CHAPTER SEVEN- "RESULTS OF LIFE"
He rubbed a hand along his face again, as he looked down at Lily, who was still fast asleep in his bed. He had fixed the controls to her door days ago, but she still came and slept with him. Last night, it was because she had another nightmare about those aliens. He hadn't had one about them in a long while; but he was having other nightmares. It had been a week and a half since Lily and the others returned from the planet. And although their relationship was slowly changing, taking form of something new, he had to come to terms with what it was he was about to do. He was about to hurt her that he knew. But it had to be him; he was the only one capable of sitting in the chair.
He was just about to get out of the bed, to try and sneak off before she woke up. He stopped, as he heard her shift and start to wake up. He hadn't realized how early he had awoke, and had been sitting there contemplating it all. They could control how much information was traveling into his mind, and the speed that same information would travel. There were risks, that he was certain. But since no body else gave a damn about trying to unlock even a tiny bit of the ship's core systems, he had to be the one to do it. To show them that he was working on solving their little problem; even if he had nothing waiting for him back home. He did allow his eyes to travel to her face, as she started to come back to the waking world. A small smile tugged at his lips, but only for a second, as he thought of Gloria's face the many times he watched her wake up.
He first heard her inhale a deep breath through her nose, watching her head nuzzle the pillow below her. She was trying to decide whether or not she was even ready to wake up. But another moment later, he saw the soft Gray eyes open, still heavy with sleep. As realization crossed her features, she moved so she would be sitting up on her elbows, looking over at him. She then took note of the time on her watch, chuckling some to herself.
"It's still really early. Why are you up?"
"I've got work to do."
"You always have work to do. I thought we'd sleep in…"
"You sleep in. You still look exhausted, I should be going-"
"Wait, stay. Come on, just 30 more minutes…"
He watched her scoot closer to him, feeling his skin get goosebumps as he felt her breath suddenly upon his ear. If his heart didn't feel so heavy with guilt, about the pain he knew he was going to cause her, he may have chuckled. She was smiling, trying to beg him to come back to bed. Her voice jokingly pleaded, soft and hot against his ear.
"Please…pretty please Nick. Pretty please with sugar on top? Please…"
Her begging turned into little whimpers, and he did allow a smile to tug at the corners of his lips. He shared a small chuckle, almost inaudible, as he gave her a deep stare. Despite being partially an alien, there was something about her this morning. He had always admired how beautiful she was, but this morning, she seemed to have a glow about her. Her eyes were sparkling, her smile almost seemed addicting, skin looked smooth and soft. She was just ravishing. He blinked to himself, to shift his train of thoughts elsewhere, and nodded to her.
"Okay, 30 more minutes, but that's it."
She giggled softly as she settled back down in the bed, watching as he lies back as well. He couldn't stop his mind from wandering, which prevented him from actually falling asleep. She did lightly nap, and her gentle breathing had almost worked to calm his nerves. Those 30 minutes went by too quickly for his liking, and as he moved to get up again, she awoke once more. This time, however, she got up from the bed as well. He watched her for a moment, studying her. It seemed she had somewhere important to be, but he didn't question her as she gathered what little items she had brought into his quarters with her. He contemplated telling her about his plan to sit in the chair today, but he knew she would try to talk him out of it if he did. And he was determined to get the answers that they needed.
"Aren't you at least going to go eat something? I know we decided on not eating the things we brought back from the planet, but that doesn't mean-"
"Lily, you didn't have to choose that option if you didn't want to."
"No-no, it's a smart thing to do. I don't want to become addicted to a fruit or vegetable we get from a planet, and suddenly have to go without. With the goop, we have plenty of it. I've just been using all the herbs we've gathered to make the goop more…appealing."
He nodded his head, she was correct about that. While on the planet it seemed Lily, at least, had made sure that they gathered as much herbs that they could find readily on the planet. It was obvious to him that Lily had been thinking about everyone's culinary options from the start. She knew the fruit and vegetables that were gathered from the planet would eventually run out. And that meant everyone was stuck going back to square one when it came to their food options. Lily, being the smart and open minded thinker that she was, knew enough about the herbs, to have the sense to gather ones that she knew would make the goop seem more edible. He realized he never answered her initial question, giving a small, hidden smile as his hand moved as if brushing the issue aside.
"I'll eat something a little later-"
"Nick, we're all under nourished as it is. We can't afford you getting sick on us."
By sick, she definitely meant expiring, and he swallowed another thick lump that had suddenly formed in his throat. He turned away from her face a moment, her eyes were expressing so many concerns and emotions; it almost made him double think his plan for today. But after a moment, he checked his pockets to make sure he had his items, before turning back to her.
"You shouldn't worry about that."
"If I don't worry about it, no one will. I'll bring you something to eat later, how about that?"
"That won't be necessary. I'll be far to busy."
He saw her give him a look of confusion, but he shook his head, silently telling her that 'it didn't matter.' After another long glance at one another, he activated his doors and walked out. He knew exactly where he was going, and Eli and Brody had better been waiting on him. He didn't want to waste any time; he wanted to do this and get this over with, his mind now focused primarily on the task at hand.
She watched him go, making sure she tidied his quarters a bit before she left. She felt bad for not telling him about what was going on. She was just so afraid of what he might do or so, given the news. Especially since it seemed their relationship was fairing a bit better than it had in years. She was worried, excited, scared, and happy; all kinds of emotions were swirling around her today as she made her way to the infirmary. She smiled when T.J. looked up at her, going over to give her a hug. She reached a hand down, to place softly upon T.J.'s pregnant belly, smiling to herself.
"I haven't told Colonel Young anything-"
"I won't say anything. I haven't told Rush either. Although, we won't know anything about me until later today. T.J., do you know what Rush has planned for today? I mean, he said he was going to be busy, but today he sounded as if it was extremely important."
