I do not own twilight or it's characters. I just like to play puppet with them.
Chapter 7
"A Promise to Burn"
Bella's POV
I sat behind the stirring wheel of my know finished racecar. The ice and snow storm had long passed and things were back to normal. Well kind of, I had immersed myself into working on my car and Edward came by almost everyday to have lunch with me and say high. Neither of us speaking of the night when I opened up to him. The words had just flowed from me that night of their own accord. It was true I did feel a little better to talk, but I hadn't even told Edward the half of it. I had left out a ton of things that I am sure he wouldn't want to hear judging by the reaction he had to Dem hitting me. It was more then that it was much more then that, that was such a dark time in my life and I wasn't sure I would ever be able to tell anyone all of it. Jacob knew a good part of it, but I still not give him all of the facts. I am sure if I did then Demetri would not live to see another day. If Jacob didn't kill him then my father would and I wasn't sure why, but I had the feeling Edward would also. I recalled the first day after the storm that Edward had come by and asked me to lunch.
I was staring into space once again and completely unaware that anyone was in the garage with me. Jacob wasn't coming in that day and my father had run out to pick up a part.
"Bella." His velvety smooth comforting voice broke my concentration. I turned slowly and couldn't shake the feeling that I was happy to see him. I felt like I wanted to smile, but I held it back.
"Edward?" I said more like a question pleasantly surprised to see him in the garage speaking to me. That meant that he didn't think I was complete mental case. I mean who goes around talking to mental cases?
"I was just in the area and I was wondering if you would like to grab a bite to eat?" He didn't sound sure of himself, which to me seemed a little off. Someone like Edward oozed sex appeal and confidence, but in that one little question he seemed unsure.
"Umm my break isn't for another half hour." I said surprising myself and wondering why the hell I was going to lunch with him. Oh that is right, because you love embarrassment. I was still pretty embarrassed by my banshee screaming and telling him a part of my past.
"I don't mind waiting." He suggested with his emerald eyes looking into my soul.
"Ok?" I said it more like a question. In the past three years other then being at the Cullen's I hadn't associated with anyone other then my parents and Jake. He stared at me for a moment as if he was waiting for something more.
"Is that a yes or a no?" He finally said sounding worried. I turned red embarrassed at my lack of an answer, apparently during my hermit time I had forgot manners.
"Yes." I said and he smiled this beautiful crooked smile that melted my crushed heart, it was now liquid.
I tinkered around with my car not really able to concentrate as he sat in the chair on the far side of the garage watching me. I was usually very confident with my work, but with him there it was a major distraction and I wasn't so sure of myself anymore. My father returned and told me to take my lunch break, he was shocked to say the least when he realized Edward was there to take me to lunch. He gave me a concerned look, but it was also hopeful.
Edward and I went to the only diner in town and I hated that everyone knew me there. They all stared like I was a freak show, which I assumed I had been for a while. The zombie -freak -emotional -mess of a show, presenting Bella Swan. It was embarrassing the way they all gave me half smiles and the pity look, I was used to it, but it was embarrassing for Edward to see. He just smiled and didn't seem to acknowledge them. We both ordered burgers even though I knew I wouldn't be able to eat much, over the years I had gone down to one meal a day, because of depression. My weight lose was significant that was noticeable with my protruding hip bones, but I just couldn't find it in me to enjoy food.
"So how is the car coming along?" Edward asked looking truly curious.
That started up an easy subject and Edward watched me the whole time, but it wasn't uncomfortable the way everyone else watched me. I listened carefully about his stories in the business world and made discreet contact with his soothing touch any chance I got.
We spent lunch together everyday that I worked ever since and I longed until it was time to be around him again. I hadn't look forward to anything other then the day I died for years, but now I was looking forward to seeing Edward. He was like a sparkling diamond catching the sun and pushing some of the warmth on me.
We never spoke of the night at his house when I opened up and he never asked any questions. We talked about him mostly, he taught me all about book keeping and a bunch of other stuff that went along with running a business. Some things I had learned from my mother, because she did my fathers business paper work, but I didn't mind hearing about his OCD way of doing stuff. I could tell he was a very organized person and I liked that. Though my OCD had came about for a different reason, it was a way to cope with the itch.
