Now you, wait for, something, to cure this,
Well I'm here, under your downpour.
It's not your fault so please stop your crying now,
It's not your fault so please stop your crying,
It's not your fault - A New Found Glory
I am silent when I hear what Eric said. All thoughts leave my head for several seconds. In that time, he turns and faces away from me like he is ashamed. I finally am able to process just what he has said.
"That makes it my fault Bill attacked you in the car."
Eric is blaming himself.
Eric says it's his fault Bill attacked me in the car.
He thinks he's to blame and I have no idea why. As a matter of fact, I think I am getting further and further away from 4 when being asked what's 2 + 2.
"Why would it be your fault," I finally ask him. "I don't... I don't understand."
Eric has no response that I could see. It's like I never even said anything. It's almost like he's lost somewhere inside his own head. I look to Pam, who has an expression on her face that I had never seen before. At least on her.
She was in pain. But I somehow knew it wasn't her pain causing the look on her face. It was Eric's.
And I still wasn't quite sure what was causing his pain.
Since Eric was pretty unresponsive, I set my sights on Pam. I simply called her name to bring her focus to me. Reluctantly and slowly she turns to me. She looks to Eric one more time before bringing her eyes back to me saying, "You would have smelled like Eric in the car trunk."
I just look at her. "Haven't we covered this already?"
She sighs and looking back to Eric says, "I am sure you must usually be more perceptive than this." She pauses. "Vampires can smell and sense it when other vampires have given a human their blood." She stops and looks back to me. "Or has almost had sex," she adds accusingly.
Now I'm getting a clearer picture. I can't help but stumble back as what Pam is saying, what Eric was saying, hits me.
"Bill would have been able to smell Eric on you even as hurt has he was. As a matter of fact, we use our senses more when injured. Self- preservation and all."
I feel myself growing paler as Pam talks. I start to see black around the edges of my vision as she continues, "As Bill considered you his, you can imagine how he would have felt smelling Eric all over you." She says this very gently, her eyes darting between Eric and I.
I can. He would have hated it. He would have done everything he could to get Eric's scent off me and get his back on. Especially when injured. Especially when already acting on preservation instincts.
I hear my breathing become more frantic before I feel it. The blackness that was surrounding my vision is now taking it over. I hear Eric mutter, "Fuck," a split second I sense him at my side and feel his hand gentle on my shoulder like he's afraid to touch me.
"Breathe, Sookie," he says and I can hear the worry in his voice. My legs start to go numb and I start to sink to the floor as his arms gently catch and support me. "Damn it, Sookie I need to you breathe."
I try. I really do. But I can tell its not enough even before I hear Pam ask if she should call Ludwig. I can feel Eric shake his head as he says, "Give her a minute," right before he starts to sing in the same language he used while I was still in the trunk. The singing gives me something to focus on. Eric's arms around me, supporting me, give me something physical to feel. The combination of the two manages to bring me back to myself.
I am astonished, as once again Eric seems to know how to help me.
When my legs can support me, Eric quickly moves to the other side of the kitchen once again. I try to think through what Pam had explained. What had gotten Eric all upset.
Bill may have done what he did because I smelled like another vampire. That could have all been the first thing he noticed when he woke up. He did what he had to do to get that foreign scent off of me.
Just how conscious of his actions would he have to be to do so?
Would Bill really hurt me like he did simply for this reason? I can't think about this anymore. I bring my attention to Eric who is staring out of the window into the night sky. I notice the look on his face though. He's not seeing the night sky full of stars at the moment.
Pam is next to him talking softly to him, trying to get him to respond. He isn't showing any signs that he is hearing her though. "Eric," I try. "It's not your,"
"Don't Sookie," he says stopping me from finishing my sentence. At least I get a response.
I take a few steps toward him and Pam takes a few back. I look at her. She must be willing to let me try to talk to him since I at least have gotten some sort of response. "It's true though. Don't blame yourself."
He quickly turns startling me and I think even Pam. "I know how vampires are Sookie. I involved you in a plan that left you with a hurt, hungry vampire. I should have thought about you carrying my scent with my blood in you. After we almost," but he stops himself from completing that sentence as his voice was getting louder and louder and I wasn't handling it well.
"I should have anticipated Bill having a bad reaction to everything. Even if you had not been locked in that fucking trunk with him," he says a lot more quietly.
