Chapter 7
When he returned, his duties were moved up to pumping the bellows. By far one of the most intense jobs to be done in the forge. It was good his brother had packed some extra provisions. The bellows in the mountain kingdom weren't your little hand press bladders to keep a small fire hot. These bellows that the dwarves used for their furnaces were two stories tall and took four to six strong dwarves everything they had to compress. In order to stoke the fires for such huge furnaces, you had to be on your toes to do this exercise for hours on end.
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Felden kept thinking of ways he could push Bombur over that hump so that he didn't feel or perceive himself as a failure and start to integrate back into their social structure. Felden felt It was sad that Bombur was still alienating himself from the other dwarves. He knew his crew was very accepting and wanted to get to know Bombur better. It was strange to Felden and MacDul both, that Bombur seemed unwilling to fully accept he was succeeding and while doing that pushed others away. It seemed like Bombur needed to do greater atonement for some unknown sin, So they wondered if there was something more going on then Bombur trying to lose a few pounds. The work was having an obvious effect on his physical shape, but his mental status was still trapped in a depressed state.
Bombur took to this quickly the first day using his bulk to compress the bags but finding pushing them up to be a little more difficult. He was on a team of five other dwarves for a bellow that Felden said normally only took those five to operate. Glod said " Well Laddie, normally we are able to manage these on our own, But we very much appreciate you as extra Ballast. ", trying to break the Ice
Embarrassed, Bombur took this as a jab calling him a dead weight.
Bombur pressed himself harder and pushed and pulled for five long hours till he ached immensely and thought every muscle in his body would rip apart. After watching this for a while Glod said " ya' know Laddie, you don't need to kill yourself. We can share the load. Thar is no need to try to impress us we are a team here. " Glod felt bad," We're about to break soon would you like to eat lunch with us? We are planning on going to Flori's Fissure, it's a little hangout about halfway up the south halls between the forge and the main halls. We were hoping to get to know you better. "
Bombur declined " no, *huff* no, I think I'll just go. *huff* back to the cafeteria. "
" Ok, that's fine Bombur, Maybe tomorrow? " Glod left with Douth,
Rouk, Nead, and Gog.
Once they were gone Bombur started out to the break area. Dripping in sweat worse than he had since the first day, Bombur was relieved to take a break. He limped over to the rest area every muscle still twitching and knotting from overdoing it. He saw his brother with a satchel had come to see him.
Bombur addressed Bofur "I didn't expect you down here so soon."
"I had a feeling, " said Bofur, " That you weren't really going to keep your promise to take care of yourself. I came to see Felden and we've been watching you for the past hour. we need to talk." He reached into his satchel and took out water, jerky, and a small honey cake and set it on the table and motioned for Bombur " Sit. Eat."
Bofur had figured him out. Not surprising, Bofur was always looking out for Him. Sometimes Bombur wondered if he didn't actually know him better then he knew himself. Bofur had again predicted what he would do before even he knew. It was true Bombur had stuck with a meager breakfast of a single egg and some toast. That choice was proving to be a mistake after five grueling hours working the bellows he couldn't deny that he was woefully famished. He took the offerings and under the sentry eye of his brother ate and drank all that was offered although slightly apprehensively. Bombur grunted moving hurt due to the morning's exercise, it hurt to do anything , walking, sitting, standing moving, eating. He really just wanted to go lay down.
Bofur watched his brother, he took note of the stiffness and how slow he ate, " Bombur, do you remember he last time you worked this hard?" Bombur didn't really want to answer he was just focusing on eating lunch so maybe he could go take a nap." Brother," Bofur continued "The last time you pushed yourself this hard back in the blue mountains working in the forge, and pumping bellows" he gestured around to the whole room. " You didn't starve yourself ! You would eat well after a long hard day and still had quite a physique from the hard labor. "
Bombur stopped him," but, I was already fit then! I was active! It didn't matter if I ate what I wanted! " Bofur raised a hand, " no, No, think back further, you WEREN'T fit at all when you started. You had always eaten too much and were quite fat, but your activity level changed, THEN you shaped up."
Bombur reluctantly agreed, but still dreaded falling back into overeating. Bofur reminded him that eventually there will come a time when he will have to find a happy medium or the work will kill him. Bombur remembered this caution from MacDul who had also told him to seek balance not punishment thru depravity.
