The Melancholy of Mathias Køhler VII - Swedish and Russian Aliens


Mathias never showed up to the clubroom that day.

The next day, I arrived to see a very odd sight indeed. Mathias was slumped over his desk, and Ivan leaning over, concerned. I went over to investigate.

'Ah, good morning,' Ivan said. There was a clear note of worry in his voice, which seemed a little unusual. Then I remembered that he was class president, and being worried was his job. 'Take care of him, da?' He smiled and walked off. Wait, he was just going to leave Mathias depressed on the desk just because I'm here? Oh yeah, I forgot. He thinks I'm Mathias' babysitter.

'So why didn't you show up yesterday? Thought you wanted to review my behaviour?'

'Shut up...' He turned his head to the side. 'I had a review session by myself, ok?'

After a little probing, it transpired that Mathias had gone back to the city yesterday evening and walked the entirety of Saturday's course by himself. Now he was exhausted. You'd think that would be obvious, but...

'Mathias, why don't you just stop searching for things you're never going to find? Just go out and have fun like a normal person.'

'What kinda fun does a normal person have?'

'I dunno, get yourself a date and go walking around looking for mysteries with them or something.'

'Feh. What do I care? Love's just a distraction. I mean, I've got needs, but it's really just a form of mental illness. And if I go dating, what's gonna happen to the SOS Brigade? I only just made it!'

'Change it into a group that just has fun? You'll get way more people coming then.'

'Hell no! That's boring! I mean, I got a cute mascot and a mysterious transfer student, so why is everyone ignoring us? Why can't some weird stuff happen nooooow..?'

'Best not to go asking for trouble like that, da?' Ivan had returned, making me jump. 'Then again, it'd be nice to have something come along and make our lives more fun!'

No response from Mathias. He must be seriously depressed to not respond to a statement like that. Normally he'd be agreeing like crazy... although I must admit, that dejected face is kinda cute.

'Maybe Køhler's in love!' Ivan leaned in annoyingly close to my face.

'Impossible.' Mathias falling in love? Something interesting showing up to keep him happy? Neither of those are going to happen any time soon!

...Is what I thought at the time...


Thing is, while I was talking to Mathias that morning, there was something else on my mind. I'd found a note in my locker, hastily scribbled on a piece of notepaper. It was nothing like Berwald's almost-printed writing, and I doubt Tino would leave a note on that sort of paper. Besides, the note was telling me to meet in my classroom after everyone had left school. Tino would have specified a time, not just 'after everyone has gone'. Mathias wouldn't have gone to the trouble of leaving a note, he'd just drag me off somewhere again. And Eirikur? I really don't think so. He'd probably ask to talk directly. So who could have left it? Maybe Feliks and Toris are playing a practical joke on me. Just have to wait and see, I guess.

I knocked before entering the clubroom, in case I ran into Tino changing again, but Berwald was the only person in the clubroom when I got there. I was reminded of the note he'd left in the book he gave me. I really ought to give him that book back. I don't have any use for it. Then Mathias came storming in, surprisingly not slamming the door as hard as usual. He sat himself down at the computer.

'We seriously need an air conditioner in here, it's so hot!' I was inclined to agree with him for once, but I said nothing. Then I noticed exactly what was on the computer screen. It was those pictures of Tino in the maid dress. And from what I could gather, those pictures were going straight on the Brigade website.

'What the heck are you doing?'

'They're just pictures, Norge.' He picked the monitor up and shoved it in my face. 'Really cute pictures of Tino!'

'I can see that, idiot! What are you doing with them?' Mathias stood up and walked over to the window. I took the opportunity to sit myself at the computer.

'If I put these on the SOS Brigade's website, we'll get plenty of hits!' he continued, not noticing that I was deleting the lot. Well, for a short while, anyway. 'Waaait! Argh, what're ya doing, Norge?'

'I'm getting rid of these photos. I would have thought you'd be able to tell.'

'But why?'

'Because you need to learn this thing called privacy!' If Tino found out that all those pictures were on the internet, he'd faint on the spot. Mathias glared at me as I tried to explain exactly why this was a bad thing. I think I may have got the message across in the end, but damn, it was hard work. Finally, he agreed to let me delete them. Now, at this point, some people would find some private folder on the computer to store the pictures for their own viewing pleasure. But I'm not a pervert, so I deleted them. Ha. Take that, hateful camera.

'That's it, I'm going home.' Mathias, clearly still irritated with me, picked up his stuff and headed straight out of the clubroom. As he opened the door, he almost walked straight into Tino, who had just arrived.

'A-ah, sorry...' Tino stuttered, but Mathias just left without saying anything. He was in a really bad mood, but thankfully not angry.

