Author's Note: Seriously, guys. I love you all but you have to start reviewing. I'm open to praise, criticism, being told that I'm an idiot, suggestions, questions, concerns…please remember that I'm not Edward! I can't just read your minds. Let me know what you amazing people are thinking.
DISCLAIMER: Edward owns a Volvo, Alice owns a Porsche, Rosalie owns a BMW. I don't own any of those. And what a coincidence--I don't own Twilight, either!
Author's Note Part Dos: Edward will only be listening to Carlisle's thoughts in this chapter. To keep you from getting mental voices confused, Carlisle's thoughts will be in bold italics. Edward's thoughts will be in italics.
And finally…this is my favorite chapter so far. I hope you love it!
Chapter Seven: "Masochistic" Edward's POV
I quietly padded into the room with Carlisle, my eyes eagerly running over my love's sleeping body for the first time in five years. My heart lurched as I was floored by her beauty. She was curled up into a fetal position, her luscious brown hair wildly sprawled out about the bed. She hadn't cut it in a while; this was the longest I had ever seen it.
"Are you alright?" Carlisle mentally asked me.
I paused for a painful minute, and then nodded. "She looks healthy," I whispered.
"She's going to dwindle quickly, though. She had quite a fight tonight."
My heart broke as I heard Carlisle's memories. Bella, heaving over the toilet, crying in pain…
No angel should ever have to go through that kind of hell.
"Edward, are you sure you can do this?" my father thought.
I nodded again. Now that I was at her bedside, I crouched and placed her hand in mine. She felt cooler than she usually did. I couldn't resist pressing my lips to her bruised hand.
"Who gave her this IV?" I asked acidly.
"A nurse replaced it. Why?"
"She's hurt," I replied.
"Edward, you know bruising happens."
"I know," I sighed.
Forgetting Carlisle altogether, I brushed her hair out of her lovely face. She had deep circles under her eyes and sores on her lips from the acid in her vomit.
She was beautiful.
I pressed a lock of mahogany hair to my nose. First, I smelled sweat from her battle with tonight's round of chemotherapy. And then I smelled shampoo.
No hint of her mouthwateringly delicious scent.
Carefully, I took her hand and put her wrist to my nose. My entire being reeled at the unfamiliar scent. Instead of wine sweeter than honeysuckle, I smelled bitterness.
"Carlisle," I choked. "The stench is awfully strong."
"I know, son. The cells have multiplied."
Before I could stop myself, I growled.
Bella stirred, and I froze. The still-familiar frustration of being deaf to her thoughts kicked in.
"Mmm," she murmured. "I'm bleeding. Hold your breath…"
I paused, confused. She wasn't bleeding at all. Was she dreaming…about me? After all of these years?
"Edward, I don't mean to rush you, but people are going to get suspicious if I stay in her room all night," my father warned me.
I nodded. "The needle, please," I whispered.
He handed me the little needle with the tube attached. I sanitized her thumb and pricked it. The plastic tube filled with blood quickly. It smelled truly awful, which worried me. A stronger stench equaled more infected cells.
When the tube was filled, I pulled the needle out of her skin, leaving a large sphere of blood on her thumb. Gingerly, I pressed my tongue to it.
I felt like gagging as the bitter, sharp taste filled my mouth. Carlisle lent me a paper cup filled with water, and I splashed it around my mouth before spitting back into the cup. "That's bad," I whispered. "Nothing like her…appeal."
"Is it worse than the tests are showing?"
"Absolutely," I whispered. "I can't even pick up any trace of the chemo."
"It's too early to change the chemo…"
"Can we increase it?"
"Yes, but it will be harder on her…"
I sighed. There were no right turns in this endless maze.
"Edward, I have to go. Do you want to stay here with her?"
I swallowed hard. I was going to leave, but I looked down at her perfect face and lost my train of thought. "Uh, yeah," I whispered.
Carlisle dropped the tube of blood into his coat pocket and left.
My eyes instantly raked down her face. Absolute perfection…how have I lived without this? Unthinkingly, I touched her delicate face. Her skin was as soft and smooth as it had always been. My fingertips gently traced her cheeks and cheekbones, with every cell in my being silently screaming. Though I had the planes of her face memorized, my hands worked on rememorizing all of her features. Her smooth forehead, still untouched by any signs of again. Her delicate eyelids and the thick fringes of lashes that used to tickle my face whenever she kissed my neck or my cheek. Her soft, slender cheeks that lacked healthy color. The straight bridge of her nose--it took all of my might to keep from nuzzling it with mine. The little crease above her lips that my finger had often played in. Her full lips, the top just a little too full for the bottom, the very lips I had forbade myself from daydreaming about. Softly and quietly, I kissed my index finger and pressed it to her mouth. Knowing I had little self-control, I moved to her chin and jaw line. How many times had I kissed along her jaw, going down to her luscious-smelling neck? Softly, I pulled her hair back from her neck and let my nose skim it.
