Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight. I just want Edward. Rated M for mature content, foul language, and lemony smut. Please stop reading if you feel you might be offended.
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Edward ignored me for the rest of the afternoon. Alice and I sat on the futon watching TV, and he disappeared into his room. He left his door open, and every so often I would discreetly glance his way to see what he was doing. But he was never looking at me.
He was working on a paper or something on his computer. He had a stack of library books at his feet, and occasionally he'd take one, flip through it, and then return it to the pile. I desperately wanted to go in there and see what he was doing, what he was writing about. But I figured he would have asked if he wanted me around, so I sat silently by Alice, pretending to watch Gossip Girl.
Emmett stuck his head in at one point and asked if we had any interest in a party. Alice laughed. "C'mon Em, when was the last time Bell and I turned down free booze, drinking games, and a good time with college boys."
Emmett smiled and shook his head. "Thought so. Well, we'll eat dinner on campus tonight and get ready to go at about 10:00."
"What kind of party is it? Bella and I will need to get something to wear."
I groaned in displeasure and Alice elbowed me hard in the ribs, but Emmett responded and his words practically made my day. "No theme. Just a good, old-fashioned college keg party."
Alice seemed disappointed and mumbled something about lack of effort and creativity. I couldn't help but smile. If Alice had her way, no party would ever go un-themed; her world revolved around reasons to dress the part.
Emmett walked across into Edward's room, and I was pleased to overhear that he would be coming to the party with us later. But I couldn't bask in my happiness for too long because Alice was tugging at my hand saying that we had to go shopping right then and there for our party outfits.
"Nope," I responded. "You heard Emmett. No theme." Ha.
But Alice just rolled her eyes and stood up, slipping her feet into silver ballet flats. "Yea. And I'm sure Reagan will show up in jeans and a t-shirt too…"
Hmm. Point taken. Well played my little friend. Well played. So I grabbed my wallet and followed her out the door.
Alice had noticed a few shops and boutiques a couple blocks off campus when we'd driven in. We could walk there.
"So, um…" Alice began, looking down at the pavement as we walked through the student parking lot. She was searching for words and sounded almost nervous. Alice was never nervous. Shit. I knew where this was headed.
"Are you gonna talk to Edward?"
"Alice…"
"No Bella, I'm serious," she retorted, "I see the way you look at him, and I know he's all you think about. And you were like best friends. I don't know what all happened between you, but I can tell you want more."
I stared at her speechless. But she was right, and she knew she was.
"You want more," she repeated, doing her best to keep her voice even. I realized that this was a difficult topic for her to discuss, as the idea of me wanting her brother at all was probably rather disturbing. "But that's never going to happen," she continued, "if you don't talk to him about it. I know Edward, and he's not just going to change on his own. He might change for you though," she mused, "if you talk to him that is. Otherwise, he's just gonna keep doing what he's always done, and, for some reason, I don't think that's what you want."
"He didn't have sex with Reagan last night." I offered. I don't know why I said it. It just came out.
"What?" She looked at me, eyes wide. "But, how, I mean, why do know that. Did you ask him?"
I shrugged. "He told me." That was kind of true.
Alice's jaw dropped; she stopped dead in her tracks and turned to stare at me. "When?"
"Last night. You and Em were already asleep. We talked for a while." Also kinda true.
"But you talked about sex?" She practically whispered the word, like it was a big secret or something. And I had to laugh. Alice had no idea.
"That's not really anything new."
She looked at me pointedly, expecting elaboration. I sighed. Alice didn't really know about our twisted practice of sharing sex stories. Or, more accurately, Edward's practice of sharing as I sat listening, trying not to hyperventilate while imagining what it would be like if it were me.
"We talk about everything Alice." Or, at least, we used to.
"Like what?" She couldn't hide her curiosity.
I continued matter-of-factly. "He fucked Jessica Stanley at a party our sophomore year. In the downstairs bathroom, on the countertop. She's loud, but he likes that."
"Oh my God!" she shrieked. "Jessica Stanley? Really? Way too much information about Edward's noise preferences, but I guess you would know…"
I ignored that comment and continued undeterred. Edward might hate me for it, but this could be fun. Alice wanted to talk about me and her brother, and she was about to get her wish. And when I was done, I was willing to bet she wouldn't be so eager to broach the topic again.
"Yea. Stanley more than once, actually. And Lauren Mallory. In the back seat of his car on her driveway, while her parents ate dinner inside."
Alice nodded. "I heard about that. Denied it, but heard about it."
