The world was grey.
For Kanan Jarrus, Jedi Knight and former Commander in the Grand Army of the Republic, the world was nothing but various shades of grey. Once, it was full of color, but ever since Maul took his sight on that accursed Sith planet, all he could see was various shades of grey.
All he could now feel was despair, self-loathing, and an overwhelming sense of guilt for Ahsoka's death. Hence, he shut himself off from everyone, Hera and Ezra especially. It pained him, but what else could he do? He couldn't see, so he couldn't fight, and he certainly couldn't afford cybernetic eyes, not with the scarce funds the Rebels had.
Kanan.
There it was, that voice again, calling him out into the wild.
I see you.
He didn't know who it belonged to, or where it even came from. All he did know, however, that whoever the voice belonged to was extremely powerful…and ancient.
Come to me.
"Kanan," a more familiar and comforting voice spoke from behind. Kanan could not see anymore, but he didn't have to. He knew Hera's voice and soothing presence, even if blind "I was hoping to see you at the briefing." She informed him, her voice full of concern.
Kanan didn't speak for the longest moment. How could he, after all that's happened?
"I heard Ezra's doing well," he opted to say instead, deliberately avoiding her unanswered question.
"He has been stepping up," Hera informed him, though Kanan could detect the annoyance in her voice directed at him. "But…uh…you know, he blames himself for whatever happened to you and Ahsoka."
That brought on a whole new level of guilt and shame for Kanan. Ezra blamed himself? No, it wasn't his fault. How could he have known Maul's nature- the insane former Sith had blinded everyone to his true intentions.
"Well, I don't," he stated with a pained clarity. "I never have."
Hera's voice became steel. "Try telling him that," she icily replied, before receding footsteps told Kanan that she had turned around and walked back to the briefing room, presumably to vent.
He sighed. She was right. Ezra deserved to know that he didn't blame him for what happened on Malachor, no matter what Ezra might have thought of his own role in that matter.
He stood, a little shakily, and began to make his way back to the Ghost, trying not to stumble into anything in his grey, unseeing world. Along the way, he tried to make out the presences of everyone in the Force.
So far, everything was a blur when they were farther away; his connection to the Force not what it once was. True, he had rescued Ezra from that Dark Side-induced nightmare, but even that had been an act borne of desperation, not faith.
"Jarrus," another familiar voice spoke, this one nearly void of emotion.
Speaking of faith.
Robb's presence chilled him to the bone as if Chopper Base was suddenly subjected to the worst blizzard in a decade, despite its location on a dry, rocky world. Darkness and light swirled around the former king as if the conflicting, dualistic nature of the Force was embodied in this one man. He wouldn't go as far as to say that Stark was the same as Vader or the Inquisition, however. The man had some form of honor, that much was clear. But it was also very clear that the Grey Wolf did not share his view on how to win battles and defeat one's opponent. He repaid kindness with courtesy, and betrayal with death.
A man to be wary of, that was for certain.
He nodded to where he thought- felt, rather- the man was.
"Stark," he greeted evenly, crossing his arms.
"I've come to tell you that your Padawan is looking for you. He says he's got something to tell you, something that he's been wanting to get off his chest ever since you pulled him out of that nightmare." the Grey Wolf informed him, obviously in a hurry to get somewhere, despite the careful concealment in his voice.
Kanan vaguely wondered for a moment if Robb had been hearing the same, ancient voice he had been hearing, as well, calling him out into the desert.
"Alright," he nodded instead. "I was just on my way to talk to him. I guess this just gives me some extra impetus." he attempted to joke, trying to regain some of his old charisma, though he felt that his attempt at humor fell flat with this man when Robb didn't say anything.
"Indeed..." was all the Grey Wolf said before sighing. "Look, Jarrus, I'd love to stay and chat, but I really must be going. I've important business to attend to." Stark brushed passed him, clearly intent on getting somewhere. Kanan turned around.
"Robb!" he called, and he heard the footfalls of Robb's armored boots halt. "May the Force be with you."
He didn't hear Robb acknowledge him in a verbal way, but he did hear the pause before the footfalls began again, fading away until he heard the tell-tale roar of a speeder bike starting up, indicating that wherever Robb was going, it was far and off away.
