6
Dr. Jones took some blood and prescribed her pre-natal vitamins.
"What changed your mind?" the doctor asked. Kate bit her lip. She wasn't really sure – she couldn't say 'a sex tape' but if she was honest... There hadn't been much else.
"I just... couldn't do it," she said eventually. The doctor nodded.
"You've been through a lot, Mrs Castle. I... It might be a good idea for you to see a psychologist."
"I don't think that will be necessary," Kate said, surprised at how cool and calm she sounded. Dr. Jones nodded.
"It's completely up to you. But it can help-"
"I don't need that kind of help," Kate said firmly. I just need my husband back.
Dr. Jones pressed her lips together, maintaining her kind, soothing expression.
"Very well. I'll see you back here in a month."
"Thanks," Kate said, willing her hand not to shake as she took the prescription.
"Call me if you have any questions or concerns," Dr. Jones told her. Kate said that she would. She couldn't wait to leave the office. Now that the floodgates had opened, she could barely control her shaking body enough to walk, let alone successfully hold back the tears. She got to her car before she broke down completely, sobbing and screaming and cursing the child that was growing inside her, hating and loving it equally passionately.
It was half an hour before she was calm enough to start the car and drive back to the loft, and even then she had to pull over twice to get herself together enough not to crash. She parked in the underground lot and sat back in the seat, unfastening her seatbelt and closing her eyes, tears dripping down her cheeks again.
"Aren't you going to get out of the car?"
"I'm happy here," she said softly as his hand moved up from her knee. Rick reached across and shifted her closer to him, tilting her head to kiss her, softly, but with a determination which made it impossible for her to mistake his intentions.
"Still staying in the car?" he asked her. She sighed. She was so comfortable, he was here, it was dark, there was no one else in the lot... It had been a long day at work; she just didn't feel like moving.
"Staying in the car," she murmured.
"As you wish," he said. His right hand snaked steadily higher as he used his left to prop himself up on the back of her seat as he kissed her. She felt for the adjuster lifted it, scooting her seat right back and tipping the backrest down as far as it would go. It clicked in with a jolt which caused Rick's hand to reach its destination faster than he'd planned. He chuckled.
"Sorry," he said. Kate mumbled something unintelligible, but she definitely wasn't complaining. Rick was sort of crouching in the footwell now; his knees were resting on the lip of her seat. Kate scooted back so he cold get on the chair properly; she didn't want him to be uncomfortable. He chuckled when her knee hit the door as she tried to spread her legs more open for him.
"Still happy with staying in the car?" he asked her.
"Works better the other way up," she said, but his right hand was now working on the zipper of her pants, so her focus was rather compromised.
"We can worry about that in a minute," he muttered in her ear. "Let's just deal with you first."
His voice was enough to get her several yards closer to the finish line. He began to unbutton her shirt, one handed. She was impressed. They hadn't done this before. He pushed her back even further so her head was almost on the back seat, positioning her so his mouth could enjoy her chest. She let out a little moan as his teeth found a nipple through the lace of her bra.
The hand was inside her pants now, his fingers creeping into her as his mouth made its way up her neck and then further, so his lips could connect with hers again. He was so clever, touching her so well, just avoiding the spot where she wanted him most until the very last tantalising second.
"Castle," she groaned as he finally brushed her centre.
"Hmm?" he asked, pulling his mouth away to watch her as she opened her lustful eyes and looked into his. His fingers still moved inside her, she didn't even know what his hand was doing but it was perfect.
"Nothing," she gasped. He winked at her just before – he could read exactly when she was going to come.
"I think you enjoyed that as much as I did," she told him when she finally returned to herself. He chuckled and slid his hand away from her, getting back into his seat. "Which is saying something," she added, giving praise where praise was due.
"I can't deny, you are very enjoyable to watch," he told her.
That had been before I love you, even. Well, not his. But hers... So long ago. When they were just starting out. No one at work had even found out yet... Kate followed this train of thought because it was easier than any other, and easy to get absorbed in. She couldn't remember if it had been before or after the Hamptons... she thought before? Their first few weeks had been action packed to say the least. This had still been in the time where they could hardly keep their hands off each other.
Snatched moments in the break room, coming in late together, even kissing in the elevator. It had been so much fun... Everything with Rick was fun. He was so full of humour, so full of-
-life.
