To the reviewer Amy: you're a sweetheart. Your support means so much to me; thankyou.


It was a month later that Dougie came across Thinspo.

It had began on Tumblr; he had typed 'bulimia' into the search bar, and five minutes later he was hooked on this new tag, this tag called 'Thinspo'. Pictures, quotes, daily intakes, stories, inspiration- 'thinspiration', actually- and it was never ending.

By the next day, he had an account on an Eating Disorder site. Same thing, just... bigger. He stayed up all night, adding friends, sharing stories, learning facts. Went back to Tumblr's thinspo for a few hours, created a Thinspo account, and suddenly had followers, followers like him.

And then he came across her account.

She was nothing spectacular- just another 14 year old girl with an Eating Disorder. She herself didn't quite know what it was; but she didn't eat unless she was forced, in which case she would purge it.

Just like Dougie.

He wasted hours on her page, scrolling through everything she'd ever posted, questions she'd answered, pictures she'd reblogged. He read her story, her goal weights, her secrets and her fears. She was just trying to be perfect, for herself, for her friends and family and everyone and anyone who looked at her and Dougie sat there reading it and whispered,

"I know."

And he was addicted.


Dougie went from interviews to gigs to his laptop, always the same sites, same routines. Everything was routine to him now, he liked it that way. Tom, Harry and Danny were a bit worried about him- not much, he was a good actor, he had to be, but Fletch had convinced them he was just going through a phase. So they let him be, offered their 'support and understanding' every once in a while, and this made Dougie laugh in his head because if he told them he was bulimic, they'd run far away.


From Her, he'd learnt tips- want to purge but scared people will hear? Towel under the bathroom door, shower on. Need to binge? Colour and taste code it; eat something brightly coloured, orange doritos or blueberry blue, or something strong tasting, like chocolate cake or coke- when you purge, you know when the job's finished.

He incorporated these habits into his daily life, along with the obsession with coffee and green tea, apples and bananas. These, he could eat without feeling guilty.

He began fasting; the light feeling made him airy and happy, like no-one and nothing could ever touch him, drag him down. That included calories.

Calories invaded his dreams. His mind turned them into huge, ugly monsters, under his bed, in the shadows, waiting to pounce and make him dirty again. They crouched in his stomach when he was hungry, growling and rumbling, but he attacked them with milk- and- sugar- free coffee and they dissolved.

And he was happy again.

And then Danny met Georgia, and Dougie got jealous.