A/N: It's been pointed out that my description of an ICU is not necessarily correct for US hospitals. I have tried to Americanise where I can, but for this part, I am describing what an Australian ICU unit looks like - the ones I've seen anyway. I guess it would vary from hospital to hospital.
(Edward's POV)
I tried to slow my pace to match Carlisle's. I wanted to jump out of my skin, I was so anxious to see Bella. Thankfully, we reached the ICU relatively quickly. It wasn't located too far from the surgical suites, which made sense.
I let Carlisle do the talking with the night charge nurse, in case my not quite right demeanour scared her off. He used the same persuasive tone that he'd taken with the nurse who'd come to check on my outburst in the waiting room. He didn't hesitate to inform her of his credentials, and I could see the plan that was formulating in his mind as he spoke with her, gently convincing her to let us both sit with Bella despite the unsociable hour. Dr. Cooper had kept his word, and Nurse Higgins, according to her name tag, had been expecting us, but she was hesitant to let us both in at the same time. She was a stickler for the rules, but it only took a moment of Carlisle's much practised charm to win her over.
She led us through a large, open plan room filled with many beds; state of the art medical equipment allocated to each one. I noticed it was almost at capacity with critically ill patients, each suffering in their own way, filling most of the beds. Curtains separated each of the beds, giving the patients a modicum of privacy from each other. But nurses' stations were scattered throughout the space, ensuring a line of sight with every patient at all times, thanks to the much higher nurse to patient ratio afforded by the Intensive Care Unit.
I smelled Bella before I saw her, although her scent was still wrong. But there was that unmistakable note of freesia, and I instantly knew it was her. She was located at the far end corner of the room. A wall was to one side of her while the bed next to hers was empty. This pleased me, though I'm not exactly sure why. The sight of her caught me by complete surprise, and I thought my legs might falter again. Carlisle reached out a reassuring hand to steady me. I had seen her though the surgeons' eyes, but that mental image didn't accurately capture the reality of the situation. The many hours of surgery had allowed her bruising to blossom.
Her face was remarkably pale, that is, where it wasn't red and purple from bruising and swelling. Her right eye was puffy and nearly swelled shut. Discoloration extended along her cheek and jaw line, on the right side of her face. She was bandaged around her head, extra gauze padding secured at the back where I'd seen her hit the corner of the wall. Another gauze pad protruded from under the bandage at her forehead, where she'd obviously required further stitching. Her long beautiful hair fell across her pillow, and I noticed that it was clean. They'd washed the blood out. I didn't know they'd do that. There was tubing in her mouth connected to a machine that was breathing for her. The pumps hissed and whirred as they moved up and down, filling with oxygen, then pressing it out and into Bella's lungs.
There was very little skin that wasn't bandaged. Some of the smaller cuts were left uncovered, and I could see the black stitching neatly forcing her wounded skin back together. There were smaller nicks all over that didn't require stitching, where fragments of mirror had been imbedded. Her right arm was secured in thick plaster at a right angle, her protruding fingers nearly all blackened with further bruising. Her plastered arm was suspended slightly above her body by a sling attached to overhead railings, keeping the weight off her broken ribs and punctured lung I supposed. Her left arm lay limply by her side, thick bandaging covering where James had bitten her. Tubes were inserted at the top of her hand that snaked towards various IV bags and pieces of medical equipment. She was still receiving blood transfusions, which explained her not quite-Bella smell. Her two last fingers were taped and splinted together. Her index finger was covered by a device that fed into a monitor tracking her vital statistics. The rest of her arm was covered in deep bruising, and more cuts, some requiring stitches, some not.
Escaping from the top of her hospital gown, were wires that also fed into the monitor, her slow, steady, heartbeats being tracked with a ceaseless beeping from the machine. From the unnatural bulge under her blanket, I could tell that her left leg was encased in plaster from the top of her thigh to her foot. The lower half of her right leg was uncovered. It was also plastered, but it was shorter, starting at just below her knee, so it looked like a thick, white boot. It was carefully suspended by a sling, much like her arm, to take pressure off her shattered ankle, I surmised. Where her blankets didn't quite cover, I could see more bruising and cuts extending up her right thigh. My mind raced back to that appalling scene on the tape, and I guessed their cause. I trembled at the memory, and a profound sorrow settled over me. I tried to shake it off. Now wasn't the time to get lost in that mine field of emotions.
I could only imagine what trauma I couldn't see hidden beneath her blankets and hospital gown. I knew her abdomen and chest hadn't fared any better than the rest of her.
All in all, it was a frightening and disturbing sight. She looked so tiny and frail. The only bulk to her was the plaster casts covering her arm and both legs. But she was alive, and I held onto that.
