After The Dust, Ned stopped taking care of himself.
He lost weight.
Lost his motive.
Because Ned had always struggled with self-esteem. He always worried that he didn't have a purpose.
Being the guy in the chair had given him that.
And when that title was stripped away, when he lost his best (and only) friend, he lost that sense of worth.
Ned finished high school, but considered dropping out every single day. School was no longer fun. Not without Peter. He went to school and got made fun of and had no one to get made fun of with. He went home and did homework and had no one to text, no one to talk to, no one to build LEGOs with, no one to watch Star Wars with, no one to gush to about his theories on the newest nerd things.
He was alone.
Ned didn't go to his own graduation. He had planned to feign sickness but it turns out he didn't have to try very hard.
Because if Peter couldn't go to graduation then why should he be able to?
Ned went to the the California Institute of Technology to study computer science. His scores got him in, and he wanted to get as far away from New York as possible.
He thought that maybe he could escape the pain.
But it turns out, you can never escape pain.
You can run, but it will always find you.
It will always come back, always stronger.
And it will always be stronger than you.
He couldn't get away. But he tried anyway.
If he couldn't have his old life back, he wanted to start over.
To make new friends, and pretend that he didn't once have the best friend in the world, pretend that he didn't once know Queens's favorite web-slinging superhero, pretend that he could go a day without thinking about that quirky kid who didn't deserve to go up in ash but did anyway, pretend that he wasn't broken inside and pretend that he didn't break a little more every day.
But faking it could only take him so far.
Peter was gone.
And there was nothing he could do.
And when Ned was a senior in high school, he debated applying for a job at Stark Industries.
But he decided he wasn't ready.
Not yet.
It had been nearly four years but it was still too soon.
And then the world changed again.
And this time, it changed for the better.
Because it was like The Dust again but this time, all the people who had fallen apart were pieced back together.
And he hoped — he tried not to hope because he didn't want to be disappointed but he still couldn't help hoping — that Peter would come back too.
But an hour went by. No word.
A day went by. No word.
Two days. Still, nothing.
And so, that speck of hope that Ned had always had inside of him that let him believe that maybe he's ok and maybe someday he would see him again, it disappeared. Just like Peter.
And, just like Peter, he knew he was never getting it back.
And so when his phone received an incoming call from Peter's phone number, he didn't let himself hope.
Some things are too good to be true.
But still, he picked up immediately.
"Hello?"
"Ned?"
And then there was a pause, in which Ned forgot how to breathe.
Because Peter was there, on the phone.
The friend he'd thought he'd lost was back. Peter was ok. And maybe Ned would be ok too.
"Peter oh my god I missed you so much you have no idea are you ok?"
"Hey Ned I'm fine. I'm just... glad to be back."
"Dude I thought you were dead. I... I missed you so much."
"FRIDAY told me you're in California... are you OK?"
"It might sound weird, or stupid, I dunno. I just... thought if I couldnt drown out the pain then maybe I could run away from it, ya know? I just wanted to start over, to go somewhere where nothing reminded me of everything I'd lost."
And when he said "everything I'd lost," peter could read between the lines.
Reminded me of you, Peter.
Of you.
Because I lost you.
And you were everything.
And when I lost you, I lost me, too.
"That doesn't sound weird at all,. I've spent the past 17 years doing that exact same thing, ever since my parents died."
Peter and Ned talked for hours. They told each other everything that had happened. Peter told Ned that he was considering revealing his identity, and Ned encouraged him. Ned, who was finishing his last year in college, decided to move back to New York after graduating and apply for a job at Stark Industries. Because unlike Peter, Ned no longer had pain to run away from.
—
When Peter finally hung up several hours later, he sat on his bed quietly. And the longer he stayed there, the more he allowed his brain to start thinking again. The more he thought, the more he wanted to just stay hidden there forever or disappear. He pulled out his phone and watched the video he had made in Berlin. And his heart ached. He wished he could go back to that time, be innocent again, be happy again. To get back that feeling of freedom he had had when he was fifteen, before he had died and woken up with a million responsibilities. And most of all, he wished he could see Tony Stark again.
But then Peter began to feel guilty for wishing. Tony hadn't been his father, or even a distant relative. He had just been some famous billionaire who probably didn't even care about Peter. He was just a liability for Tony, just a responsibility. Peter didn't deserve to miss him, didn't deserve to mourn him. It was so selfish of him.
"Peter!"
The voice startled him out of the daze that was wrapping itself quickly around him, asphyxiating him and shielding the world from his view.
It was Bucky.
"Peter, it's ok. I'm here."
"What—"
"You were having a panic attack." Bucky sat down next to Peter.
"I'm sorry," Peter said, the guilt of it hitting him. Bucky had better things to do then help Peter with his ridiculous weakness.
"Don't apologize. I get them, too."
"Wait, really?"
Bucky nodded. "I've been meaning to ask you," he began, changing the subject, "what's the hand sign you do when you shoot webs?"
Peter showed him. "The two fingers in the middle go down because there's a button on the palm my web shooter. I don't really know why I put the other fingers up; it just feels right, I guess. Like I'm pointing or something."
Bucky smiled. "Have I ever told you that I know American Sign Language?"
"Whoa, seriously? That's so cool!"
Bucky nodded. "In ASL, you can make letters with your hands to spell words or names." He pointed his pinky finger up. "This means I," He made an L with his pointer finger and thumb, saying, "This is L, and this is Y," he put up his pinky finger and thumb. "And if you combine those three letters," he formed his metal hand into the signature hand sign that Spider-Man used, "it means 'I love you'."
Peter smiled, studying the hand sign. "Huh, I didn't know that."
"Just remember that, Peter. People are going to try to use you, especially after you reveal your identity. You have a lot of power, and people are going to try to utilize that for their own benefit. Don't let them. Always remember that no matter what happens, Spider-Man is not about power or money or social aggrandizement. Spider-Man is about love."
—
A few minutes after Bucky left, Peter got up and walked into the common room where the Avengers would be having a meeting. As soon as he sat down between Bucky and Steve, a man whom Peter immediately recognized as Clint Barton spoke up. "So you're Stark's kid?"
"Well, not biologically..."
"You'd think you were, though, the way he talked about you," Natasha claimed, then added, "So you're the spider guy."
Peter nodded. "How did you know that?"
"I'm a spy, Peter. Besides, Stark told us. And he also told us to let you join the team and reveal your identity when he dies, if you're ready."
Peter nodded. "I am."
The Avengers asked Peter about his life and he told them about how his parents had died when he was young and he lived with May and Ben, how Ben died right around the time when Peter got his powers and about how he felt responsible, how he had made a suit out of red and blue sweats and black goggles and how Tony Stark had found him and recruited him and given him an upgrade. He told them how he was there in Berlin, about his adventures as Spider-Man, and that he disintegrated on Titan. A few of the other members of the team confessed that they had known his parents, and they asked if he knew how they died. He said yes, and subtly, so that the others wouldn't notice, he squeezed Bucky's real hand, as if to say it's ok; Spider-Man is about love, not about grudges. And they welcomed him to the team.