"And Tanya Denali, last year, that first weekend after she got here. And Kate, that same weekend."
Alice gasped. "I always knew Edward was a whore, but sheesh…"
"And Rosalie." I almost didn't say it. Probably shouldn't have. Shit. Why'd I say that? I guess I was tired of not having anyone to talk to. Edward's sex life was an intrinsic part of our ever-complicated relationship. And if Alice wanted to talk about it, well, she needed to understand.
She made a strangled little gasping, gagging sound and stopped walking again, holding her arm out, forcing me to stop too.
"Rosalie... as in Emmett's Rosalie?" She asked in disbelief.
I just nodded.
"Rosalie Hale, as in my Jasper's sister?" She questioned again.
"Yea." I answered quietly, wishing perhaps that I hadn't been so candid.
"Does Em…know?" she asked hesitantly.
"Yes. And it happened before he and Rose were together too." Like twelve hours before, but Alice didn't need to know that detail.
"Oh. Okay." That pacified her somewhat, and we began walking again.
A block or so later she spoke again, asking hesitantly, "have you had sex with Emmett?"
I practically choked on my gum. Wow. Didn't see that one coming. But I managed to sputter, "NO" as emphatically as I could. "I don't think they share all their girls, Alice." I teased, once I'd regained my ability to speak.
"Good," she began again slowly, thinking about her next words. "But you did sleep with Edward."
"Yea. I have. We have." She already knew anyway.
"And after everything you know about him, everything he's done, you still like him?"
I nodded. "You know what Alice?"
"Hmmm?"
"I've never told anyone this, but I think I love him." And of course it was true. Always had been.
We walked silently for a few minutes. I could see the shops up ahead. Finally Alice responded. "Okay then. Well, we're gonna make sure you look good tonight. And you need to figure out what to say because you're gonna talk to him."
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When Alice and I got back to the dorm room, Edward's door had been partially closed. Emmett was in there, and they were speaking in low, clipped voices. I thought I heard my name but didn't think much of it; I was probably just imagining things.
Shortly after, Emmett emerged, only to shut himself up in his own room, mumbling something about taking a nap. Alice curled up on the futon to watch more TV, but eyed rather pointedly when I sat down to join her.
"What?" I'd asked, completely clueless.
"Go talk to him," she'd commanded in a hushed whisperer. "Now's as good a time as any. He's alone, and he can't still be working on that paper. It's Friday afternoon. Besides, you sure as hell want to talk to him before we get to that party tonight where every available blonde at UW will be all over him."
True. So I forced myself to get up, and I tentatively walked into his room.
He was sprawled out on his bed reading, and he was shirtless. Mouthwateringly so. I averted my eyes, then I quickly turned to shut the door behind me. He smiled that perfectly crooked smile and dropped his worn copy of Oryx and Crake on the floor. I love that he loves Atwood. Who am I kidding? I'd love whatever he loved. But that's beside the point.
I stood there, awkward and uncomfortable, staring at him. My stomach twisted and flipped anxiously, and my mouth was suddenly very dry. I swallowed noisily and fidgeted with the hem of my shirt while Edward waited patiently, watching me with curiosity. God Bella. Say something. Say anything.
And I knew that it was absolutely ridiculous. Less than four hours ago, we were having sex right there on the floor. And now, I couldn't even open my mouth or look him in the eye. Pathetic. And even more of a reason why I really needed to talk to him.
"Bella?" he questioned after a few long moments. "Did you want to come talk to me, or did you just want to stand there in my doorway for a little while?"
He smirked, and I blushed. Typical.
"Come here," he demanded, patting the bed next to him. And I did.
I sat down on the edge of his bed, but he immediately wrapped an arm around my waist and pulled me down beside him.
We lay shoulder-to-shoulder, and I struggled to remember what I wanted to say. But my body reacted to him instantly, pushing any rational thoughts out of my head. All I wanted to do was roll over, straddle him, and drag my tongue in one long wet streak along his neck. Mmmmm…
Stop Bella. Focus.
But it was impossible to focus lying next to Edward. My tension and anxiety seemed to melt away, and all I felt was him. The air between crackled and hummed and buzzed around my body and my heart sputtered erratically. Jesus, not now Bella.
"Did you want to talk to me?" he turned his head, breathing into my ear. "Or did you have something else, perhaps, in mind?" His voice was gravelly and low and so damn sexy, and the warmth of his breath sent shivers down my spine.
"I, um…" Shit Bella, a full sentence would be nice about now.