Again, he wondered if Robb had heard the same voice he had.
Soon enough, after a few moments of walking slowly as to make sure that he would not bump into anything or anyone, he soon came to Ezra's door. He hesitated at first, unsure about how to begin the conversation, before he took a deep breath, and knocked on the door.
"Come on in." His apprentice greeted when the door slid open. Kanan heard a shifting of sheets and assumed that Ezra had been laying down on his bunk when he knocked on the door.
"Heard you wanted to talk to me about something," Kanan said, leaning on the bulkhead while trying to face his Padawan. He heard Ezra sigh, and an overwhelming sense of guilt and shame suddenly hit him. He quickly attuned himself to whatever Ezra had to say.
"What is it?" he asked, curiosity and trepidation seeping into his voice, in equal measure.
Ezra sighed. "Remember what happened on Malachor?"
Kanan nodded, unsure where this was going.
"Well, I told you that I got rid of the Sith Holocron almost immediately after that, remember?" he started to explain, the guilt increasing in his tone, which began raising red flags in Kanan's mind.
"Yeah, I remember," he replied, the concern now rising in his voice. "Why?"
Ezra did not respond to him with words. Instead, Kanan heard his student get up and go over to his dresser. He then felt something being placed in his hands as he heard Ezra sit back down.
The object was smooth, made of what felt to be glass and bronzium. It was pyramidal in shape, and Kanan could feel the malevolent presence of the Dark Side seeping out of it.
No, he thought in abject horror as realization dawned on him. It can't be…
"The Sith Holocron?" he began slowly, still trying to come to terms with it. His shock only increased when he felt one of the edges of the pyramid was out of alignment. "You opened it?"
Ezra's answer was quiet. "Yeah, I did."
"Ezra," Kanan began. "You know that only those who use the Dark Side of the Force can open this." Please, tell me you're not walking down that path. Please tell me that it was Robb or Maul who opened it.
"I know that!" Ezra suddenly snapped. "But what else was I supposed to do, without you to teach me? To guide me? I had nothing else to turn to! I needed to get stronger, better, to protect all of you!" He began to yell. "And with it, I was winning battle after battle." But as soon as his yelling began, it subsided. "I needed to be stronger…so I wouldn't hurt you again. Any of you."
Kanan felt whatever rebuttal he had melted away. Now, at last, he understood. Ezra blamed himself for everything that happened on Malachor and was trying to amend for what he perceived to be his error…in the worst, most desperate way.
So instead of yelling at him, the elder Jedi pulled him into a hug, his arms wrapping fully around Ezra's slimmer frame. "I never blamed you, Ezra." He whispered to his apprentice, comforting him as the younger of the two Jedi broke down in sobs. "I've never blamed you for any of it. Neither has Hera or anyone. So please, don't blame yourself."
"I…" Ezra sniffled a few choked sobs. "I thought you would have been angry with me."
Is that what he thinks? "No," he replied, close to tears himself as he removed his mask from his face, making sure Ezra saw him, even if he couldn't see Ezra. "No. I was afraid for you. I was terrified that you had lost your way."
He heard his ward take deep, shaky breaths- the air hitting Kanan's chest before he calmed down. "I was…until I talked to Robb the other day…and the nightmare."
Of course, Kanan realized. Ezra began to reject the Holocron, and whatever was inside it didn't want to let its grip on him go, so it enthralled him in a nightmare, hoping to break him.
His course was clear. The Holocron needed to get out of here, as fast as possible, and as far away as possible. The only question was how. As far as he knew, Maul was most likely searching for it; from what he knew of the former Sith who blinded him, the man was the very definition of obsessed.
Come to me.
The mysterious voice again spoke to him, commanding him to find it.
I have what you seek.
Kanan felt the Holocron in his hands again. Somehow, Ezra's rejection of the darkness within tied to the Grey Wolf, but how? It wasn't like he could get any answers out of the man if he asked; even when Robb had confessed to them about how he came to be, he still preferred to keep to himself always.
And his abilities… Zeb had described to him what happened on Naraka, that Robb didn't just take control of the mind of an Imperial trooper- he had dominated and tortured him mentally. And then, the Grey Wolf callously threw said trooper over the edge of a landing platform, apparently just because he was bored. But how did he have those abilities, to begin with?
