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Author's notes: This is it. This is the end of "We Named a Penalty After Her". I gave you warning in the first chapter, so I hope you won't find yourself disappointed. Although this is an end, remember that endings are but new beginnings. Be sure to check the notes at the bottom.

Remember how I said the Spalison love/hate friendship was rather important to this story and would be really focused on in the last chapter? Well, here you go. (I now wonder if I should have marked Alison as an important character for this story too...)

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Absently walking through the halls to class, I've got a lot on my mind. I'm a jumbled of thoughts and feelings as I try to sort out everything "A" and Alison related. There's an uneasiness that's settled over us all as we've come to the conclusion that Alison may in fact be "A". I don't want to accept this, but it seems to be the most logical answer. Alison is "A".

So what were we to her? Just playthings? She once said we were like sisters... Did she even mean that or did she just say that in order to keep me close to her? Maybe I truly was right when I told Emily something similar the night Alison asked to see her alone in that warehouse. Alison was just using Emily's feelings to her advantage. Perhaps she had been using mine...

Alison was the first person I could truly be angry with and fight with all my might, yet still know she'd be there for me. Was that all a lie? Did Alison ever care about me at all? About any of us?

I know I've said horrible things to her and about her, just as she had of me. I've doubted her and I've been furious with her, just as she had with me. There were times I even wanted to hate her, yet I could never fully commit to it. It's so messed up... but a part of me still cares about her. Even knowing that she has to be the one doing this to us, it hurts more than it angers me.

We all loved her. I loved her. How could she?

I don't want it to hurt this much. I'd rather be angry. I wish I could hate her. I need to hate her. All I can think of is a different time and place, back when we were younger. Seeing Ali's bright eyes and mischievous smile as she sat across from me on her bed with Trivial Pursuit laying between us, playing late into the night as neither one of us wanted the game to ever end. Both of us wanting to end up as the ultimate winner.

Was she still playing with me? Had she grown tired of simple boardgames and wanted to truly defeat me? The Ali back then looked so pleased as we sat alone chatting, playing silly games in our pajamas and trying to outsmart one another. It seems we were nothing more than children then, simply enjoying a bit of competition. When had it become... this?

When did the Ali I knew then turn into the Alison of now? Had she always been this and I simply didn't see it? How could I have not seen it?

I want to hate her. How do I hate her?!

Tightening my grip on my messenger bag, I grit my teeth and try to get my emotions under control. I'm at school, I have to act like everything is fine. All these thoughts are overwhelming and it's getting harder and harder to even care about school anymore. When was it that I, Spencer Hastings, came to care so little about my education? It just seems so trivial in comparison to everything else now...

That's when I hear a clatter and look over to see Emily's book on the ground as she stands next to her locker. Just as quickly, Paige swoops down and scoops it up, handing it to Emily. All I can really see is the back of Paige's head, but I can just imagine that grin of hers as she looks at my friend. A twinge of jealousy and regret fills me as I see them talking and Emily's smile.

My friend. I'm not mad with her nor would I ever hurt her. Emily deserves the world and then some. Emily's a good person. She's... my person. Perhaps I've been watching too much Grey's Anatomy...

Loving Emily as I do doesn't make it hurt any less when I see Paige move in and kiss her. It feels like there's a great pressure on my chest and I find myself trembling ever so slightly. Paige loves Emily too, though Paige is in love with her.

My feelings of bitterness intensify as the hurt becomes unbearable. There's no one here to be angry with except for myself. Her heart belongs to Emily. I'm simply someone she used to play field hockey with... I'm a could have been. A nearly was.

I can't look at them anymore.

Quickly turning my head, I catch sight of someone coming from the opposite end of the hallway. It's Alison. She saw the kiss too and I can feel my stomach churning at that look on her face. It looks like it could mirror what mine must look like.

Alison's expression suddenly shifts from hurt to bitter as she whips around and marches back down the hall the way she came. I feel sick. I must have seen that wrong. She's a liar and a manipulator. Alison has no heart.

