My work has been extremely demanding these last few weeks so I apologize for the delay in posting this. Thank you for being patient and for taking the time to review.
Dreams of Love
Chapter 7: Nightmares Past
Meredith sat in one of the hard plastic chairs just outside Derek's scrub room. She closed her eyes as she waited for him, feeling the familiar intern exhaustion sweep over her. Her stomach was aching slightly with a combination of hunger and anxiety, and yet she was filled with fangirl excitement to see Derek. She laid her head back as her thoughts darted around powered by the maelstrom of her emotions.
Earlier, Meredith had pushed her way through the crowded gallery of the twins separation surgery to get near her friends on the second row. There had been standing room only, because of the extreme rarity of the procedure and the convention of surgeons. The floor of the surgery was elbow to elbow with those lucky enough to be on the surgical team. Just as Meredith got near her friends, Dr. Bailey called up to the gallery for Dr. Stevens to report to the OR for Dr. Sloan. Meredith was able to snag Izzie's chair just as the ecstatic girl scrambled to her feet and headed for surgery.
"Meredith, I'm scrubbing in!" Izzie had bubbled as she passed by.
"Good for you, Iz!" Meredith had cheered her. Izzie was ready to move on to the next step in her recovery of her place in the program. Getting down to the OR floor, even if she couldn't hold an instrument was a big part of that.
Mer had watched the incredible surgery below her in awe-struck disbelief. There were initially three teams of surgeons; the plastic surgeons, the neurosurgeons, and the gastrointestinal surgeons. Later the teams would split in two, as after the twins were separated there would be two surgeries instead of one. Both twins would have to have temporary colostomies, which could hopefully be reversed at a later time.
The neurosurgical portion was exceedingly complex. Once again Meredith was reminded that Shepherd was brilliant and amazingly skilled. Dr. Shepherd and his team of surgeons had to separate the myriad of nerves going to each twin's legs. He'd already been operating steadily, patiently for eight hours when Meredith joined the gallery. His blue and white ferry boat patterned scrub cap was darkened with sweat even though the OR was icy cold.
Meredith's mind leapt to the following morning when it would be her Papà Guiseppe under Derek's skilled scalpel. He just couldn't die. He was an incredible human being who had so much life left to live. She'd already experienced his loss once and the terrible consequences of that loss in her own life. Meredith's eyes glazed over and she shivered as if she too were in the icy cold. It had been cold in the dark red brick cellar. Her stomach ached and churned as the memories surfaced after such a long hiatus.
Ellis had wanted to take the position at Mayo. Giordano wanted to stay in Rome. He couldn't drop everything in his complex world to go haring off to Minnesota with her. She refused to stay centered in Rome. For Ellis it was a no-brainer, between a husband and a career move, she'd take the career move hands down. Arguments escalated until one day she packed for a trip to Greece and never came back. Legal papers were served and the servants were asked to pack the rest of her things.
Almost as an afterthought Ellis sent Meredith to the boarding school in Switzerland. Meredith was told nothing except that there was going to be a divorce and this was her school now. Although in a spectacularly beautiful setting and in a lovely weathered old chalet, the school was the gateway to Hell for Meredith. "La Chalet du Charon", named only in Meredith's teenage melodramatic mind for the ferryman who ushered condemned souls across the river Acheron into Hell, was a horrible place staffed by prune-mouthed dried up female dictators who hated Americans and teenagers. Thank God she already had Italian and French as well as English, it would have been worse for her otherwise.
The first week there, Meredith had waited expectantly for her Papà Guiseppe to come get her. She sneaked away every chance she got and phoned repeatedly. Her cellular phone and all phone cards were consequently removed from her possession and she was put in Coventry (no one allowed to speak to her or acknowledge her in any way) after a public denouncement, for the next week. At that, some cautious, dark place in Meredith insisted she stash the credit cards, jewelry and cash she'd had on her, when she was taken by Charon, in two hiding places on the grounds. She also hid a warm, black sweatshirt and jeans under her coat on a hanger. She tucked sneakers in her parka's large zip front pockets. She bought non-perishable food, a large bottle of water and stashed them where she could. She'd give it a week and if she hadn't heard anything she'd go home by herself.
