Chapter 7- Decent
Whoa, all of a sudden reviews. You guys really don't know how amazing they make me feel, and I don't think I can properly express my gratitude. Also feeling the love on Twitter, you guys are too great! Thank you, sincerely, thank you. Also, holy hell, Monday's episode! I'm just gonna be over here on the floor, crying because of how perfect that was. Don't mind me. #Castle100
There was a pause, a moment of pure fear, as Kate approached the door to the loft, trailing behind Martha and Alexis. It was a rising panic that was building to its crescendo the closer her feet brought her to the door. Kate watched silently as Martha playfully chided Alexis about the phone number that she had procured at the hospital. Alexis was now flushed with embarrassment as her hands rummaged around in her purse, but Kate's attention was no longer on Martha, or her ravings of her own past McSteamy's, it was completely centered on the key ring that Alexis hand hooked from inside her bag. The only sound she could focus on was the key sliding into place and grinding against its inner locking mechanism; seeming to tick down the time she had to compose herself. She inhaled a staggered breath as the door slowly swung open and the two women in front of her entered, but Kate stood awkwardly on the outside of the threshold not sure if she was ready.
Move. MOVE! Kate clenched her fists feeling her nails dig into the soft flesh of her palms. Move, damn it! Her lips drew a hard line and she held her breath while her nostrils flared and her jaw set with a ridged clench. Move before they notice! Her foot, finally ready to obey, started to shift but not before Martha tentatively looked back into the hallway. Kate's eyes met Martha's and she started to prepare herself for an onslaught of are-you-okays, but the older woman paused in the doorframe and gave her a tentative smile.
"Come in when you're ready, dear." Martha gently beseeched as she slid the door open a little bit wider and left Kate to herself in the hall. Kate bit her lip and let out a heavy sigh. God bless Martha Rodgers.
"Daaaaad, wake uuuuup," Alexis sang with a more somber tone as she wiggled Castle's foot at the end of the couch, "You're going to miss dinner!" A small smile twisted the sides of his mouth as he took a deep inhale while he animatedly stretched.
"I'm up, I'm up, I'm up," he groaned in a cadence through his stretch as he swung his legs off the couch and stood. He watched as Alexis made her way into the kitchen stopping at the cabinets to grab plates for everyone as he rounded the couch. Turning his attention away from his daughter, he found his mother making her way toward him while he looked over her shoulder toward the slightly open door looking for Kate. His question began to blossom on his tongue when his mother flourished her hand averting his attention and interrupting his train of thought.
"Richard, she's out in the hallway getting her bearings," Martha stated as his eyes raked over his mother seeking more information.
"Does she need something? I can –"
"Katherine doesn't need a white knight, Richard, she needs a dedicated companion; an equal. You don't have to always feel like you need to rescue her." Martha pointedly interjected. "Don't suffocate her with your super hero complex." Castle looked at his mother with slight confusion.
"Mother, I'm just trying to make sure she's okay," Rick replied as his eyes flitted back to the door still ajar.
Martha shook her head ever so slightly and tenderly placed her hands on either side of his face forcing his focus. "You know she's not alright, darling, and she doesn't need to be reminded how not alright she is. Let her have her little moments to herself for a bit, and when she realizes you're not going to smother her she'll let you help her heal."
Castle let out a huff, but his eyes drew away from those of his mother to follow the new movement near the entryway. Kate had pushed the door shut and was slowly removing her shoes. She looked so frail, and it caused a primal urge in Castle to protect, guard, and shelter her so she could lick her wounds in peace.
"I'll—I'll try, Mother," he retorted as he made to move toward his wife.
"Richard," Martha hissed catching Castle off guard at the sudden lurking anger, "listen to me." His mother's final insistence was almost pleading, and he shook his head in agreement as Martha patted his cheek and turned toward the kitchen. Castle's eyes drifted back to Kate who hadn't moved from the foyer. He stepped toward her and watched as a small ray of panic drew across her face. She quickly brought her right hand up and clung to her upper left arm creating a small subconscious barrier between her and Castle.
Slightly furrowing his brow as he psychoanalyzed her movement, he offered his hand to her and nudged his head toward the kitchen, "Hungry, detective?" She looked up at him, finally meeting his eye, and gave a small nod
"Very much so, Castle." He wiggled his fingers trying to entice her to grab them, but she looked at his hand with revulsion. Noticing her discomfort he lowered his hand, slightly concerned. Space, she needs space. As she walked past him toward the kitchen he followed suit, and prepared himself to try and acclimate back to a space-needing Kate.