"No. I haven't heard of anything new going on within the ship. I can ask Colonel Young, if you'd like."
"No. I think I'll just ask Nick later, or if I have to, I'll ask Colonel Young myself. Maybe I'm just being paranoid. I think the fact that Nick is the father has sunk in, and I'm just too afraid of thinking how this could all go, if I didn't have him. I mean, I can handle being a mother on my own if I have to, but I know what it's like living without a parent, even though I didn't have any for a long while. And I know parent is just a "title," but Nick was a part in making this child, whether he was aware of that or not."
"So Nick doesn't remember how it happened?"
"I think he told me once he was getting these fuzzy images of something they had done to him, but he couldn't really recall. …I know it's something I often flash back to a lot. Although, my visions are different than his. I just remember them implanting me with the fertilized egg. Look at me, I'm talking as if I'm pregnant, yet we're not even completely sure that I am pregnant."
"We'll know later for sure. I'll have enough time, and I do have the resources, to look at your blood and tell. Relax, you're going to feel a little sting…"
She relaxed as T.J. told her, resisting the urge to flinch as she felt the sting of the needle going into her skin. She watched as her blood started to fill up a tiny vile connected to the needle, smiling a bit.
"If I am pregnant, at least you won't be alone. I know you're not too…happy with the fact that you may have to raise your child on the ship. But we can work it out together. And hopefully, we'll find a way to get home, and this will be just a temporary thing."
"Thanks Lily, I appreciate it."
Soon the needle was removed, T.J. setting the vile aside as Lily stood back up again. Still knowing that it was early, she assumed T.J. probably hadn't eaten anything yet. She smiles, gently touching the other woman on the arm.
"Hey, it's still pretty early, how about we go get some breakfast? You are eating for two, after all. You definitely can't afford to get malnourished anymore."
"Neither can you."
She nodded her head; the blood test was just to confirm what she already knew. She couldn't argue with the other woman, as they both left the infirmary to go into the mess hall. The blood test was forgotten for now, as the two women sat down at a table to eat and talk quietly amongst themselves.
She wasn't sure if it was even healthy for her to do this, but she couldn't stop herself. Someone had vaguely mentioned that they had heard rumors of someone sitting in the chair, and that was all she needed to hear. She panted, her heart thudding against her chest, as her legs instinctively ran to the room she needed to be. She prayed that her suspicions were incorrect; he was busy and tied up in a different room. But she knew how interested he had been in the chair; how him and Young often fought about the fact that no one should sit in it. She remembered the silent threat Young gave him, egging him on to sit in it. She reached the doorway, freezing and eyes going wide as she witnessed what she had feared this whole time.
She hadn't even seen Brody and Eli's surprised and fearful expressions, as she stepped further into the faintly lit room. There in the center stood the chair, and Nicholas was already seated; already tapped into the experiment. She saw the nodes connected to the side of his head, his eyes closed, his being tapped out from this world, only to be locked away into his subconscious. She felt tears tugging at the corners of her eyes, as she turned her head to glare unbelieving at both Eli and Brody. She never knew Brody would keep her out of the dark of something as serious as this. And she was extremely shocked that Eli had kept this from her; Eli had become a dear friend in the time they had spent on the ship already. She frowned, stepping up to where the two were standing, folding her arms over her chest.
"I want you two, to tell me everything, now."
They heard how serious her voice had sounded, the fact that it had been a demand. She stood there, hearing bits and pieces. Something about the flow of the information was being controlled, that there was a selected portion of his mind that the information was being stored. She heard them say they were taking control of the experiment as much as humanly possible. But she still knew there were risks; she knew why Nick was doing this. She understood that someone had to do this, knowing it may have been their last hope of unlocking some of the locked portions and controls of the ship. It was another possible solution or key of them getting home. But Nick didn't have to be the one to sit in the chair. She was angry; she felt as if Nick had been pressured to sit in the chair, and she was pissed that Nick had kept this from her. But even then, she sadly watched him, wondering what it was Nick was unlocking, or remembering, within his own mind.
"… This assumption is valid for classical computers; no classical algorithm is known that can factor in polynomial time…"
He had his fingers pinching the bridge of his nose, as the information was flowing within his mind, within the background. He opened them a moment later, seeing the concerned looks on all of his student's faces. His eyes moved to one student in particular, taking note of how much younger she looked now, yet, still looked the same. She was seated in seat number 46, the same purple notebook sprawled out on top of her desk. She was wearing jeans, but she always had either nice dress tops on or tank tops. Today was a rather hot day, so she sported a tank, the same color as her notebook. She had been tapping her pen against the desk, but it remained still as her eyes were watching him. She looked to be the most concerned, her eyes heavy and silently asking herself, asking him, 'what's wrong?' Even now, the soft, plump pink lips were in a frown, as her eyes never left him.
"Professor Rush?"
He finally acknowledged the class, trying to act as if nothing was going on. He lectured for a while longer before the bell rung and it was time for everyone to leave. He watched the lecture room start to thin out, although he noticed she had hung around. Her hands were holding onto her books in front of her, as she was leaning against the doorframe. He sighed to himself, knowing why she stayed behind. Lily wasn't just any other student of his. They had somewhat of a past together; she was almost like a family friend to himself and Gloria. He watched her climb down the steps, before walking over to him.
"You sure you're okay? I know Gloria's doctor appointment is today, isn't it?"
"Yeah, it doesn't matter."
She looked a bit shocked by his answer, and he watched her debate within her mind if she should press the issue further or not. He sighed, starting to get slightly aggravated, but brushed her off.
"Really Lily, everything will be fine. You shouldn't be late for your next class."
