Drown your sorrows
I remember standing at the airport, desperate to get out of LA. I thought about going to Iris, but quickly changed my mind. She couldn't see me like this. She'd be trying to help me find peace. I was not ready to make peace with my wife's death, another person who carries my name succumbed to her fatal fate. So I went to Paris, where I always go to escape life in Beverly Hills.
I can't even begin to describe the next few months. I was completely out of it. I was drunk, high, whatever I could get my hands on -So there was no way I can recollect.
I abused every substance I could find, anything to forget the fact that my wife is buried somewhere in LA. After some time had passed, I had some brief moments of sobriety, not many, but as the months went by, the pain eased, (at least I prayed it did).
Then I realised Paris was not the right place for me. The most romantic city in the world and I thought I could come here to forget about my wife's death? Obviously not. Plus 'we'll always have Paris'? No... don't need to think about my connection to Paris with Kelly either.
By now I had been in Paris for 5 months and things weren't getting better. I saw Antonia in my dreams, I was suffering, I had to get out of here. But where would I go? I have no one.
London Town
Then I remembered one more added to the Paris equation. Brenda. I needed a friend and I needed one that was far, far away from Beverly Hills. So I went to London.
I hadn't planned for a relationship, I just needed someone. Brenda greeted me with open arms. I told her about everything, I'm glad I could still talk to her. She didn't try to cure me, she just supported me. She helped me sober up, and made sure I stayed in contact with Charlie whenever I felt the pressure to drink.
I had been crashing on Brenda's couch for 2 months, and I thought to myself, maybe this is where I should be. Brenda was always there for me. We loved each other once. I could move to London, we could make a life for ourselves. So that's what we did.
We started dating again. We took it slow, she didn't want to be some rebound and she wanted to help me grieve Antonia, so we didn't rush into anything. But we just enjoyed the flow of dating, enjoying each other's company and comfort, if I wanted to talk about Antonia, Brenda encouraged it.
I was getting better. I was sober. I was starting to smile again. Brenda made me happy. But I still had nightmares. I was still struggling. I never told her, that was my mistake. Brenda has done nothing but support me since I came here, and I lied to her, pretending everything was fine. Eventually the truth always comes out. She had told me that she had been in contact with Brandon and that he and Kelly are getting married. She wouldn't have mentioned that if I had told her the truth about how unstable I feel at the moment. That day I left the house, told her I was job hunting and spent the day in the pub getting trashed. Brenda found me that evening on the floor. She sobered me up, took me home and let me sleep it off.
The next morning I woke up, having no recollection of what happened until she told me. She then, told me I couldn't stay here. We weren't going to work. I didn't want to hear what she was saying but I knew she was right. I apologised over and over again but like she said, we aren't in high school anymore, we're adults, and you know Brenda does not like to be anyone's second choice. After my reaction to Brandon and Kelly's engagement, she knew it was better to say goodbye. Deep down I knew Brenda always had my back, and she would still be there if I needed a friend, but she couldn't push a relationship on me, knowing that I'm not all in. I still remember how much her words devasted me. "I can't allow you to force yourself into this, knowing you'll always be fantasizing about Kelly, the way I fantasize about you. It's time I let you go."
One step forward, 3 steps back
It was hard, but she was right. I was proud of Brenda for how strong she had become. I decided to visit LA. I knew this was the day of the wedding. I thought I could handle it. I was ready to come and face my friends. Support them.
But by the time I got there. I saw Kelly in a wedding gown. And that's when it hit me. She was about to marry someone else.
It was a lot easier to be happy for them when I had Antonia. But now, there was no Antonia. I was alone. It was much harder to watch now.
I never let them know I was there. I left. I couldn't even say hello.
Travel and learn
I decided to travel to places I had never been before. It was time I focused on healing myself. One of my last stops was Mexico, I learned a lot there. They had these tribes that had these rituals on the day of the dead. You lit candles in honour of the deceased. I finally got to grieve Antonia, in the right way. I got to make my peace.
I wouldn't say I was healed, I still needed a drink and a smoke every now and then. But I was trying, trying to put one foot in front of the other. Trying to let Antonia rest in peace.
Travelling the world was the best healer. I met all kinds of people, was introduced to all kinds of culture, and it helped. Watching how the world fights for the same life we do, was beautiful. But the wild meditterranean winds reminded me of certain winds back home, and a certain girl that always resurfaced in my head whenever I was sober.
Brave the storm
2 years had passed. I was finally ready to return home. I was excited and scared. But I knew seeing her face would make me feel better. I was ready to make something of myself again. No more foolish man-child behaviour. I was ready to be a man for Antonia. Now I needed to be a man for myself.
Give thanks
Thanksgiving, the perfect time to be in America. Walking up to the Walsh House all these years later... that felt particularly comforting now. To be home. To be around the only family I know.
I saw her. Kelly got better looking every day. It felt good to see her face. She was with someone, (Of course) but that didn't bother me, not anymore. I felt more assured of myself now. We keep winding back together. We keep finding each other. I know she was happy to see me, but she was also terrified of me being here. She could sense that I was assured of myself, she could feel our connection again and that scared her.