Surgeons leaving the scrub room jostled for space next to Meredith, bumping her hard and snapping her out of her achy fugue. She spread her coat over her legs and leaned her head back against the wall again, patiently waiting for her guy. He had been heroic today. She had watched him perform miracle after miracle for the twins. They would be able to walk because of Dr. Shepherd. Meredith sighed. She wanted more than anything to be a surgeon of his caliber.
Meredith blushed now as she remembered her undisguised fangirl infatuation when he stepped away from the table, stretched out his back and neck, and glanced into the gallery, unerringly spotting her amidst the crowd. His eyes twinkled at her over his mask. She could tell he was pleased she was there. The small, silly boy-girl interaction was exactly what they both needed to pick them up. Yes, Derek was the head of neurosurgery, performing arduous extensive surgery that day, but just for a moment all he really was, was a boy in love.
Meredith caught his eye once more an hour later and waved goodbye. He acknowledged her with a slight incline of his head. She'd stood and weaved her way out of the crowded gallery. She had afternoon labs and films to deliver, plus she was hungry. She'd grab a late snack in the dining mall before running all over the hospital again.
The door to the scrub room opened again and Meredith looked up expectantly. Two scrub nurses and a tech came out. There was still no sign of Derek. If he was much longer she'd have to resort to the health bar she had in her pocket for calories and, man, she hated those things. Meredith turned sideways and wadded her purse under her head, covering up with her coat. Her eyelids were too heavy to hold open.
Meredith's tired mind drifted to Cristina sitting by herself in the dining mall, staring into nothing. She hadn't even flinched when Meredith joined her.
"Cristina, are you okay?" Meredith had unwrapped a sandwich.
"I saved him, Mer. Things got bad in Mr. O'Malley's valve replacement and I saved him... and... well... Hahn was there too," Cristina had been slightly shell-shocked.
"What happened?" Meredith had eaten the sandwich as quickly as she could.
"I knew what to do. I knew what to do to help Dr. Hahn because of what I did with Burke. George's dad has a new heart valve and he made it through, Meredith," Cristina had finally turned and looked at her friend.
"Well then, something good has come out of that whole mess. Maybe Mr. O'Malley will make it now. Maybe he can beat the cancer," Meredith had speculated, eating an apple.
"Bailey is still furious and Burke isn't speaking to me. George hates me and the model twins won't leave it alone. But... it's still better than I thought it would be... I got a surgery," Cristina had looked miserably at Meredith.
"Everything's going to be okay, Cristina. Burke loves you."
"You don't know that. You didn't see his face when he slammed the door in my face." Cristina had sunk back into a depressed silence.
"I believe it Cristina. If Derek could come back to me after five horrible months, if my Papà Guiseppe could come back into my life after twelve lonely years, then I believe Burke loves you enough to get over it."
Cristina had scowled at Mer incredulously, "I liked you better before, when you were miserable and pining for McDreamy. Besides, your Papà Guiseppe may die tomorrow, Meredith. Then, you'll have all that heartache all over again. It would have been better if he got the surgery and lived first, before coming to see you, than putting you through all this. And McDreamy could turn into a jerk again at any minute, he's a man."
"Cristina, Derek isn't a jerk. He wasn't one before. He had to try again with Addison or he wouldn't be the person I love. He had no intention of going back to her when he dated me. It all just happened that way."
"Meredith, for a mostly dark and twisty person you can be ridiculously naive," Cristina had said morosely.
"Cristina, I have to go check on the baby in the NICU and then it's lab deliveries again for me. See you later." Meredith had completely ignored her friend's predictions of gloom. She knew Derek was there for her. He loved her. He wasn't going anywhere and he would never behave like a jerk to her. He was her McDreamy.
Meredith had lightly climbed the stairs to the NICU. She'd stepped forward and come to an abrupt halt as she saw her father through the glass walls. His face had been suffused with love. He'd cooed to the baby in the incubator and stroked her tiny arm with one finger. It had been apparent he already adored her. Meredith had tried to be okay and just wasn't. She'd been a total Daddy's girl until she was five. She thought she was a princess and her Daddy was her prince. He'd been her primary caregiver, with her through all the ups and downs of infancy and toddlerhood through kindergarten. Ellis had been a distant cold figure, always in a rush and smelling of disinfectant soap. Then Thatcher was gone. Meredith had learned in no uncertain terms that she was no princess and her father was no prince.