She looked a little offended at how easily he brushed her off, but she nodded. Before she left, he felt her hand on his shoulder, giving a few friendly and comforting rubs. It was her silent way of letting him know she was there for him, before she exited the room. He stood there for a moment, before he gathered his things and left as well.
He arrived home, walking in to hear the sounds of a violin. It was playing a beautiful, but depressing piece. He knew it was Gloria playing. He almost hesitated continuing further inside; taking slow and painful steps down the hallway. He stopped at the doorway to their den, seeing Gloria seated in a chair, back turned to him. He hadn't remembered seeing Lily sitting there on that day, but there she was, seated at the couch. Lily was watching Gloria play; obviously Lily had been concerned and being the nice person she was, had come over to check on Gloria.
It seemed Gloria had told the younger woman the results, for the Gray eyes were rimmed with redness from crying. Those same Gray eyes suddenly noticed him at the doorway, trained on him as the two of them simply listened to the sad and haunting melody coming forth. He noticed Gloria had briefly took notice of him standing there, still focused on playing. Lily was looking at him, almost begging him to come forth, to take Gloria into his arm. Or for him to say something encouraging, to simply do something. He stood there, information still flowing within his mind. And instead of doing something to console his wife, he simply left from the door frame, going into his office, and locking himself within. She frowned at that, watching Gloria stop playing, the woman almost to the verge of tears. She reached over, her hand rubbing Gloria's hand in a comforting way, trying to offer anything to ease Gloria's mind.
"Give him some time, to come around."
She stood, listening to the conversation Colonel Young was having with T.J., Brody and Eli, concerning Rush. She didn't like what she was hearing, not one bit of it. The Colonel was upset that no one told him what Rush was planning, when he was the one who was so okay with the suggestion of it in the first place. She bit her lip as the Colonel stated that he didn't care whether Rush killed himself or not, acting as if he was concerned about everyone else onboard. She heard Brody warn that Rush had to be the only person to get himself out of this situation, and heard the warning from Young. Young commanding that if anything went wrong, he'd pull the plug himself. That was enough, she wasn't going to just stand around and take any more of it. As he stepped out, she followed closely behind, stopping him a good distance away.
"I don't want anyone touching him, period. No one is going to pull the plug on this except Rush."
"I do not have time for this Ms. Dalhberg-"
"Oh, but you had time to leave us stranded on a planet. I wonder what everyone would think of their Colonel if I told them what really happened."
"…I thought we had struck an alliance, an agreement."
"You struck one with Rush. I was still under a sedated coma, so I didn't agree to shit. I was compliant, yes, because Rush had asked me to be. And this is the same man, who you just in there, told everyone you didn't care whether he lived or died. So you're breaking the deal by saying all that."
"He just goes and sits in the damned thing, without thinking what it could do to everyone else-"
"You told him to sit in it. He was only doing what, he felt, would help us get out of this situation. Don't you think as a Colonel, it should be your responsibility to do whatever you can to be getting us home? Rather than have Rush do all the damned work, and you take the credit for it? And don't you dare say that isn't how it's going to work, because we all know that everyone thinks of Rush as the fucking enemy."
"So, what do we do then?"
"I don't want anyone touching a hair on him. And I want T.J. nearby, in case, something does happen. And if Rush does find some valid information with all this, I want you to, at least, acknowledge his efforts."
"Done."
"I also want everyone reporting to me first, when it comes to anything involving this experiment from here on out."
"Report to you? That's not how it works, Ms. Dalhberg, I'm the Colonel-"
"I don't give a damn what you or anyone else are compared to me. As far as I'm concerned, that's just a title. Let's not forget Rush had assigned me as his personal assistant, and that means I must be there to assist him. I cannot do that, unless I know what the hell is going on at all times."
"You're upset that he didn't tell you he was doing this. So now, you're lashing out at everyone else."
"Do you really want to rub salt in these wounds? Everyone reports to me when it's concerning him, and I want him safe. If something happens to him, there will be hell to pay."
"Are you threatening me, Ms. Dalhberg?"
"That's not a threat, Colonel."
And with that, she left, stalking back into the room, looking over at T.J.
"You can go back to doing what you're doing. If anything changes, you'll be the first one called in here."
She wasn't too pleased that she had gotten into an argument with the father of T.J.'s baby, but she was only trying to do what was right for the father of her own child. Frowning, she looks over at Rush, whose mouth was moving in a mumble, and eyes shifting this way and that under his closed eyelids. She prayed that this would all be over soon, and was hoping this was just some kind of bad nightmare.
He had been listening to Gloria and Constance talk, about Gloria wanting to return home; to visit her family one last time. He couldn't deal with this; he had a lot of work to do and this was just another distraction. These distractions were becoming more and more frequent, and were just becoming bothersome and distracting. He went to his office, opening the door, but saw Lily standing there. Now this wasn't making any sense whatsoever. Lily was just showing up in memories, when she wasn't even there in the beginning. He remembered this day well, Lily hadn't been here. So why the hell was she here now, standing within the middle of the room, amazed by all the papers and scribblings that were seemingly everywhere.
"What are you doing here?"
He watched her jump a bit, at the forcefulness in his voice, and for once, she was speechless. She simply stood there, looking at him, her eyes laced with wetness. He was confused, and watched as she simply brushed past him and walked off. She exited his home, Gloria and Constance acting as if they never even saw her leave. That was a bit unsettling to him, not quite understanding the point of that, but ignored it as Constance walked up to sass him, like he already knew was going to happen.
He was now in his classroom again, and he just finished writing a string of mathematical equations in Ancient on the board. He turned around and faced his class, noticing Dr. Daniel Jackson observing in the back. His eyes swept across everyone, especially Lily, addressing them.
"Every code that's ever been cracked, every cipher in the last two millennia has been based on those who came before them. This code, however, is so old, there may be no known predecessor."
"You're talking about a proto-encryption."