Then, as clear as day, I remember the words The Mermaid written in Alison's handwriting. Look at my mermaid...

This has to be a joke. It's all some sick joke. The pain in Alison's eyes seems to be burned into my mind. It's a lie. It has to be a lie. Alison can't... That's just too cruel.

I hear my own voice in my head, questioning about Alison and Paige, "Well, what were they fighting about?"

"Emily," Cece had said it as if that answered everything. As if it was obvious.

The name continues to tumble around in my brain and I seem to have lost my breath. No, that can't be right. Alison has no heart. Alison is "A". She has to be "A".

I hear my voice once again asking, "What were they fighting about?"


"You should have seen the look on her face, it was priceless. Pigskin was as red as a lobster! She wouldn't even look at anyone, she was so embarrassed," Alison excitedly recounted.

"That's not funny, Ali," I argued.

It seemed that Nick McCullers had dropped by the school earlier that day. His daughter's grades were apparently not up to his standards and he decided to have a meeting with the principal about it, demanding that the school do whatever they needed to to ensure there was an improvement. Ali had been called down to the office to settle a bullying complaint from one of the newer kids who had no idea what they were in for now for 'tattle-tailing'. She could hear quite a bit of the conversation from her seat just outside the door. Mr McCullers seemed to think the school wasn't doing a good enough job teaching his daughter.

Alison reveled in the news, stating that perhaps McCullers was just stupid and her father didn't want to deal with a stupid kid, trying to make it the school's problem instead. Mr McCullers was known to be quite a hothead, something that was unfortunately passed down to his daughter, though at times he could actually become a little irrational. It had been one of those times apparently, and my teammate was stuck sitting there listening to him yell at our principal.

By the time the meeting was over, Mr McCullers practically stormed out of the room and his daughter hurried off to class with her head down. I can just imagine how awful it must have been. I've witnessed some of his shouting matches during a couple of our field hockey games, my teammate always trying to hide away so no one noticed her. Of all people, I thought Alison would maybe sympathize with McCullers. I've also seen the way Ali's mom could go off, though it was usually directed at Alison herself. She didn't talk about it, but I could see the way she flinched when her mother was particularly angry.

"Oh, lighten up!" she snapped at me, tossing a magazine from her perch on my red chair across the room to the end of my bed where I sat with my back against the headboard, "Don't tell me you've got a soft spot for that loser."

"I don't!" I quickly responded a little heatedly, fearful that she may see through me and take it out on McCullers.

Ali eyed me skeptically and pursed her lips the way she does when she thinks she's being lied to. I shrugged and continued with an irritated tone, "I just think it's not funny. Her dad kind of sounds like a jerk and I doubt it's any better at home. A lot of families are just really screwed up and I don't think you should laugh at something like that."

Tilting her head slightly, Ali's expression was almost teasing, "Like how you laugh at your own family?"

"That's different. I can say whatever I want about my family because they're my family," I countered.

Sitting up straighter, Ali looked me in the eye as if daring me, "Are we allowed to say things about each other's families? I mean, you and I are practically family as it is."

Not sure what brought this on, I actually thought on it for a few moments. Ali and I's families were similar in a lot of ways and we had become rather close friends, so was it that far of a reach? Maybe not... After a beat, I answered, "I don't know. I think I could handle it. I mean, I might get a little irritated, but I think I'd be okay with you saying things about my family to me."

"So, I just can't say anything about Pigskin's family then?" she taunted with a grin on her face.

Feeling that defensive heat rise up in me again, I shot out, "Why do you have to call her that? Why do you have to be such a bitch to people who don't even do anything to you?"

Glaring at me and leaning forward assertively, Ali angrily questioned, "How do you know they haven't done anything to me? What makes you so high and mighty as to label me the bitch and everyone else as poor victims?"

"Because I've never seen McCullers even do anything to you and all you do is talk bad about her!" I shouted in frustration.

Ali scoffed and rolled her eyes, her tone mocking, "Oh, that's rich. Pigskin's just too stupid to talk bad about people, she lets her hands and feet do all the talking for her."