With Papà Guiseppe being here the contrast to Ellis and Thatcher that he presented was heartbreaking. Thatcher never once fought for Meredith. Guiseppe fought the courts of two countries, his family and his ex-wife. Thatcher seemed to easily replace her with a new family, Guiseppe never did. Meredith believed Thatcher didn't love her any more and didn't want her in his life. Guiseppe loved her and wanted to spend his last days with her if the surgery didn't go well.
Even so, watching Thatcher with Laura, Meredith had missed her father all over again. She'd been ashamed to realize she'd envied the baby her father's attention, yet she knew she'd be terribly uncomfortable if he suddenly gave her his attention. She had Guiseppe, what did she need with Thatcher? She'd wanted her father to love her and she'd also wanted her father to go away. She'd felt pulled through an old fashioned wringer. He'd brought up emotions and memories she pushed away with both hands. She also felt very weird about the baby, herself. If things had been different, Laura would have been Meredith's first niece. All the confused, mixed up feelings were driving her crazy.
Enough, enough, a sleep deprived, worried Meredith now told herself, jerking her thoughts away from all this. She had a real father who was going in for brain surgery tomorrow. She'd think about Guiseppe and the great times they'd had together. She'd rest until Derek was finished.
Thatcher and his family are not my business, Meredith firmly told herself again. Thatcher and she were only in the same place at the same time in Seattle Grace Hospital through coincidence, not through her birth father's choice. Meredith firmly closed her eyes again and tried to breathe in peace. Her mind, however, was more interested in poking at her sore places than letting her rest.
Ambivalence set aside for the moment, Meredith had forced herself to walk into the NICU and ignore Thatcher's bumbling embarrassment. She'd focused on the baby and checked all her vitals, not because she'd been the intern assigned to Laura, but because no matter what all her inner talk said she had to know for herself that the baby was sound. When she'd been satisfied, she'd left, still ignoring Thatcher, barely polite. Thatcher had stood watching Meredith until she was out of sight, an unfathomable expression on his face.
Now, Meredith's tired body couldn't hold out any longer. She drooped against her handbag and slept. Her lashes lay in long fans against her soft alabaster cheeks. A single golden honey strand of hair clung to her bottom lip. Meredith had long since discovered the intern trick of sleeping anywhere, anytime, anyhow.
At first, Meredith's subconscious mind let her rest. Her body molded in an odd S curve to the plastic chair and the wall and handbag behind her. Then, the multiple anxieties of the last few days began to mount and coalesce into part two of Meredith's worst nightmare. A frown flashed across her mobile little face and she moaned softly under her breath. A brick red haze filled Meredith's dream sight and hunger pains racked her small frame. Her body's very real hunger amplified the nightmarish, starvation hunger.
No, please, let me out... no... no.
She was underground... she couldn't get out. She tried. She chiseled... screamed... dug... banged... pleaded. Nothing helped... nothing. She was trapped... alone, day and night, in the stench filled dark... starving.
"No, no... help me! Papà Guiseppe!" Her mind screamed but her voice was barely above a whisper. Meredith was lost in a labyrinth of misery, dark and hungry and cold.
The two chauvinistic old hags who founded and ran the boarding school that Ellis condemned her sixteen year old daughter to, deeply resented a child who was seemingly so spoiled and privileged. They despised Americans, but hypocritically kept it hidden behind polite faces in adult company, since they didn't despise the dollar. They felt the way to create a polite, regimented adult was to crush the teenage spirit, particularly in girls, before any unseemly traits (like a sense of humor) could even begin to form. High spirited Meredith, of course, thought the school a Tower of Torture and the two founders, Fräulein Richter and Fräulein Hoffman, wicked witches.