"Exactly, right."
"Wh... How do we attack it with no basis, then?"
He looked over his students again, for the most part, they all had looks on their faces, as if trying to figure out the problem. Lily, looked beyond confused, continuing to watch him. He was a bit disappointed; after all, she had seen these symbols before. She should have been standing up, and explaining the little bit of information she knew. Oh sure, she was seriously lacking in what she knew compared to him, but she had seen the symbols before. Now, she appeared as if she had never seen these in her entire life.
"None of you. Nothing. None of you see any pattern in this? So what good are you lot, then? Why are you here?"
"There's symbols up there I've never even seen before!"
"Yeah, he's right."
He heard Lily agree with one of his brightest students in the class, and that pushed him over his limit. All of them had seen these symbols before, it was incredulous that not one of them, offered any form of a solution.
"Yes you have! Yes you have, because I have, and you are all me!"
He heard a lot of his students talking under their breaths, wondering what he was talking about, what he was doing. Lily was just sitting there, though now her face had gone from confused to concerned. If he could single anyone out of the entire room, she was the one who should have been really connected to him. She works with him now, in a sense, and he pointed at her. At his pointing, her attention immediately went to him, and he saw slight nervousness cross her features.
"Lily, out of everyone here, you definitely should know these symbols!"
"Professor Rush?"
He heard her question, genuine confusion and slight disappointment sounded in her voice. He looked at everyone one last time, before he decided he had enough.
"Get out! All of you - just get out!"
'I'm spinning out of control
Not knowing which way to go
Feelin' left out in the cold
I just wanna let go of it all and climb over the wall
I need some help to get back on my feet
If you're out there cover me'
Soon everyone was gone from the classroom, all except for two people. He watched Dr. Jackson climb down the steps to join him. But he noticed Lily still hanging around, leaning against the door
frame. He grunted a bit to himself, as Dr. Jackson addressed him.
"It's not there fault."
"Yeah, I know."
He still noticed Lily there, letting his frustrations get the best of him again.
"I said get out!"
When she didn't move, he pointed at her, looking over to Dr. Jackson. He chuckled a bit to himself; he was clearly past the limit of his frustrations.
"Why is she still here?"
"Maybe she's always been a part of your subconscious. A familiar face or person who is always there whenever you need her. …It's not her fault either. Maybe she's waiting for you to open up more, so she can help you."
He thought about that a moment, before shaking his head.
"Lily isn't the answer. Even though she's my assistant now, she doesn't know a thing about Ancient, except having seen the symbols before. She doesn't have any true knowledge about the Stargate program, about how a stargate works, nothing. She does have an open mind, so sometimes, she can come up with some out there solutions to situations, but that's not what I'm looking for."
"It still seems like she's some sort of crutch…"
"No. It's nothing like that…"
She hated to be away from him, especially when he was just sitting there in that chair, and she wasn't sure what was exactly going on. But she was sitting in the infirmary again, feeling her own heart thump against her chest. T.J. had mentioned her test results were in, and as T.J. walked in, she feared it was something worse.
"Lily, you're definitely pregnant. The test came back positive. …How are you going to tell him?"
"I don't know. I mean, he had wanted kids in the past, but that was with Gloria. Not me. I'm-I'm not even sure if I am ready to tell him yet."
"I won't say a word. It's a medical code. I'm not allowed to release any information regarding my patients unless I'm given the okay. Especially since you haven't told Colonel Young anything regarding me."
"It's not my place to tell, Tamara. Anyways, thanks."
"Lily, one more thing. You're about 8 ½ weeks along."
She nodded before stepping out into the corridor again. She walked as if she was having an out of body experience. She was actually pregnant, and was a good ways along too. She was told it couldn't be possible, and yet, she had a little embryo growing inside of her. She frowns, and the father to that embryo was subjecting himself to a dangerous experiment: for all of them. She looked up suddenly, as she saw Eli hanging out on one of the stairways in the gate room. He looked up at her; almost afraid she would bite his head off. She gave a kind smile, waiting for his permission, before she took a seat next to him. He was dressed to go off world, knowing he was going along with Matt, Greer and Chloe to check out the new planet they had stumbled upon.
"Look, I honestly didn't know anything. We had talked about it, but I didn't know Rush was being serious. Although, I should have. He's always serious-"
"It's okay Eli. Rush makes his own choices, including this one. Even if I had asked him not to, he probably would have done so anyways."
"Trust me, I know how stubborn he is."
She chuckles, and had to bite her lip to keep from tearing up. She had so many emotions swirling through her mind, and her hormones surging like they were, she felt like she was going to start crying an ocean. She heard Eli chuckle, looking over briefly.
"I remember the first day I met you two…"
"I remember too, Eli."
She looked out the window from the SUV parked in the street, as General O'Neil stepped up to the house. Having been briefed quickly from Dr. Rush, it seemed someone had finally managed to break the Dakara weapons puzzle in the video game 'Prometheus' that he had designed. It meant that this gentleman had managed to solve the mathematical problem everyone had been trying to solve, concerning the ninth chevron. She hadn't seen Dr. Rush this happy in a long time; she didn't have to see his eyes to know that they were shining with happiness. He had put so much time and work into trying to solve the equation. Finally, it seemed that maybe they would be able to dial out, and see what the ninth address held.
"Let's go."
She heard him say, before they both stepped out. The three of them were dressed in their finest, as she stepped up to the house behind Dr. Rush. She was surprised when she saw the pajama clad young man; she had suspected maybe a scientist to solve this puzzle. Although, she had told everyone to not be surprised if some average Joe managed to solve what everyone had been beating their brains over.
"Who are you?"
"Dr. Nicholas Rush."
"Hello I'm Lily Dalhberg, Dr. Rush's Assistant."
"May we come in?"
"Why?"