It was awkward, painfully awkward, and Kate couldn't stand another second of it. The entire dinner had been full of conversation that was just a bit too vague and, poor Martha, kept trying to engage everyone. Alexis had participated briefly before resigning to silence, and Castle seemed to make it his new life's mission to make her smile. He had resorted to food squelching before Kate had picked up her plate and excused herself from the table. She couldn't take this, not today, she just wanted to be alone.
She practically threw her dishes into the sink and stalked into her bedroom- their bedroom- and paused a few steps into the dark. The bed loomed in the center of the space like a beacon, drawing her into its presence. She placed her hands on the cooled sheets, and ran her fingers over the thousand thread count cotton. The movement and touch reverberated memories of the sheets on her skin while wrapped with his body: moaning, pleading, begging, biting, screaming. Kate brought her hand back from the fabric as if burned and started ringing her fingers. She couldn't stay here—sleep here. It was too intimate, and it held too many memories that she would rather stay away from at the moment. She feathered her fingers through the side of her hair then brought her nails to rest on her bottom lip. Looks like it was time for the guest room.
Rick watched as Kate stomped into his office and let a sigh of defeat escape his lips. He should go after her, comfort her, and wrap her in his arms while he promised nothing but happily ever afters into her ear. Space, give her space. He rose from the table and grabbed a few cartons of left-overs to start cleaning up, and Alexis moved to assist him. Martha followed suit, and the three of them ended up together in the kitchen while silence settled into the area between their bodies. Alexis cleared her throat, after putting Kate's plate in the dishwasher, getting the attention of her family.
"I can stay here if you need me to, Dad," she offered, compassion and love riddling her face as she stared into his eyes, "if you need me to stay I can be here for a few days and make sure everything is alright."
Rick smiled at his daughter's inherent empathy, and walked the few steps to envelope her in a gentle embrace. "Thank you, pumpkin. Thank you for caring enough that you'd babysit us, but I think we'll be alright. Go back to the dorms, and study or something. Don't wallow in this, okay?" He placed a kiss on her forehead as she burrowed into his shirt.
"Okay, Dad, I'll go, but if you need anything call me okay?" She ended, pulling back slightly from him to stare into his eyes for honesty. Rick only nodded and gave her a final squeeze before letting her go. Alexis hopped over and wrapped her arms around her grandmother in a spectacularly flamboyant gesture. They whispered their goodbyes and Martha ended the embrace with theatrical kisses to Alexis's cheeks. Alexis paused, after hugging Martha, to stare at the closed door of the study. Castle swallowed, and walked up behind Alexis and wrapped her in another hug.
"This one's from Kate," he whispered into her hair. Alexis gave a small smile and wiped a tear that had escaped down her left cheek.
"Thanks, Dad."
Castle pulled back, planting a light kiss to the crown of her head, and with a smile gracing her lips and final goodbyes said, Alexis grabbed her bag and left for her dorm.
Rick watched the door close and hefted a sigh as he leaned his hip against the kitchen counter. Martha sidled over and bumped the side of her hip with his, tugging a smile to his lips. They didn't say anything, there were no words that had been said already that bore repeating, but being within each other's space was like a warm balm on a chilled soul. Being together was easing the ache.
Martha finally clapped her hands together and brought Rick in for another hug, "It's getting late, and you look exhausted. Get some sleep and I'll be over after I check up on some things with my school. Tell Kate I said good night."
Castle kissed the side of her check and whispered his goodbye as his mother went back to her studio. As the door clicked from Martha's exit, his peripheral vision brought to his attention the movement from his office doorway. Kate was leaning on the doorframe with her arms wrapped around to hug her sides. A nervous twinge caught Rick off-guard and he tilted his head as he slowly propelled his way toward her. She seemed to shrink at his advance so he sat himself a decent length away from her on the arm of his couch, waiting for her to say something to him—anything. He needed her, and he was willing to give her all the space she desired, but he needed to know that the insecurity and anguish he was shouldering alone could one day be absolved. He needed to know they were in this together, and that they could support each other through their toils and come out of this a stronger couple. He needed to know she wouldn't leave him to suffocate under the duress of his grief. He needed his wife.
"I have to pick up my prescriptions in the morning," Kate mumbled, not able to meet his eye.
Castle nodded his head, "Sure, I can get those before breakfast." He was trying so hard to get at least eye contact. She kept tilting her head and staring at everything else in the room like it was fascinating, all the while chewing her bottom lip.
