Though the Doctor had been unusually quiet at Jackie's it seemed a few days in the TARDIS returned him to his talkative self. In this time they had been able to the largest amusement park, save a planet from invasion and ending up in America meeting two people named Sam and Dean. All in all, it had been a very eventful weekend.
And now Rose was left to her own thoughts.
Rose liked to have some alone time every now and then and the TADIS library was a spot she frequently found herself in. She was looking for something to grab her attention and anything would have worked really, but Rose was still worried about the Doctor.
Except for the times they had encountered the Daleks, she had never seen him so shaken up over something. It worried her greatly that something so small had frightened him and he wouldn't tell her why.
She tried to tell her self it was nothing, the Doctor was just like that. At times he would seem manic, strange- normal to some degree. The Doctor was joy to be around and Rose loved his company. She loved the times when the world wasn't ending and they didn't have to run for their lives and they could just be them, The Doctor and Rose Tyler.
Those times when nothing else mattered and his eyes weren't full of pain and secrets, but instead full of joy and laughter. When his presence felt like a warm blanket wrapped around you while you sat by the fire and could sit there forever, never wanting the moment to end.
Of course, nothing lasts forever. Those moments when they were no one would always come to an end. The world would turn dark as hope started to fade. The universe would show its true colours and the world would yell for the Doctor.
A flash of light brought Rose out of her thoughts and she was surprised to find herself seated in a chair. Hadn't she been looking at those books over there? She looked at the ceiling, knowing that the light had come somewhere from the TARDIS. The TARIDS gave a sound of distress and a violent shake, almost throwing Rose out of her chair.
"What was that for then?" The TARIDS only flashed more lights. Rose frowned at the sight. Obviously the TARDIS wanted her for something but unfortunately for both, Rose couldn't understand what the TARDIS wanted exactly. She could only follow the TARDIS' lead as she stood up.
"Alright, where do you want me to go?" Immediately the walls started to close on her. Rose felt a surge of panic as she imagined be crushed into nothing. She took a calming breath, knowing the TARDIS would never hurt her intentionally. She looked around the room to see the walls back in their proper place.
Rose left the library to do the TARDIS' scavenger hunt.
When she stepped outside of the library she was met with complete darkness. She was confused why the TARDIS would lead her to an empty corridor until she caught a sliver of light. The source of the light was small but strong as Rose approached it.
After five minutes of walking in complete darkness and the light getting no closer, Rose stopped in sheer frustration. Why was it taking so long to get where the TARDIS wanted her to be? The TARDIS could be quite frustrating at times, though it was usually the Doctor frustrated with her. Rose on the other hand got along with the TARDIS almost better than the Doctor did.
As if the TARDIS was sensing Rose's frustration (And she probably could) a door to her right opened a crack. It was enough for Rose to know that is was there, but not enough for her see into the room that lay behind said door.
She pushed the door open with a creak as the galley came into view. Unlike the corridor the lights were on and Rose could see the remnants of her and the Doctor's meal. The galley had a calming feel to it. It seemed like those days when Rose went to visit her gran and the smell of cookies was always in the air. Though this was a galley and not a kitchen, it still had that feeling of home to it. She supposed it should feel that way since this was her home.
Rose continued through the galley when another door opened and was met with another corridor. This corridor was much shorter than the other one, however, and the light from the galley poured out. Rose walked past some of the doors and was surprised to find her own door there. As she looked at the door that held her room the light shifted. Another door, across from hers, was the center of the TARDIS' attention.
The door was ajar as Rose came closer to it. Circular designs were on the door, and if Rose was correct, it was Gallifreyan. She took a moment to look at, trying to understand what it says but could not. She pushed the door open a crack, feeling she knew what, or rather, who, was in this room.
Rose walked into the room, taking care that the room was not disturbed from the light in the galley. She looked around the room in the dim light, wondering if her suspicions were right.
To the left was a desk covered in papers and books, the chair hold a suit jacket. Two converse shoes were by one of the legs and a pair of glasses sat on the pile of books. There was a bookshelf to the right filled with all types of books. A large selection of hard cover books seemed to be for education, and near the top seemed to the books that were for pleasure.
And in the middle of the room in the bed was the Doctor. He was curled in the blankets in such a way that she didn't know how he planned to get out of them when he woke up. His hair was in complete disarray as it poked out of the covers. She could see his chest moving up and down as he breathed, the occasional twitch of a limb as he dreamed.
But something was off. His head was too close to his chest to be relaxed; his breathing was faster than it should be and the movement of his limbs looked as if they were being restrained by the sheets, wanting to be set free to get away from something. Before Rose could think she found herself instantly at the Doctor's side.