Practically balling up the comforter beneath me in my hands, I tensed up as I demanded, "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

Smiling and shaking her head as if she can't even deal with me, her tone was cool as she said, "It means your precious McCullers is just as much a bitch as I am, you just don't wanna see it."

I think back and remember the bruises on Alison's back, remember her saying 'Pigskin' did it. That couldn't have McCullers... right? No, if it was, it was self defense... right? Alison was good at striking just the right nerve to set people off. If McCullers did that, Ali brought it on herself. Did that make it any better? Was I maybe being hypocritical?

No. I thought of McCullers' hand atop my head and her silly grin. McCullers wasn't cruel.

I remember how big and nasty that bruise looked though. Alison cut people down with words, but she's never physically harmed anyone.

Which was worse? How do you even decide? The McCullers I know and the McCullers Ali knows seem like two different people. It made my head and my heart hurt. I didn't want to accept it. McCullers only acts out when she's being threatened. The more I tried to rationalize it, the more agitated I became.

Unable to argue, but wanting this conversation to be over, I lowly urged, "Shut up, Ali."

Pushing herself up from the chair, she moved closer to me and continued seethingly, "Admit it, she's just as screwed up as we are."

That wording hit me harder than I had anticipated. I'm not sure which meaning had the most effect on me, the fact that Alison thinks that McCullers is screwed up, that she thinks I'm screwed up, that she thinks she herself is screwed up, or the fact that she just compared us all to one another, whether it was intentional or not. Ali thinks there's something wrong with us and that there's something wrong with McCullers, possibly whatever it is being the same thing. Did it have something to do with her interest in talking about families earlier or something else?

"Um," the timid voice broke up the tense air immediately. Ali and I both quickly turned our heads to the doorway to see Emily standing there nervously. She toyed with a paper bag in her hands which must have held pastries from the Brew as she looked back and forth between the two of us, then hesitantly asked, "Is everything okay?"

I looked back at Alison to try to gauge how to respond. Sometimes we'd pretend we weren't fighting for the sake of the other girls and I found it easier to just follow Alison's lead if she made up some excuse or joke off the top of her head. Other times, she was too angry to pretend and would leave, so I'd be stuck trying to sooth our worried friends who were asking what happened.

What I wasn't expecting was the flash of guilt on Ali's face when she saw Emily standing there. I had noticed that she would try to refrain from arguing with me too much in front of the other girls, particularly Emily. Emily was too kindhearted and would get so worried and upset that I tried to make sure we didn't argue in front of her at all if possible.

But it was just a flash, it was gone already as Alison looked at Emily with a smile that didn't quite reach her eyes. Her voice was light and cheery despite sounding so cold just moments ago, "Of course, Em. I was just telling Spence that my mom sent me a text and asked me to come home to help her sort through some things. Sorry, I have to bail, but I'll see you tomorrow, right?"

"Yeah, sure, of course. Um, I had gotten you an éclair..." Emily awkwardly trailed off as she looked down at the bag, surely filled with a special treat for all the girls who are supposed to be coming over soon.

"Ah, un de mes favoris!" Ali exclaimed and smiled more sincerely at Emily, "Could I take it to go?"

The smile that broke out on Emily's face made all my anger at Ali slip away to the back of my mind. When Emily smiled like that, everyone smiled with her. It simply warmed your heart and I was only slightly irritated that Ali was the one that put it there. I didn't want to fight in front of Emily, but a part of me wanted to bring this up again with Alison later. I wanted to think on it first so I'd be more prepared for the next argument. Perhaps after she gets back from visiting her grandmother in Georgia over the summer...


Suddenly, Emily is standing in front of me and it startles me so badly I hardly hear her say, "Spencer, are you okay?"

Paige is standing just behind her, also looking at me in worry. I look back at where Alison had been, only to realize she's no where in sight now.

"Spencer?" it's now Paige who's trying to reach me.