"You spent a great deal of time recently playing an online fantasy game called Prometheus."
"Big Brother's got nothing better to do?"
"Last night, you solved the Dakara weapons puzzle."
"Yeah. A month of my life went into that! D'you know what happens when you solve that thing? Nothing!"
"We're here. That happened."
She could tell that this guy was a bit uncomfortable with three official looking people suddenly showing up on his doorstep. She was about to further explain, in a more non-invasive way, why they were suddenly here. Before she heard him start to chuckle, and point at herself then Dr. Rush.
"See, we're here because we need your he-"
"Ohh, Assistant. I got you. You mean you're his wife, right? I mean, he's got a band but…you don't."
She was about to interject that what her relationship was to anyone didn't matter, before she was cut off again.
"Girlfriend then."
This guy was either trying to figure herself and Dr. Rush out, or he was trying to find out if she was indeed, involved with Dr. Rush or not. For his own benefit. Again, neither herself nor Dr. Rush said a word. She heard a nervous chuckle, before the guy sheepishly asked something that absolutely mortified her.
"…Mistress?"
Her cheeks became hot with red before the word was even out of the guy's mouth. She gave the guy a look, before Dr. Rush cleared his throat. Obviously, he was trying to get the guy's attention off his hormones and back to the task at hand.
"I remembered you came and explained yourself, and I kept apologizing. I still am sorry about that, you know. Hey, are you okay? You look like you're about to cry."
She sniffles, shaking her head, even though a few tears were rolling down her cheeks. She felt his hand on her back, rubbing, and the sincere frown on his face.
"Lily, seriously, I'm sorry-"
"It's not that Eli. Just, was it that obvious? I mean, did I look like a…whore, next to him?"
"What? No. No! Of course not. I was just trying to figure out your relationship with him. Your body language suggested you were involved."
"I-I didn't realize you noticed things like that. But why?"
"Because you're a beautiful, young woman."
Nods her head, chuckling a bit, but still sniffling; the tears wouldn't stop. She bit her lip a moment, face scrunching up a bit as he mentioned more memories that have happened since coming aboard the Destiny.
"When…we all thought we were going to crash into that one sun planet. That's when I realized you had something for Dr. Rush. I had suspected. But, when you had asked me to film that kino footage, the things you had said. The emotion it captured."
She felt her heart racing, she felt the bile rising in her throat. She also felt that she couldn't catch her breath, even though she was running. She had just gotten into a huge argument with Rush; one that she was seriously regretting, but felt as if she was right. Why couldn't he understand? She didn't care if he thought she should be one of the people to go to the planet, he had no right to make that decision for her. She didn't want to leave him behind, yet, he was forcing her to. Why couldn't her theory be accurate? Why couldn't the Destiny just use some kind of solar panel to soak up energy it needed from that sun planet? The same one that was causing this whole mess in the first place. She pants by the time she reaches the kino room, seeing Eli sitting there, looking at a few of them. She had heard about other members of the ship coming by, to tape their final goodbyes on kinos. Just in case someone managed to stumble upon them, once Destiny actually crashes with the planet. She saw Eli look up at her, almost as if he was surprised to see her.
"I'd…like to record something. If you can help me, please."
He didn't ask questions about the state she was in, or who the message was for. He stood up, activated some buttons on the panel, and she watched the kino hover in front of her. When he silently pointed at her, she knew it was time to record.
"Hello. My full name is Lillith Marie Dalhberg. I'm about 7 or 8 months shy of my 25th birthday. I'm a Scorpio…"
She sighs, ignoring the surprised look on Eli's face; she had never given her actual full name to anyone before. So he was probably surprised her actual name was Lillith, and not Lily. She also decided to cut pass the general information ordeal, and get to the point.
"As I speak, we are in a dire situation. Our ship, the Destiny, is heading towards a sun planet. There is no way to reconfigure the navigation, or to plug in an alternate course. We have been unsuccessful in obtaining the main systems, and we cannot break any of the codes that the Ancients have programmed into all the computers. It is a pre-determined route, even if that means once the Destiny makes impact, it will be fatal. Myself, along with a pre-determined number of scientists, military and civilians, are being spared. We will be taking a smaller ship to a planet that is just outside this system. There, we will try to survive. If anyone finds this, I want the brave individuals who consisted of this crew, to be remembered. For their courageous efforts to the discovery of mysteries of this vast universe, and for their time and dedication spent on the many experiments and tasks that they had performed. To name a few people off the top of my head: Tamara Johansen, Adam Brody, Colonel Everett Young…"
She swallowed, as her throat suddenly got tight. His name was on the tip of her tongue; and yet, she couldn't say it. Her lip quivered, as she gave a look to the camera. She saw Eli even falter, at the defeated sadness and failure that read across her face. Then she cried out, and faltered; she started to breakdown.
"What the hell am I saying? I'm being saved even when I don't want to be saved. I meant what I said, there are many men and women who need to be remembered for their duties and efforts spent with not only the Stargate Program, Icarus, and the Destiny Expedition. But the one man who I feel needs to be remembered the most, is the man I'm being forced to leave behind. Whoever does find this, I want you to know everything I have kept bottled up inside of me since day one. Dr. Nicholas Rush is a dear friend of mine. He is probably the one person who has made me who I am today. If I had not honestly, by the grace of whoever, cleaned up and made my way to California. I'd probably be six feet underground, in a casket, dead. This same man, opened my eyes to the possibilities that await us beyond Earth. He's so intelligent and hand working; he devoted a lot of time and effort into this expedition. He's decided to go down with Destiny…only because he thinks he has no one else to go home to. I know that's the way he feels. But he's wrong. I love this man. I always have. He's been so lost these past couple of years, and I've always been by his side, in case he needed me when he'd fall. What happened to his wife…"
She took a moment of silence there, to wipe at her eyes and recollect her thoughts.