"What is your goal ?", Asked Bofur.
Bombur considered this for a moment.."I will tell you that, but I should probably give you my feelings from the beginning. This isn't something I think I have ever shared with you. Although I supposed you've guessed a lot of it. " Bofur, nodded " go on"
Bombur cleared his throat. sheepishly he started to flush a little, eyes downcast, and in a much softer voice. "For the longest time, I had been a slave to my appetite, although that urge has finally left me." he paused and glanced around checking to see if any othr co-workers were listening in. " I became a cook after I no longer had the will to craft because it satisfied my need to create and gave me an ability to never be far from comfort foods. I always had this nagging little voice in my head, greedy really, egging me on to stuff my face." Bombur was hesitant and Bofur, leaned in closer and gestured for him to continue. Awkwardly Bombur continued, Having also leaned in closer to his brother, arms now pulled cross over his gaurded over his stomach.\. "So now that I am not being held back by a belly begging to be fed every waking moment or by a body too clumsy to work successfully as a crafter..." Bombur paused here slightly emboldened, and sat up a little straighter "...For many years after we settled and there was hope again, I have wanted to regain my standing as a master craftsman to design and create. like I used too. So I am trying to recapture the glory of my youth!" Bombur's face was a little red here, and it wasn't from the heat. He felt a little embarrassed after saying it out loud.
Bofur asked again, " Yes, but you are already doing that, and even though you ARE succeeding at it; even MacDul and Felden have told me they noticed that you don't seem to be actually taking any joy in it , and continue to act like you need to punish yourself. So, I know there is something else. When will you be satisfied? What is your actual goal? When will you stop beating yourself up physically and mentally and find a happy level of maintenance? "
Bombur still red, took a deep breath, he hadn't thought that far ahead. He wanted to be strong and fit again, but he understood what his brother was getting at. He had just traded demons if he was going to end up starving himself to death. "I want to be able to do everything I could at my peek as master smith." quieter, " I also was hoping to regain the respect of the rest of the Dwarves in Dains court, I think I have embarrassed myself fully a few weeks back, and I need to make up for that, among other failures over that last century."
Bofur looked solemn and considered this " I understand better why you act so apprehensive around everything that reminds you of your past. I know you are still embarrassed. But because of that, you take no joy in your journey or current achievements. Somethings you need to let go to go forward too. Look have you even considered your progress?" Bofur paused a second letting that sink into his brother's stubborn skull.
" What do you weigh now? I know you check."
Bombur turned his face away from his brother when he told him the numbers. " I'm 260 lbs, still too heavy for my liking." Bombur was embarrassed talking about his size. " I want to get down below 160 which was what I was at my peek in the forges"
Bofur got up stood in front of Bombur and firmly but gently grabbed his brother's wrists, this felt all to familiar to Bombur.
"Do you promise," started Bofur to a very red-faced Bombur, "That when you reach your goal that you will ease off this starvation, and eat a manageable amount? You have already lost 100lbs in the past 8 weeks, personally, I think you need to slow down and eat better now. I KNOW MacDul already cautioned you, The quality of work you are doing should be rewarding enough. But the bellows will prove your undoing"... Bofur trailed off looking worried before starting again ….. "Bombur when I got here you looked like death! We all support you in this effort. Dáin is very impressed and glad to have his best craftsman working to regain his position. The others who didn't know you when you were a master crafter in the Blue Mountains are immensely impressed. But as your brother I know you and I worry. I dare say your hobbit friend would barely recognize you now, let alone whenever you reach the end of this journey. "
Bombur responded indebted to his brother's kind, yet blunt words " I promise I will take care of myself, and knowing that the rest of you support me is a huge balm. Although speaking of little Bilbo, first off I'm currently the same size I was when we met him at Bag End all those years ago, although not quite as, um,... svelte, as I was at the end of the hike." Bofur smirked, and let go of his wrists. He gave a more knowing glare towards Bombur, they had all lost a few inches on that hike, The fourteen of them had been thru hell and back, and that's what happens when you've been starved, beaten , imprisoned, and chased down by wargs, it was very physically intense. Although Bomburs loss was the least noticeable, and it certainly wasn't as noticeable to the members of the party who were taking turns carrying him thru Mirkwood while he slept.. He then let his brother continue..."..Anyway I doubt at this point he would have any trouble picking me out of a line up. When I have reached my goal, by then I hope he can't. I want to craft a few fine items and I want you to travel with me to Rivendell to see him. It was Bilbo on his last visit that initiated … this. ..." he said gesturing to himself.
