Chapter 7

"If you don't learn how to be scared, you'll never really learn how to be brave." - Simon Holt.

xxXX-XXxx

Jo walked into the attending's lounge and found Amelia and Arizona sitting at the table, I-Pads and folders spread out. 'You paged?' She said from the doorway.

'I did.' Arizona confirmed. 'We are coming up with a game plan for Sarah, thought you'd want to help.'

'I do, thank you.' Jo said, still shifting awkwardly.

'Well you can't do it from there.' Amelia said. 'Have a seat and crack a file.' Jo smiled and took her position, Arizona handing her an unopened file.

'Everything okay?' Arizona wondered, studying Jo's face.

'Everything is good.' Jo smiled. 'Thank you, for calling Alex by the way.'

'I don't know what you're talking about.' Arizona said, casually flipping the page.

'So, we need a new plan.' Amelia said. 'I need to think about this out loud so start throwing ideas around.'

'We could do more rounds of chemo or radiation? See if that helps reduce the tumours in size?' Jo suggested.

'She's already been through that and it hasn't worked.' Amelia said.

'What about targeted therapy?' Arizona suggested. 'We could focus on a specific molecule of the cancer and try to eradicate it all together, making the remaining tumour smaller.'

'No, there's no guarantee that would help any more than regular chemo, I wouldn't even know which part to target, nothing stands out.'

'What about a clinical trial? If there are any going on at the moment for brain tumours in children.' Jo added.

'It's a nice thought but unfortunately trials for this type of cancer are few and far between.' Amelia admitted. She looked at Jo. 'For now I want you to start her on a course of corticosteroids and anti seizure medication.'

'What will that do?' Jo asked.

'The steroid will reduce swelling in the healthy brain tissue and may help improve neurological symptoms. It will make the infected tissue easier to see. And the anti seizure meds are just in case.'

'She could have a seizure?'

'With the pressure this tumour is putting on her brain, and the rate at which it is growing, eventually she will have frequent seizures.' Amelia confirmed. Jo nodded and left the room.

'You're sending her back there alone?' Arizona questioned.

'I am.' Amelia said, typing on her screen. 'I talked to Mr Miller.'

'You did? The woman who told me I was overreacting?'

'Turns out you weren't, so yeah, I talked to him.' Amelia said, not making eye contact.

'Amelia?' Arizona put her hand on the neurosurgeons and stopped her typing. 'What aren't you telling me?' Amelia sighed.

'Fine, I had a Mr Miller, once.'

'What the hell does that mean?' Arizona asked.

'I had a patient with an aneurysm. It was huge, impossible to clip, but I tried.'

'What happened?'

'She died on the table, bled out, and her husband couldn't deal. He got really mad.'

'Amelia.' Arizona looked at her sadly.

'And he had every right to be angry, I told him I would save her and I didn't.'

'It wasn't your fault she died.'

'I know that, and I knew it before I scrubbed in. What I did wrong was make him a promise that I couldn't keep.'

'What did he do?' Arizona wondered. 'No, you don't have to answer that.'

'It's fine, he waited until my shift was over and found me in the parking lot by my car. He put a crowbar through my windshield before using it on my stomach.'

'Oh my God.' Arizona covered her mouth.

'Luckily an intern was having a panic attack and needed some air, he scared the guy off, otherwise, I think he would have killed me.'

'I'm sorry that happened to you.'

'So am I. But it made me realise how delicate our relationship is with loved ones of patients. We have to be really careful. So I know it may seem like I don't care...'

'I didn't mean to imply that you don't care.' Arizona said.

'I care too much Arizona, so I try to cover it up. And when something happens like what happened with Wilson yesterday...'

'I know.' Arizona said. 'Say no more. I get it.'

'I mean, you work with families all the time. You must have seen some anger?'

'I have, but those are stories for another time.' Arizona said. 'Right now we have a really sick eight year old who needs us.'

'Right.' Amelia nodded. 'So we take her in for another surgery.'

'It looks like we're going to have to.' Arizona agreed. 'We wait for a few days to see if the steroids work, and then we try again.'

xxXX-XXxx

Jo walked into Sarah's room and was relieved to find that Mr Miller was not there. She put the supplies down on the tray and began to administer them to Sarah. She was still sleeping and she looked so peaceful. Jo was busy checking her head dressing when Jason walked in behind her. 'Dr Wilson.' He said, causing her to jump.

'Mr Miller.' She turned to face him.

'Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you.' He said, walking to the other side of the room whilst keeping his distance.

'No, it's fine. I was just updating Sarah's medication.'

'They have a new plan?' He asked.

'They're working on it. This is step one. We're giving her some steroids which will hopefully reduce swelling in the healthy brain tissue and give Dr Shepherd more room to remove the cancerous parts.' He nodded as he watched her clean up some empty packaging. She was about to leave when he stopped her.

'Dr Wilson.' He said, his eyes looking pleadingly at her. 'I want to apologise. Sincerely. I never meant to hurt you.'

'It's okay. I understand.' She tried to smile and then she looked back to Sarah. 'Just, please tell me you have never grabbed her like that?'

'What?' He looked confused. 'No, I would never. I'm not like that, I just got so angry. And I have no way of helping, I just feel so useless. I don't hurt my kid Dr Wilson.'

'I believe you Jason.' Jo said. 'And you are doing something. You're here.' She smiled kindly as she left the room.