Minutes crept by, and Castle's patience was wearing thin. His knee started to jiggle and his thumb tapped on the downbeat with a muted thump against the leather of the couch arm. He finally stood up and ran his fingers through his hair letting out a fake yawn.
"How about we get some sleep, Kate. I am exhausted and you don't seem to be fairing much better. A few hours could be nice."
Kate slowly made her way into the living room and maneuvered a wide berth around his position on the couch arm. "I think—I think I'm going to sleep in the guest room tonight." She stopped next to the large windows on the far wall and finally looked him in the eye. Rick's mouth had fallen open in distress and he looked completely defeated. Eyebrows thrown up in disbelief and eyes open with shock and pain, he held her stare since she wouldn't let him hold her body.
"Kate, what – I don't. I know you don't want me to touch you, but we can build a pillow wall, or—" He was stumbling for words trying to plead with her while she shook her head.
"It's not about not touching you, Castle. I just can't right now. I know it's hard to understand, but—"
"No, what's hard to understand is why my wife won't let me hold her. Why she won't let me comfort her in our time of grief. I need you, Kate, and I can't just watch you shut this—me out!" He wasn't yelling, he couldn't yell at her, but he was punctuating every word with hard consonants to keep himself from screaming in frustration. Keep it locked up, save this emotion for later when you're writing. She kept shaking her head, biting her lip and furrowing her brow.
"I'm not shutting you out, I just—I just need time to regroup myself. So, please, just—I'm going to bed, upstairs. Please, just give me this." She wasn't crying and her body wasn't shaking; she had fallen behind her Detective Beckett façade. Castle stood from the couch and set his jaw, beyond frustrated with their situation.
"Fine," he replied throwing up his hands and he turned his back and stalked toward their bedroom. She wanted space and even though he was already starting to suffocate without her, he would give her anything she wanted, even if it killed him.
Kate cringed when she heard their bedroom door slam. Swaying slightly in the dark living room, she let the silence engulf her for a moment as she clung to herself. This was better, this silence was better to face alone. She ran her tongue over her chapping lips and tasted the harsh metallic sweetness of blood. Continuing to run her tongue over the spot she slowly ascended the stairs toward her sanctuary for the night.
No more biting lips, she thought as she reached the top of the stairs. She walked the few extra feet and rested her forehead against the door to the guest room. The polished knob was chilled to the touch, and a part of her knew that that was why she couldn't sleep downstairs. Her cold body required a cold room, and Castle had always perpetuated heat. Their bedroom, their sheets, his body, his books they all used to wrap her in such lovely cocoons of warmth and safety, but for Kate's new cold core, she needed to freeze.
As she began to turn the knob a small chime of whimsical music floated with a muted dissonance down the hallway. Dropping her hand from the door she turned her body and felt her eyes latch onto the last remaining door in the hall. The chime played again, and she felt a fist clench in her stomach as her chest started to feel compressed again. With a shuffled gait, Kate made her way to stand in front of the nursery; hand slowly turning the knob to the room that would never be used for their baby.
It was the mobile. The little mobile that Castle had found at the first baby store they had stopped at. The air from the vent was coming out hard enough to cause the mobile to spin, and as it spun it emitted a small tune of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. Kate stood transfixed at the sight as the little stars and the moon charms did small half rotations from the air flow. She made her way over to the crib and placed her fingertips along the smooth wood of the rail. Moving her eyes from the crib she focused again on the mobile and grabbed a small space ship figurine that Castle had attached with some wire. She almost laughed. She was almost happy, at a memory, as she stood in the remains of her deceased child's nursery, and she was disgusted with herself. Dropping her hand back to her side she found herself coiling up in the rocking chair that was placed in the corner of the room. Curling into the fetal position, she rocked herself to the slow peal of the mobile, and found herself humming to the song. Her head was nodding into her knees, but Kate couldn't find it in herself to leave for the comfort of a bed. She deserved to fall asleep uncomfortably squeezed in-between the arms of a hardwood rocking chair. It was the least she deserved. Humming again, she felt the frigid air from the vent stream onto her skin and shivered as goose bumps started to trail down her spine. She wrapped her legs closer to her body and let the final hums leave her throat before she succumbed to sleep. This is exactly what she deserved.
Author's Note: Eeeee, done. Sorry this took so long, but I've been dealing with some things. Next chapter will definitely be up sooner. Thank you so much for reading, reviewing, favorite-ing, and what-have-you! It really makes my day. -Liz
