to him, an invasion of his space. If that was the case, why would he want to be on his ship anyway? What was the point?
Eren started sorting miserably through the memories of the last couple of weeks.
You'll come with us.
This blade is mine, but I have others. If you accept it, it is yours, Eren.
Where's Annie?
Fuck you. Eren gritted his teeth and refused to cry and eventually fell asleep just to escape his endlessly churning thoughts, while outside the sun sank to the tolling of ship's bells out in the harbour.
When he woke up it was dark. There wasn't even any light coming from under his door, which meant it had to be pretty late. He sat up in bed and rubbed his eyes, feeling dopey and slow. He was thirsty and he felt his way downstairs to get a drink from the kitchen.
On the kitchen table he found a dish covered in a cloth, and when he peered underneath he saw a slab of shepard's pie and some vegetables. He realised he was hungry too. The leftovers were stone cold but Eren couldn't be bothered lighting the stove and warming them up. After gulping down a couple of mugs of water he lit a lamp, and ate alone in the quiet of the night.
He had to do something, he had to think of a plan. The Freedom left tomorrow, and then it would all be too late. He had to be on board-
He put down his fork, his eyes widening as his brain finally kicked into gear.
Once they were out at sea, Levi wouldn't turn around for anything, he was certain of it. If he was already on board, they'd just have to cope. It was so obvious, he wondered why he hadn't thought of it earlier; he'd just become a stowaway.
He breathed a sigh of relief. He'd come up with the answer in time. Just. He went back upstairs and knocked softly on Mikasa's door, so softly that it took him a while to wake her up.
"Eren?" she said sleepily, peering through the crack. "Isn't it the middle of the night?"
"I've got a plan. We have to stowaway on board the Freedom before she leaves tomorrow."
"Are you serious?" She rubbed her face. "You are, of course you are."
"Are you already packed?"
"Yeah."
"Good. I'm going to go and tell Armin. Get back to sleep, but we have to leave early."
"Are you sure this is a good idea, Eren?"
"We don't have any choice; it's the only chance we have left. Good or bad doesn't come into it."
"All right."
Armin didn't respond when Eren threw stones at his window, so he climbed up to wake his friend personally. Armin shrieked and jolted awake when Eren shook his shoulder. Eren told him not to sleep in, and Armin said he'd be there. He didn't look very happy about being woken up, and Eren got the impression he agreed just so he could go back to sleep again.
Eren went home but he could barely sleep. He forced himself to lie there, tossing and turning, waiting for the sky to start getting light.
Eren and Mikasa packed some food as the morning light started filtering in to the kitchen. They didn't know how long they'd be down in the hold, and it seemed wise to bring some supplies. They took one last look around their childhood home, and tiptoed out, their packs on their backs. Even Grisha didn't get up this early.
"It's a shame to leave like this," Mikasa said, looking back over her shoulder at the house.
"Maybe." But it made it easier too. Eren didn't feel like crying and he didn't have to stumble over painful goodbyes. The fishing fleet would be coming in soon with the morning catch, and there were plenty of people and cats waiting for them down by the docks. Armin was there before them, sitting on his pack and trying to look awake.
Some of the Freedom's sails were unfurled, Eren could see them over the last row of buildings before the docks. It looked like she was going to leave soon.
Eren was wrong.
When they hurried out onto the docks, Eren realised the Freedom was already moving, sliding away from the pier into the rising sun.
"No," Eren moaned. He stumbled. Shit.
Even if he ran to the end of the pier and jumped, the Freedom was already too far away. He gritted his teeth and pressed his palms to his eyes.
"I'm sorry, Eren," Armin said, putting a hand on his back. "Maybe next time."
"No," he croaked. He lifted his head. "No. There's still one last chance." Levi didn't think he was prepared to sacrifice enough. He'd prove Levi wrong. Eren got to his feet and shrugged off his pack.
"Eren, what are you doing?" Mikasa asked.