"Penny for you thoughts." Edward's velvety voice came through the interior of my racecar. I looked over and I felt the pull at the corner of my lips trying to make me smile. I didn't reply I just stared at him in all his beauty. What someone like Edward wanted with me I wasn't sure, but I wasn't going to look to deeply either. "So how it is coming along?" He asked leaning in the window.
"Finished." I sighed tightening up on the stirring wheel and looking through the windshield.
"Really?" He asked surprised. "So how does it run?" He asked sounding anxious. I looked over and I could see many emotions in his eyes. He looked proud, anxious, and concerned.
"I haven't even taken it out yet." I said shaking my head, he looked at me confused.
"Why not?"
I sat there pondering if I was going to tell him the truth or lie and when I looked up into his truly curious eyes, I decided it was best to settle in the middle. So I gave him the partial truth.
"I just finished it a little bit ago." He waited for me to say more as if he knew that wasn't all of it, but I didn't offer up the rest. The other part was that I was afraid, I was afraid it wouldn't feel as good as it used to. I was afraid it wouldn't help me forget, that the speed wouldn't make me feel better like I had hoped. I knew I could never forget EJ, cringe, but I hoped I could ease the pain. Kind of like Edward's touch did, because honestly he wouldn't be around forever.
"Are you alright?" Edward asked of course catching my discomfort and seeing me cringe. He noticed everything.
"I am fine." I paused trying to think of a reasonable lie. "I am always a little sad when I finish a project."
"Oh well we should take her out." He suggested and I felt the warm and fuzzy feeling double at the word 'we'. Also I caught the fact that he called my car a her.
"IT is not a her." I stated teasingly, but a little serious. I was surprised hell didn't open up at the sight of Bella Swan teasing, it had been a long time.
"I am sorry, what is it?" He asked amused with a smug smile, I couldn't help but smile.
"Just as you said it is a it." I shrugged not wanting to give this racecar a gender, because if I crashed it I didn't want to have a relationship with it. So it was just that an it and nothing more.
"So when are we going to take it out?" He asked again and he was looking more and more anxious. "Or if you want to do it alone that is fine." He added quickly. It was something I had planned on doing alone, but maybe if I had someone with me then I could keep my emotions in check with which ever way things went. Plus the opportunity to spend time with Edward again was too tempting.
"How about Friday?" I suggested he made a perplexed face.
"Bella, Friday is Christmas." He reminded me of the holiday that I was trying my best not to think about.
"Yeah right." I sighed thinking. "What about Wednesday then, unless you have plans?"
"No plans, I will be there." He said smiling at me.
So it was set that on Wednesday Edward would meet me at the garage and we would take the car out for a test drive. I was anxious, scared, and extremely nervous, but the idea of Edward being there eased some worries. I hoped that I wouldn't have a full on breakdown while with him.
Being around Edward was a distraction from all the pain I was harboring, but the pain didn't disappear. When our skin made contact it eased the pain for a brief moment kind of like the pain from a tattoo gun it takes away the inner pain for a moment. Though Edward's touch was only painful, because I knew it wouldn't last. Soon he would leave and all that I will be left with the same old pain and no one to sooth the pain like he did.
As I entered the house I was struck with a sickly burning smell, I ran to the kitchen to see smoke coming out of the top of the stove. I ran over and opened the oven door, not thinking I reached in and pulled the pan out. I immediately threw it on top of the stove.
"Fuck." I said as my hand burned with pain. I went over to the sink and ran cold water over my hand, there were already blisters forming on my palm and finger tips. After a bit of the sting was gone I went back over and turned the stove off. The burnt mess in the pain appeared to be an attempt at lasagna. I was suddenly wondering what on earth my erratic harebrained mother could be doing not to smell this burning mess. I made my way down the hall to the family bathroom downstairs to get a first aid kit for my burns.
I stood frozen as I entered the bathroom, my mother laid on the floor with her head resting on the toilet, her eyes were closed. My first thought was that she was dead, but I saw her chest barely moving.
"Mom?" I said my voice chocking and shaking. Her eyes opened slowly and she looked surprised.