"You can't know everything, Eric," I tell him, back to getting no response. I look to Pam for support. She had backed herself into the doorway and was simply observing us. Fine, if she wasn't going to try to talk some sense into her maker, I guess it was up to me.
"Eric, you are not to blame for what happened. The only person who deserves the blame is Bill."
"The why won't you let me punish him? If you truly believe he's at fault, why won't you let me touch him," he screams at me. I take a step back, my breathing picking up with his yelling again. He takes a minute before saying in a much more controlled voice, "It's the only thing I can do for you."
What? Eric thinks the only thing he can do to help me is to torture Bill? What the hell does he think he's been doing in the past 24 hours? If it weren't for him, I'd probably still be curled up in the fetal position in the trunk. Or worse.
"You have done far more for me than what hurting Bill would accomplish. I don't even what to think what would have happened if you weren't there. If you just ignored what you felt from me and just went home. You came up with a plan to get me out of the trunk when you called Pam. You got me to see a doctor. Eric, you have done so much for me," I say stepping towards him, stopping right next too him.
"Not nearly enough."
I can tell we are just going to go back and forth. I doubt Eric is even listening to me at this point. He's just got it in his head that this is his fault. I swallow as I think of how I could get Eric to focus on what I am saying. "You're right," I tell him looking straight into his eyes. "You're absolutely right."
I see Pam take a step towards me and I would be understating her look if I describe it as cold. She stops her step though as I grab onto Eric's arm and say, "What you have done for me in the past 24 hours is so much more than simply enough. I don't even want to think what would have happened to me if you didn't come when you felt me terrified and hurt. If you didn't keep me calm and pull me from the edge when the panic overtook me."
"If it weren't for me, you may not have needed any of that."
"It's not your fault Eric. The only vampire to blame is Bill."
"If you truly believed that, why won't you let him be punished? Even your human laws punish people guilty of these crimes."
"Punish, Eric. Punish, not torture." That seems to get his attention.
"It is the torture you object to," he states more than asks.
I nod. "You want to torture him not for what he did, but because it was done to me."
"So you would allow a punishment for him."
Again I nod. "Although I highly doubt your system works like mine. I doubt Bill would be found guilty of any crime by your court for his actions," I say hoping that my assumption was wrong. I probably couldn't logically explain my feelings to Eric. Hell, I wasn't even sure I understood them. Did I wish there was a way Bill could be punished for his actions – absolutely. It was the idea of torture that got to me. That's what I couldn't get to be ok in my head.
He shakes his head. "He would not be found guilty. Especially since you two were involved at the time." That's what I figured. "However, as his Sheriff it would be well within my rights to enforce a punishment against him."
I look up at Eric who is watching me very carefully as if he is trying to gauge my reaction. "What would this punishment entail," I ask him.
"I have holding cells for cases that warrant punishment but would be deemed too miniscule for our court systems. The bars are silver so he cannot get out but as long as he does not touch them he will not be harmed. I can keep him there."
I contemplated that. It would simply be like he is in prison. He deserved that. Bartlett had deserved that. Maybe one of them could get that. "You would do that," I asked Eric. "You would hold him accountable for what he did?"
I said the words before I had even processed what I was going to say. No one had ever been held accountable for what they had done to me. Not Bartlett. Not the children or adults who thought I was evil or something because of my telepathy. Gran had cared but not even she had.
Eric was willing do just that. He would do more if I let him.
He nods to my asked question and says, "I would hold him until the end of the world for what he did."
"I don't know if it needs to be quite that long," I tell him.
"I wish it could be longer." I'm not quite sure what to say to that. He then simply says, "Pam," who takes out her phone upon hearing her name.
"Even better," she says, her voice dripping with sarcasm. "Now you're dangling a play toy in front of me and not letting me play."
"Self control, Pam," Eric tells her and I am happy to hear a bit of humor in his voice. "Perhaps this is a lesson that can translate into my credit cards."
"It's a good thing you don't need to breathe," she says drily. "You'd be holding your breath for quite a while waiting for that," she added walking out of the kitchen.
"She is calling Alcide," Eric explains. "She will tell him about the new arrangements with Bill."