Kanan remembered that he had once tried to probe Robb, to test him for Force-sensitivity. And the Force did push back, somewhat, but unlike what he felt from nearly any other Force-user, the Force emanating from Robb felt primal.
Raw.
"You know, I can't let you keep this." Kanan reminded Ezra at long last, who had let go of his embrace.
"Yeah," he sniffed. "I know." Kanan couldn't see Ezra's sheepish grin, but he did feel the guilt and shame emanating from his apprentice washing away, replaced by relief. "I don't need it anymore." Another long silence passed between them before Ezra burst it again. "Kanan…thank you…for everything."
He could not help but smile as his heart warmed.
"You too, Ezra. You too," he replied as he exited his room.
As he left the Ghost, he distinctly heard singing coming from Sabine's room. It was a sweet, yet mournful song.
"It's always summer, under the sea. I know, I know, oh, oh, oh…"
The desert was a conundrum, Kanan found, as he trudged his way through the sands and rocky outcroppings of Atollon, trying to use the Force to find his way towards the source of the voice even as krykna spiders followed him at a distance, obviously viewing him as a food source or a threat.
He didn't really feel like correcting them.
It was about an hour of walking later, as he really started to feel Atollon's heat bear down on him when he felt the ground give way to some sort of depression.
"You out here, too?" he heard a familiar, stentorian voice call out to him. He then heard the tell-tale footfalls of Robb Stark's armored boots walking towards him. "I take it you've been hearing the same voice as well, calling you out here."
"Yeah," Kanan confirmed. "The question is who, though, or what?"
"I don't know," Robb replied. "But we're going to find out, one way or another."
"Agreed," Kanan agreed with Robb, and so the Jedi and the former king began to call out, hoping to find whoever called them out there in the first place.
"Hello?" the Jedi Knight cried out, trying to find whatever summoned them there.
"Anyone out there?" Robb called. "We're here to answer your summons."
"We can sense your presence!" Kanan added. "Come out!"
Just then, the ground began to rumble in front of them, and out of it rose…something, judging by Robb's trailing off
"By the Old Gods and the New…" The Grey Wolf quietly swore. Whatever the thing that summoned them was, it must have been big. Kanan could feel the Force practically flow from whatever this gigantic being was.
"Hello there." The giant thing boomed, it's voice carrying over the coral mesas. "Ah. The two of you heard my call. Good. The imbalance between you two woke me from the deepest of slumbers."
"Imbalance?" Kanan repeated, not quite sure what this being was getting at.
"Yes…" The thing drew out. "Your presence is like a violent maelstrom on this quiet world."
Kanan sucked in a breath. "You're a Fore wielder!" He exclaimed, kneeling before it. "But...not a Jedi."
"Hmm." The being harrumphed. "Jedi and Sith wield the Ashla and Bogan, the Light and the Dark, true enough. But I…I am the one in the middle. The Bendu." The creature called himself. "Now, what do you call yourselves?" The thing- Bendu- asked them.
"I am Kanan Jarrus, Jedi Knight." Kanan greeted first.
"And I am Robb Stark, Lord of Winterfell," the wolf greeted next, a measure of impatience creeping into his voice.
"Hmm…I sense great conflict within you, both," Bendu observed. "Your thoughts dwell on your apprentice, while yours dwell on the family you lost.
"How do you know?" Kanan asked, confused as he pulled out the Sith Holocron. The Bendu must have seen it, for he began to chuckle.
"Oh, Kanan Jarrus and Robb Stark, I have been watching over all your lives, with a thousand eyes and one." The object floated away from Kanan's hands, and into Bendu's. "Ah, what's this? Interesting."
"Careful with that!" Kanan warned. "It's-," he was cut off as he heard the telltale sign of it opening. "-dangerous."
"How so?" the Bendu asked him, obviously intrigued, though Kanan couldn't be sure whether he was playing with him, or not.
"It's a Sith Holocron," he explained. "It's an agent of evil. My student had been using it, and I'm still afraid of whatever effects it might still have on him."
