FUNNY. All these YEARS, I wondered how it would END. And while I always ASSUMED I would die FIGHTING, I never imagined that it'd be genetically engineered WEASELS that got me. And in the middle of the CANADIAN wilderness, to BOOT. I HATE Canada.
Kraven sat with his back propped against a tree. There was a ring of fire burning all around him, which thus far had kept the beasts at bay. His left arm hung limply at his side, while his right clutched a long knife, already dripping with blood.
Arm feels like it's on FIRE. Not sure if that's better or worse than not being able to FEEL it at ALL. Those wolverines can smell the BLOOD. Not clear on the DETAILS of what's been DONE to them, or HOW, but they're bigger, MEANER and smarter than normal wolverines Hate to SAY it, but it looks like this is IT.
He grunted as he climbed to his feet, still using the tree as support. He had lost a fair amount of blood from the gash on his arm before he had managed to bandage it, and was consequently slightly faint and light headed. Once he reached a standing position, he leaned heavily against the tree, his acute hearing picking out the growling and snarling of the beasts over the crackling of the fire.
NO! I will NOT lie down and die for a BUNCH of animals. I don't care if they're the size of GRIZZLY bears. I am Kraven the GODDAMN Hunter! Come and GET me you worthless MONSTROSITIES.
As if answering his mental challenge, one of them leapt through the flames at him. Its hair ignited as it came, so that between its increased size, its snarling jaws, and the flames that wreathed it, it seemed like some demon out of hell. Kraven's good arm flashed out; catching it by the throat at the same time he drove the knife under its jaw. The impact slammed him back against the tree, and the beast's claws racked his arm, but it died quickly, and he flung it back through the flames. Though he couldn't see through them, the noises on the other side told him that the others had fallen to devouring their comrade.
That'll buy me a LITTLE time. If I'm REALLY lucky, they'll end up FIGHTING over the scraps, and kill a few of each other. Can't COUNT on that though. How did I get myself INTO this mess?
STOP! Flashback time!
"Seriously?" Asked Natasha as she got dressed. "You and Madrox never…?"
"No!" Said Kraven. "I don't know why everybody thinks that. Yes, he and I worked together for a long while before you and Machine Man were part of the team, but we were never- why is it that nobody seems to understand that two men can be comrades and work in close proximity without" Kraven dressed as he answered, and followed her out of his room. Madrox was just coming in.
"I KNEW IT!" He shouted, and turned to Machine Man as he followed them in, holding out his hand. A panel slid open in Machine Man's forearm, and he reached in with his other hand, producing a wallet. Grumbling under his metaphorical breath, he produced a twenty dollar bill and handed it to Madrox, before scowling at Kraven.
"Get some self-control, fleshbag. I was sure that you'd last for at least another week. And by the way, thanks for letting us know you brought in Poison. It would have been terribly unpolite to leave us on stakeout in the sewers the entire night."
"Oh stop whining," said Madrox, "At least you can switch off your sense of smell."
"Wait," said Natasha. "You've been betting on our love lives?"
"Well there's no horse tracks in the city, and they won't let me near the slot machines or card tables," said Machine Man, "Something about 'unfair advantages' and gambling is a low priority on the robotic rights movements' lists. So yes, pretty much, we're betting on your love life. Bye the way, fleshy leader, you have mail." He tossed a manila envelope down on the table. "As well as female."
"Machine Man," groaned Madrox. "We've been over this. Nobody actually finds puns funny."
"I do," said Machine Man, turning and leaving the room. Madrox rolled his eyes to the heavens, grabbed a bagel, and sat down at the kitchen table, picking up the envelope. "Hmm. Not from SHRADA. Who do you know in Canada, Kraven?"
He tossed the envelope to Kraven, who plucked it out of the air. "Only that man from that thing with the werewolves," he said. "You know, from the Canadian government. Yes. It is from him. Hmm. There have been some odd animal attacks, authorities are stumped- but they only want me. He's very specific on that."
"And that doesn't make you suspicious?" Asked Madrox.
"Don't be ridiculous. Of course it makes me suspicious. That's the only reason I'm going. If Canada thinks to trap Kraven the Hunter they will be quite surprised."
Only I don't think it WAS the Canadian government, much as I'm ALWAYS ready to assume the worst of them. The CANADIAN government isn't competent enough to set something like this UP. Let's REVIEW. I took a plane up to CANADA. First CLASS. DAMN, but I love those little bowls of hot PEANUTS. What's WRONG with me? I'm surrounded by genetically engineered WOLVERINES, and I'm thinking about the SERVICE in first class. WHY would I do that? Why am I flashing BACK anyway? Is my SUBCONCIOUS trying to tell me something? When I GOT here, I had to take a CHOPPER to the town where the ATTACKS happened.