Nobody did much in the club. Eirikur showed up after a while, but only to announce that he had to go to work and therefore leave early. I wonder what kind of job he's got? Maybe he's a puffin-keeper... We took that as our cue to leave. After all, I had to see who had left that note in my locker. The majority of people would have left school by now, as it was getting fairly late. So late, the sun was setting. It's really odd seeing school at sunset. I headed straight for my classroom, where the note specified.


Well, Ivan Braginsky was the last person I expected to see there.

'Come in, da?' He wandered over to the window. The sky was burnt orange.

'So it was you who left that note?'

'Da. Surprised?' Yes, actually. Very surprised.

'What do you want from me?' I was deliberately as blunt as possible. There was just something about him that I didn't trust at all.

'To talk about something... well, a question about Køhler. What do you think of him?' What do I think of him? And what's everyone's obsession with Mathias? 'They say it's better to regret doing something than to regret not doing it. What do you think?'

'Can't say I've heard people saying that before, but it sounds fairly logical.'

'Well, ok. Say you knew that if you kept everything the same you'd be in trouble, and you didn't have a clue how to make things better. What would you do about that?'

'I'm not sure I follow you. What are you on about?'

'Well, wouldn't you try to change something? Nothing would get better if you stay the same, da?'

'If you put it that way, then yes.'

'Then you agree! But my superiors are stubborn and lack vision. If you do nothing in the field, things go from bad to worse, so surely it's better to force change if you know it's for the best?' ...hang on, what's he saying? Please don't tell me this is one of Feliks' jokes. I wouldn't be surprised if he were hiding somewhere with a camera laughing at me.

He continued. 'I'm getting bored with all of this nothingness. Which is why I'm going to kill you and see how Køhler reacts.' Wha-

is that a pipe? Where in the name of Muspellheim did that come from? And did he just say he was going to kill me? Faen!

'S-stop messing around! You could hurt someone!'

'...you think it's a... joke? You don't want to die? I'm sorry, but your death is necessary for change.'

'It's not necessary at all! Seriously, put that down!' At any other time, this concept would seem ridiculous. But backing away from Ivan, who was wielding a pipe? Not funny at all. I mean, the guy was creepy enough before, but damn...

'Ufu... Whether you care or not, I really want you to die!' Ivan lunged at me again, and I only just managed to dodge the pipe. That was it, I was out of-

what the heck? The door wasn't there any more! The entire wall had been covered with some strange pattern, and any gaps had been sealed off! On all sides of the room, too, so there wasn't even any light left...

'It's useless. Right now, this room is one with me. Nothing can enter, nothing can leave. Ufu...'

Ok, I have no idea what's going on any more. My classmate is trying to kill me with a pipe, for Thor's sake! If anyone has a clue, get the hell over here and explain it to me!

'Just give up. You shall die anyway, so let me kill you.'

'What the hell are you anyway?' Ivan said nothing, just carried on smiling that deranged smile of his. Then a bunch of tables came flying at me, and I barely escaped. Crap. Now I was stuck in a corner, and the 'classroom' was barely recognisable. Wait, a chair! Great! I can use that for something, surely! I dislodged it from a pile of rubble, and launched it straight towards Ivan.

'Nyet. Don't forget, this room is one with me.' He'd somehow raised a shield, and that chair certainly wasn't making any contact. Shit! Ivan was going to kill me to see how Mathias would react? How the fuck does that work?

'Ufu... I should have done this from the start, da?' Huh- I can't move! That's just not fair! 'Your death is the perfect way to make Mathias Køhler react. Finally, I shall observe an explosion of data. It's a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.' You don't say! He raised his pipe high in the air. 'And now, die!' Shit-

A massive explosion came from the side of the room, obscuring my view. And with bits of wall flying everywhere? That hurt! Huh... I can move again!

Then I noticed what had arrived in front of me. Or rather, who had arrived.

Berwald Oxenstierna was holding off Ivan's pipe.

'There are flaws in your programming,' he began. 'Your data-shutdown 'n spatial blockades're faulty. 't's how I detected you. How I was allowed inside.'

'You stopped me?' For the first time, Ivan had stopped smiling. 'But if I kill this human, Mathias Køhler will do something interesting!'

'You're my backup unit. 's not your job to act on your own.' Berwald's voice seemed... harder, somehow. 'You obey my orders.'

'And if I say no?'

'Your data link will be terminated.'

'Ufu... like to try? I have the upper hand. This space is one with me.'

'Commence r'quest for data link termination.' And with that, Ivan's pipe began to disappear. Shocked, Ivan jumped backwards. Really high. And giggled. That was about the point where I realised that these two really weren't human...

Stretching his hand out, Ivan unleashed a blast of energy straight towards Berwald. Berwald raised his own hand to shield us both. 'Stay b'hind me,' he commanded, and he grabbed me by my collar and threw me downwards. Something exploded to the left of me.