"An object cannot make one good or evil." Kanan heard a graveling sound as if the Bendu was shaking his massive head. "The temptation of power, forbidden knowledge…even the desire to do good can lead one down that path. But only you can decide to follow it or not. And from what I have seen, your apprentice has rejected it, utterly, thanks in no small part here to Robb Stark, Lord of Winterfell."
"Not always," Kanan replied quietly. Me being blind can't be changed.
"Ah, so your conflict becomes clear, but yours, Robb Stark, remains clouded..." the Bendu trailed off. "Both of you will be tested. You, Kanan Jarrus, will remain here with me, and you, Robb, will go into the cave behind me. There is a tree growing in there, one that will answer your unanswered questions…mostly, and help you to restore your own balance."
Kanan could sense Robb's confusion, and then resignation, as the former King in the North got up and walked to the cave entrance.
"Do not worry about Robb, Kanan Jarrus," the Bendu reassured. "He might be stubborn and sulky, but the fire within him is still there, buried deep underneath."
"It almost sounds like you know him." Kanan inquired.
"I did, once," the Bendu confirmed. "But that is a tale for another time. First, let's start with this." He sensed the Bendu motion to something "I assume that is what you think is keeping the krykna away?"
"The resonator, yes." Kanan nodded, to where he put the resonator in the ground. So far, the tonal metal poles were really the only effective defense against the krykna.
But why wasn't Robb attacked?
As if to answer his question, the Bendu picked up the resonator…and promptly crushed it between two massive fingers.
NO!
"Hey, HEY!" he yelled in desperation. "What did you do?!"
"I am helping you." the Bendu replied calmly.
"That," Kanan seethed, "was the only thing protecting me from those creatures! And you destroyed it!"
"You believe that," the Bendu retorted, "but you must learn to see things differently, now."
Kanan scoffed. "Look, I can't see anything! Not anymore!"
"No." the Bendu gently rebuked him. "You are unwilling."
"Are you saying there's a way to restore my vision?" the Jedi Knight hysterically asked him, though also not without hope.
"Your physical sight…no." The Bendu answered. "That cannot be healed. But I can teach you to see if you are willing to learn."
The Force is the answer, came Bendu's true, mental reply.
Kanan took off his face mask. The world was still grey, but there was a smote of light coming through the greyness He took a deep breath, and faced the mysterious being known as the Bendu.
"What must I do?" he asked his resolution firm and stood. "So, tell me, how must I restore my sight?"
"You must be empty; there is only the Force," Bendu informed him. "Now, turn, and walk forward."
Kanan did so, reluctantly. "I'm not so sure this is a good idea."
"And why not?" the Bendu asked, inquisitively.
"Because of the spiders," Kanan answered, annoyed. "I hear them."
"Ah, so sound relates them to you. What else?" the ancient being asked.
"I can feel them in the ground, their vibrations when they move," the blind knight answered him, still walking forward.
"Indeed, you are perceptive," The Bendu mused. "Are they close?"
Kanan paused for a moment. He didn't sense any krykna around. "No." He answered the Bendu. He was sure of it.
"Continue on then." The Bendu commanded, seemingly satisfied. "How else do you relate to them?"
"From before, in the caves," Kanan answered. He didn't really want to revisit that memory, not when it had almost cost him the lives of his team, most notably Rex's. "A foul smell, old, decayed. It was as if they had the stench of death about them."
"Ahhh…a fascinating description," Bendu replied wistfully. "You see much for being blind."
"Well, that's because I saw them…" Kanan argued. "When I had my sight."
"Then picture them, in your mind," the ancient Force-wielder instructed. "Are they close now?"
"No..." Kanan replied a bit more irritable than he should have. What was the point of all this?
"Are you sure?" Bendu inquired, a knowing edge in his voice. Now Kanan was truly on edge. He reached out with his hand…
…and felt a smooth, hard shell while hearing a frightening clacking sound coming from nibbling beak and mandibles.
Shocked, Kanan backed away. "What should I do?" he asked Bendu, afraid for his life.
"What do you want to do?" Bendu inquired back.
"Run!" was his honest answer, but then he heard a scuffling behind him. "But there's another one behind me."
"Ah-ha!" the Bendu exclaimed! "You are beginning to see! Now, be empty, and continue onward!"