Eric's phone rings and he looks at the caller id. A look of impatience crosses his face before he says, "Unfortunately, I need to take this. Why don't you finish making your dinner?" I open my mouth to let him know I don't appreciate being told what to do, but he says, "You promised," before I can get it out.
He's got me there. I did promise him I would eat something. I start to heat up the food Eric got me again, the thoughts of what happened tonight racing through my head. With everything that had happened by brain is moving a mile a minute.
I am just finishing up when Eric reappears not looking happy. "Everything ok," I ask him. He says yes and wipes the look off his face and says, "I can take you home now if you would like."
"Does that mean you have figure out the Were situation," I ask him excitedly. That would be one less thing I have to worry about."
"No. I am still not sure who is behind it. Alcide has his pack looking into it."
Oh. So then it's not safe for me to go back home yet. And I know I pitched a childish fit last night but I had thought it was decided I could stay here until it was safe. Now he wanted me to leave, even though there were werewolves after me?
I know my face must have been filled with confusion, and possibly even hurt, but I am startled when I see Eric's face filled with confusion. "Pam did not speak with you before she left did she?"
What? I shake my head and am further confused when Eric takes out his phone and dials. When someone picks up he says, "That is a week without my cards. Starting tonight," before hanging up.
He turns his focus back to me. "I had asked Pam to tell you I would take you back to your house to get some of your things if you would like. She was supposed to tell you before going to Fangtasia."
"Is it ok if I stay here then," I ask. "Until the werewolf thing is figured out?"
"You are welcome to stay here as long as you need too, Sookie."
I smile at that and get one in return. "It's safe enough to go to my house so I could get a few things?"
"I will not let anything happen to you, Sookie." I find a great comfort in that.
Ten minutes later we are in his car just entering Bon Temps. The house we are staying at is a lot closer than Shreveport. With all these turns however, I am not sure I would be able to find my way back.
The car ride has been quiet so far. The radio isn't even on. It doesn't stay quiet though as Eric asks, "Who hurt you, Sookie?"
A cold chill runs up my spine. I am not exactly sure how but Eric seems to be aware of the abuse by Bartlett in my past. I know Bill never would have told him.
"Please not now, Eric." I don't want to melt down again. My emotions are still all over.
He doesn't say anything right away and for a second I think he's letting in drop. Then he says, "It may help with what happened if you talk about it."
I shake my head. "Sookie," he tries again but I say, "No Eric. What happened in the past is exactly that. It's the past. I dealt with it. I've moved on. Bringing it back up again won't help." I had gotten over what Bartlett had done years ago. It has nothing to do with what Bill did in the trunk.
Eric looks like he's about to say something else so I turn on the radio quickly. This effectively cuts him off. It takes us about two more minutes after that before we make it to my long driveway, the holes of which do not bode well for Eric's low car. This does not escape Eric's attention as he slows down and says, "You should really get this repaired."
"Gee, I'm sorry Eric. I guess between paying for food, which we humans need pretty regularly and paying for my house so I am not homeless this fell by the wayside."
He's silent again after that. I on the other hand am the opposite of quiet once we pull up to the house.
Damn, I was hoping I was done crying for the night.
You people are still awesome – shouldn't be a surprise there. Thanks for taking the time to read this story and a thank-you to those taking the time to review. We got a little insight into how Sookie views what happened with Bartlett. She pretty much see it as done and over with. You can imagine how that will affect her later.
Lots of reviews I couldn't respond to this week because they weren't signed in:
Padore – Complete guilt sponges – both of them. And you nailed it with Sookie not being able to hide her feelings. She has difficulty with that on a normal day let alone after what happened. I hope you continue to love this story!
Arna – Thanks for reviewing. I certainly hope you continue to enjoy.
Guest – I know. I kinda feel bad for putting them through all this. There is a method to my madness, I hope at least.
Guest – I hope this chapter helped clear out where Sookie places blame. Though torturing Bill would be fun, I just can't see Sookie realistically being ok with torture – yet anyway.
Guest – Oh I really wish I could have responded to you during the week, I hope this chapter kind of cleared up what Sookie was thinking. She wasn't saying what happened was her fault or Bill shouldn't be punished. She didn't want him tortured just because his actions were against her, and Eric cares even if he won't admit it yet, and not another human.
Stephanie – Thanks for reviewing. Hope you continue to like.
