Author's note: I'm really truly sorry I haven't updated in forever. I was able to push through the wall a bit and here's what I have for you. I have changed up the writing style because I wasn't really happy with the way Alice was sounding - I felt like she needs to be more fragmented. So, sorry for the disconnect between the previous chapters and this one. I might go back and re-write those depending on how y'all feel about this offering. Let me know what you think!
And now, on with the show!
I love the new skin they've put on my arms. It's so soft and white, with a pretty spiral pattern that shows where they've wrapped it around the bones underneath.
The bones ache.
They left my fingers covered with my old skin and I was tempted to peel it off so they would cover those too, but Cheshire said if I did, he would eat my fingers and I could do without. I like the smooth cottony feel of my new skin, but I like my fingers more. I think I'll keep them the way they are.
Fingers with claws, the only weapons I have.
The thing I don't like though, is that Rabbit has to change the skin. I don't know why it doesn't stay clean and beautiful like Rabbit's fur – no matter how much I wash it, it still gets all smudgy and grey and brown, and there is a strange dark reddish color
it drips and seeps and stains everything
that seems to be coming up from underneath. I'm sure I know what it is, but my head starts hurting if I think about it too hard.
the shadows scream when I focus on them
Rabbit keeps telling me it isn't skin, but I know it is because it hurts when he takes it off. An itchy-scratchy pull-y sort of hurt, not the clean fire of a knife or the flat, numb hurt of a blow. I know all kinds of hurts and this is one I haven't felt in a long time. It must be new skin.
I don't sleep in the white room.
I don't like it.
Bill might be offended, but he is huffy anyway. Not happy without something to complain about. Rabbit and Cheshire made me a nest out by the garden
chirps and chatters and sounds of happy things.
instead. Bill started it, but Rabbit said he was doing it wrong. The huffer got huffed and I think it was very funny to watch. I'm fairly certain that's what happened – sometimes I'm just not sure. I imagine my memories have little legs and are kept in a pen somewhere in my head, then when I'm distracted or I fall asleep, they run away as fast as they can. I don't know if they're hiding in my head or somewhere else in my body or if they managed to jump out of me completely. I look around when I wake up to try and catch them, but I haven't seen any yet so either they are still in my head or they run very fast indeed.
run fast and mad and dare not fall
I asked Cheshire to help me look for them the last time I saw him. He said he would, but he thinks they are all still in my head. I don't actually remember when that was, come to think of it. I don't even know how long I've been here.
It hasn't been long.
Well, maybe it has.
No, I cannot count by sleeps. I don't sleep just at night anymore, and I never sleep very long. The most horrible images come to me in my dreams. Cheshire says it's to make up for the happy fog I let cover me when I'm awake.
Can't I be happy yet?
Maybe that's true. Maybe I can't remember anything because I don't want to. Maybe I'll try. Remember. Remember. Remember, remember, the 5th of November. Look at the sky and the breeze blowing by. Too pretty a day t . . .
White halls.
White walls.
Iron bars.
Screaming.
Screaming.
The screaming is coming from me.
I twirl and the dress flies around me, rippling like the little stream that keeps company with the path to Hatter's. I don't know where Cheshire found it, but it's nice to have a clean gown.
I remember clean dresses.
Well, mostly clean. I do feel bad about that, but my balance isn't quite right yet so I can't really help the grass stains. I did find a Walking Stick earlier, but he said I was too heavy.
I heard the names he called me.
What else did he say? Something about no one goes this way? It doesn't matter. I don't know how long I've been here, but I do know it's been too long without seeing Hatter. He must not know I'm here or I'm sure he would have come to see me by now.
Wouldn't he?
Unless Rabbit has barred him from the grounds again, but that's never stopped him before. I'm sure Rabbit would have said something if that were the case. Then again, he did act a bit strangely when I mentioned Hatter. He hasn't wanted me to leave his house at all and his eyes went all shifty when I said I wanted to visit the Mad Tea Party.
What is he hiding?
I don't like the feeling I get when I think about that – it feels like I've swallowed a whole loaf of bread-and-butterflies. Of course, I feel like that anyway. It's been so since I've walked this path. Or perhaps stumbled
it's so hard to walk
this path is more accurate. Who is that laughing? Oh. It's me. How silly. I should be almost there. Any second now…
There's the gate, there's the gate! Gate and I have always been friends. She always comes closer for me, making the path as short as she can. She moves away from people Hatter doesn't like, or who don't like Hatter. She can't quite stop some people from reaching him, but she can make it quite difficult. It's rather funny to watch. Their faces go all red and puffy, then white, then red again.
Hours and hours and hours…
I can imagine the Queen trying. She is so full of bluster and bluff, she wouldn't even think to walk the stream.
That's the real way in.
The Queen of Hearts, she made some tarts…does she even leave the castle? She must get bored staying in the same place all the time. Or maybe she's too distracted with her baking and trying to figure out who she has or hasn't beheaded.
Don't lose your head.
I feel for the cards, really.
There's the gate, there's the gate! We're good friends.
Friends until the splintery end.
She protects the Tea Party from people who aren't invited. It's funny to watch the ones Gate won't let in – they get all huffy and puffy before they realize that they haven't really moved forward at all.
…hours and hours and hours…
I can just imagine the Queen of Hearts trying to come in without an invitation. What a laugh! Although, she has been known to hold a grudge,
Off with their heads!
so it might not be a good idea to laugh at her too loudly. I don't know if Gate would really keep her out. After all, she is a Queen, and it always pays to be polite to royalty. It's all a moot point really. That Queen cannot stand the Mad Hatter. I don't believe Gate would ever be asked to let her in because I cannot think of a reason the Queen of Hearts would want to attend the Tea Party.
I should be able to see Gate soon. Jus further. There she is! There's the…the gate. I look behind me and then back ahead. Haven't I thought this before? I remember laughing not too long ago
…and hours and hours and…
wasn't it because I saw Gate? My hands cover my mouth in horror. Is…is Gate keeping me out? That's not possible! Gate and I are good friends, she knows about Hatter and me.
She knows I love him.
She knows…she knows I haven't been here. Well that's alright then – she probably just doesn't recognize me.
Just a number, not worth a name.
That must be it. She couldn't be keeping me out on Hatter's request because that's just too absurd. He'll be overjoyed to see me. What a wonderful surprise it will be for him! He doesn't know I'm back or he would have been trying to drag me from Rabbit's home the moment he heard I was there.
Wouldn't he?
"Gate, it's me. It's Alice!" I stand waiting. Once Gate realizes it's me, she'll shorten the path for me. I hope she hurries because, as loathe as I am to admit it, I'm having a hard time standing.
Who will catch me when I fall?
Perhaps Rabbit was right about the walk being too long. No matter. I'm here now, and that's what matters. Heh. It matters at the Hatter's. But I'm not there yet and Gate hasn't budged. "Don't be a silly gate. Please let me in." Gate rattles at me, putting me in mind of a bird ruffling her feathers.
Why is she mad at me?
Exhaustion hits me like a wave and I sag against the nearest TumTum Tree, my head hanging in frustration.
"I don't understand. Why won't you let me in?" This doesn't make any sense. I'll have to take the stream. I'm going to get in so much trouble – my brand new dress will be soaked.