"On her death bed, I made a promise to his dying wife. And since that day, I had a special purpose in life. I felt as if I had greater meaning to him. I know Rush acknowledges me, but not in the way I'd want him to. By being forced to leave Destiny, by accepting that he's chosen to die, it feels as if I've failed him. And my entire life, I've been considered a failure. At least, I don't feel very much like a winner. At least when I'm around Rush, helping him in whatever it is he needs my assistance with; it makes me feel like I'm doing something. It keeps me busy, constructively, since I'm so afraid I'll go back to being a crack addict. Rush saved me, and for what, to push me away again?"
After a while, she looked up and saw Eli's shocked face; she had expressed a lot of emotions she never thought she'd let on to Eli. She watched him go to turn the kino off, and she shook her head no. With the footage still taping, she changed her tone again. She decided she would tell Rush how she truly felt, and to do it now.
"Rush, I wish we would have had more time together, so you could get to know me more. Our relationship has always followed the lines of Professor/student. I went to you for advice, I went to you for help; I always went to you whenever I needed you. And you were always there. Okay, sometimes I wouldn't get my answers until after you were done working, but they would come. There's…more to me than the persistent "damsel in distress" side of me. I remember when your wife died, how much you had relied on me. And, I'm not sure if I ever even, showed that I was strong. Even if it was just a little nudge of it. I'm not sure if you feel I'm strong because I've overcome addiction twice. Maybe I'm not strong at all, maybe I'll be forever weak. But what you're doing to me now, it's killing me. I want you to know, that I've always admired and respected you. In my eyes, you could never do wrong. And even though I'm so upset that you've decided to die, instead of trying to survive, I cannot stay mad at you. I wanted to be there for you more; I feel like I've failed you, and that hurts. What hurts me the most, is that I'm letting a piece of myself die with you Rush, and that's my heart. I never told you before, but you're the only one who owns my heart. When you're around it either flutter or pounds, whenever I'd see you break down or hurt, my heart would stop. Whenever you'd be worried about something, my heart would be caught in my throat. The few, tender moments we have shared, my heart would feel whole again. I was hoping maybe I might have been the one to make your heart one again. Since I know you lost a very big piece of it when she died. You've lost yourself since then Rush. You were different when she was around. And I've been trying to help you, make you see that there is still life beyond her. She wanted you to live Rush, to be happy. I much rather suffer, if it meant you were happy. I'm just so sorry you won't allow me more time. That you have told Colonel Young to force me to leave, if I tried to stay. See, we're so together, you know what moves I'm going to make before I even make them. I just want you to know that as long as I live, I will never forget you. And even though I will continue to live, and roam my days as an empty husk, I will strive to make sure everyone I come in contact with, knows just how significant of a person you were. And always will be. I love you. I love you Nick, I love you!"
Finally, tears were pooling down her cheeks, and she shook her head to Eli, signifying to cut the kino off. Eli was frowning when he gave the kino to her, but watched her push it back into his hand. She shook her head, lip trembling some as she spoke.
"Before you know you guys are going to crash, make sure he sees that. Promise me Eli, okay? It's very important that he knows how I've felt, how I've always felt. Promise me!"
"I promise Lily."
"I was shocked, when you guys came back, and you told me to not show the kino to him. Why? I don't understand how you can love Rush, but…if it means that much to you…"
"It's complicated Eli. I figured with the crisis adverted, I should tell Rush face to face how I feel. Yet, I have yet to do that. I was seriously hoping he'd realize it to some degree on his own. He's pretty quick on finding out everything else."
She heard Eli chuckle, but she shook her head again, making him frown.
"I need you to promise me something else Eli. To not tell him what I'm about to tell you. It's…a very delicate situation. And I need time to plan out how I will tell him about this. Maybe then, I'll be ready to express how much I love him too. …I'm pregnant Eli, and it's definitely Rush's."
"…Oookay, how in the hell were you two able to make a baby, and not, you know?"
"It happened on the alien ship Eli. They subjected us to experiments while we were on board. They extracted his sperm for the sole purpose of impregnating me with his seed. For what purpose, I don't know. Maybe they were able to isolate separate genes and thought the baby would hold the information they seek, I don't know."
His eyes were wide and she saw the slight nervousness in them; now he probably had a new fear or concern with the aliens. It took him a moment to focus on her again, seeing him frown again.
"How far along are you?"
"8 ½ weeks, and I just confirmed it myself today."
"Well you got to tell Rush-"
"Eli, I just told you it's a very delicate topic. It's going to take some time to figure out how to tell him."
"Well it's going to come out in the open eventually. You'll start to show, and I don't think him finding out one day by suddenly seeing your pregnant belly, will be putting it delicately."
"I know. It's just that he had wanted kids with Gloria. Not me. I'm afraid he'll get angry or reject me, even though I hadn't wanted this. I mean, I did want this, but you know what I mean. I mean if he actually loved me back, and we had planned it. And made a baby the proper way. It's a miracle I'm able to even get pregnant, I was told I couldn't. I got raped when I was 18, when I was a student to Dr. Rush. I was told I couldn't get pregnant, so, this is just as shocking to me as it would be for him."
"You still got to tell him. He deserves to know."
"I know, just give me a little time Eli. Promise you won't tell him? Please, this really needs to come from me, and not anyone else on board."
He seemed to debate it, and she saw that he really wanted to say no. He felt that she needed to tell him right away, but he sighed, and shook his head.
"Okay, I promise."
She hugged him; she knew Eli would become like a brother to her. After a while, they parted and she waved goodbye to Eli, after telling him to be safe while they went off world. She tried to eat something, but failed at it, as she simply stirred the spoon in the bowl. It had been roughly 20 minutes since the others went off world, and she felt alone now. It wasn't until she heard the sound of someone running to the mess hall that she stood up alarmed. She saw Riley a moment later, yelling out to him.