"Bella, I am sorry." She said tears filling her eyes. I made my way to the floor and pulled her head to my chest.
"What on earth are you apologizing for mom?" I asked tears coming to my own eyes.
"I don't like for you to see me like this." She said sniffling.
"I don't like you hiding anything from me." My hand raised to her forehead to brush her hair back and it was burning up. "Mom your burning up." I said pulling back and taking another look at her. She had cold sweet running down her forehead, she was pale, as pale as me, and that was saying something. She was shaking and the bags under her eyes were dark.
"I am going to go call Doctor Cullen." I said pulling away from her gently.
"Bella I am alright don't bother him." She said reaching for me.
"No mom your really sick I need to call him." I held in the sobs as I took one more look at her before going for the phone. I hit the speed dial on the house phone and waited.
"Hello." A slightly familiar pixy voice came through the phone.
"Is Dr. Cullen there?" I asked probably sounding horrible.
"Um no is this an emergency?" The girl asked and I wanted to scream yes the fuck it is, but I wasn't sure if it was.
"I just really need to speak to him, it is my mother." I said my voice breaking.
"I can give you his cell number?" She said more like a question.
"Oh I thought that was the number I called, sorry." I said hanging up, because I had thought that was the speed dial for his number. I hit the other speed dial number we had for him.
"Doctor Cullen." He answered in a professional tone.
"Carlisle it is Bella, I just got home and my mom is really sick." I rushed the words out as my voice crackled and broke.
"Bella dear, what is wrong?" He asked calmly, but in a more worried then professional tone.
"I came home and she was laying on the bathroom floor. She is burning up, shaking, and she is pale, really pale." I tried to explain and the more I thought about her in the bathroom the more I panicked.
EJ laid on the white sheets pale and lifeless. I shook the vision away and concentrated on what Carlisle was saying.
"Ok just say calm I am on my way over there. Have you called your father?" He asked and I could hear the beep of a car when you put the keys in before shutting the door.
"No."
"Ok well call him and I will be there in a moment." He said and I thanked him and hung up to call my father. I tried to calm down so I wouldn't terrify my father, but as soon as I said it was mom, it was too late for that. I went back into the bathroom and held my mothers hair while she convulsed over the toilet bowl. There was nothing left in her stomach to come up, but that didn't stop her body from trying. She leaned back onto the floor and gave me a weak smile.
"We have come a long way since the last time we both sat on the bathroom floor together." She said giving me a another weak smile, I just nodded my head.
"Yep looks like it is payback time for all the times you held my hair." I said trying to smile, but I couldn't. My mother had held my hair and watched me puke many times. She was always there for me and I wondered now how she had watched me go through so much.
She held my hair while I puked through the first few months of my pregnancy from being pregnant and from withdrawals. Then just three years ago when I was too depressed to keep anything down, then two years ago once again having withdrawals. At that time we puked together, it was the last time we were on this floor together. I was having withdrawals once again and she was on chemo.
"Bella can you promise me something?" My mother asked her voice weak, I nodded afraid to speak.
"Mom." I started to protest, but she stopped me.
"We know it is going to happen at some time. I just want you to promise me you won't lose yourself, promise me you will live your life. Please." She pleaded and I wasn't sure this was something I could promise her.
"Mom you are not going anywhere." I sighed really hoping she didn't.
"Promise me." She pleaded. Tears ran down her cheeks as the did mine.
"I promise." I said hugging my mother.
Doctor Cullen and my father both showed up moments after each other and we moved my mom to her bed upstairs with a waste basket next to her. He checked her over for a while taking all of her vitals and a few other things. I thought he would never tell us what was going, but I knew it was the cancer. It was eating her alive..
"Well it seems to be a virus of some sort." Carlisle spoke looking at all of us. I felt slightly relieved. "With the cancer your immunities are really low and it is more difficult on your body to be sick. I am going to give you something for the fever and some vitamins to help you fight this off. Eat what you can, crackers or soup, just be sure to eat something." He told her and then went on with instructions.
My father badgered Carlisle with a million questions until he was sure that my mother didn't need to go to the hospital for further testing. Carlisle told him that he was sure she would recover from this and if she went to the hospital she was more then likely to catch something else. My mom was only concerned that she wouldn't be better for Christmas and the Cullen's party, but Carlisle seemed fairly sure that she would be better by then. Carlisle was getting ready to leave when he noticed my hand.