Kanan nodded and gulped, but as he stood still, he noticed something. The krykna, violent, aggressive species that they were, were doing something completely odd.
They were remaining docile- curious if anything.
"Why aren't they attacking me?" he asked, caution and confusion mixing equally in his voice.
"It is not in their nature," the Bendu informed him, to which Kanan again scoffed.
"It has been in my experience," he replied to him, to which he heard Bendu shook his head.
"It is because you do not see them, my Jedi friend. Look closer," he commanded. Kanan shook his own head frantically.
"There's nothing!" he replied. "I can't sense them!"
"Look within," Bendu replied, gently. Kanan redoubled his efforts and deepened his connection to the creature.
"I sense…" he began. "Fear."
"The spider's?" Bendu asked. "Or someone else's, perhaps?"
Kanan looked within himself. He saw faces flashing before him.
Ezra.
Hera.
Sabine.
Zeb.
Chopper.
Robb.
Maul.
Vader.
He saw Ezra falling from a station in the clouds. He saw Atollon base wither and die under the green fire of Imperial cruisers. He saw the cold, calculating face of an Imperial Chiss admiral, clothed in a white uniform, surrounded by various works of art.
"Ezra!" he exclaimed in terror, activating his lightsaber, it's sapphire blue hue beginning to make itself known to him.
"No." he realized. "It's not Ezra, or Robb, or the spiders. It's…me..." Now, the solemn truth rested heavily on him, and the greyness of the world finally peeled back. "That's how they see me. Fear, anger, grief, hatred," he deactivated his saber. "That's how I see myself."
The world, once blurry, became more and more clear, and even though Kanan could no longer see the physical world, he saw the Force itself flowing through everything.
And it was beautiful.
The living Force flowed and ebbed throughout the spiders, the rocks, the sand, and the coral, giving off more vibrant color than anything he ever saw with his real eyes. Sabine would love to see this, he thought wistfully.
"Ah, your sight returns!" the Bendu declared triumphantly.
"I distanced myself from everything. From the Force, from Ezra, and from Hera," he replied, feeling guilty for his actions. Perhaps…though…perhaps what happened on Malachor wasn't his fault, any more than it was Ezra's or Ahsoka's.
Perhaps, he should take his own advice, and forgive himself.
"Your connection to the Force allows you to see in ways that others cannot. If you can see yourself, you will never be truly blind, Kanan Jarrus, Jedi Knight," the Bendu advised him.
Kanan smiled, truly smiled, for the first time in what felt like years. "I understand." He replied, and then turned and began making the trek back to the base, where he saw his family's Force presences beckoning him like a warm light.
"Where are you going?" Bendu asked him, amusement in his voice.
"Home. My family needs me." He replied. By the Force, he would not abandon Hera or Ezra, ever again.
"And what of Robb, hmm?" The Bendu pressed.
"You said it yourself, this is a test he must face alone," Kanan replied, confident that the Grey Wolf, no matter how surly he was, could face whatever Bendu would throw at him.
"And what of the spiders?" the ancient being again pressed.
"I can see them, so there's nothing to fear." the knight replied, his confidence building with every step.
"And what of this?" Bendu asked his final question, holding aloft the Sith Holocron. Kanan stopped, a smirk forming on his features.
"Keep it," he simply replied. "As a gift."
He heard the Bendu's bemused laughter and his soft reply to the Holocron.
"Now, let's go see how Robb is faring in the cave, my friend."
Kanan walked on, his countenance one of determination and confidence.
The world would never be grey for him, again.
A/N: Another chapter is done.
More clues I've dropped in this chapter for the big reveal that's coming up next chapter, which will, of course, be a Robb POV. Why is Sabine singing that song? How does the Bendu know Robb? What is that tree he mentioned? If you know the answer, again, don't put it in the comment section. PM me your guess or answer, and I'll confirm or deny it to you.
Now, I wanted to develop the father/son relationship between Kanan and Ezra in this chapter, as well as throw in some Kanan-x-Hera moments as well. Hope I did alright in that regard.
"It's Always Summer Under the Sea." belongs to Ramin Djawadi, HBO, and George R. R. Martin. I do not claim to own it in any sort of way.
Until next we meet…