"What's going on?"
"It's Rush!"
She didn't want for the rest, and took off running towards the interface room. She saw T.J. listening closely to his heart, and the heart monitor on the side beeping frantically. She felt her own heart straining to beat, hurrying to his free side.
"What's happening to him T.J.?"
"He's having a cardiac episode."
"Oh my God. Rush! You better not die on me, damn it! Come on, we need you. Come back, come back. Focus…focus on my voice…"
Her fingers smoothed through his hair, as she continued to breath the same command over and over in his ear. It was a far-fetched theory that it would work. She wasn't sure if he could hear anyone outside of his own subconscious, but she had to try. She knew cardiac episodes were bad; he's overworking his heart for one reason or another and could stress it to stop. Swallowing, that meant he was having a mild heart attack. Trying to calm him down, was her only solution, as T.J. helped professionally.
He had just figured out a significant clue to solving the equations required to unlock the main systems of Destiny. Something so simple, something that had been staring at him in the face. And now, he was suffering from excruciating pain. He heard Dr. Daniel Jackson asking if he was okay, as his hand clutched at his chest, grunting in pain. He felt himself sweating, and his body starting to shake and convulse. When he looked up, it seemed like the lights were blinding him, but she suddenly came into focus. Lily definitely had not been there that day; but he didn't suffer from this heart problem either that day. Nothing was playing out like it originally did. However, he watched her kneel in front of him, and felt her fingers smooth through his hair. After a moment, her free hand carefully took his away from his heart. He felt her hand take its place there for him, and she looked deeply into his eyes. Tears were streaming down her lovely face, and she was saying something, but she couldn't hear him. He almost started to panic at that; thinking blood flow had been altered so badly his brain was starting to be affected by it. Suddenly, he heard her voice all around him, almost echoing. It was calm, soft, and he felt himself become submerged by it.
"Focus…focus on my voice. Allow yourself to relax. Whatever it is that makes you scared, I'll help you through it. Don't be afraid. Relax…calm down…come back…come back Rush…"
Just as quick as the cardiac episode started, it quickly started to fade away. The pain suddenly stopped, and her voice was gone. When he looked up again, she was suddenly gone from the room as well. Blinking, he wondered if Dr. Jackson had been right. Was Lily really there, in his subconscious this whole time, just to make sure he remained safe? He stood up, shaking his head as Dr. Jackson tried to tell him to take a moment.
"No, we need to go to the hospital. My wife needs me."
She had excused herself, having to make a mad dash in order to get sick in a bucket. So many things were going on now, that she honestly didn't know which option was the best one. Eli, Greer, Matt and Chloe were trapped, and Rush could be the only person to save them. If Rush stays in the chair much longer, it could definitely kill him. The only choice would be to pull him out, however, that held risks too. Everyone was on edge and close to panic, and her hand shook as she saw the tissue she held in her hand. That was covered in blood, Rush's blood, from cleaning off his nose. The fact that she was pregnant, was not helping her nerves when they were already shot. She closed her eyes, wishing that Rush would be back soon; he always knew what to do.
The moment they had said he was coming to, she rushed in. She saw the nodes retract, the arm bindings allow him freedom. When his eyes opened, he looked so lost and confused. Once he got his bearing he surprisingly stood up, and tried to rush off. She went to go help his steady himself, until Colonel Young stepped forward. Immediately, Young was trying to get Rush to help the small group stuck on the planet. She understood that urgency, but Rush had been through a lot too. Being more concerned for Rush, she snapped some.
"Leave him be for just a damn minute!"
Young ignored her and continued on explaining the situation. She saw the defeated look on Rush's face, and how confused and tired he really was. He sat back down, clutching his head and shaking some. She heard the grunt, and she kneeled in front of him, speaking softly.
"Calm down. I don't need you going through another cardiac episode again."
He looked at her, and she felt it was the first time they actually sat, looking deeply into one another's eyes. His were tired and showed just how much he'd been through. Hers showed how upset she was with him, but also, how worried and concerned she was for him now. He sunk to the floor, and she immediately wrapped her arms around him, holding him to her. He allowed her to hold him, and she'd remain there as long as he needed her to be. Simply holding him.
"Rush, all this was worth risking your life for?"
"We'll see."
She stood in the doorway, as Colonel Young took his leave. Soon, Rush was left alone at his console, still sitting there. He looked to be deep in thought, but his eyes gave him away. It had been the first time, in a long time that they held so many emotions. Mainly, she saw the vulnerability in them again. The last time she had seen those eyes was the time she consoled him in the graveyard, after he had just buried his wife. She walked over slowly to him, a hand gently laying upon his back, to let him know she was here.
"You doing okay?"
"As best as I'll ever be, considering."
"Let me know next time, okay. You scared me half to death."
He nodded, and she left it at that. She couldn't be too angry or upset with him now; not after everything he went through. She knew he probably brought up a lot of memories with Gloria. She hoped maybe it was situations where he wasn't there or felt bad for not being with her. So he could erase those from memory, and remember just the good times. So he could slowly move on and accept that he had nothing to do with her death. She gave a soft smile, sighing to herself.
"So you just heard about my discovery?"
"I have. It's amazing, how simple yet complex that answer is."
"How so?"
"Well, it's just a number, 46. But like you said, it's a genetic code from an Ancient. We all know the typical number of chromosomes in a human cell is 46. Which means there are two pairs of 23 chromosomes apiece. One pair inherited from the egg of the biological mother, and the other from the sperm of the biological father. Imagine how amazing it is to program a ship, based off a single person's DNA structure. Because the different chromosomes are what help develop the different cells. Skin cells, brain cells, everything. It's like you said, their genetic code is probably much more complex than ours, but you'll still be able to figure it out. Even a human's DNA structure can consist of flaws. Half the amount of chromosome, ending with only 23 instead of 46. Abnormalities, repeating sequences, duplications."