Carlisle was reviewing her medical chart. "She's doing very well so far, Edward. Her readings are all normal. I know it looks bad, and honestly, I can't even say it looks worse than it is. But Bella's a fighter. She's proven that."
I accepted his comfort with a nod, but it didn't do much to ease my disquiet. No, he couldn't tell me that it looked worse than it really was. It looked exactly like what it was. She had been tortured and violated, and she was in critical condition. I still didn't know if I was going to lose her.
I wanted to touch her, to comfort her, but I wasn't sure where. She was so damaged! I decided her left side was the only place I could safely get close to, so I moved one of the visitor's chairs to be next to her. I sat, leaning onto her bed, my face next to hers, and my hands carefully wrapped around her left arm. And that's where I stayed for the rest of the night and all day, only moving when necessary to allow the nursing staff to check on her, or to feign bathroom breaks to keep up my charade, which I greatly resented. I hated leaving Bella's side, even for a minute.
Apart from reminding me to fidget and move occasionally to keep up appearances, Carlisle barely spoke to me that whole time, letting me alone with my thoughts, as I touched Bella as much as I dared. In spite of the less than ideal circumstances, I felt calmer just being with her. I'd missed her since she'd left with Alice and Jasper to escape him, and being without her was unbearably difficult. I didn't let my mind wander to the possibility of losing her permanently. That simply wasn't an option.
The day progressed slowly, but uneventfully, thankfully, which under the circumstances was the very best I could hope for. It was a great relief to see her through my own eyes, and touch her with my own hands, rather than searching the minds of strangers to check on her condition. Compared to the horrors of the ballet studio and that detestable tape, being here with Bella like this was bliss. I let myself hope. She was still surviving. She was still hanging on.
Her injuries were atrocious, but at least she wasn't in pain, yet! I knew when she woke that the pain would begin, but still, I so very much did want her to wake up. Selfishly, I missed looking into her eyes, always so full of expression and teasing me with her hidden thoughts. I wondered what I'd see in those eyes when she awakened and remembered. I ached at the thought of what she had yet to face. But I would do everything I could to help ease her pain - whatever it took.
I suspected that for Bella, the emotional pain was going to be worse than her physical pain. But I was determined to heed Emmett's advice. He was right, about all of it. My own guilt was endless, but nothing about Bella had changed for me. She was still my Bella. And I loved her deeply and endlessly. If anything, the strength and bravery that she'd shown throughout this nightmare made me love her even more. I was so very proud of her - and that is what Bella would see in me when she woke up.
As twilight was approaching, I heard Alice's thoughts. "We're on our way, Edward, and no-one better try to stop me seeing Bella!." I smiled. My sister was so very kind. She'd just received the biggest news of her life, and she was still more concerned about Bella. I lifted my head from Bella's bed, and Carlisle was pulled from his thoughts. As he sat quietly, he had been contemplating the coming weeks. He'd finally decided on his course of action.
"They're on their way," I told him, "and Alice isn't taking 'no' for an answer. She wants to see Bella." Carlisle smiled and nodded. He knew that my sister was a force of nature. When she made up her mind about something, it was best to keep out of her way.
"When will you make the arrangements?" I asked.
"Tonight, if I can," he said, not bothering to explain. He knew I'd seen it all. "Dr. Cooper will be in the ER soon, and I intend to raise it with him then, to get the ball rolling. Then I'll contact the hospital in Forks, and call Esme and our lawyer. He's accustomed to strange requests at odd hours from the Cullens! Are you okay with my decision?"
How could he even ask? Carlisle truly was my father in every way that mattered. He was here when I needed him most, putting his own life on hold to help Bella, a girl he now loved as his own simply because I loved her. He had made the decision to stay in Phoenix with Bella and me for as long as necessary. He planned to request a leave of absence from the Forks Community Hospital, and take on a temporary ER night shift position here, so he could be close and stay appraised of Bella's condition. He also intended to start legal proceedings to obtain guardianship of Bella. At seventeen, she was considered a minor in Arizona. Given her serious condition, it was likely she would need to remain in the hospital for an extended time. So Carlisle wanted to ensure that there were no difficulties pertaining to her ongoing care due to her lack of guardianship and insurance. He wanted to take care of everything, including the cost, which would be exorbitant. Bella would have the best care possible, and he would be in charge of making all her medical decisions.
"Thank you doesn't seem enough," I said gratefully. "I know how difficult it will be for you to be away from Esme."
"Edward, we are family. Where else would I be? I know Esme feels the same way. I told you that we would help Bella get through this, son, and we will. She needs you, and you need me, so here we will stay, for as long as it takes." He paused briefly, then added, "And I intend to keep my word to Charlie. I won't let him down again."
I shared his anguish on that last point. We had both given our word to Charlie Swan that we would love and protect his daughter. And Carlisle felt as I did, that we had failed miserably. I was saddened that Carlisle had taken so much blame on himself. After all, this was my fault, not his. But according to my family, I was quite the expert on misplaced guilt, so I let it go, knowing that nothing I said could assuage his own guilt.
