Patrick

The Suffolk Estate – January 1901

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"The Earl of Grantham is here to see you, your grace," he hears himself being announced and although he can't see it, he can very well imagine the look on the duchess' face.

"The Earl of Grantham?" the duchess asks and he hears that her voice is slightly shaky. She is probably expecting the worst.

"Yes, your grace."

"Thank you, William," the duchess says and then he is let into the room. He sees that the duchess is trying to remain calm but she is not very good at it. Just Violet told him 12 years ago, this American isnot very good at hiding her feelings.

"Duchess," he says and she replies "Welcome to Woodland Castle, Lord Grantham".

He is very aware of the two servants present in the room and says "I am here on a business matter," which he hopes she understands.

"Yes, of course," she replies, nods at one of the servants and both of them leave.

He then gets a letter out of the inside pocket of his jacket and hands it to her.

"This is for you," he simply says and she nods. "He sent it to me, asking me to pass it on if I could. This was the only way I thought possible."

"I thought you came to tell me that he is," but then she stops speaking and stares at the letter.

"No," he says reassuringly. He suddenly feels an urge to pat her hand. He likes this woman very much and he would love her if she was his daughter-in-law. "He is doing as well as possible in his circumstances," he says and the duchess nods, still staring at the letter. It is quite heavy and he had some difficulties smuggling it away from Violet. If she had found out that Robert's mistress was a duchess and that he has known about it for years, she'd have tried to murder both of them. She'd probably have gone all the way to South Africa and taken him with her as a punishment.

"Would you like some tea?" the duchess asks and he knows he has to say yes. He feels uncomfortable talking to his son's mistress, a woman who would have married his son if there hadn't been any parental interventions.

"What did you mean when you said his circumstances?" the duchess asks after she has ordered tea for them.

"That he was injured. Not life-threatingly so but enough to be sent home." The duchess nods and he sees a flicker of hope on her face and her eyes light up just a small bit. But it is enough to let the color shift from dull grey to light blue.

"But you won't be able to see him for quite some time I am afraid. He will have to rest and recuperate and Mary," here he has to cut himself off. He has no idea how much the duchess knows about Mary. He is sure that she knows about her existence but he supposes that Robert and the duchess don't talk a lot when they meet.

"How is Mary?" the duchess then asks with so much concern in her voice that he is sure that Robert must have talked about her.

"She is coping. Not very well because it is very difficult for her but it'll soon be over."

"Coping?" the duchess asks and then he can't stop himself anymore. He doesn't know why but he trusts this woman.

"She stopped speaking about a year ago. She used to speak to Lady Grantham and me and to Lady Rosamund but she stopped. She is terribly afraid of everything. Lady Grantham and I are doing our best but it isn't enough. We are not her parents."

"It must be very hard for you," the duchess says and he nods. He wishes he hadn't told her, it is none of her business.

"Lord Grantham," the duchess then continues. "I know it is not my business but do you have a stuffed bear or similar that belonged to your son when he was young?" He has no idea where this leads but this is all so absurd that he thinks it won't hurt to answer the duchess.

"Somewhere in the attic I am sure. Lady Grantham was not good at throwing the children's toys out."

"No mother is ever good at that," the duchess chuckles and it makes him like her even more.

"No, probably not."

"Maybe you should give Mary one of her father's old stuffed animals and tell her that it was his. It may remind her of him and who knows, maybe she'll speak to it."

"Mary is almost ten," he says. He wonders how little the duchess knows about children.

"Young enough then to still imagine a bear talking back to her." He must have looked very skeptical because the duchess continues "Not in public of course. But at night or when she is alone. And please don't look at me like that. I was a ten year old girl once, with a brother who made my life seemingly unbearable. He always blamed me for everything and nanny preferred him over me so she believed him. But Hugo, my bear, he believed me." The duchess smiles a very kind smile at this and without thinking he says

"I wish Mary had a mother like you," and then realizes what he has said but instead of trying to gloss it over, something in himself overturns everything he has ever learned and he continues "But it is my fault that she doesn't. And I am very, very sorry for it. Mary is paying a very high price for my stupidity."
The duchess nods and then says

"Yes. But Robert and I and to some extent even my son are paying quite a high price as well." The duchess now looks him straight in the eyes and she isn't unkind, there is in fact a small smile on her lips, one that says 'But do not only blame yourself'.

"You must be angry at me," he says nonetheless.