Closer she could see beads of sweat of his brow as he whimpered in his sleep. She sat on the edge of the bed as she started to unravel the sheets from the struggling Time Lord. When his arms were free he started to thrash them around wildly. Fearing that he was going to hurt one of them, Rose grabbed his wrists, holding on tightly so as not to lose her grip.
The Doctor cried out at this new development and doubled his efforts to get away. "No. Stop!" The Doctor shouted and for a moment Rose thought he may be awake. She looked at his face to see his eyes were still closed.
In a desperate attempt to calm him, Rose pulled his body flush with hers. His hands were shoved into his chest as she wrapped her arms around him, their legs tangled together. His head rested on her breast with her heart beating strong for him to hear, somewhere in his mind.
For a minute this seemed to make things worse until he settled against her. She ran her fingers through his hair, trying to soothe him the same way her mother had when she had nightmares. It seemed to do nothing for the Doctor but Rose found that soothed her that she could at least do something.
Rose wasn't sure how long they stayed like that. Minutes? Hours? It seemed to go on for eternity. The Doctor shaking against her in fear, trapped in his own mind and she could do nothing but hold him through the night.
J.S.
When he awoke it was with a small gasp. The Doctor wasn't quite sure where he was when he opened his eyes, and when the mixed with the fear from his night he began to panic. He couldn't move and it was dark and he couldn't breathe-
He heard someone humming softly into his ear and could feel them comb their fingers through his hair. He relaxed at the sensation. He knew where he was. The hum of the TARDIS was all around him, reminding him, proving to him that he was home. And Rose! Oh his brilliant Rose was with him, holding him to her.
Sharkerit, Arkytior. Amorese, Sharkerit, Arkytior.
The Doctor was so content to lay in his companions arms he almost fell back into unconsciousness. Almost.
He would never put Rose through what happened again, not if he could help it. He should have known, really, that the Umbra Viventis would attack him. He had gone into Nikan's mind after all.
He was used to nightmares. They came almost every time he had to sleep. The only thing that made this experience different was the fact that he didn't wake up. He was fully aware that the TARDIS alerted Rose when he had nightmares, but he was always awake when she got to him.
Not this time.
"Rose," his voice came out quiet and rough from sleep. He felt her shift beneath him, felt her breath across his cheek as she sighed.
"…yeah?"
He wasn't really sure what he wanted to say. Maybe a 'thank you' or 'I love you'. No, he wouldn't say that. After all the lives he destroyed he didn't deserve love. He didn't deserve Rose and her kindness, her compassion. Not after Gallifrey and the war. Not after his family and countless others.
Damn Umbra Viventis for bringing up memories he wanted to forget. He could feel his through close up with emotion and the sting of tears as his body looked for some sort of release from the buildup of emotions.
He let out a sound half between a choke and a sob. Rose pulled him closer to her.
But no, he wouldn't cry. He may remember the deaths of so many of his companions. He may see the faces of all the people he let down. He may hear the screams of his dying people every second of every day. Smell the fire and smoke that choked them and burned them. Hear the screams of anguish as bonds broke, leaving the minds of so many broken. Feel the fear of the children that had so much hope to do something with their lives only to have it ripped away from them by him.
"It'll be alright. Shh. It'll be alright." But it wouldn't be alright. Because everything ends and he can't do a damn thing about it! He couldn't save Gallifrey, couldn't save his own family, couldn't save anyone and it hurt.
The Doctor dissolved into wracking sobs and clinging to Rose. She uttered soothing nothings to him, holding him. His sobs became weeping, and when the tears ran out they became whimpers. She didn't let go of him and neither of them spoke.
They laid there for what felt like hours but were only minutes.
The Doctor got up and sighed, putting his head in his hands. Rose gently placed her hand on his shoulder, rubbing soothing circles into the flesh underneath the cotton of his shirt.
"Hey," the Doctor dropped his hands and looked at Rose, his throat working as he tried to speak, "why don't you get cleaned up and I'll make us some breakfast?" Her voice was gentle. The Doctor nodded, thankful that she was allowing him time to compose himself.
She left, telling him to be in the galley in ten minutes before leaving him to his thoughts. He knew that she would have questions, and would only ask him if she knew he was ready for them, weather he knew that or not. And really, being an emotional wreck is not the best time to question someone.
He took those ten minutes, attempting to calm his emotions. He wasn't sure it worked.
When he entered the galley, he saw Rose had just finished making two cups of tea and some toast. She nodded her head at the chair closest to him which had his Tardis blue mug sitting next to a plate.