As for Carlisle's plans, I was greatly appreciative. It was comforting to know he would be close by. The hold on my composure felt tenuous at best. But Carlisle would be the voice of reason when I felt my sanity failing me. And more than that, he was making it possible for me to be with Bella, focusing only on her, without calling any undue attention to myself. I was to be the ER doctor's twenty year old, medical student son, keeping a bedside vigil for his critically injured fiancée. No-one would question me, and I would be afforded more leeway than other visitors, because of Carlisle's connection to the hospital. The charade was already set in motion.
"They're here," I announced a few minutes later. Carlisle immediately went to greet Alice, Jasper, and Emmett, who were all eager to hear the latest news on Bella's condition. They all knew how reluctant I was to leave her side, so it was Carlisle who gave up his place to allow Alice in.
"Oh, Edward," Alice wailed. "She looks so, so broken." She immediately chastised herself for her negativity, not wanting to make me feel worse than I already did.
"It's okay, Alice," I said soothingly. "She is broken. It's difficult seeing her like this. I feel so...."
"Helpless!" Alice finished.
Yes, once again, helpless was exactly the right word to describe how I was feeling - how we were all feeling.
Alice stroked Bella's face gently, cooing at her like a mother might to comfort her child. It was a tender scene, and once again I was reminded of my sister's inherent goodness. I resumed my position, carefully cradling Bella's left arm, placing my face as close to hers as I could. We stayed like that, unmoving for a time, neither of us wanting to leave Bella while still so fearful of losing her.
Emmett's thoughts intruded noisily. "Tell Alice to get her skinny butt out here. It's my turn to see Bella!" My eyes widened in surprise.
"What is it?" Alice demanded, her voice slightly shrill with alarm.
"Emmett! He wants to see Bella!" I couldn't keep the surprise from my voice. Instinctively, I looked upwards to the IV bag of blood at Bella's side, and followed it's trail down the long narrow tubing and into Bella's hand. "I'm not sure it's such a good idea," I said, concerned.
"He's desperate to see her, Edward. You should have seen him at the hotel. I thought he'd wear out the carpet he was pacing so much. He's morphed into uber, freaky, big brother mode." She chuckled at her own thought.
"Well, okay, I guess. But what about the blood transfusion? Can he handle that?" I asked nervously. All this vampiric love for my human girlfriend was suddenly starting to make me feel a little uneasy and over protective, even though I knew my family didn't truly warrant the concern.
"Relax, Edward. It's all good. Emmett knows it's going to be difficult, and believe me, he doesn't intend to linger. He just wants to see her for himself before we leave. Tonight actually," she said regretfully. "I really don't want to go, you know, but it's probably for the best. It makes more sense for us to get back to school, keep up the charade and all that. And there's something I want to help Esme with," Alice announced suspiciously. She'd already started doing physics calculations in her mind to block me when I tried to see what she meant. I moved on, unable to keep my thoughts from Bella for very long.
"And Jasper?" I asked warily. "Does he want to see Bella before you leave, too?"
"As a matter of fact, he does want to see her. Very much so. We're all really worried about her. You have to accept it, Edward. She's family now, and even though she's human, none of us would harm her. But Jasper knows it's probably not a good idea to try and see her just yet," she sighed. Jasper's control issues were hard on all of us, especially Alice. She knew he would follow her anywhere, but sometimes she felt badly for forcing him into a lifestyle she knew he struggled with so much. "He's getting better though, Edward. We passed a room where some poor soul's stitches didn't hold, and he was bleeding from his stomach. Even I got a shock and had to stop breathing, but Jasper just kept on walking. He barely even considered finishing him off," she said proudly.
I admired her devotion, but I wasn't sorry Jasper had decided to skip visiting Bella for now. The smell of fresh blood was particularly pungent in the ICU, the patients' wounds almost all recently inflicted.
"Well, I'd better get out there before Emmett gets too anxious. I wouldn't want to be responsible for setting an angry grizzly bear loose in the hospital," she giggled, then sighed again. "Be well, Bella." She kissed Bella on the cheek so delicately I'm not sure Bella would have felt it even if she were awake. Then she hugged me good-bye. "Be strong, Edward. She needs you to be her rock, no pun intended," she said with a twinkle in her eyes. And then she was gone.
It only took moments for Emmett to replace her. I could hear his silent complaints as he grumbled about Alice taking so long. "Oh crap! That bastard!" Emmett snarled, startled at the sight of Bella.
"I know," I said quietly, trying not to let Emmett's internal monologue overwhelm the fragile hold I had on my emotions. The profanities and abuse he aimed at James were all warranted though.