"No. I've made my peace with it, Lord Grantham." He doesn't know what to say, he just looks at her. The very kind face surrounded by soft, dark curls styled to perfection no doubt every day for no one but the servants and her young son to see. The custom made dress of which she probably owns dozens more, all ordered and paid for with money that belongs to her son, again for no one but that young boy and the servants to see. It is all about appearances.

"Have you ever considered marrying again? You must need help raising your son and running this estate." The duchess' eyebrows shoot up in surprise but she does not seem to be offended although she should be. This is none of his business.

"Yes and no. I would like some help with teaching Sam how to be a duke, but in a way Robert helps me with it. He tells me what is important, to which school to send him and so on. And the estate? Well, I have a land agent and Robert helps me look through the books to keep an eye on him. And to answer your first question, yes, I would like to marry again very much. But I won't marry without love and you know as well as I do that that is not possible."

"So it is love that keeps my son and you together?" The duchess now displays a look of utter confusion, rather like a little girl who does not understand why her favorite toy has been taken away.

"Naturally it is. Did you really think that Robert or I for that matter would risk this affair for years and years if it wasn't about love?" He can only shake his head and stare at this woman in wonder. This kind woman who could have been his daughter-in-law. Who could have been sitting at his dinner table every day and made lively conversation. Who would have loved his grandchildren and his son.

"That makes it worse," he says and the duchess shakes her head.

"No. It makes it more bearable. At least there is something we can do about it even if we cannot be together the way we would like to be. But a love like this is better than no love at all."

He cannot help admire this woman who sometimes still has the air of an innocent little girl about her but yet again seems as wise as his own grandmother was who died at the age of 98.

"Would you like to stay for dinner?" she asks then and he would very much like to say yes but he can't stay, he has to be on his way home, he has already stayed here for too long.

"Thank you Duchess, but no. I must be on my way home." She then gets up, and rings for a footman to accompany him and to his great astonishment she comes to the door with him. When he says his final goodbye to her she looks at him and says "Please tell him that," and he nods. He knows what she wants and he will do so, he will find a moment alone with Robert, it shouldn't be too difficult.

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"You are late," are the words Violet greets him with when he enters the dining room in his travelling clothes. She has apparently already started to eat but as it is just them tonight, he won't change.

"I know and I am sorry," he says and sits down opposite her.

"Do you intent to change?" she asks and he answers

"I intent to eat." It makes her laugh just as he knew it would. He likes having dinner with just her. First of all it means that their horrible daughter-in-law isn't home but he also just enjoys talking to Violet more freely than usual. They are very good friends after all.

After they have been left alone in the drawing later on, Violet asks

"Were you able to smuggle that letter to his mistress then?" and when he looks at her he sees a triumphant smile on his wife's face. It is a look very typical for her. Her face is much harsher than the duchess' but it is also surrounded by curls styled to perfection. There is a twinkle in Violet's eyes though that takes a lot of the harshness away if one is able to detect it. She is very hard on the outside and very soft on the inside and he believes that he is among a group of very few people who know this. Both Robert and Rosamund know and he hopes that Mary does too. Mary.

"Do you remember that stuffed brown toy dog that Robert used to take everywhere?" he asks and Violet looks at him as if he had just fallen to earth from the moon.

"Patrick, that is a very feeble attempt at changing the topic of the conversation and it won't work." He shakes his head and decides to explain it all rather than just giving Violet bits, she will want to know all of it anyway. The only thing he cannot tell her however is who Robert's mistress really is.

"I wasn't trying to change the topic. I talked to her when I gave her the letter. She asked about Mary and I told her the truth, I don't know why. But I told her that she stopped speaking about a year ago and this woman suggested that we give Mary a stuffed toy that belonged to Robert. So that she would have something that reminded her of her father." He decides to leave out the 'talking to the toy' part because he isn't sure that Violet won't find it ridiculous.

"Why would Robert's mistress ask about his daughter?" Violet asks quite unabashedly and he cannot help looking around the room to check that they are alone.

"Because there is more to it than we thought. She loves him and apparently he loves her too." Violet doesn't look very surprised at this.

"It is exactly how I thought then. Why would he have kept the same mistress for almost a decade if he didn't love her?"

"You anticipated this?" he asks and she nods.

"Our son has a very kind heart and he is a bit of a sentimentalist. It does not surprise me that he loves his mistress."

"The mistress he loves," Patrick muses and Violet begins to laugh.

"That, my dear husband, sounds like the title of a dirty romance novel."

It makes him laugh too and without conscious thought he gets up, holds out his hands to her, she takes them and gets up as well. She is now standing so close to him that he could count her eyelashes and he puts his arms around her just as he does to him. It is a practiced motion, they have done this a thousand times. They are very good friends after all.