"Bella dear, what happened?" He asked examining my very red and blistery hand. I explained what happened and he insisted on doctoring it so I allowed him. He then left the house after we promised to call him if we needed anything else. My father was sitting on the bed next to my mother holding her hand and brushing her hair out of her face, it made me uncomfortable so I escaped to give them some alone time.
As I walked down the hall to my room, the door next to mine taunted me. I was tempted to go in, but I knew that today had been stressful enough. I might as well not have a breakdown and add to it. I laid back on my bed thinking about the promise I made to my mother, which made me think of the last time I lost myself and my thoughts drifted into memories.
I laid on the same grave that I know visit often and I was passed out cold. A warm hand shook me awake.
"Leave me the hell alone." I mumbled into the ground.
"Bella." Jacob said sounding pained and annoyed. "I know it hurts, but it has been a year. It is time for you to start healing, to start moving on. There are other people that need you."
I got up off the grave and looked into his dark eyes full of pity. I punched him in the chest and screamed at him, my words not coherent even for me as I said them. When I was too tired to hit him anymore he pulled me into a hug.
"Bella it is time for you to come home." He said in a final tone.
It had been a year and two weeks since my baby boy was laid to rest and it felt like it only happened the day before. I had not healed at all and I felt like I never would.
"I don't have a home." I growled turning to run away from Jacob, he griped my arm tightly.
"Yes you do. Please your dad needs you, your mom is.." He didn't finish, but I could hear the pain in his voice. I looked up into his eyes.
"My mom is what?" I asked feeling scared once again for the first time in a year. Once my world was gone there hadn't been anything for me to fear. All I wanted was to die and join him, but I was too big of coward to do it myself. Thought at this point I was getting stronger.
"She has cancer Bells." He said with a sadness radiating off of him. Suddenly everything started spinning and I once again feared that someone I loved was going to die.
The tears flowed and I felt the pain in my chest. I had been sober to long (two days to be exact) and it was too painful. I ran for my bike and took off towards Port Angeles. I pulled up to the ratty old house in the worst neighbor hood. I banged on the door and I heard scurrying inside.
"Who is it?" The familiar sadistic voice called out to me in an angry tone.
"Bella." I yelled back. My hands shaking and the emotions torturing me. The door swung open and James smiled down at me.
"The usual?" He asked gesturing for me to come in. Dirty smelly mattresses laid about on the floor with half dressed people on them. Victoria, James's skank glared at me as I passed, but I paid no attention to her. Roaches crawled along the walls and floor ignoring the people in the house as if they owned the place. It smelled like piss and sex in the house, but in a minute my senses would be lost, so what did it matter.
"Double it." I said following him to the back of the house and he smiled greedily. I handed him all the money I had left and he handed me two little plastic bags. I dumped them on the counter and made two lines.
"In a hurry today?" James teased as my hands shook. I usually went somewhere else to do this, but today I couldn't wait any longer. I hated myself for doing this, but it was the only way to ease the pain. The only way to see his little face and feel like he was here with me. This would be the last time so I had to make it good.
I pulled myself from my memories as the weight on my chest ached and I longed for something to ease it. I only knew of one thing that could ease that pain-my new addiction-, but I couldn't just run to him. So I pulled my knees to my chest as the pain overwhelmed me. Tears flowed from my eyes, my hands shock, I felt cold, and I wished that it was my time to die, but I knew I wasn't so lucky.
Their was a ringing in my ears and it took me a moment to realize it was the phone, I leaned over and picked it up. Maybe it was hell calling.
"Hello?" The velvety voice questioned into the phone and I felt my heart skip a beat.
I know it ended on a sad note and I am sorry, but I will try and make the next chapter happier. Next chapter Bella takes Edward out to the race track, it will be in Edward's POV.
I do have one question for my readers & I hope you can review and let me know. Do you like for me to switch POV's each chapter? Or Would you rather half the chapter be Bella's POV, then the other half Edward's POV.
Please review, the more you review the more it motivates me to write.
