House leaned on his cane, holding in his free hand a black dry erase marker. He stood beside the corresponding dry erase board, and his team sat at the table. "His tox-screen was a mess," Thirteen said. "It's the chemical explosion. But who knows what he could have inhaled!"
"So do you think the chemicals caused him to seize?"
"I think the chemicals are going to cause a lot more than that," House said. "Our little hero is unique. His body ticks differently than ours. The chemicals combined with his freaky mutation--that's what we're seeing here." He drew two stick-figures on the dry erase board. One had an odd smiley-face, the other had on something that resembled Spider-Man's mask. The drawing with the mask's body was portrayed differently, with muscles and odd little differences.
"So...how do we help him?" Taub asked, trying to make sense of the drawing.
"Is he sedated?" House asked.
"Uh...yes...?"
Kutner nodded.
"The only way we can figure out how his body is reacting to the chemicals is to figure out how is body works in general. I hope you remember disections from biology class."
"You have got to be kidding me. We can't do that! He's a person!"
"Plus his little redheaded body guard won't leave his side," Taub noted.
"He's not a person, he's a lying glory-hog of a freak."
"What?" Kutner said, surprised by House's outburst.
"Oh please, 'hero'? No sane person jumps into the line of fire. He's not selfless, he's an idiot for trying to fool these people. What he says he does makes no logical sense--"
"And it has no relevance to the case, House. Even so, we can't just take his DNA."
"He shoots webs from his wrists! Don't tell me you don't wanna know how that works."
Suddenly Dr. Wilson entered the office. He threw two odd-looking contraptions on the table. "His body doesn't produce the webs. He made these 'web shooters' himself. Spider-Man apparently has a scientific mind."
"He made these things?" House said, taking one off the table and trying it on. "A weird way for a guy to spend his free time..." After playing around with the adjustments, House pressed a sensor-button and a webline shot out and stuck to the wall. "Cool," he simply stated.
"House, enough playing around! Spider-Man could be really sick! He had a seizure, which calls for neurological abnormalities."
Dr. House nodded, taking off the web shooter and gathering both of them. "Check him for new symptoms. We can match them with some of the chemical toxins in his system to pinpoint which one his causing him to seize." He snatched his cane and headed down the hallway towards the Quarantine Wing. Dr. Wilson followed, and so did House's team. A minute later, Dr. Cuddy joined the mob as she tried to figure out what was going on.
House entered Spider-Man's room. The hero in the hospital bed moved his head to face them with great effort. The sedatives were obviously working. "Hey...where's the party?" Spider-Man said.
"Have you guys figured anything out?" the redhead asked.
"We think the chemicals are messing around with your neurological system," House said.
"You think? I don't want you guys to think you know what's wrong with me."
"You see, 'hero', your body is different than everyone else's. We need to know what makes you tick in order to see how the chemicals are screwing you over. We need to analyze your DNA."
"My what? No! I'm not handing you my DNA, buddy! I have the whole mask-thing going on for a reason!"
"And I have the whole cane-thing going on for a reason. You don't see me bitching about it."
"Whatever. Hey--can I get some pain killers? I have a really bad headache."
Thirteen rushed to his bedside. "How long have you had a headache?" she asked, checking his eyes and ears.
"Uh...five minutes? Why? Are the chemicals doing that?"
"I don't know," House said.
"Well...can you find out? I'm kinda freaking out here."
House smiled devilishly. "Do you know why I sedated you, Web Swinger? Because I had a feeling you weren't going to cooperate. SO either you help us help you...or I throw your little girlfriend out of here and force you to help us."
"Are you...are you threatening me?" Spider-Man asked, his tone changing dramatically.
House nodded. "What, you're not going to turn into a crazy, green monster who--oh, sorry. Wrong superhero."
Spider-Man thought for a moment, then said, "Are there any other tests you can do? Besides taking my DNA?"
Thirteen nodded. "We can run a few. We won't ask to do that unless it's our last option."
House grumbled. "Fine. When are we going to figure out what chemicals he inhaled are--"
"House," Cuddy said. "The...uh...can I have a word with you?" House nodded and stepped outside the room. Cuddy's voice was low. "House, the police are here."
"Why?"
"Why do you think? Word somehow got out that Spider-Man is in our hospital."
"We can't tell him," House said. "He'll go nuts and leave. He can't leave."
"I'll take care of the police, House. But you need to make him aware of it! Lying to Spider-Man--if he is arrested here--"
"Relax, Cuddy. Go stall the cops. Tell them he's not in any state to talk to them, but you'll keep them up to date."
Cuddy put her hands on her hips. "So we're lying to the police instead?"
House nodded. "Yep. Good luck with that!" and he re-entered the room.
A/N: I'd like to just note that the Marvel Universe is more closely related to Ultimate Spider-Man. Thanks for everything, you guys! I have so much planned for this baby! It is by far one of my favorite stories.