"Definitely some type of animal," Kraven said, examining a dead human body, which had been clawed fairly badly. "Not immediately identifiable as anything I'm familiar with. Looks sort of like a wolverine attack on a human- which aren't terribly frequent- should look, but I've never seen a wolverine with claws this large. The patterns of the teeth are also right for a wolverine, but also larger than anything I've seen." He turned to his liaison from the Canadian government. "But I assume, if Canada has any medical examiners worth more than a scorched femur, you already knew that. So, based on the eyewitness accounts of a pack of things that look like wolverines, but bigger, the blurry security camera footage of something that looked like a wolverine, but bigger and the twenty corpses with wounds consist with an amazingly large wolverine, I think it's a safe conjecture at this point that you're dealing with giant wolverines. Which hunt in packs and attack towns. Which is odd. I'm going to try and find one."
The trail had gone COLD since the attack on the TOWN, and a normal hunter would no doubt have been BAFFLED. But not ME. Not KRAVEN. For three WEEKS I tracked them by their SPORE and the occasional dead MOOSE carcass. Finally I came UPON them as they were FEEDING.
Kraven
had masked his scent with a certain combination of herbs and
meditation, he rarely used, because it was too time consuming and
expensive. Currently he was mostly covered by snow, the only
exception being his head and arms and hands, the latter holding a
crossbow. The pack of wolverines was feeding on a bull moose. He had
been right; they were much larger than normal, and exhibiting a
complex social system. He had noted the- for lack of a better term-
alpha male, and was now prepared to make his move. He fired once,
catching the alpha male in the throat, and bowling it over. That was
when he realized they were much, much smarter than normal wolverines
as well. They spread out, cautiously circling the area where the
bolt had come from. Kraven swore mentally as the circle began
closing. He dropped the crossbow as he stood up, drawing a machete,
and chopping at the first beast to leap at him. Another hit him full
in the chest, its claws sinking into his arm and chest. He dropped
the machete as his arm went limp, and drew a knife with the other,
stabbing the beast repeatedly, and then throwing the body hard enough
to bowl another two over.
He leapt through the opening in the circle thus caused, and for several hours he ran, the wolverines hot on his heel, until finally their rage subsided.
I don't LIKE to run away from a fight, but I'm not STUPID. I needed time to lick my WOUNDS. Once their BLOODLUST ended, they slowed down and I had time to build this FIRE. So far, it's kept them from RUSHING me. That won't last FOREVER though. Have to think of SOMETHING. Wait, the TREE!
The tree was old, and dead, and dry, but very, very large. Kraven had no true axe, but made due with a small hatchet. It was the work of several hours to prepare it, and then he grabbed a branch from the fire. Touching it to the top of the tree in several places, we waited until it was blazing steadily, then struck it with his shoulder. It toppled quickly, striking several of the wolverines, and he leapt atop it. They were milling about in confusion as he ran though the flames, drawing his hatchet and throwing it. He struck on of the creatures in the skull, and was surprised to see something metal glinting as it fell dead. He had no time to stop to examine it, however, having reached the end of the tree. He leapt, landing outside the circle of the wolverines. They began circling again immediately, and for the first time, he made a count. There were five of them left, one limping. He bared his teeth. This, he could do.
The next few minutes were a blur of violence, stabbing and clawing and biting. Finally, only Kraven stood, the bodies of the animals littered around him. He nearly collapsed, but caught himself, and staggered over to retrieve his hatchet. He glimpsed the metal again, and picked up the dead animal. Not being able to determine what it is, he used his knife to widen the hole in the skull, finally extracting a small device, which resembled a microchip, which had been attached to the brain. He grunted, and pocketed it, and glanced up at the sky for a moment, trying to determine where he was in relation to the town. Before he could make the mental calculations, though, he heard applause behind him. He whirled around, seeing a man dressed in red spandex with a full face mask.
"Hey! Way to go!" He said in a distinctive voice, like gasoline poured over gravel. "I've always wanted to light a tree on fire and drop it on a bunch of genetically engineered and mind controlled wolverines!" He paused for a moment. "Okay, no, I just lied to you just there. I hadn't actually ever thought of doing that before. But it was awesome!"
DEADPOOL. Expert with GUNS and martial arts, a bad ATTITUDE, and an INCREDIBLE healing factor, courtesy of those illegal experiments CANADA did in the EIGHTIES. I HATE Canada. We've met TWICE before. The FIRST time, he left me tied to the top of a FLAGPOLE. The SECOND time I injected him with a hallucinogenic SNAKE venom before we fought, and left him pinned to a WALL with his own SWORDS. Looks like his HEALING factor's all it's CRACKED up to be. SHAME.
"Well, TTFN," said Deadpool, "Just wanted to let you know- keep up the good work! Damn. A flaming tree! Wow!" He shook his head, and then reached for his belt, suddenly vanishing. Kraven sighed. He wasn't looking forward to explaining this to the Canadian government.