"That's okay," he whispered. "I wanted to see you too." And then I felt his tongue warm and wet on my skin. His hand was at my side, curving around my hip, slipping under my shirt. The warmth from his hand spread through my body, and I felt my muscles clench in anticipation. My breath caught in my chest, and I shut my eyes tight as he sucked the lobe of my ear into his hot mouth. Snap out of it Bella. Talk to him.
But his hand slid over my stomach, across my ribs. And then I felt his fingers brush the underwire of my bra, and I let out the breath I'd been holding. The rational part of my brain screamed at me to stop him. But, slowly, his thumb moved back and forth, and my nipples hardened in response. Fuck. That's not helping. And part of me wanted to stop him, but a larger, more vocal, part really wanted him to keep going. We could talk later, right?
So, I just gave in. I mean, seriously, could you resist this? Did I even want to?
I rolled over and hitched my leg up over his hip. He reached across with his free hand and grabbed my knee, pulling me closer to him and pressing my crotch to his thigh. My entire body trembled with want, and I could feel the wetness pooling between my legs. He pressed his lips to mine again, kissing me deeply, pushing his tongue into my mouth. And God did he taste good.
I rocked my hips against his leg, and he laughed, low in his chest. "What? What do you want?" You, always you Edward… But part of me hated him for having this effect on me, and part of me hated myself for not being able to resist him.
He slid his hand from my knee, and I gasped as he moved it up my thigh. The ache between my legs continued to grow, as his finger slid closer. More. And I groaned when his hand moved around my thigh and cupped my ass, his fingers digging in, pulling me against him.
He kissed me again, and I moved my hands to his shoulders, pulling him closer to me. He groaned into my mouth and tugged me over on top of him. I straddled my legs, and began moving my hips in a circle, grinding into him. I could feel his dick harden underneath me, and I jerked my pelvis against him harder in response. Why the hell not?
I looked down at him, and he locked his eyes on mine. They flashed darkly, but held my gaze for a few long moments. God, I wanted to talk to him and tell him that I loved him and wanted more…more than this. But I wanted to keep going too. I wanted to pull his pants down and fuck him hard until I came and he came and I was numb again.
His hands were at my waist, unbuttoning, unzipping, tugging. Please, yes. But no, not now.
A zillion thoughts raced through my head. I wanted him desperately, but I needed more too. Talk to him.
Focus Bella. This is not why you came in here. And Alice. Alice. Definitely not asleep and probably at the door listening right now.
And somehow, for some reason, I listened to my inner rationale.
"Wait, Edward. I, um, I wanted to talk to you about…"
He stilled his hand but cut me off immediately. "It's okay Bella. I talked to Emmett. I know what you told him. And that's fine. I understand, and I agree. It's probably better that way anyway."
He kissed me again, and it distracted me momentarily. It's incredibly difficult to think with his tongue in my mouth like that, but I managed to pull away again. "What?" I panted. "Better what way?"
He leaned in again, and it was all I could do not to give in and press my mouth to his, but I simply had to know what the hell he was talking about. What did I tell Emmett? What does he agree with? I put one hand on Edward's bare chest and pushed away from him, sitting up. "Better what way?" I repeated.
He shrugged. "Better that this…" he paused looking down at our intertwined bodies, "isn't anything serious."
My heart sank. His words literally knocked my breath right out of me, and I suddenly felt empty and sick. There was no reason to feel so devastated; it's not like I'd expected anything else. But that didn't make it any easier to stomach. I looked away, biting my lips and praying that I didn't do something insanely embarrassing like start to cry.
"Hey, hey…" he cupped my chin in his hand, angling my face down to his again. His eyes were soft and, fuck me, he was beautiful. "It's okay Bella. It's nothing to be ashamed about. I think you're right. It would be too difficult with me here and you home in Forks still. It's better that we just be us, like always."
Oh my God… Did he really think I was embarrassed because I wanted to have sex with him but didn't want anything serious?
I want so much more Edward. I want everything. And I want you.
He continued then, smiling wickedly. "And, we can still have some...fun whenever we're together."
I gasped and felt my cheeks burn. Despite all my rational thoughts, his words excited me. But crap. This is so wrong Bella. And the very definition of friends with fucking benefits.
But of course that's what he wanted. That's all he ever wanted. And I should have known he wouldn't change.
The problem is that it's not what I want.
But does that mean I'm gonna give up what I have? After all, I've gotten more than I ever expected with Edward. Could I be happy, for now, with the friendship and the sex? God the sex… My more noble side was screaming at me right about now. But my noble side never has any fun.