Kate looked in her purse at the leaflet Dr. Jones had given her. It said things about food, about resting, about... sex. She bit her lip, willing the tears not to start pouring again but it was no good. Of course sex wasn't all of it, anything like all of it, but... she was never going to have sex again. Ever. She was thirty-five years old and that was it.
She would never be kissed again. She didn't want to be! Not by anyone but him, the thought made her sick. She just wanted him, Rick, his mouth hot on hers, his body on top of her, inside her, filling her, making her whole.
She would have given it all up, of course, in a second, just to have him. She would shave her head, chop off her arms, give away all her money, if only she could have him. He was all she needed. But fucking hell, she needed him. She got out of the car, feeling trapped in there now. She locked it and went upstairs. The loft was empty.
No one knew. She ought to tell someone. But... she couldn't bear the idea of the pain in their faces, or the hope. She didn't want to see either. And she still didn't know what she was going to do... If she was honest with herself, she knew she would keep the baby. The little blue eyed boy, the perfect blue eyed boy. But she didn't want everyone to be involved. They would try to help her, they would worry about her, they would crowd her when all she wanted was to be alone.
So although the phone was there, begging her to pick it up and tell this grieving family something they could cling to, she didn't use it. She felt terrible for not giving them this lifeline, but the thing was, the baby was still inside her. If he was the lifeline, she was the lifeline. And she didn't think she could cope with being clung to, even by people she loved as much as Alexis and Martha. She thought about her father. She could tell him but it would be unfair to swear him to secrecy, and... he would only worry, too.
She looked through the leaflet again. Food. She might be a horrible person and an awful candidate for a mother, but she could follow instructions as simple as these. No alcohol. In a kind of trance, she took all the bottles out of the cabinet, and the three from her room, and poured their contents down the sink. She put the glass in the recycling. Then she looked in the fridge. She was greeted by a stench that almost knocked her over. She slammed it shut and opened the drawer containing take out menus. Her speciality.
"Why do you hate grocery shopping so much? You can cook?"
"It's time consuming. And take out is better."
"It's bad for you." "Do I look unhealthy to you?" she teased. She knew he was right, really, and for all her coffees and fast food, she actually paid attention to her health, eating fresh fruit and veg when she could, going for runs, drinking smoothies and fruit juice... Her body seemed to like her. It didn't protest much no matter what she put in it.
"I'm going to teach you how to cook," he said.
"I can cook breakfast," she said defensively.
"You make the best bacon and eggs I've ever tasted. And you're not bad at pasta either... I think you just pretend. But I will school the pretending out of you. Come on," he said, coming up behind her and closing the menu drawer. "Let's cook something together."
Kate dialled the number of their favourite Thai place and ordered a few dishes. She wasn't really hungry but for all she knew the baby might be... It was something Rick might have said. She felt her lip tremble and just gave in, letting her eyes cry themselves out again. She poured herself a glass of water and drank it slowly. It wasn't so bad. It was kind of refreshing. She hiccuped, then refilled the glass. She remembered the vitamins but on reading the packet she found that you were supposed to take them in the morning.
Her food arrived; she managed to pay without crying over her twenty dollar bill or the delivery guy's beard that Rick would have found hilarious. She automatically got out a plate and put her food on it, then chuckled. That was totally a Castle thing, eating take out off a plate with a knife and fork. It came in a box you could eat out of with disposable cutlery and everything – using a plate just created washing up. But she was so used to doing it this way now...
"Look on the bright side, you can eat take out from the carton for the rest of your life now."
She heard him. She heard him laughing! She actually looked around, expecting to see him walk out of the kitchen carrying his own plate, to come and sit with her at the table. His voice had just popped into her mind, she'd been thinking about him, but she hadn't known what he would say... And yet, there he was. Talking to her. Joking with her.
"Rick?" she asked quietly into the now eerily silent apartment.
"Yes, Mrs Castle?"
She dropped her fork; it fell onto her plate with a clang. She didn't believe in ghosts or anything like that – and she knew it wasn't a ghost. It was in her mind. But... he was in her mind. She could feel him there, smiling, chuckling, bubbling away as he always did. She didn't have to think about it or figure out what he might say – he just said it. He was inside her and he just spoke, instantly, saying exactly the right thing.
"Calm down," he said gently. "You have to eat. I'm not going anywhere."
A/N: Thanks for reading, please review. X