Richter took deep personal offense over Meredith's multiple, creative escapes from custody. She severely resented the resourcefulness, intelligence, and aplomb the child displayed. Meredith's sadness and grief were seen as character weaknesses. Fräulein Richter and Fräulein Hoffman could not understand Meredith, so they hated her. Each time the girl was returned they escalated the public humiliation and punishment. They used hateful, hurtful rhetoric, going so far as to make Meredith wear a placard around her neck saying in French, Italian and German "détritus, rifiuti, Abfall" (trash, trash, trash). Her musician's hands were caned bloody and then she was made to write thousands of lines in Latin and Greek. Hunger became a constant companion and she learned to ignore her need for food, while she knelt in supposed humble penitence for hours. Her body weight dropped and she experienced her first bout of stomach and intestinal stress. She was isolated, ignored, and despised by virtually everyone at Charon. Until one dark night, Meredith was brought back to the school by two bodyguards, never to see her Italian home again.
Papà Guiseppe's father and two of his uncles had finally chosen to confront the impetuous young girl. They had taken turns telling her in harsh Italian that they didn't want her. She wasn't family. She was a selfish, stupid, fatherless brat, who was ruining Guiseppe's life. Moreover, she was costing them a fortune. Her mother was a whore in their eyes, and they wanted her to learn, once and for all, that no one in Rome welcomed her. Go, and never come back, whore's daughter.
Defeated, Meredith had entered her prison, knowing she was here to stay this time. One look at Fräulein Richter's face and Meredith knew the woman was pushed over some invisible edge. Without a word, she cruelly yanked Meredith's arm nearly out of socket, forcing her to follow. Meredith numbly trailed the hag, unable to care about her fate. She would never see her Papà Guiseppe again. She was alone. They wound around and around, deeper and deeper into the bowels of the school, where students weren't allowed. Fräulein Richter had the night watchman pry open the door to an unused cellar. She thrust Meredith down the uneven stone steps into the cold, dank, dark and slammed the door shut.
The clang of a gurney rattling over a seam in the floor jerked Meredith awake with a scream.
"Sh, sh, sweetheart, you're safe, I'm with you," Derek gathered his woman into his strong arms and held her close, kissing her soft cheek. At first, when he'd seen her sleeping in such an unlikely configuration, he'd grinned and thought about teasing her with the well known propensity for interns to sleep through anything. Then he realized she was wildly whimpering German in fear. Another nightmare racked her inner landscape. He'd just started towards her when the gurney rattling down the hall woke her abruptly.
"D...Derek? Derek? You're here! You're here with me," Meredith's voice was young and full of tears, "I was all alone."
"Of course I am, where else would I be?" Derek frowned at how trembling cold her body was, "Come on, pretty girl, you're frozen and you must be starved. So am I." Derek gently lifted Meredith to her feet and eased her into her coat. He tucked Meredith under his arm and started walking down the hall to his office.
"Dr. Shepherd, any other orders for Twin B?" Dr. Karev called after him.
Derek paused and swung around, a wide eyed Mer still safely tucked against him.
"No, page Dr. Aramba if there is a need. He's on call tonight," Derek's voice changed slightly, becoming more man to man, less attending to intern, "Meredith was having a nightmare again. The second in two days. Her stepfather has surgery tomorrow. I need to be with her tonight. Page me only after you've exhausted every other avenue if something happens."
"Yes, sir," Alex cocked his head and smiled winningly at Meredith, "Hey, Genie Eyes, it's going to be okay."
"I know, Alex. It wasn't okay. And now it is," Meredith looked trustingly up at Derek.
This was a rather difficult chapter to write. I like to sit and write from beginning to end of a thought with no interruptions or delays. For this chapter, I was eking out ten minutes here and five minutes there for days, never allowed to finish a single thought completely. I think that resulted in a certain choppiness to the tale that I don't think is usually present in my writing. I tried to smooth it out but am uncertain if it worked.
In addition, the subject matter of child abuse is very much something I have worked with daily for years. I didn't expect it to be so hard to write. I didn't expect it would bring up so much emotion for me that I couldn't remain objective about the writing itself. Ugh! I couldn't judge the quality of the story anymore due to the emotions. I hope it still has excellence, because that is important to me.
Also, the last episodes of Season 3 have been very disturbing and irritating to a Merek shipper as you all probably know. In my AU, I follow the premise that Derek LOVES Meredith. They are soul mates. They are meant to be together. I know they are Shonda's characters, but aren't they ours too?