"We've made a horrible mistake," Violet whispers into his shoulders and because he knows her so well he hears that she is holding back tears.

"And there is nothing we can do about it. I inquired about a divorce again, it is not possible." They hold onto each other for a moment longer and then without needing to say a word they go upstairs.

He doesn't even knock tonight when he enters Violet's room, they both knew he was coming to her tonight. Violet smiles a warm welcoming smile at him, she has obviously been waiting for him.

"Now, the dog," she says, gets up, goes to her nightstand and opens the lowest drawer.

He cannot believe his eyes when he sees her take out the toy he has been thinking about. She puts in on the bed and says "We should give it to Mary tomorrow morning I think."

"You have that dog hidden in your drawer," is all he can say about this.

"I did not hide it. No one ever asked about it."

"What else is in there?" he asks and Violet begins to empty the drawer. There are two more of Robert's toy animals, a doll that Rosamund used to dress for tea, two picture books both their children loved, a few drawings some of which were evidentially drawn by the children when they were still very small, a few letters and a few pictures.

He looks through them all in wonder and is transported back to a time when his children were still children. When he hadn't yet ruined his son's life.

"I don't look at those things very often, but I am glad to know that I have got them," Violet says in a very rare moment of sentimentality.

"So am I," he says and then helps her to hide their children's childhoods in the bottom most drawer of her nightstand again.

"Why did we ruin our son's life?" Violet asks quite out of the blue a few minutes later.

"Because we thought we were doing the right thing."

"We told ourselves we were doing the right thing. And that is where we failed." Violet looks defeated now, a look that is not displayed on her face very often.

"I don't think there is any use in discussing it again. Let's just try to rectify what we can rectify. Let's spend more time with Mary. Maybe we can take her with us when we travel the next time. Not for months but maybe for four weeks. Give Robert some time and space."

"We would also have to take nanny."

"Of course." Violet would never spend more than thirty minutes with a child all by herself. But if the nanny is at hand, she is likely to spend quite a lot of time with Mary.

"Are you staying?" He deliberates for a moment and looks at his wife. He is so glad that she is nothing like Robert's wife. They aren't in love, they have never been in love, they never will be in love, but they like and respect one another and they are good friends. Best friends.

"Of course I am staying," he says, takes Violet's face in his hands and kisses her.

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Cora

The Suffolk Estate – January 1901

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She opens the letter as soon as Lord Grantham has left. It was hard for her not to open it when he was still there. She hasn't heard a word from Robert ever since the day he left. She has had to rely on the newspapers to be sure that he is still alive. But he couldn't write to her, it was too dangerous. And now he is about to come home and she has got a letter. The only thing better than that would have been Robert herself coming to her estate.

Her hands are shaking when she opens the letter and her heart is beating much faster than usual when she begins to read.

My darling Cora,

If you read this letter, I know that you have seen my father because the only way he could get this letter to you without causing any suspicion was to deliver it himself.

I am sure that he has told you that I am doing well, that I have been injured but am not in any danger.

My darling, I am sorry to have to tell you that that is not true. I asked the medical staff to not tell my parents how grave my injury really was, mainly because I don't want them to worry for Mary's sake. They will find out how badly I have been hurt soon enough.

But you deserve to know the truth now. I have been shot and the bullet is still stuck above my heart. There is a young Scottish doctor here, a Dr. Clarkson who says that he wants to remove the bullet. He says it is the only way to possibly save me but he isn't sure that it will work. I have agreed to this treatment because if he doesn't try, I will almost certainly die. I hope that I won't die and Dr. Clarkson says that with a bit of luck I'll make it but the risk is there. So if this is it and it very well may be, know this:

I have loved you very, very much.

In the event that I don't survive this, there are a few things I want you to know and a few things I would like to ask you to do.

Here she needs to stop reading. She looks at the following pages and the names Sam, Mary, and Rosamund seem to be mentioned but she doesn't have the strength to read any of it. She will read it tonight, when she is alone in her bedroom and can be quite sure that she won't be interrupted.

But at the moment she needs company and so she seeks out her young son.


AN: Thank you as always for the many reviews! I really appreciate you taking the time. And a special thanks to the guests who I can't thank in a pm.

I hope you liked this chapter and that Violet wasn't out of character. But I think she really is very soft on the inside and that she loves her children and grandchildren very much.

Let me know what think about this chapter.

Have a great Sunday everyone,

Kat