"I'm going to see what's over the horizon," he said. He didn't have time to think, let alone explain or argue. He hoped the others would follow, but he couldn't afford to wait and make sure. He ran.
He didn't run along the pier, he knew that would be hopeless and as safe and dramatic a gesture as that would be, Eren knew it wouldn't fool Levi. So he ran along the arm of the bay, past the shipyards and the fish markets. The sun threw his shadow nearly twenty feet away.
He ran faster than he had ever run before.
The Freedom was making her way towards the mouth of the harbour, past the breakwater. She was moving slowly, letting the smaller fishing boats move around her, the bow wave feet below the figurehead's hooves. Eren turned his head to glance at her occasionally, but mostly he concentrated on speed, his gaze fixed on the ground in front of him.
The cool morning air gave him energy and dried the sweat on his forehead and temples. His breath rasped in his throat and he prayed he wouldn't get a stitch. He ran along the side of the bay, his legs aching. He was pulling ahead of the Freedom, just.
I will leave this place, I swear.
When he reached the breakwater, he barely slowed down. Despite the danger of slipping he bounded from one rock to the next, scrambling for balance, the spray stinging his eyes. He watched as the Freedom started to slide past the end of the breakwater, agonisingly slowly and far too fast. Once she was out of harbour, she'd be gone.
Eren tried to yell but he had no breath, no voice for it. All he could do was run. He could see the details on the side of the ship. He could count the canons. He could see the crew hauling on ropes. He could see Captain Levi at the wheel, staring ahead into the sunlit sea.
He was so close.
When he reached the end of the breakwater, he didn't hesitate, he leaped.
The water was like a blow from all directions, cold and deep as it closed over his head. Eren struck out for the surface, kicking hard. He spat out a mouthful of water, blinking, where was the Freedom?
She was right there. He snorted water out of his nose after a swell sent his head under again and then he started striking out, beyond the breakwater. If he could just cling on, or get close enough for them to hear him, it would be okay.
He could hear the shouts of the crew and the wind humming in the rigging.
He was so tired. His muscles protested and he gasped for breath, but he refused to turn around and go back to the breakwater. He thrashed, and his head went under the water again, and he caught a glimpse of the endless dark blue beneath his feet.
He felt cold fear clutch at him, but he forced himself onwards. The current tugged him down and the surface looked far away. He found himself fighting against the urge to fill his lungs again, sealing his mouth tight against the water. He kicked upwards, his legs tired from running. He was just a piece of nothing in the endless blue, all his energy going into reaching the surface again. He tried not to think about what was beneath him. He didn't know where the Freedom was. He just needed to breathe.
Levi, please, find me.
He was running out of reserves. His brain was screaming at him that he needed air. Everything ached.
The surface! He gasped for breath and a wave rolled right over him, and water poured into his lungs and he coughed and that made it worse. Salt stung his throat and sinuses. He flailed a hand above the water, hoping that someone would see him.
He couldn't keep himself up any longer. The darkness below him seemed to be reaching up for him, cold water pulling him down.
He was going to die for this, he realised, to leave this behind. He was so cold, and so tired. He paddled weakly in the water, still chasing the Freedom, still wanting to see beyond the horizon. He was never, ever going to give up. He felt his grip on conciousness slipping.
A sound like breaking glass.
A sound like breaking glass.
A sound like breaking a heart.
Eren opened his eyes.
He gasped, finally filling his disused lungs with air.
"Eren!" Corporal Levi leaned over him, deep shadows under his eyes and his face pale in the lantern-light. Everything smelled musty.
It picked her up, pulled her out of the ruins of their home in its enormous hands. She struggled, her arms pushing uselessly against its fingers, and it took her in both hands and snapped-
Snapped her back. And then it lifted her up and dropped her into its mouth and he saw those teeth close over her broken body and her blood flew in the dirty air. Right before his eyes.
His mother was dead.
So many people were dead. He'd never seen the ocean.
Eren threw his head back and wailed.
