Chapter 6: The Creepers Walk Around And Rip Off Diary Of A Creeper By Staring At Creeptopolis A Lot And Reye Gets In A Most Improbable Fight

CREEPTOPOLIS

In front of Reye was a floating city. Above him were tall buildings, full of strange redstone devices and mysterious bits of furniture. On all sides were tastefully-built houses. And creepers... there were creepers everywhere. Creepers behind windows, creepers inside doors, a couple creepers selling strange things out on the creeper-filled streets...

"You want ALL THESE FUCKING CREEPERS to live in MY HOUSE?"

"No, just the military. And we'd dig more of your house, of course."

"You can't extend my house because it's MY HOUSE!"

An explosion is heard in the distance, over a background noise of furious sawing.

"Ah, that would be our special brand of TNT. You were saying?"

Reye gave up, devoting his mental effort to the biggest mystery of all: how creepers built the entire city with no arms.

They came across a skeleton, who immediately pointed his bow at Reye upon noticing them.

"You bastard! You guys can't just walk around here after destroying it!"

"It doesn't look too destroyed to me. Are you the one who opens doors for the creepers because you have arms?"

"Don't worry, Skelly. He's with us and he's pretty okay, except he has a shitty house that we live in now."

"My house isn't shitty!"

They came to a solid gold building. Reye's skeptical brainwaves rattled around a bit and gave up. There was no way this much gold could ever be mined normally, except magic. Or something. Maybe they got slimes to deliver all the gold, ever...

"Inside are my fellow creeper elders. They will stare at you and complain about humans. Your best bet is to do some unskilled labour for them to impress them."

They stepped inside. Six creepers stared down at Reye, each one a different colour of autumn. Creepers died when all their leaves fell off, and Reye knew that these ones didn't have much time left.

"Youuuu! You are a human!" said the Reddish Elder.

"Huuumans are baaad!" rustled the Yellowy-Brown Elder.

"Huuuumans destroyed our cityyyy!" crackled the Red Elder.

"Youuu must pay in blooooood!" snapped the Orangey-Yellow Elder.

"snap" went the Brown Elder. Its body, now devoid of leaves, toppled to the ground.

"Noooooooo!" cried the Elders. "You killed him! You're bad luck and ugly and your house is shitty!"

"My house isn't shitty!" yelled Reye. "Besides, re-planting him shouldn't be too hard."

"Wait, you can do that? And to think we were going to make you carve us some chairs..." said the Off-Purple Elder. "If you can revive him, we will stop laughing at your shitty house!"

"My house isn't shitty!"

Reye grabbed the twisted, branchy corpse of the Brown Elder. He took it outside, and stuck it into the ground. Almost immediately, a vine snaked out of the roots.

"There, he's growing into... something. Anyway, he's alive."

"Okay! We'll get you a bed or something and you can sleep here."

RICK'S ADVENTURE BASE

"Hey, there's a floating city right there!" said Rick.

"Holy shit, I never noticed that before!" said Aaron.

Rick and Aaron loaded up their adventure gear and walked over to the city.

CREEPTOPOLIS

"Sound the alarm! It's those assholes who destroyed our city!"

A squadron of creepers located in the city's highest tower started shaking awkwardly, making a soft rustling noise.

"The alarm isn't loud enough! Sound the Ultra Alarm!"

"But it could destroy the city!"

"Just do it!"

The creepers kicked a small pile of pebbles into the street below, which they hit with a clattering noise.

"EVEN THE ULTRA ALARM ISN'T LOUD ENOUGH! SOUND THE MEGA SUPER-DUPER ULTIMATE HIGH-VOLTAGE MASTER ALARM 5000!"

The creepers all stepped on different buttons.

The tower popped open, revealing an enormous set of loudspeakers. A microphone dropped in front of the creepers, who started rustling again.

The entire city shook with the heavily amplified rustling.

"Rick, you dumb shit! You destroyed their city!"

"They explode at us, of course their city needs destroying!"

"They don't explode if you have diamonds!"

"How come they exploded in the hole when you were carrying all your diamonds, then?"

Reye stared at the ground for a bit.

"I WILL FIGHT YOU TO THE DEATH FOR NO ADEQUATELY EXPLAINED REASON, INSTEAD OF WORKING THINGS OUT REASONABLY!" screamed Rick.

Reye put on his extra-heavy iron plate armour. "THEN I'LL KILL YOU BECAUSE FUCK YOU!"

Rick charged first, waving his sword repeatedly. Reye responded with an action-packed sword-waving defense. The air filled with clanging and grunting.

Reye received a massive cut along his chest. His heart fell out, along with other less popular organs. Fortunately, Minecraft players start out with 10 hearts, so he kept going without even slowing down.

Rick's arm was cut off. He kept swinging wildly with his sword.

Reye was almost stabbed, but managed to levitate out of the way.

"You can't fucking levitate in 50-pound armour!" screamed Rick.

"Talk to the hand! Oh wait, you can't because IT'S LEVITATING!"

Reye dropped his sword. Fortunately, it chopped right through Rick's face, neck and torso before hitting the ground.

"Wow. I didn't know the blunt side could do that."

The laws of physics finally noticed Reye, who fell to the ground and broke both of his legs again.

"FUCK WHY DO I KEEP BREAKING LIKE THIS-"

Reye passed out, was caught by a creeper, and was given medical care. (This involved creepers stuffing ham into his chest to replace his organs and then lying.)

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Oh, I love this fight scene. In the original, he does a BACKFLIP (with a giant gash on his chest, no less) in SOLID IRON ARMOUR. In this one, because a backflip wasn't already ridiculous, he just levitates. Oh, and the amount of pain tolerance they show was also in the original – giant bleeding wound? It doesn't even hurt! Oh, and Rick is the only sane man in the original. Unfortunately, the plot warps around Reye, so he had no chance.