Of course it smells wrong. But the temperature was almost right…
Stroking her neck with my fingers, my eyes wandered down to the rest of her body. It was sheathed in a hospital gown, which wasn't necessarily a seductive article of clothing, but it was thin enough to show the lines and curves of her body. I felt sensations I hadn't felt in a very long time…I looked back to her face, ashamed of myself.
She was frowning, a little crease between her eyebrows. My heart broke all over again as I recognized her "worry face". What is she dreaming of? I wished--for the millionth time--I could hear her thoughts.
"Mmm," she murmured. ""Edward?"
I froze as I heard my name. Is she awake? How could I be so stupid?
I slowly slid into the floor, removing my fingers from her neck. I crouched in the darkness and waited to see if she was awake. She was quiet for a minute, but eventually rolled on her side so her back was to me.
I stood back up and realized that she was shivering. I sighed quietly as I stood up and pulled the blankets and sheet over her and tucked them around d her.
Okay, Edward. Time to go. Leave her be.
I stroked her hair and patted her shoulder softly. "Goodbye, my love," I whispered before turning to leave.
"Edward, I love you."
I halted to a stop. The words were plain as day. I quickly turned and looked at her.
She was still asleep.
Unable to resist going back to her, I went and sat on the bed.
"I love you," she repeated.
"I love you, too, my Bella," I murmured. "More than you know."
"Do you really?"
"Yes, love," I admitted. "I know it's hard to believe, but I do."
"Will you come lay with me?"
How could I not? I stretched out on the right side of the bed, not touching her. "Like this?" I asked her softly, completely crazed. Why are you doing this, Edward? Quit being an idiot.
"Yes, just like that," she said. "This meadow is gorgeous, isn't it?"
She's dreaming about our meadow, I marveled. She still thinks of that day?
I closed my eyes and pictured the little field, with all of the purple, blue, and yellow flowers blossoming around us. "Yes it is, love." I opened my eyes and looked at her. "You're much more beautiful, though," I said truthfully.
She smiled. "That's not true…but thank you."
"Anytime," I replied. "Do you remember how you held my hand, and stroked my face?" God, I'm insane…
"Yes," she grinned. "And then you kissed me, and I was so dizzy…"
I laughed softly. "You were so adorable."
"'And so the lion fell in love with the lamb,'" she murmured, saying the words I had told her so many years ago…
How many times can a heart break in one night? I swallowed the lump in my throat. "Yes, I believe I said that," I nodded. "That still hasn't changed, you know."
"I know. I'm still your stupid lamb."
I started quivering. "Bella, you deserve someone better than me."
"Shh, Edward. Don't ruin this moment. You always ruin moments with your depressed moods. Don't I make you happy?"
"More than anything, sweetheart," I admitted.
She smiled. "Good. Can I do something?"
"Anything."
This was the tipping point. I started shaking with the strange dry sobs I had experienced for five years now. She leaned into me, her lips searching blindly for mine. "Love," I choked. "Don't break my heart…"
"Why would it break your heart?" she asked. "Don't you love me?"
"Yes, my love…"
"Then fine." She pressed her lips to mine, and I couldn't resist. I kissed her back, marveling at the feeling…I had starved myself of this. How did I live without kissing Bella everyday? Her lips were absolutely vital to my thriving…to my surviving…
When she pulled away, I sighed. I had cheated. Once again, I had coveted what did not belong to me. Those few seconds of happiness would result in decades of suicidal sorrow, but I welcomed the pain. The kiss was worth it, even if she was asleep and unaware of my actual presence. I couldn't find anything of equal value, beauty, or perfection.
Yes, surely the kiss would be the death of me. It was certainly our last kiss. It probably wouldn't be her last kiss, but it was most certainly mine. There was no one in the world like her. There was no way I could muster up for anyone else one-hundredth of the love I felt for her. It was unthinkable. Impossible.
"And so the lion fell in love with the lamb…" she murmured again.
I sighed, slowly dying inside. Both to Bella and myself, I whispered, "What a sick, masochistic lion."