A little taken back, Bofur asked. " What do you mean it was Bilbo who pressed you to do this?"
Bombur confided for the first time in another dwarf what had happened during the forced diet a few months prior when Mr Baggins was visiting. " The last night of my forced diet, Bilbo, pointed out that it was ME, not the rest of you, that had to make a choice." Bombur looked away, he didn't want to look his brother in the face, " At that time, I decided I would just order more clothing in larger sizes and would rather stay fat. But that little earwig the hobbit said, Telling me it was my choice, ate away at me for a while." He paused and turned back, " I realized that if I ever wanted to change, stop beating myself up, get back to the forges,... I had to do it MYSELF. That was when I decided to try to beat an internal demon I had been fighting against my whole life. I knew that the only thing I had never really tried was giving it exactly what it wanted.. so.."
Bofur cut him off. "You decided to eat until you either exploded or beat it.. and you beat it."
"Well,... yeah.." hearing it out-loud, Bombur's ears reddened again, and he felt silly...
"Well," said Bofur "fine by me, whatever worked to get this going, and I would be happy to accompany you to Rivendell whenever you are ready. Just PLEASE, Promise me you will take better care of yourself!? Mind Felden and MacDul if they tell you yo eat! " At this Bofur smiled ear to ear, Patted he thick but shrinking brother on his much stronger back, and took his leave up the long flights of stairs to the upper halls. When he was out of Bomburs sight he sighed, hoping his brother had at least taken food for thought . He knew he would be checking on him again to make sure he wasn't over doing it. After Bofur left he obediently finished his lunch.
Bombur took the rest of the day off, he was sore and just wanted to sleep. But he slept well thinking of the talk he had with his brother and mentally preparing for the tasks ahead of him.
The next day was very different than the one before. He got up , dressed and joined the crew at breakfast. He had thought hard about what Bofur had said about a happy medium. Bombur actually ate a decent breakfast, some toast , an egg, milk, and some meat. MacDul commented on it, " I see you've finally taken our advice, You've traded out fat for a lot of muscle already, your going find you'll need that working those pumpers." Food still made Bombur wary, he was still afraid he would risk falling into old habits, but MacDul was right he needed it for fuel. Bombur figured he didn't need to eat a lot ,but with the work at the bellows so intense the bird like diet he had been managing on wasn't going to do him any favors if he ended up dead. After breakfast he did the 20 min warm up He was still sore but his determination pushed him on. MacDul saw him off to the furnaces , " Best to keep your strength up, can't work on air alone. "
By the next week Bombur was able to manage four and a half hours with only four other dwarves giving Nead a break. Then Felden moved him to other duties. Bombur realized each day he was less sore then he was the day before . His habits were now to grab a light lunch before pounding some swords for the next six hours. This went on like that for the next four weeks. Although he did finally except the invitation to check out Flori's Fissure , with Glod, Douth, Rouk, Nead, and Gog. He began making friends slowly. Although he was still very reserved he was making an honest attempt to be a better team player.
As the weeks wore on everyday Bombur was stronger and needed less help, but he was in a state of denial when it came to accepting his progress. Often MacDul doing his best to be Bomburs mentor would try encouraging and complimenting him but it seemed to have the opposite effect on him emotionally, and sometimes seemed to drive him deeper into his shell, although at the same time Bombur would push himself harder. MacDul often though he was trying to self flagellate to make up for something but didn't really understand why.
Bofur visited every other week and one day a few weeks latter Bofur walked in on Bombur in front of the mirror at 225lbs. He was already massively reduced. Bofur watched him from a distance as he was pinching his love handles in disgust.
Bofur waited before he approached him and just watched him for a minute trying to figure out what to say . He was truly impressed at far his brother had come, but hurting for him because he knew Bombur didn't see it. After a little bit Bofur cleared his throat and walked into the room . " Eh hem,.. Wow Bombur you look fantastic! " Bombur froze , " Can't believe it's only been two weeks since I last saw you, you have shoulders like a bull, Ol' Bifur would be hard pressed to beat you at arm wrestling now.. "
Bombur poked at an unmistakably smaller yet still present gut. He liked complements , but he had no idea how to respond to them so they just ended up making him feel more awkward. " Eh, thanks..." was all he said rather flatly still preoccupied, He saw himself still as a failure because he was in reality soft.
