Castle held her tightly into his chest, trying to keep her together as she sobbed into his shoulder, her hands fisted in his shirt as she held on for dear life.
He'd had no idea this was what was going through her mind.
How could she think he'd get 'sick of the hassle' of having kids with her? They were engaged for goodness sake, he'd asked her to marry him. How could she possibly still think he was going to walk away?
And as for her fears for Charlie, of course he understood that her mind worked like that, planning for every worst case scenario, never thinking it would go to plan. She was a homicide detective- she saw death and destruction on a daily basis- he understood that about her. But to truly think by her taking this pregnancy to term, by her having all three babies, she'd miss the moment that Charlie needed her most, that was madness.
"Kate..." he murmured but she shook her head.
"Please Castle. Not right now okay? Just give me this before you take it all away." Castle stiffened and pulled away sharply, his heart aching for her when she immediately let go of him, wrapping her arms around herself, looking oh so fragile.
"Kate. I'm not leaving. I've told you that already. I love you. I love Charlie and yeah, I love those babies already. Kate, do you really trust me so little that you don't believe a word I'm saying to you?" He asked, his voice more desperate, more hardened than he had intended.
Kate floundered for a moment, her mouth opening and closing before she dropped her head to face the floor, shrugging her shoulders.
"Kate, baby," Rick started softly, "I know Will hurt you." He watched his fiancé stiffen and knew he'd hit the nail on the head. "I know he left you and broke your heart and left you to raise Charlie alone. I know that when he came back last year, the things he said, the way he looked at Charlie, the way he acted with you, I know how much that hurt you. But baby, I'm not Will. I found out about Charlie and immediately wanted to do anything I could to make you both happy. We've raised him together for almost three years now. Kate I put a ring on your finger. Please tell me that you know how committed I am to you. Honey I love you more than I love anyone, barring our children, in the whole world. Kate for as far as it is in my power, I am never gonna leave you. Tell me you know that."
Kate sniffed softly. "But..." she drifted off, shaking her head, unable to push past her fear to talk to him about this.
"But what Kate?" Castle pushed gently, his voice soft and as unthreatening as he could make it.
Kate shrugged. "He's so much work Castle. He takes up so much of your time and you can't be at the precinct anymore.
"If I had never come into your life like this, if you had never known about him, never started dating me, you would have such an easier life. Alexis is in college now, you don't need to be responsible for her every moment and you could enjoy this time. Write, and play cop, and mess around with your video games, fall in and out of love," she paused, her voice breaking.
"If, if we now have triplets, you won't be back at the precinct for years, if you can come back at all. You'll suddenly have, for all intents and purposes, four newborns to look after. And yeah, I'll cut down my hours even more to help you but Rick, I can't be here every moment of every day unless I quit the force and we both know I can't do that. So, where does that leave us Rick?
"You resenting me when you miss deadlines and get chewed out by Gina? Us arguing every night because you're exhausted from watching the kids all day, and I'm too tired to help because I've just closed a case? How do we do this without losing us Castle? How do we do this and still be a family?"
Castle let himself process her argument for a moment, but in the end he shook his head.
"Kate, being at the precinct with you for those first two and a half years was amazing, I won't deny it. Watching how you work, your brilliant brain puzzling it out, wow Kate.
"But, raising Charlie together has been even better."
Kate raised her head in order to look him in the eye, assessing his truthfulness. She saw nothing but honestly.
"Kate I adored raising Alexis. Loved every minute of it. And yeah, Alexis didn't have seizures at odd intervals. She didn't spend nearly a week in hospital because I'd tried to help her and found that she was amazingly allergic to the drug I'd given her. I was never worried about leaving her alone for two minutes in case she seized while I wasn't there.
"But I love Charlie. Just as much as I love Alexis. And nothing he can do, nothing the doctors can say, will ever change that. And yeah, having one infant is hard, so three is terrifying. But we can do it. I know we can. Because we are so very strong Kate. We can handle just about anything. And Kate, I'm not gonna leave. Not now, not ever. I love you. I will always love you. I will never purposefully abandon you nor will I choose to walk away from you. I'm not him Kate. I won't ever hurt you like that."
"I, I know." Kate murmured softly.
"If you knew that, you wouldn't be worried like this. What is it about this situation that scares you most? Is there one thing?"
Kate shook her head before stopping mid movement and shrugging. "I guess, I guess I'm just, not used to needing anyone." She started, stilted and cryptic.
"I know how hard this is Kate but I'm gonna need more detail than that."
Kate sighed softly, running her hand through her hair. "My mom, my dad, Will, I needed them all and when it came down to it they left me, voluntarily or otherwise. And then, I raised Charlie by myself for two years and didn't need anyone. It was just me and him against the world. But, then you came along and I tried so very hard to not need you. But I do. I do need you. And if I have three kids with you Castle, I'm never going to be able to stop needing you." She shook her head at herself. "Castle I love you. With all my heart and every tiny piece of my soul. But, I..."
"Baby, forget me. Alright? Just, forget me for a moment. What do you want to do? What do you want to do? What does your gut say, your heart?" Castle pushed gently.
Kate shrugged gently, tears building in her eyes. "I love them." She whispered oh so quietly. "I already love them Rick and the thought of, the thought of harming them makes me sick." She revealed, her eyes slipping closed. "But, Charlie has to be my priority. He's my baby, my little man and he needs me. He needs me to put him first, always."
"Kate, I can honestly promise you that he won't get left behind if we take this to term."
Kate shrugged, still unable to meet his eye, her fingers once again nervously twisting her engagement ring. "And Alexis?" She asked gently.
"Kate, Alexis loves having a little brother. Charlie is her world. She has a picture of him as her phone background and shows it to everyone she knows. She adores having him in her life. Having another three siblings will be a shock but I'm confident that she'll love it. And hey, at least she'll always get to hold one." The corners of Kate's mouth kicked up in a half smile. "Kate, angel, don't make this decision on anyone but you."
"Would you ever forgive me? If I chose to do anything but take it to term?" She asked the crux of the conversation so shyly it hurt.
"Kate I love you. If that is what you think is right, I'll, I wouldn't like it but, you're more important to me. We'd get through it."
Kate sighed deeply, running her hand through her hair, tilting her head to the ceiling. "I..." she paused, shaking her head slowly, finally looking her fiancé in the eye."I'm gonna get so fat." She warned him quietly.
Rick's heart skipped a beat. "Does that mean what I think it does?"
"You'll still love me when I'm the size of the Hampton's house?" Castle nodded eagerly, his smile growing, matching her tiny one. "Then yeah Rick. It means what you think it means. Let's have triplets Rick."
Castle flew to her and wrapped his arms around her hips, picking her up and kissing her as he spun them in a circle, her giggle matching his own laugh.
They were going to have triplets.
If this were a sitcom, this is where the audience would cheer. NYLF xx
