Three word prompt: Josh comes out

— INKSTAINEDCOFFEECUP

#307


Beckett checked the peephole and groaned to herself, her forehead coming to rest against the door.

She wasn't prepared for this. For her own boyfriend? Sad, pathetic. She was still reeling from a bomb that had nearly leveled her city, hand in hand with the one man she actually wanted showing up at her door.

And she couldn't seem to get warm.

Josh was the last person she wanted to see right now.

But she opened her door.

Josh was standing there, all brooding intent and dark shadows. His jaw was hard and chiseled, his stubble had done miraculous things to her in bed, and his fingers had the long, tapered skill of a surgeon.

But he didn't use a keyboard or wield his words to make her laugh, he didn't do stupid things like pull out all the cords on a bomb and then do a victory dance in the street.

He wasn't…

Oh, boy.

She wanted Castle.

Well, that was inconvenient.

"Kate? We need to talk."

Her mouth opened, but nothing would come out. Huddled together in a freezer car, waiting to die, feeling life seep out of her. Racing the clock to find a dirty bomb, only to nearly be too late. She couldn't find words for those things, to explain to Josh the revelation that had just hit her over the head.

Josh stepped into her apartment and lightly took her by the shoulders. "This… has gone on too long, Kate."

She swallowed, closed her eyes briefly to summon her courage. If she did this, finally told the truth, what prevented her from making a huge mistake with Castle? Because it was a mistake. Entirely a mistake. They weren't even from the same world.

"Kate, there's no good way to say this."

"I know," she forced out. She had to own up to it. Her actions. How she felt.

"It's been going on for a while."

Her eyes jerked to his. "Not - that long," she defended, but it felt weak.

He winced and shook his head. "Longer than it should have, and for that, I take full responsibility."

"Wh… why?" she said, bewildered by the look on his face. Cautious thrill, like getting rid of a heavy secret. "I was the one who knew-"

"I mean, no, you know some of it, the things I liked in bed, I know. But you don't know the whole of it."

She stared. "The… things you like in bed."

Josh ran a hand across his jaw and winced. "I met him in Doctors Without Borders. He's usually in the trauma ER and I had just - you had just - no, I'm sorry, that's not fair. He's a trauma doctor and we really did start it out talking about you, we were. And then… one thing led to another."

She blanked.

Josh took her hand in both of his. "This is shitty to do to you right now, after the night you've had, I know. But the way you looked at me when I came down, all that determination and hope after you nearly died… it killed me. Knowing that I couldn't wait to leave. To see him again."

"I… what are you telling me?" she asked, shock making her lips numb. "You're… breaking up with me?"

"I… Let's calling it moving on. Just as you said, six months ago, when I left for Cuba, that-"

"It wasn't an ultimatum," she croaked out. She had been so good about not making ultimatums, about not asking him to decide so that neither of them were forced into that position. She hadn't wanted to decide either, not when it came down to the Twelfth, to her partners, to - to Castle. "I wasn't telling you to choose."

"But I have," Josh said, shrugging and wincing both. "I… you could say I've also chosen sides? I've always thought of myself as being sexually flexible, but I was just kidding myself, Kate. I couldn't let go of that last vestige of-"

"Sexually… oh my God, you've met someone," she said, all of it so startlingly clear. "A man. In Doctors Without Borders. He didn't - he wasn't helping you make a choice, he is the choice."

"That's… yeah." Josh squeezed her hand, patted it as if she needed consoling. "I'm… not sorry. I should be, I know. This isn't the best timing, but you deserve to know the truth about us, about where we were headed-"

"Nowhere," she said, feeling curiously hollow. Light. "We were headed nowhere, Josh, because I wasn't in love with you either."

He opened his mouth, blinked, closed it.

"If you're going to be so painfully honest, risk telling me the whole truth, well I should at least do the same," she said grimly. She withdrew her hand from his and straightened her spine. "The sex was really fantastic, no matter what you say about - one side or another. But that was all it was. All I wanted it to be, all I could handle. I picked you because someone else didn't pick me."

Josh stepped back. And then his lips twisted. "Castle."

"Y-yes." That had been much harder than it should've been, considering what Josh had just admitted. "I was trying to… numb myself. With you. And I'm sorry for not being honest about that until now."

Josh shook his head, rubbed his hand along his jaw in that manner that always irritated her because Castle was right. He was too good-looking and that little foppish gesture meant he knew it; he catered to it. He was like a soap opera star, preening. And she-

No.

No, he was a good man with a compassionate heart and she had picked him up one night at a biker's pub near the hospital because she hadn't been drunk but she had been furious and sad, really stupid in combination because she was always so proud of herself for the not drinking that she did something else self-sabotaging just to prove she could.

Josh.

Josh Davidson, a dead-end relationship if ever there was one. The man was - into men, apparently. Or into lots of different kinds. Flexible.

"Well," he said, slowly scanning her apartment. He seemed just as wordless as she was.

"Well. Josh. Good luck with… him. Whoever he is. You deserve it."

Josh nodded, his hair falling in that too-perfect way over his forehead when he was troubled. And he never pushed it back. "You too, Kate. And for God's sake, speak up before it's too late."

Josh turned for the door and opened it, held it for a moment, studying her.

She had no idea what to say.

"You picked me because you knew, somehow, you understood there was going to be a roadblock between us. That you'd never have to risk anything. And I chose you for that very same reason. So, you know what? I hope we both don't get what we deserve - but better. Tell, Castle. Tell him. He'd choose you if he knew."

And Josh shut the door.

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