"Geez, I'm sorry, Edward. She looks, well, bad!" He took in the whole scene then. He stared angrily at the respirator that was forcing Bella's lungs to function artificially, moving then to the monitor, taking in the steady beeping that emulated her heart beat. Then his eyes settled on the IV bag now half filled with blood. He followed it's trail down the tubing and into Bella's hand and then gulped.
"Thanks for coming, Emmett. I know Bella would appreciate it. I appreciate it. But maybe it's time to go," I said nervously. But he surprised me by regaining control almost immediately. He averted his gaze then, purposefully ignoring the blood and focusing on Bella's face. His face held a pained expression, then he huffed angrily. "Yeah, I'd better go. They're waiting for me. We're catching a plane back tonight. I just wanted to see her for myself," he moaned. "Hang tough, Edward. She needs you. She really needs you," he said, as he immersed me in his bear like embrace.
"Thank you, Emmett," I said gratefully. Of everyone, Emmett's reaction was the most astounding. He was so protective of Bella now. He really thought of her as his little sister. I wondered how Rosalie was going to react to this new development.
He stomped off then, his shoulders slightly slumped. "If I'd known, I'd have ripped his pecker off with my bare hands, and shoved it down his throat before I ripped his head off," he thought bitterly. Emmett always saw things so clearly - cause and effect.
I heard their good-byes to Carlisle, and then their farewell thoughts to me. They were all saddened about leaving so soon, when there was still so much that was uncertain. But I could hear Jasper's reservations. He needed to speak to me before they left. Very reluctantly, I left Bella to see him. It was probably time for a human "bathroom break" in any case.
Jasper acknowledged the sacrifice it took for me to leave her. "Thank you, Edward. I know you would prefer not to have her out of your sight."
I nodded and gestured for him to follow me down the hallway. I knew he wanted to speak to me alone. The others busied themselves in conversation to give us some privacy.
"I wish her the very best, Edward. I enjoyed getting to know her better while she was with Alice and me. She's captivating," he said, somewhat anxiously. Then he sighed deeply. "I'm so very sorry for letting her escape my protection, Edward. I will always regret that I let you and her down so badly. I feel this is largely my responsibility." He hung his head.
We hadn't discussed the issue of Bella's escape from him and Alice. I had been angry at first - furious, when I arrived to find Bella missing. But my focus quickly turned to finding her and saving her. I hadn't thought about it since, and I was disappointed in myself that I hadn't noticed Jasper's unease. Obviously, I wasn't the only one suffering with guilt. It seemed that all the Cullen - and Hale - men were struggling with feelings of remorse.
"Jasper, I don't blame you. Bella was determined to get away from you. She had all the motivation she needed, thinking that her mother's life depended on her escaping from you. I blame James." I hissed his name. "And I blame myself." My chest tightened as I struggled to keep from falling into the abyss. It was best not to dwell on myself. I needed to keep all my focus on Bella. Another wave of tranquility then settled at the edges of my consciousness. My pain was too deep for Jasper's gift to fully soothe, but I appreciated the gentle reprieve he'd given me.
"She is strong, Edward. Deceptively so. She shouldn't have...." He couldn't finish speaking his thought, but I heard him all too clearly.
"She shouldn't have survived," I finished for him. "I don't quite understand how she has, but I'm so grateful. I don't deserve her, but I need her, Jasper. I can't explain it...." I was caught up in the depth of my feelings for her. Jasper had a way of bringing your innermost emotions to the surface, even when he wasn't trying.
"I'm afraid I'm with Alice on this point, Edward," Jasper said confidently. "Bella has survived for you. Whether you think you deserve her or not is irrelevant. You make her happy. Spending that time with her, I got to see, to feel the depth of her human emotions. It was quite a surprise. I've never encountered another human with such powerful emotions. She loves you, Edward. It's not a fickle human infatuation. Her heart is overwhelmed by her love for you. Don't ever doubt that. I believe that you are her reason for living. You are what is keeping her alive, and she needs you in order to recover. I think you need to know that. Really know it."
I didn't doubt Bella's love for me. She'd proven her love so many times. She was in this position now because she loved me. And that is what haunted me. That she loved me too much. That her life was at risk because she loved me. But seeing Jasper's thoughts now - feeling the emotions his gift had sensed from Bella, I knew I had to let go of that notion. If she truly needed me to survive, then of course, she would have me. For eternity, on my part. For as long as she wanted me, on hers. Jasper's words renewed my determination that Bella would survive this. I was feeling more confident all the time, although that could have been Jasper's doing!
"Thank you, Jasper. I appreciate it," I said in earnest.
"Go to her, Edward. Let her know you're there. Bring her back, to all of us," he encouraged.
I nodded and we embraced. And then I walked back to Bella, my legs moving as fast as humanly possible.