Shaking my head, I can't stand it any longer. I can't be here. This is all too much. It's just too damn ironic to even be funny. It's... I must be seeing this wrong. I have to be wrong. Alison is "A". She has to be. She never cared about Emily. She never cared about any of us.

Why can't I hate her?

"I," looking around frantically, I can't even formulate a proper excuse, "I have to go..."

Turning away to make a hasty escape, I nearly break into a run for the school's exit.

"Spencer, wait!" Emily calls after me, her concern growing.

"I have to go! I'll call you later, okay?" I shout out to try to sooth her as best as I can for now. Emily will probably be distressed all day waiting for me to, though I know offering will at least help to put her mind at ease a bit.

I don't know if she answered me or not, I'm too focused on getting to my car. Maybe just sitting in the parking lot for a little while will help to settle my nerves. I know I shouldn't drive just yet anyway, I'd probably end up in an accident.

Bursting through the school's doors, I practically skip down the steps while scanning the area for my car. Spotting it, I hurry towards it single-mindedly and throw the door open, hurling my messenger bag towards the back seat all in one swift motion. I proceed to then hop in the seat and slam the door closed behind me, gripping the steering wheel tightly. Resting my forehead against the backs of my hands, I take a few deep breaths as tears well up in my eyes.

I'm so sick of crying, I'm so sick of worrying, I'm so sick of everything! Gritting my teeth as frustration overwhelms me, I lean back with a fierce growl and repeatedly bash my open palms against the steering wheel, feeling like I just can't take anymore.

I need this nightmare to be over if I hope to retain even just a small shred of what's left of my sanity. I can't remember Ali my friend, she has to be Alison the sociopath. She has to be. I can't think about my feelings for Paige, she has to be just that McCullers girl I used to play field hockey with. She has to be. I can't... I can't do this.

Relaxing slightly, I lean forward to place my forehead against the backs of my hands again with a sigh. I need... resolve. If I am to get through this, I need to compartmentalize my feelings as much as possible. I need to think clearly. I need to be brave. I... can only rely on my Hastings wit. I need it.

Jumping at the sudden sound of my passenger door opening, I whip my head over to see Paige climbing into the seat and staring straight ahead, working her mouth as if trying to figure out what to say. Unable to speak myself, I simply stare at her and wonder what she's doing here.

Wiping her palms along the tops of her jean-covered thighs, Paige turns to look at me with a mix of emotions, most notably - concern and hesitance. Opening her mouth, she breaths in and searches my eyes with her own. I fear what she my see there. Her voice is soft, but firm when she decides to say, "I meant what I said, Spencer. I'm here for you. Whatever you need, I'm here for you."

The sincerity of her voice and the care in her eyes is too much, I have to look away. It doesn't add up with the Paige Alison knew, though Emily had caught a glimpse of that Paige before too. I remember how stuck I was on that, how I viciously I wanted to tear Paige apart when I heard about her bullying one of my best friends. I had once defended Paige as if my life depended on it, then I turned around and was ready to destroy her. Yet, somehow I'm back to willing to go to great lengths for her.

It's almost funny how things go. How life carries on and changes. Paige once told me that people are always changing, that it's inevitable. I feel as though I had always known this, that people become warped and darker as life takes it's toll on us all. But only now, sitting here next to her, do I believe it's possible to change in a different way. To become lighter and kinder. That life is what we make it.

Dropping my shoulders and pulling my hands into my lap as I look down, I whisper, "How do you do it?"

She pauses, I guess trying to understand my question as she asks, "Do what?"

Glancing over at her, her face is still so open and full of warmth with a hint of confusion that I tilt my head to instead study her fingers as they anxiously move about in her lap. She always seems so nervous talking to me, yet she comes to me time and time again. She continues to try helping me and all it does is cause my affections for her to grow. She always seems so blissfully oblivious to the effect she has on me, and yet I find it endearing. Paige is genuine in everything she does.

I find it hard to speak, my voice growing even softer as I clarify, "Become a better person."