He looked a bit shocked at the information she was providing, chuckling and shrugging.
"I loved Biology, what can I say? I could never route a DNA structure myself, but I listened to everything that was being said. I'm a science nerd, you know that."
She gave a gentle shove of his shoulder, smiling and leaving him to his work. As she walked away, it was amazing that inside of her now, the same very process was happening. Her egg and his sperm had combined, and were now splitting and combining, to form the genetic makeup and code of their baby. She sighs, hoping Rush would be happy about this, like she was.
He watched her go, smiling a bit to himself. Maybe Lily would become useful in unlocking Destiny after all. Having never known she knew that much about Biology. He chuckles to himself; about how ironic it was that she had been holding the answer all this time as well. The number 46 surrounded Lily just as much as it had surrounded him. It was surrounding him this whole time all because of her. It wasn't just coincidence that she had four injection wounds on her left arm, and six on the right. Nor that she was the 46th student to sign up on his class roster sheet, or had chosen to sit in seat 46. Was it coincidence that she had been the 46th person to have been signed to the Destiny expedition? Or that the date of her birthday consisted of the number four, and if you added the solitary numbers of 2 and 4, that they added up to 6?
Maybe she was a bigger portion of all this than he had originally thought. She was certainly proving that she wasn't just there, that she was in fact, helping when she could. He smiles to himself, as he activated the first sequence of codes to run through, as he thought back to that day. They all thought they were surely going to perish then. And yet, it was her idea that seemed so ridiculous at the time that proved to be accurate. He still couldn't figure out how she suddenly thought the Destiny had consisted of solar panels, or that the Destiny knew to stop at certain places for energy. And yet, Lily had, and she was right on the money with that accusation. He had been so proud too.
"How in the hell did you come up with that theory?"
"I don't know Rush. But why would the Destiny blindly go towards a planet, that would have killed anyone on board, unless it had a purpose to go there in the first place."
"The Destiny was sent out into the universes, without a crew-"
"But even you said it was a trial run. Before the Ancients would clearly use her for their own expedition purposes."
"Okay, let's say you're correct. If she has a purpose of going to this planet, for what purpose?"
"To collect more energy for herself."
"How would she be able to do that?"
"I don't know. Solar panels that absorb the solar energy from the planet and channel it into her energy systems-"
"There have been no discovery of any solar panels on her, anywhere. I've seen her blue prints on the console, Lily."
"Maybe they're hidden, so they can't be tampered with or damaged if she ran into any other races or problems."
He rubbed a hand along his face, sighing and shaking his head.
"This ship, will be colliding into this star in under two hours now. There is nothing we can do to stop this. You have already been instructed to leave and go with the team to the other planet. I suggest you go now."
"Why did you choose that for me? I want to stay-"
"That isn't an option. Your choice has already been decided for you."
"And I think it's cruel and unfair that you're going to treat me as if I'm a child. I can make my own decisions damn it!"
"Not this time, you can't!"
He frowns as he heard her run off, grunting to himself and rubbing his face. He knew he had hurt her, but this was for her own good. He couldn't watch another person he cared for die.
He looked from the observation deck, as the Destiny was just skirting the surface of the star, rather than rushing into it, like he had thought. He laughed to himself, in relief, as they weren't going to die. He even heard an enthusiastic "Yes" leave his mouth. After explaining the details to Eli and Chloe, he returned to his post on his console. After pulling up a few maps, he chuckled to himself. Lily had been right, about everything. Hidden under her wings, the Destiny did have solar panels that would recede back into their hiding place when they were finished being used. He saw Brody join him at the console, as he was still chuckling to himself.
"What's so funny?"
"Nothing, except the fact that Lily had been right all along. Before she left with the others, we had gotten into…a debate, as to what was going to happen. I argued with her that there was no other possible solution; that the Destiny would crash into the star, and we'd perish. She came up with the theory that the Destiny possibly had hidden solar panels that could absorb solar energy from a star or planet. And that the Destiny already knew her power was getting dangerously low, and she knew to stop to gather more energy. I explained to Lily that the Destiny was on a pre-determined route, and could not shift course, and that there was no evidence of any solar panels. As you can see, she does have solar panels, and she has stopped at this star to collect the solar energy from it. Energy has been restored to its halfway point, and she's continuing to pull energy from the star."
"Well, Dr. Rush, it seems you'll have to give Lily a gold star for today."
"Yes. I imagine I will, once they return to Destiny…"
He smiled to himself; he knew Lily would be one of those growing and promising students of his. And hiring her as his assistant was for the incredulous solutions and ideas she'd come up with. That time, she was correct, and he remembered her face when he did hug her. And explained to her she had been right about everything, and that she had been amazing, in coming up with that theory. He wondered, how much more she'd grow, and what other theories she'd help him discover. He also wondered how it was, that she had been there during that cardiac event. How had she managed to slip from that level of consciousness, and managed to assist him through his subconscious? He debated to go find her, and discuss everything further. Sighing though, he activated a few more buttons, and sat at his post. He decided, it could wait for another day. They had plenty of time to discuss that further.
Author's Notes: I wanted this chapter to serve as a lot of flashbacks and memories. It just fleshes out more that has happened between Rush and Lily. And to also show that Lily isn't just there to say "I'm Rush's assistant." That she can actually come up with theories, and she does have some knowledge about certain elements. The next chapter will be a lot more exciting than this, trust me.
Song used in this chapter: "Outta Control" by Thousand Foot Krutch. Some of the lyrics will be used again in the next chapter. Look this song up if you haven't already; it's so very Dr. Rush.