Bofur, placed a hand on Bombur's shoulder, "hey, your doing great , I'm so proud of you,.. so whats wrong? " but Bombur , did not want to talk about it, not until he was thin again ,he hated the attention. He knew he was so much smaller, yet every step he took he could feel himself jiggle. Every vibration reminded him that he was still fat. Instead of answering his brother he just sighed. Not knowing how to respond, he pulled on his now loose fitting clothing, and stormed off to the forges. Leaving Bofur confused.
Bombur spent the day pumping the bellows, not really talking to his team. At lunch , they noticed him picking at his food, Douth and Rouk tried to ask what was wrong but only got grunts in reply so they left him alone. Bombur just concentrated on sweating till the shift ended, and then headed home , still in a conflicted fog. He had tea for dinner, he belly protested after the strenuous day, but he ignored it. Had he bothered to weigh himself he would have found out that he had lost another 5 lbs . But he didn't , instead he poked at his soft spots, grunted, he was slightly Dizzy as he went to bed.
Sleep can thankfully quickly. He was in a gray landscape again , when he opened his eyes he saw marble in font of him, and woods to the sides made up of a great tangle of trees , and Uber .
" Hello Bombur, you have come a great way since last we chatted. "
Bombur became aware of himself at this point , and looking down he realized he was naked, seeing his still somewhat flabby gut and soft sides he was embarrassed, and materialized a baggy shirt to cover himself up.
" oh Bombur , you don't have to do that here, besides you've made such great progress. But if you insist on being embarrassed, you remember you can change how you are here. "
" yes, I suppose." he though about it a second , but continued before he was distracted , dreams can drift sometimes and he had issues he needed to work thru first. "not just yet though, I have things to talk to you about."
Uber materialized two ornate chairs made of elk-horn, silver, and iron he then sat. "I'm Listening."
"why," Bombur took a deep ragged breath and closed his eyes. " Why can't I be happy?" Like truly feel happiness? I can feel confusion, and muted anger, and self pity, but I can't feel joy."
Uber, thought a moment. " Bombur, when was the last you actually did some self discovery. when was the last time you wanted to try to find the root of what pains you ? "
Bombur shifted uneasily, " don't want to think about it .. "
"Until you are ready to face that part, you won't find peace." Uber informed him. " and their is a journey we will have to go on when your ready."
Bombur felt deflated, " Then I have other questions, what do I do now then?"
Uber again though for a moment.
" If you mean outside in the waking world. For now;
Build new friendships, they will be your strength latter.
Appreciate the ones your have, they want to build you up.
and cherish your family, they will always be their for you."
Bombur was slightly puzzled, but considered the advice. Uber then got up and started walking away. Confused Bombur followed for a bit. then the mists grew thicker and he had trouble following , he wasn't sure how far he walked, but eventually the fog was so dense he couldn't even see past his nose. Not long after Bombur woke up.
It was early still, around 5am and He felt a bit confused and lay in bed for a bit just thinking. I do love my brother, Bofur was always their for me, always looking out for me. No matter how lazy, or arrogant, or stupid a thing I did , Bofur always stuck up for me. Am I returning that care enough to my brother. Does Bofur realize I care about him to? When was the last time I actually told him that? What about MacDul and Felden, they seemed to spend more time with me than any of the rest of the team. Do I appreciate them enough? The team I am on now, even the things said the first day, did I take them too personal? I have tried to be more friendly. Douth, Rouk, Nead, Gog, and Glod all seem to be kind enough. But I don't know much about them.
It's probably true I fear acceptance. Bombur felt agitated by all the thoughts racing thru he head so he started getting up with the intent on getting an early start on the days work. As he got dressed, he felt self conscious. " Why would any of them really want to be friends with me though, I might get in the way." he pulled on his shirt and pants and buckled his belt, another notch tighter." we'll that's something" Bombur caught a glance of himself in the mirror, and he could hear Uber in his ear. "Bombur, you don't get in the way, your are one of the hardest workers in the forge, and you keep moving forward even though you are mired in self doubt."
Bombur looked away from his reflection, sighed and headed to work.