Her hand instantly moves over to grab mine with a gentle squeeze and I close my eyes to savor the contact. I know I need to ignore my feelings for her, but it's so very hard when she's so close. It's hard when I feel so desperate for some form of comfort from another human being. Just for now, I'll let myself indulge a little. I'll allow myself to accept her care, whatever she may give, and not dare ask for anymore.

Paige remains quiet for a few moments, then leans back in her seat while stroking my hand with her thumb. Her voice is even and smooth as she says, "I think the first step is to figure out what it is that makes you so unhappy."

With a dry, self deprecating chuckle, I drop my head against the back of my seat and absently stare at the ceiling of my car. That list could take awhile.

"I'm serious, Spencer. After I came out," pausing at that statement, Paige's eyes narrow slightly to look at me more critically. I close my eyes, sure that I know what she may now be thinking. At my silence, she quickly continues, though more delicately, "I'm not gonna lie, it was really hard. It was really scary. But then it was out there and I dealt with it. It couldn't hold me back anymore and I was so relieved to get that weight off me. I realized the main thing that made me so unhappy was the fact that I was denying myself. I wouldn't let myself be happy and I took it out on everyone else, even myself. If you want to be a better person, you have to let yourself be happy, Spencer. Really, truly happy."

Tremblingly slightly, I grip Paige's hand more firmly as her words did nothing more than intensify my own self loathing. Maybe Alison was right. Maybe there is something wrong with us. Maybe only Paige was destined to find salvation. Alison is "A" and I'm... I don't even know. I'm just a mess who seems to have a mental breakdown every few months now. Maybe... all I have is my Hastings wit.

Feeling my eyes grow hot as tears threaten to show my miserable weakness once more, I let out a broken whisper of, "I don't know how."

My hand in hers is tugged and I look just in time to see Paige moving closer as she lets go of my hand to wrap both of hers around me. Leaning slightly against the console between us, I rest my head on her shoulder and wonder why I continue to torture myself this way. I take in the smell of her and the feeling of her arms gently squeezing me in an attempt to comfort me. No tears fall this time, not until I feel a warm wetness run through my scalp. I've made her cry for me again.

I wish I could just fix whatever it is that's wrong with me and be done with it. I wish I could just fix everything. I wish I could just end this "game" now and take "A" down. I wish I had the Ali I cared for back, not whatever she is now. I wish all my friends, including Paige, could be truly safe and happy. I wish I could just have a normal life with normal problems and not always feel like I'm falling apart at the seams. I wish I could just have a chance.

I wish... I could have a do-over. A fresh start.

The slight tremor and intake of breath, Paige trying to mask the fact that she's crying, cuts me so deeply that I pull her closer to me. Would it make Paige happy if I could just figure out how to be happy myself? I don't know how...

But I know I need to at least try.


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"I know her, we played field hockey together. We named a penalty after her."

Author's notes: And here we are my friends. As I stated in the very first chapter, their feelings were never addressed. At least, not with each other. For Spencer, it was quite clear, but I also tried to allude to Paige possibly returning those feelings. I wanted a story in which the girl doesn't get the girl in the end simply because she never even tries. I wanted a story in which the romance aspect wasn't even what it was about.

As much as this was about Spencer discovering and accepting her feelings for Paige, it was also intended for her to realize how similar she and Alison are. Most importantly, I wanted to try to highlight Spencer's flaws and personal struggles. I wanted the ending to be a bit sad and just slightly bitter with an opening and promise of just maybe, the future holds hope. There's always hope if you try.

I feel like ending it this way also leaves it open to continue it at some point. I didn't want a typical "happy ending" when I began, yet I feel like I created so much potential that it'd be a waste to let it go. I'm marking this as complete as it was my original intention to end it here. I'd like to think that I'll create a sequel which deals with Spencer's feelings being exposed, but it's hard to say. I'm not making any promises simply because of how long it took me to finish this up, but if I do begin a sequel I'll add another chapter to this story with a note stating so.

This may be the end of this story, but it's not the end of McHastings for me. I intend to write more for this pairing, so I hope to see some of you again sometime! Thank you all so much for reading along!