'You cannot defeat me in this space!' Ivan shrieked.

Berwald muttered something unintelligible. And by unintelligible, I mean it was way too fast to be produced by any mouth... any human mouth, that is. 'Name: Ivan Br'ginsky. Term'nating link to organic lifeform.'

'I'll stop your functions before that happens!' Ivan looked completely demented, and the apparitions flitting from side to side certainly didn't help. Oh, did I mention that the classroom had been reduced to some psychedelic swirling mass? I tried to get up in order to get away, but Berwald swung his leg around, kicking me in the face and sending me flying. Still, rather a hurting face than death, as these explosions seemed to be becoming fairly common...

'Ufu... how long can you last if you protect him while fighting me?' A chorus of low voices had started, chanting the same word over and over. The word? 'Kol'. Ivan launched an array of... something straight at me. Berwald nimbly dodged another series of explosions and put up another shield. As he landed, Ivan sent a bunch of metal spikes in my direction. This guy was serious! Berwald jumped straight in front of me-

and got impaled by every single one of those spikes.

Shit.

His glasses falling off were the least of his worries. Those spikes were now covered in his blood! Nobody could survive-

'Stay where you are. 'm fine.' Well, you don't look fine! Berwald took hold of one of the spikes and simply pulled it out, letting it drop to the floor with a clang.

'Ufu... with that much damage, you won't be able to interfere with any more data. Now you die!' Ivan had transformed his arms into blades, and sent them straight through Berwald's torso, splattering my face with his blood. Berwald was lifted into the air.

'...'t's over.' Berwald muttered.

'Your life for the last three years?' Ivan's creepy smile had returned.

'Nej. Commence term'nation of data link.' He'd... done it? The debris from the chairs and tables started to dissolve away into nothingness, and once again the surroundings changed.

'N... nyet! I-it can't be!' Ivan released the armblades just as they began to vanish.

'You were'n advanced interface. 's why it took so long. But 't's over now.' Berwald's feet returned to the ground. The spikes had gone, as had the blades.

'You modified your program? I thought you seemed weak... that's why you used all of your attack data at the start, da?' Ivan shook his head. 'What a shame... I was just a backup interface after all, da... I thought this was my chance to make something happen...' His eyes met mine. Just as demented as before, but as his limbs were disappearing... 'Looks like I lost, da? Aren't you happy you get to live a bit longer? Ufu... you'd better be careful, though. There are more interfaces out there, and I'm sure at least one will be seeking radical change too. Until then, enjoy your time with Mathias Køhler. Da svedanya... ufu!' As he spoke those last few words, Ivan Braginsky vanished completely. Berwald collapsed to the floor.

'B-Berwald! I'll get some help!' I shouted.

'Nej. My physical injuries're not critical. Space needs to be corrected first.' With one last explosion, the classroom was restored to its former glory. And I never thought 'classroom' and 'glory' would go together in the same sentence before, but after an event like that, any normality is gladly welcomed.

'...Are you sure you're ok?' I asked. Berwald simply nodded.

'Repair in progress-' Berwald stopped, feeling his face.

'What's wrong?'

'F'rgot to recreate the glasses.'

'Oh, ok. You probably should. Not that I have a glasses fetish or anything, you just look much better with glasses.'

'...what's a glasses fetish?'

Eh? He... didn't know? He took all that time to research how clubs worked, school uniform, all the crap like that, and yet knowing that he was at a high school, didn't research fetishes? '...It's nothing, really. Forget it.'

'I... see.'

The door opened behind me. Who should walk in but Feliks, humming a merry tune to himself? Well... if you could see how Berwald and I were positioned, you'd most likely react in the same way as Feliks. That would be... thinking we'd been doing something dirty.

'U-uh, ok... Take your time!' Feliks yelled, before running out of there as fast as he could.

''nteresting human.' Berwald commented. I laughed.

'Oh, what are we going to do...'

'Leave it t' me. 'm an expert at controlling data. 'll make it so Ivan Braginsky suddenly transfers.' That's not what I was talking about... Well, as for the last ten minutes? I think it's safe to say that was most definitely not normal. I think it's also safe to say that I believe Berwald's story now. And that incident made me realise just what danger feels like.

So yeah, I think unless the Data Integration Thought Entity has an office in Stockholm, Berwald isn't actually from Sweden. But it's a pretty good coverup, nonetheless.


A/N: Le gasp! Incredibly quick update!

To tell the truth, I'd written this scene beforehand. And it was a lot of fun. [And sorry, but the 'one with Russia' line was too perfect to pass up.]

Future Finland shows up next chapter! Woohoo!

Until next time, da svedanya~