He gladly took his cuppa, drinking it too quickly and burning his tongue at the scalding temperature of the liquid. He made a face, and as Rose turned around with a plate stacked high with toast, she 'tsked' at him.
Rose set the plate between him and looked at him. Suddenly he felt very small, cradling his tea to his chest as he lowered his head. He felt like a child who had hidden something from an adult. A child who was being mistreated at school and keeping it from their parent. A student who did not understand the material and go to tutoring. A friend who did not tell their friend that they have nightmares, screaming silently throughout the night.
The Doctor could feel Rose's eyes on him. Not daggering or pitiful, just there. He slowly looked up at her, their eyes meeting. She gave a small smile, a quirk of the lips, and however small he couldn't help but return one as well.
"It's the Umbra Viventis, isn't it." It wasn't a statement but a question and the Doctor nodded. She reached forward trying to touch him, but he was too far away. She rested it between them, letting him decide.
A few moments of silence passed between them. "Why didn't you tell me?" she asked. Truly, he hadn't known until recently. They had been hiding from him, but they couldn't hide forever.
"It happened when you helped Nikan that first night," she said, knowing that was the only time the Umbra Viventis could attack. She always was brilliant.
"Yes," he said quietly, staring into her dark brown eyes.
They sat there for another few moments, simply staring into each other's eyes.
"You can let me help," she offered. "We can go back to Aklien and find that berry that helped Nikan, and after this is over…" she trailed off, looking at something past his figure.
"…what," he asked.
She turned her eyes back to his. "We can talk about what goes on in there," she pointed at his head with another small smile. And again he smiled back, placing his hand on top of hers.
"I'd like that,"
J.S.
They stood in the console room as they prepared to head back to Aklien. Rose wasn't sure when they would have their talk, or if the Doctor would even bring it up again. She supposed it didn't matter right now. The memories were too fresh, too raw, to speak about.
She leaned against a support strut as the Doctor inputted the coordinates for Aklien. He looked over at her and smiled. Rose couldn't help but to smile back. He looked back to the controls and pulled the handbrake. Or he would have.
Before Rose knew it she was over by the Doctor, holding him, supporting him, his back to her chest as his knees gave out with a shout of pain. His head had fallen onto her shoulder; his hands gripped over hers were they held onto his middle. He couldn't seem to find his feet as they scrambled below him. She heard him give out a whimper of pain as she dragged him back to the pilot's seat.
They collapsed on the pilot's seat in a heap of limbs. Rose tried to get the Doctor comfortable but nothing seemed to work. She ran her hands gently through his hair, desperately trying to soothe him. He hissed in a breath at the contact and curled in on himself.
"Rose," he whimpered
"Yes Doctor?"
"It hurts," he buried his face in the crook of her neck until he jumped away from her as if he had been burned. His knees still didn't seem to be working as he collapsed on the grating. Rose had hoped his pain would disappear at the lack of skin contact but seemed even the grating caused him pain.
"I know," she said as she watched helplessly at her Time Lord in pain, wondering what she could possibly do.
J.S.
Pain.
Pain.
Pain.
Pain everywhere. The Doctor felt pain everywhere. Nothing could relieve. It was burning and all consuming. Why does it hurt? Why won't it stop?
Hands were on him, around his middle. They hurt too, but he couldn't hold himself up from the pain and the hands felt familiar. These hands should never bring him pain. They should remind him of being loved, of being a child wrapped in the warmest blanket. No, they brought pain.
That made him so sad. So, so very sad. He thinks he said her name but he is not quite certain what he is even thinking at the moment. He lays curled on the floor… that he knows, because he can feel it. Somewhere in his mind he knows why that is. Something about organic touch overloading the nerve endings and bringing excruciating pain.
He whimpers when he feels the press of a hand on his shoulder blade. But he can feel the hands pulling him up until he is standing. One hand holds his own with a burning touch and he has the thought of discovering burn marks when he looks at it.
There's the other hand on his waist. Pushing, guiding him somewhere. He can't see where he's going as his vision is blurred. Tears run down his face as he walks with the hands. Why would the loving hands hurt him? Did he do something wrong?
Suddenly there is nothing and he collapses from the relief it brings.
J.S.
Rose was extremely lucky. The Doctor had come with her, though she doesn't know why. This room worked and that was a lucky guess. The Doctor lay curled by her side, panting and whimpering from the resent pain. She did her best to help him, rubbing soothing circles onto his shoulder with her thumb.
Slowly the Doctor's breathing evened out. He lifted his head as if it weighed too much for his neck. His deep brown eyes locked with hers. His eyes were red-rimmed and his cheeks were slightly pink from his crying. He took in one deep breath and said quietly…
"I think we need a new plan,"