So I let him kiss me again, and I trailed my fingers over his chest, before I wove them in his perfect hair, pulling hard. He grunted into my mouth and bucked his hips under mine. And I could feel his erection pressing into my center.
I opened my mouth against his and rolled my hips back and forth over the bulge underneath me. He groaned and his hand was back at my waist.
He flicked the button of my jeans open easily and he yanked the zipper down. I gasped as he slid his hand inside my pants. Yes, more.
But then the door burst open and we both froze. What the fuck? Edward sat up, wrapping his arms around my waist, and I turned around looking.
Alice.
Awkward.
She stuck her head in his room, and she stared, eyes wide. "Oh, I, um, Bella? I'm sorry." Quickly she shut the door again. Wow.
Edward sighed loudly and flopped back on his pillow. "Fucking cockblock, Alice…" he groaned. I didn't have to ask. I knew that something like this had happened before. Lovely.
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Ten minutes later I was back on the futon with Alice. We were both staring at the TV, but neither one of us was actually watching a damn thing. And, no. I didn't have sex with him.
Did I want to? Hell yea. He did too. That much was obvious. But your best friend and/or younger sister barging in on you is not much of a turn on. So we'd both laughed uncomfortably, and then I'd gotten up and blushed profusely while he mumbled something about finishing this later. I managed to straighten my shirt, as he watched me intently, and I left the room. Embarrassed, yes. Frustrated, yes. Confused, fuck yes. What the hell happens now?
"So you talked to him?" Alice asked finally, after a few long minutes of incredibly awkward silence.
"Um…no?" I timidly responded. Damn. I was more anxious now about facing Alice than I had been about talking to Edward. And we all know how well that went…
"Then what was that Bella?" Her voice was calm, but shook slightly. She didn't look at me.
"I, um, I don't know…"
"You were on top of him. And his hands were down your pants."
"I, uh…" She glared at me. And I couldn't not.
So I told her. Everything. She kinda looked like she was gonna throw up when I told her about the text messages during Emmett's art class and the sex on the bedroom floor, but she's a best friend, so she held it together.
And then we sat silently for a long time.
"So, you want more than that, right?" she asked.
"Yes." I answered truthfully.
"Then no more…anything…" she eyed me suggestively. "Until you've actually talked to him and convinced him that you want to be more than fuck buddies." She paused. "No matter how much you want it…" And she looked at me like she had a truly awful taste in her mouth, and I had to smile because, damn, she was the perfect friend. And, of course, she was right.
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By 9:45 that evening, we were ready to go, and I wasn't wearing a t-shirt and jeans. I had on Alice's too-short True Religion denim skirt and my newly purchased black and white striped shirt. Alice had picked it out of course, but I liked it. It fit snuggly across my tits, and, as she put it, accentuated all the right places. Thankfully, Alice had determined that heels were not necessary tonight. So I was comfortable in my favorite mint green flats.
Alice had selected a purple knit mini-dress to go with her silver ballet shoes. She might be petit, but she was all legs. And that short dress clearly illustrated that fact; she looked positively stunning.
Emmett tsked when he saw us and teased that it just wasn't right to let his two baby sisters out to a college party dressed like that. Alice scoffed at the baby comment, and I reminded Em that I was not actually his sister and therefore impervious to his brotherly scrutiny.
Edward appeared, and I allowed myself to look at him briefly. Okay I stared. But just for a second... or maybe several seconds, but I can never help myself. Tight, black Social D t-shirt and the same pair of dark jeans he always wore. I knew that there were little holes where they were worn at his hips, and I knew that they were frayed at the bottoms, and I knew that they hugged his ass perfectly. And I knew that I couldn't just throw myself in his arms, although I desperately wanted to.
My breath caught when I saw his eyes rake up and down my body. I saw his lips curve into the slightest of smiles, and suddenly I wanted to kiss Alice for making me where this tiny-ass skirt. But he looked away quickly. And it didn't matter. Who knows if it would ever matter again.
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a/n: The party is up next and so is Edward's point of view!
So what is Edward thinking about all this? Review and let me know. I promise I will love you for it and update much sooner than usual. Let's say within 48 hours… perhaps.
And it's awards time in Twilightdom. Check out my profile for information on both the Eddie and Bellie awards and the Indie awards. There are tons of categories, so you can nominate every one of your favorite stories. Go forth and do so.
Love ya! Violet.
